phone calls

[Iggles]

Oh, I just realized- you're the poster who always starts threads about how you want to be included in all your bf's family business.

 

Ah, that explains this whole thread.

 

OP, if he wants to keep his conversations with his family private then that's his right.

[somuchcooler]

To iggles it is also my right to wonder why after 4 years he still wants to be super private and to think he should open up a bit more.

[bulletproof]

To iggles it is also my right to wonder why after 4 years he still wants to be super private and to think he should open up a bit more.

 

If this was the only thing you wondered in regard to his family, it might be a little more understandable. But you seem to have an unhealthy interest in this particular subject of what his family should be doing and how they should be behaving in respect to you/your relationship with your bf.

[Capricorn3]

Again, what is your obsession with what his family is doing and the level to which they include you? It seems like something you think about very frequently, judging from your threads here.

I think at this point a LOT of people are wondering the same thing as it is the one and only constant theme/topic. All the time. Why can't you just accept that all people are different, all families operate in different ways and no-one owes you anything? If he wants to go to another room to talk to his mother, then so be it. Who cares! That's how he is. That's part of his make-up. His family works in a different way to yours. Let it go already and learn to accept that you will NEVER actually BE 100% full time part of their lives and who they are. Life doesn't work that way.

This obsession is very very unhealthy and has the potential of killing your relationship permanently.

[somuchcooler]

I was thinking about exactly why it bothered me so much that my bf talks to his mom so privately. It's because after 4 years of us being serious and the fact that we live together I thought I was one of the most important people in his life and that he considered me part of his family. The fact that he feels the need to keep family issues private with me shows me that he views me as a separate entity from his family. Kind of like you keep a friend separate from family but to me I view us as more than that since we are in a committed relationship and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together and have kids together and all that. He should love me enough to call me family andafter 4 years he doesn't feel that way then maybe it's time for me to break up with him and find a guy who will view our relationship in the way I deserve. Family is what you make it and it doesn't just have to include blood relatives but also those people who are always there for you. My very best girl friend in the whole world isn't blood but I see as heck view her as family.

[somuchcooler]

But fudgie after 4 years why do you think he still wouldn't want to trust me enough to tell me about family issues?? We live together for Pete's sake he trusts me around all Hus stuff but he can't trust me with an issue? Also if its about a health issue why couldn't he tell his own gf but he can tell his mom seems backwards to me?

[Fudgie]

But fudgie after 4 years why do you think he still wouldn't want to trust me enough to tell me about family issues?? We live together for Pete's sake he trusts me around all Hus stuff but he can't trust me with an issue? Also if its about a health issue why couldn't he tell his own gf but he can tell his mom seems backwards to me?

 

You know, it really depends on the person and the issues that are going on. And there are health issues that maybe someone doesn't want to tell their SO because it's a little embarrassing or they don't want to worry. When I was with my ex (and we lived together) I would call my parents about my ongoing health problems and I didn't necessarily tell him. They were sort of gross and he didn't need to hear all of the details. I mean, he knew the basic gist of what I was experiencing, but he didn't need to hear a blow-by-blow of it all when I talked to my parents.

 

Just because you've been together for 4 years (or whatever # of years really, doesn't matter) doesn't mean that he ought to feel comfortable going into family issues with you. Some people (many women for example) tell their SOs EVERYTHING. You may be one of these people. But not everyone is like that, and it's not a bad thing. Family issues could involve drama/strife with people you either don't know that well or you haven't met at all. He may also not want to colour your idea of these people if you're still getting to know his family. He may consider it private and not your business.

 

Anyway, some people keep their cards close to their chest. If he's not doing anything sketchy and he's just talking to his mom and he treats you well and like a good partner, then what's the worry? Just because you are with him doesn't mean that you are privy to ALL of his communications and/or his inner thoughts. Let the guy have some privacy.

[Seraphim]

You are making him wrong and you right, instead of you both of different privacy levels. Having a different privacy level does not make him wrong. You are going to have one hard life if you're the only one that's right.

[lavenderdove]

>>It's because after 4 years of us being serious and the fact that we live together I thought I was one of the most important people in his life and that he considered me part of his family.

 

This is why you need to have a serious discussion with him. People view live-in situations in entirely different ways. For you it could mean that you think you are now a family with him with a permanent foothold on his life because you've been together 4 years and are living together, whereas for him it could just be a convenient arrangement that allows him to share expenses, get regular sex, and share the housekeeping, but not where he sees you as 'family' or entitled to be enmeshed in his family or where there is any guaranteed future with you that goes beyond when your lease next expires (i.e., he perceives you as perpetual BF/GF only (sexual roommates) rather than permanent family).

 

So it is clear you need to have this discussion with him. And tell him that you want to be a true family with him and not just a live-in lover. And make sure you have a list ready and thought out as to what being a family means so that you can ask him to start acting like the family you want to be. He's either going to agree to that, or try to negotiate with you, or else say that's not what this is about at all.

 

But you need to have that explicit conversation, and don't shy away from the hard parts. I know many a woman who's had that conversation after many years together only to be shocked to learn that their partner never intends to really commit, doesn't see the relationship as permanent, or doesn't want marriage, or doesn't want kids, or will never offer them the things she feels they really need in terms of commitment or actions.

 

So you really obviously need to have that discussion with him if you think he is shutting you out. It could be any number of reasons why he feels he wants/needs to have private conversations with his mother, but you need to find out what they are, and have more discussions about what living together after 4 years means to him, and where he thinks it is (or isn't) going.

[bulletproof]

But fudgie after 4 years why do you think he still wouldn't want to trust me enough to tell me about family issues?? We live together for Pete's sake he trusts me around all Hus stuff but he can't trust me with an issue? Also if its about a health issue why couldn't he tell his own gf but he can tell his mom seems backwards to me?

 

Because it's none of your business.

 

Whether he thinks your "family" or not is irrelevant and has completely sidetracked the real issue. It seems that you want to invade his privacy as well as his family's. Are you estranged from your own family? It just seems odd to me that you are so hell-bent on inclusion in your bf's family.

[somuchcooler]

Because it's none of your business.

 

Whether he thinks your "family" or not is irrelevant and has completely sidetracked the real issue. It seems that you want to invade his privacy as well as his family's. Are you estranged from your own family? It just seems odd to me that you are so hell-bent on inclusion in your bf's family.

 

How are his health issues not my business? Health issues going on with his family members may not be my business but stuff going on with my own bf is my business. Again I ask why he would tell his family his personal health issues but not the girl he has been seriously dating for 4 years? If he is going to continue to run to his family about his issues instead of trusting me then what does that say about our relationship?

[somuchcooler]

I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I am going to sit down with him and say, "look babe we have been dating exclusively for 4 years now and it seems to me you view me more as a girl to move in with and split the rent with then a girl that you share a future with and settling down with." I am wondering where you see this relationship heading and how do you view this relationship. I'll also add that I understand that some family matters may need to be kept private but if he responds by saying that he sees me as part of his family then I could ask him to be a little more open about his family issues or issues with himself with me because while I may not have a right to know about all of his family issues I do have a right if you meaning him view me as family to know about his issues. I will tell him that part of being in a committed relationship is trusting your partner to tell them private things about yourself and trusting that they won't blab it or judge you for it. I will say all that stuff assuming he says he sees me as a permanent fixture in his life and he views me as family. If he says he doesn't then I am going to seriously re consider the relationship and look for a guy who will treat me the way I deserve and who will trust me and not always trust his family with his issues more than his own gf. What do you guys think does that sound ok?

[Fudgie]

How are his health issues not my business. Health issues going on with his family members may not be my business but stuff going on with my own bf is not my business. Again I ask why he would tell his family his personal health issues but not the girl he has been seriously dating for 4 years?

 

With all due respect, he is the one who decides what to tell you about himself and his life, not you. This is out of your control and you need to accept this. You are not entitled to any information that doesn't directly affect you and your relationship with him (ie his sexual health, if he has a STD or infection down there and you are intimate, you deserve to know 100%). That's what you need to understand: you are not entitled to any and all personal information that you deem "your business".

 

You want to foster a trusting, open relationship with your SO and the way to do this is not to demand to know things from him. You need to remain open but not demanding/pushy. If he wants to come to you, he will. However, you must respect that everyone has different boundaries and some are private than others. this is not necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you or the relationship. Some just prefer to keep things more private.

 

For the record, I have not divulged all of my health issues to my past SOs. Some things are gross, some things are just not worth mentioning in my book. I have loose skin from weight loss and sometimes get pesky rashes if I am not careful. Am I obligated to tell that to my SO if I don't want to? NO.

[somuchcooler]

I am not estranged from my own family but form watching my friends and other family members being in serious relationships they always gain another family through their partner. While right away the family may be skeptical and not fully like or trust their child's partner after time usually they include them into the family. Heck one of my friends who has been dating her guy for 5 years says views her bfs family as her family too almost as much as her own and no she is not estranged at all from her own family. I always thought that's kind of how it worked you don't loose a child when they get into a relationship you gain another family member.

[Batya33]

I think you should shorten it to "what are your intentions towards me".

 

I think it's fine to tell him your personal standards about boundaries and privacy in a relationship but you must -must- phrase it as your personal standards -not as if it's some general standard other people follow. Your standards and the way you express them would make me feel suffocated and cringe-y. When I am on the phone my preference is to have a private conversation - I won't kick my husband out of a room but we each know to give each other space when we're on the phone for other than a quick "making plans" kind of conversation. I think having private space from each other is normal, healthy and essential. Not a black and white issue at all.

 

I also think your leading comment is going to put him on the defensive. That is why I suggested an open ended simple question without all the back story and the accusatory language.

[IAmFCA]

OP, A theme that runs through your posts is a sense of how it should be based on how it is with others, a habit of comparing: how your bf talks to him mom versus you, how others have combined families but in your case, that mingling hasn't occurred etc.

 

The comparisons might help you see what others have and what you don't.

 

Other relationships have other people in them who aren't you and your bf; those are inputs other relationships have that you don't. Comparing seems instructive, but it isn't. When we look at others, we don't know what we can't see. When looking at others, it is as if we are all interchangable, as if we could have what they have--- but we can't, because we are not them. They cant have what we have either, for the same reason; they are not us.

 

Not making comparisons might help you focus on what you have, and what resources are available to you. The people in other relationships and their families are not a resource with which to address your own relationship.

 

Finally:

 

What your bf shares with you, and chooses not to share with you, is his choice.

If you want him to share more with you, then you will need to learn what traits you need to develop so that he desires your comfort and counsel in that way.

What you can't do if demand he share.

 

And, you didn't ask, but I don't see marriage here. Nor do I recommend it. These are fundamental dynamics: your habit of creating expectations and then proving that your expectations are normal, so therefore he should meet them is destructive. His pattern of setting up a life with you that looks like marriage, while still have others meet his most vulnerable needs, suggests he is setting up a marriage-like life to please you. It doesn't give him peace.

 

Sorry.

[bulletproof]

How are his health issues not my business? Health issues going on with his family members may not be my business but stuff going on with my own bf is my business. Again I ask why he would tell his family his personal health issues but not the girl he has been seriously dating for 4 years? If he is going to continue to run to his family about his issues instead of trusting me then what does that say about our relationship?

 

I didn't say his health issues aren't your business. I said his phone call with his mother is not your business. We don't know if it was about health issues or not. But even if it was, my opinion doesn't change-it's his business, and he'll tell you if/when he deems it necessary.

 

Why start a thread when you are going to argue with every post in it? It's almost unanimous that you need to respect this guy's privacy. Your relationship status with him is a separate issue, which people have suggested you should address. So do it, but don't expect that it means he has to have phone calls in front of you so you'll feel like "family."

[Doc Blaze]

My parents are like this but my mom doesnt see it as being off... My mom will talk to her family in front of everyone where my dad if he calls my grandmother or she calls, he will get up each time and go into the other room and talk to her..he has been doing for years. I know everytime he is in the front room on the phone that he is talking to my grandmother...after he is done he will tell my mom or us what going on with his famiy..thats how it has always been since i can remember.

[somuchcooler]

I talked to him tonight and he said it's just a habit to take a phone call in another room because at work he is around a lot of people constantly so he is used to doing it there. He said he does view me as family and that he does have a future planned together and he broke down the plan for me that he has so everything is settled.

[Seraphim]

See all a big brouhaha about nothing. Next time just ask him.