Long distance relationship -- need advice

[Run1103]

That gorilla metaphor didn't fly well for my explanation. You saying they have been tamed was a good megaphor. I should have stated I have had XYZ happen in my life but I have ABC to deal with it, because we are all human and adult and we all have

[Run1103]

What do you guys think of this: "I don't think my initial suggestion of no contact is a good idea, as the purpose of no contact is to get over someone and move on. I understand reducing communication out of love and respect for the other, especially if stress is hindering our ability to communicate in a healthy, positive or humorous way. I am going to continue to step back a bit because we are both overwhelmed. I understand that it's my responsibility to handle my own stress and not to subject you to it or have it cause me to get frustrated with you. I don't want you to feel pressured, and at the same time, I don't want you to think I'm throwing this relationship away so I will say that I love you and I'm here for you. You're my favorite fruit loop.

[mhowe]

Sounds fine. Hope you can stick to it.

[Run1103]

Yeah I asked my friends and my sister as they know the situation better

[Run1103]

So my boyfriend found a place, but didn't call to tell me. He told his mother he found a place. I found out from his sister because I gave her something he needed to be sent in the mail. He didn't tell her, either. I texted him to let him know I gave his sister the something he needed mailed. He didn't reply, no cool, no thanks, nothing.

[t1lersm0m1]

Has he been in contact at all since you sent those texts about going no contact?

 

One piece of advice I'll give, and you can choose to take it or not take it...

 

I have my own demons, simliar to demons you've mentioned in post 25. I really wanted my most recent ex to understand my demons so he could help me. After the break up, I realized it's not his job to understand my demons, it's my job to deal with them. I'm being single now to learn to deal with my demons.

 

If you sent the text about no contact and just giving him space, I suggest you not send anything further. If you don't hear from him in a month, then I suggest starting to move on. But I would suggest you let him initiate contact from here on out.

[mhowe]

So my boyfriend found a place, but didn't call to tell me. He told his mother he found a place. I found out from his sister because I gave her something he needed to be sent in the mail. He didn't tell her, either. I texted him to let him know I gave his sister the something he needed mailed. He didn't reply, no cool, no thanks, nothing.

 

I would assume he is done with the relationship and act accordingly.

[Run1103]

I don't think I should assume that just yet

[Run1103]

His sister said to give him time to fall into a routine

[Run1103]

He has thought that he has told me things that he hasn't in the past previously. I think it's just an ADHD thing. If he wanted to break up I think he would just say so.

[t1lersm0m1]

Have you heard from him AT ALL since you sent the no contact text?

[Run1103]

A month? That seems a little excessive. I sent this message: "I'm sorry I made you feel suffocated and overwhelmed. I don't think my initial suggestion of no contact is a good idea, as the purpose of no contact is to get over someone and move on. I understand reducing communication out of love and respect for the other, especially if stress is hindering our ability to communicate in a healthy, positive or humorous way. I am going to continue to step back a bit because we are both overwhelmed. I understand that it's my responsibility to handle my own stress and not to subject you to it or have it cause me to get frustrated with you. I don't want you to feel pressured, and at the same time, I don't want you to think I'm throwing this relationship away so I will say that I love you and I'm here for you. You're my favorite fruit loop.

[t1lersm0m1]

Again, have you heard from him since you sent the no contact text/ Has he been in contact at all?

[Run1103]

And no, I haven't heard from him since the no contact text. He was still telling me he loved me, that he wanted to be with me forever, he was addicted to me and he couldn't get enough of me back at the end of August. He's just weird I guess. I'm not giving up but I'm gonna be cautious, that is all I can do.

[t1lersm0m1]

If you haven't heard from him since August, and we're now almost 1/3 of the way through September, his ADHD has not made him forget you, he has decided it's over. You haven't gotten SQUAT from him in response.

 

I'm sorry to say, it's over.

[t1lersm0m1]

Someone could tell you the moon and the stars relied on your very existence, but if they decide the next day to break up with you, then the moon and the stars can't change that. Once a guy decides its over, its over. So please don't rely on anything he said before he started radio silence.

 

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be in contact. No reason for him not to.

[Run1103]

I feel like I've been so naive.

[t1lersm0m1]

Don't beat yourself up. One of the best things I read on facebook: "I never lose. I only win or learn."

[Run1103]

I made a mistake. he sent me this message on September 4th: "I'm just spit balling here... But could I be busy? Could I be fairly exhausted with my odd schedule and not good sleep times due to the odd half night shifts I was working? And now when I am trying to/can/need to sleep I get several frantic texts that seem to be leading to a lot of stress that I don't want to take on atm. Am I ok? Yes I already answered that. I do feel as tho I'm being suffocated and makes me want to ask for a break because I feel that you're badgering me relentlessly..." Do you still think the same, t1ersm0m?

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm still leaning towards the fact that he is done. Only he knows for sure. But you basically said that you were going through a rough time with almost becoming homeless, and at that time you were frantic trying to get him to assure you about your relationship. If there was nothing wrong with you guys, but you used other stressors in your life to become unsure about the relationship, and then sent several frantic texts, I just think he may be done.

 

The only and best thing you can do is to stop contacting him. Stay in no contact. If you never hear from him again, you will have your answer. Hence why I suggested a month (which is a timelime you also mentioned in your first post, you said should I wait a month?)

 

If he wants to be with you, he will be in contact. But you sending more texts will only further push him away. If there's a chance, it will probably only be had through no contact.

[Run1103]

My biggest issue is the fact that I have a tendency to overdramatize and try to feel my pain all at once so I get over someone fast and then I go bang my feelings away. I don't want that to happen. Regardless of if this ends or not, I have to learn to grieve.

[mhowe]

Well---- your ability to do this should serve you well in this instance. He is 3000 miles away, doesn't want to deal with your stress, has tons of his own stress ---

and he wasn't due to possibly return for another 9 months.

[Run1103]

The thing that hurts the most is the fact that I don't think he was being honest with me, even though we mutually agreed that if things were not working we would say so and split amicably. I feel like I wasted time, and more importantly, I've lost someone who I thought was a good friend. I'm going to give it time, but if he doesn't say happy birthday or acknowledge our anniversary, then I know I can't be friends with him or even think about considering a non long distance relationship, IF he has indeed lied. I may consider a proximal relationship otherwise, but I'm not going to wait around and put my life on hold.

[mhowe]

Being in a relationship is never a "waste of time".

 

LDR's are not for everyone. And you two don't have great communication skills.

 

I think he basically told you in his last text that things aren't working.

 

I do feel as tho I'm being suffocated and makes me want to ask for a break because I feel that you're badgering me relentlessly

[t1lersm0m1]

As much as it hurts, you need to learn from this that from what you said in your first post, it's your anxiety that pushed him away. Your relationship sounded wonderful, but went downhill very quickly when you used personal events in your life to go "next level crazy" as one of my exes called it. He said all women are crazy, but some women are next level crazy. I went next level crazy on him. And it sounds like you did the same to your guy.