phone calls

[somuchcooler]

If your serious bf/gf started taking phone calls they received in another room so that you couldn't hear the phone call would it bother you? This is assuming there aren't other people over at the time. My bf and I just recently moved in together. Lately whenever his mom calls he will say look it's my mom and take the call in another room as if he can't talk in front of me. Obviously he isn't cheating on me with his mother lol but that's not where I'm going with it. I just find it odd that as close as we are I mean we live together for Christ's sake he can't talk in front of me. It makes me thinks he is going to mommy with issues about me or something which I realllly don't like talk to me not mommy if you have an issue within our relationship. If it is a family issue I still feel like he should trust me enough after almost 4 years to talk to me about it. I can understand his mom maybe not wanting to tell me but she isn't the one in the relationship with me he is. I guess I just needed to vent because I feel hurt that he doesn't think highly enough of me or trust me enough that I wouldn't spread his family issues around. When I asked my best friend what she thought she was like trust you after that amount of time your bf should be considering you part of the family especially since you live together. My question to all of you is how would you approach your bf/gf about a situation like this and what should I say?

[Seraphim]

It seems you both have different boundary levels. He is more private and you are more open book. You both have to realize and discuss these differences.

 

For me personally if my husband wanted to talk to his mom privately I would be jumping for joy. My husband's family are not my favourite people. If I never saw them again I would think I was in heaven.

 

But, seriously I think you both have different boundaries .

[lavenderdove]

Well, the thing is on the phone, he can always label any phone number he wants as 'Mom' so that you think it is someone different than it is when the call shows up on the display. Cheaters are well known to do that kind of thing, i.e., label some other woman's phone number as 'George' or 'Bob' or 'Sis' on their display so you won't get suspicious they're talking to a woman or a woman is always calling.

 

How would i approach this? I'd ask him point blank why he always leaves the room when if it is his mother on the phone. But before I'd do that, i'd take a good hard look at his phone and the number that is associated with the name in his Contacts list to make sure it really is his mother's number calling.

 

If it is his mother, there is indeed a good chance that he is still tied to Mommy's apron strings which after 4 years together he shouldn't be. Or that his mother doesn't like you, or he is complaining about you to his mother which of course he can't do in front of you.

[lukeb]

Whether you are right or wrong, the fact that it bothers you is an issue in of itself. It would not bother me, but I am not you. I don't think he doesn't trust you, it might be the other way around, and you not trusting him. For issues in the relationship it can sometimes be helpful to get another persons perspective outside the relationship. Friends, family can often see things differently. I would be thankful that he has someone he can trust to talk to. Not all problems can be solved from within, sometimes a little outside help can relief difficult feelings, pressures anxiety. I wouldn't look at it like he is running to mommy but rather seeking wisdom of someone older and wiser.

[Fudgie]

Does he take all of his incoming calls in another room or just the calls from Mom... or "Mom"? Does he ever answer his phone and take some calls in front of you?

 

Have you ever followed him into the other room while he was on the phone? If so, how did he react?

[Ms Darcy]

Are you the type who gets upset if he wants alone time too?

 

It sounds like you want to be totally co-dependent (basically the same person). You are not the same person; you are bf and gf living together and are independent people. Let him have some independence.

[somuchcooler]

I know it is definitely his mom because when he says hello I hear her voice say hello back and then he goes in a different room. I think what is bothering me about it is the fact he doesn't give me any sort of explanation when he comes out like oh I wanted my mom's advice on x,y,z. It's kind of just like oh I gotta go my mom is calling and never says anything else.

[Seraphim]

He doesn't need to tell you everything he discussed with his mother. Like I said you both have different boundary levels. You're going to have to realize that people have different boundaries. He is not you and he's not going to do everything the way you would do it.

[somuchcooler]

He doesn't need to tell you everything he discussed with his mother. Like I said you both have different boundary levels. You're going to have to realize that people have different boundaries. He is not you and he's not going to do everything the way you would do it.

 

But why would he need to leave the room to do so? What is he discussing with her that he can't discuss with me?

 

I don't mean this in a rude way at all but maybe you're biased and see it differently since you don't like your husband's family. I like my guy's family a lot so I like to be included.

[Seraphim]

But why would he need to leave the room to do so? What is he discussing with her that he can't discuss with me?

 

I don't mean this in a rude way at all but maybe you're biased and see it differently since you don't like your husband's family. I like my guy's family a lot so I like to be included.

 

No ,even if I did like them I wouldn't want to know everything they talk about. For instance I may not like my husband's parents but I love his aunt and I don't have to know everything he's talking about to her either.

 

Why do you have to know everything he discusses with his mother? When you are in a relationship you don't own their headspace. They have to have room to be an individual as well.

[somuchcooler]

No ,even if I did like them I wouldn't want to know everything they talk about. For instance I may not like my husband's parents but I love his aunt and I don't have to know everything he's talking about to her either.

 

Why do you have to know everything he discusses with his mother? When you are in a relationship you don't own their headspace. They have to have room to be an individual as well.

 

It's more the fact that he runs into a different room each time she calls. If I wasn't with him or something and he mentioned in passing that oh btw I spoke to my mom today and she says hi I wouldn't have cared to know what they were talking about and wouldn't think twice about it. It's the fact that when we are both just chilling together at home he runs off with the phone.

[Seraphim]

Ok, but why does it bother you? Because you would do it different? People are different this is life. You cannot control people, you cannot control what they think and for the most part can't control what they do either. Needing to control what people do and have them do everything the same as you would is a sign of deep insecurity.

[lavenderdove]

You just need to ask him. You should be able to talk to your partner about anything. Tell him you think it is a curious habit that he leaves the room whenever his mother calls, and you wonder why he is doing it. Be open and not accusatory and see what he says.

 

Perhaps he thinks it is rude to talk on the phone with someone else while another person is in the room. Or perhaps he feels his mother is a pain in the butt and doesn't want to burden you listening to him talk to her. Or perhaps he is having issues with you and isn't ready to talk to you about it yet.

 

Regardless, try to get him talking about it first and then express how you feel about it. That you were wondering if there was something wrong or if you were doing something that made him feel he needed to leave the room when he really didn't.

[somuchcooler]

To the bolded he has told me for that lately whenever his mother calls she drives him crazy because she is always on his case about doing this or doing that and she doesn't let up so maybe that's it.

[lavenderdove]

Well, he may not want to bore you while he argues with his mother.

[Snny]

If it's my fiancés family who calls, he starts speaking Tagalog. I don't know the nature of his conversations because I don't speak the language. Kind of the same thing really. If it's important for me to know, he'll tell me.

 

If your serious bf/gf started taking phone calls they received in another room so that you couldn't hear the phone call would it bother you? This is assuming there aren't other people over at the time. My bf and I just recently moved in together. Lately whenever his mom calls he will say look it's my mom and take the call in another room as if he can't talk in front of me.

Just because you both live together doesn't mean he isn't entitled to any privacy. If I were you, I would be very careful picking a fight on this ground.

[somuchcooler]

If it's my fiancés family who calls, he starts speaking Tagalog. I don't know the nature of his conversations because I don't speak the language. Kind of the same thing really. If it's important for me to know, he'll tell me.

 

 

Just because you both live together doesn't mean he isn't entitled to any privacy. If I were you, I would be very careful picking a fight on this ground.[/QUOTE]

 

Why would you say I should be very careful picking a fight on this ground?

 

 

I think asking him about isn't picking a fight as long as I do it nicely. If you can't tell your partner when something they are doing bothers you then why be in a relationship with them if you can't communicate? Why does your fiancé start speaking a different language is it so you don't know what he is saying??

[jjkk]

Why does your fiancé start speaking a different language is it so you don't know what he is saying?? I would assume because it's the language in which his family speaks to each other.

 

I think asking him about isn't picking a fight as long as I do it nicely. If you can't tell your partner when something they are doing bothers you then why be in a relationship with them if you can't communicate?

 

What do you hope to accomplish by telling him any of this? you tell him nicely, he says "oh sorry" and keeps going into the other room to talk w/ him mom. Are you attempting to get him to change his behavior and speak to his mother around you? If so, that's setting you two up for an argument, which I'm guessing is why they suggested being careful about whether or not this is worth arguing over. Imo, since you KNOW it's his mom, I wouldn't even mention it and just get over it. It's not a big deal. Who cares what the reason is? Could be he doesn't want you distracted from whatever it is you're doing by his conversation, maybe he's just more comfortable talking w/ her privately, maybe it's the way he's always done it so it's just a habit? could be lots of things but really I don't think there's any reason to stress over this or cause friction in your relationship. We're all allowed our privacy even when we're in a relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

But you wouldn't just be "talking to him about it." You would mention it in an attempt to make him wrong and change his behavior. I think the issue here is that there is nothing wrong with him wanting to talk to his mom in private and why would your mind go towards thinking about him talking about you.

[bulletproof]

But you wouldn't just be "talking to him about it." You would mention it in an attempt to make him wrong and change his behavior. I think the issue here is that there is nothing wrong with him wanting to talk to his mom in private and why would your mind go towards thinking about him talking about you.

 

Totally agree with this. Why would you think just because he wants to talk to his mother privately (totally his right) that it's automatically about you?

 

I think that while you should be able to tell your partner how you feel, make sure you acknowledge that how you feel isn't necessarily rational.

[bulletproof]

Oh, I just realized- you're the poster who always starts threads about how you want to be included in all your bf's family business. He's not your fiance. You're not married. And even if you were, I would still say that he has a right to private conversations with his mother.

 

What is your obsession with inclusion in his family?

[Seraphim]

Maybe her fiancé 's family is not fluent in English. Not everyone marries someone within their own culture or language.

[somuchcooler]

But you wouldn't just be "talking to him about it." You would mention it in an attempt to make him wrong and change his behavior. I think the issue here is that there is nothing wrong with him wanting to talk to his mom in private and why would your mind go towards thinking about him talking about you.

 

My mind goes towards me thinking he is talking about me because what else would he be talking to her about that I can't hear?

[Seraphim]

Why is he not allowed privacy?

[Madamdiva007]

Maybe his family has personal stuff going on that he doesn't want to involve you in, or that his mother has asked to keep private? Maybe he leaves the room to take his phone calls out of respect for his mother?