Long distance relationship -- need advice

[mhowe]

You have told him you will not contact him. And then have done so 3x more and are contemplating a 4th.

 

When someone doesn't respond to you ---- and further attempt FROM you drives them farther away. Your actions continue to be suffocating.

[t1lersm0m1]

There's no need to worry if he thinks you are crazy. Only what you think matters. Anxiety is a fear of the future. I overcame my anxiety by working on my self-esteem. My extreme anxiety was back in 2012, and I've been fine since I worked on my self-esteem.

 

No need to give notice at work. Why would you give up your job over this break up? You're giving this relationship way more power than it deserves. You guys broke up. You will heal and move on.

 

His sister can't flat out tell you he thinks its over. That would be putting herself in the middle. So she is saying something to be polite and not hurt your feelings. Would you rather she say he thinks you're crazy?

 

You don't need closure from him. You need to find it from within. He gave you closure when he went silent.

[t1lersm0m1]

He has been direct. His silence speaks VOLUMES. You just aren't listening.

[t1lersm0m1]

For him it is simple. You are making it complicated.

 

It would be nice if it were simple and not so gosh darn complicated

[Run1103]

I understand what you are saying.

[Run1103]

What I am saying is that I think that if he had said "I'm just spit balling here... But could I be busy? Could I be fairly exhausted with my odd schedule and not good sleep times due to the odd half night shifts I was working? And now when I am trying to/can/need to sleep I get several frantic texts that seem to be leading to a lot of stress that I don't want to take on atm. Am I ok? Yes I already answered that. I do feel as tho I'm being suffocated and makes me want to ask for a break because I feel that you're badgering me relentlessly..." And I had said "I'm sorry I made you feel suffocated and overwhelmed. I don't think my initial suggestion of no contact is a good idea, as the purpose of no contact is to get over someone and move on. I understand reducing communication out of love and respect for the other, especially if stress is hindering our ability to communicate in a healthy, positive or humorous way. I am going to continue to step back a bit because we are both overwhelmed. I understand that it's my responsibility to handle my own stress and not to subject you to it or have it cause me to get frustrated with you. I don't want you to feel pressured, and at the same time, I don't want you to think I'm throwing this relationship away so I will say that I love you and I'm here for you. You're my favorite fruit loop. that would have been fine.

[mhowe]

Except that is re-writing history and in real life, there are no "take backs".

 

It is about communication and listening....

 

Your actions/texts prompted that text from him.

Your response was to say "no --- -no break....break up" and then tell him to tell you ILU and such.

[Run1103]

I know, it's just indicative that I recognize how I SHOULD have handled it.

[mhowe]

I know, it's just indicative that I recognize how I SHOULD have handled it.

 

Well.....that there is growth!!

[itsallgrand]

I wonder if you recognize that what basically happened here is you attempted to manipulate your ex boyfriend, and it backfired on you. He called your bluffs. You broke up with him. He took it seriously and respected your wishes.

 

You are all over the map here. But it is pretty obvious you want to be with this man. And that you regret what has happened here, and wish it could all be forgotten.

 

Unfortunately, it can't. You know, it can hurt someone pretty deeply and destroy a lot of trust to toy about with someone's sense of security in the relationship, as you have done with him.

 

Have you considered that it may have been hurtful to him to have asked for something specific he needed from you (some space, some good faith on your part that things are ok) and to have you poop all over it?

 

I'm not judging you either. I have been in serious therapy for PTSD. I have struggled with anxiety issues and abandonment issues in my life, and in past relationships. I do not think you are lying that you do need time to yourself and that therapy would do a world of good. Perhaps you do not have the skills at this point, nor the security in your own life and self, to be able to maintain and give to a more serious long lasting relationship.

 

It's not healty at this point for you to be beating your head against a wall with this. YOu screwed up, ok?! It hurts. IT sucks.

but you will be okay. You can manage this.

 

It starts right here, if you are serious about changing and your growth. You have got to respect his space, and let him be.

 

I'm sorry.

[Run1103]

I really really really appreciate your advice and the fact that you guys have been super responsive and it really is helping me to grow as a person. My instincts are still telling me to wait it out, but obvi my focus is my mental health, my son, my jobs and getting back to school.

[t1lersm0m1]

Second guessing what you could have or should have done will not undo the damage that has already beend one. And trust me, any further contact from you to him will likely be responded to with more silence.

 

You must go, and remain, no contact. If you had stuck to that to begin with, you might have heard from him. But because your anxiety caused you to send further texts, those texts have just pushed him further away.

[Run1103]

You guys don't know him personally. I have to feel safe with being open minded about this and with EVERYTHING in life. I have to accept that we may or may not have a future and that the world will not stop turning if we don't. I need to accept this regarding THIS scenario so I can apply it to EVERY scenario. Does that make sense?

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, ti makes perfect sense.

[Run1103]

I'm not going to contact him again. I think that's clear. If I want to, I'll come here to this forum or go to a therapist for advice. Call me naive but I don't think it's been thrown away for good. Our love was strong and there are a million extenuating factors that are not going to be permanent. We may get back together. We may not. That is the healthy way to look at it. Nothing is certain, and I'm ok with that.

[Run1103]

I appreciate your opinions and advice. Call me naive, call me a hopeless romantic, call me a fool, but I don't think it's a lost cause. I recognize what I handled inappropriately. I know how to handle things going forward.

[mhowe]

You are not naïve, foolish or a hopeless romantic.

 

But possibly until this thread you were unaware as to how your behaviour was affecting your relationship and the outcome it produced.

[Run1103]

That being said, that is something that Joe could also potentially rationalize. Trust me, I'm not banking on us getting back together. I'm learning to embrace uncertainty. Just because I may not succeed is not a reason for me not to throw myself wholeheartedly into something and someone I believe in. Perhaps I am slated to be with a non ADHD partner, perhaps I am meant to be alone, perhaps I will marry Joe. I am almost 32 years old. It is time for me to be true to myself, to be strong, to not care what anyone else thinks and to be an adult. Yes, I may have messed up, but if Joe doesn't realize that I made a mistake that I CAN learn from and it WILL make me better and stronger, then it is his loss, not mine if he doesn't want me after adequate time for growth has elapsed, and that's that.

[t1lersm0m1]

For now, you need to stop thinking about Joe and potentially marrying him.

 

You need to focus on you and growing.

[Run1103]

I wasn't thinking about marrying him, lol. I was just throwing that out there.

[t1lersm0m1]

My point is, you need to stop thinking about and focusing on Joe. You mentioned him a few times in post 118. The best course of action is to start healing as though you are broken up. Here's why. If he comes back, it will be a pleasant surprise. If he doesn't, then you've already started grieving and healing, rather than staying in limbo.

 

Right now you have yourself in emotional limbo. He has given you no indication he is still in this relationship. His silence should be giving you every indication that he is no longer in the relationship. I'm not going to keep repeating myself as to why, you can read my previous posts.

 

Get yourself out of emotional limbo, stop focusing on Joe, and start focusing on you, and moving forward.

[Run1103]

I must add for the record that the actual definition of "spit balling" is "To toss ideas around with no expectation of them coming to pass, to brainstorm." Maybe you guys want to slap me but for all intensive interpretation purposes, " I do feel as tho I'm being suffocated and makes me want to ask for a break because I feel that you're badgering me relentlessly..." does not flat out ask for a break. I think my interpretations are appropriate. Since I said "I'm sorry I made you feel suffocated and overwhelmed. I don't think my initial suggestion of no contact is a good idea, as the purpose of no contact is to get over someone and move on. I understand reducing communication out of love and respect for the other, especially if stress is hindering our ability to communicate in a healthy, positive or humorous way. I am going to continue to step back a bit because we are both overwhelmed. I understand that it's my responsibility to handle my own stress and not to subject you to it or have it cause me to get frustrated with you. I don't want you to feel pressured, and at the same time, I don't want you to think I'm throwing this relationship away so I will say that I love you and I'm here for you. You're my favorite fruit loop. I think he is taking that at face value. In any case, both of us need to be focusing on our proximal lives and being healthy. I know him, and I know he would be direct. I think his "radio silence" is indicative of a need for space. My focus is myself. I need to get back into running as I've been ridiculously sporadic compared to where I was previously. I was also considering getting back into boxing as well.

[mhowe]

When you reach the.point where you are looking up word definitions...you have stepped of the edge of sanity.

 

HE is getting on with his life....you are focused on him and what he is/is not thinking.

 

BTW....I believe his spitballing comment was biting sarcasm.

[Run1103]

Do I take the advice of strangers, or do I use my own knowledge and my

Instincts?

[mhowe]

You are the one asking strangers advice.

You are the one who, had she handles things differently, might still be in a relationship.

 

Your choice.