My long distance boyfriend ignores me. How can I get him to stop?

[Astonied]

I've been with my long distance boyfriend for 7 months. We've met in person once and plan to see each other next year. He's everything I've ever wanted in a guy except for the fact that he ignores me at times. Whenever he is mad, whether it's at me or about something else, he ignores me. If he's mad about something he won't tell me why. So if something in his life gets him upset he will ignore me out of the blue for 3 or 4 days then text me as if nothing happened. If I ask why he ignored me for the last few days and what he was mad about he'll say "don't worry about it." One time he got really mad that I killed him on a video game and ignored me for a week. Every time he was ever upset with me was over a game. I never said or did anything to hurt him so he doesn't have anything against me and has no real reason to ever be mad at me. It really hurts when he ignores me. I hate being treated like I don't exist. I think it's really selfish and cruel of him to ignore me. All he is thinking about is himself and how he feels when he is ignoring me. I'm just left confused and hurt. I told him how much it hurts me. He doesn't understand how it's hurtful and continues to ignore me whenever he is mad. He told me the only time he feels sorry for ignoring me was when he ignored me for a week that one time. How can I get him to understand how hurtful it is to ignore me and to stop doing it?

[missmarple]

How old is this guy?

[Astonied]

He's 20 years old.

[missmarple]

He's too old to be ignoring you...just because 'you killed him on a video game'! Frankly, I thought you'd say he's 15 or something! He sounds like a spoilt kid and the distance isn't helping.

How far are you from each other? Is there any chance that you'll ever live in the same place?

[Astonied]

I thought it was pretty immature of him too. We are over 1000 miles apart. He said he will move in with me when he's finished with college 2 years from now. When I'm finished with college, 4 years from now, we are both moving to where he used to live.

[missmarple]

Immaturity aside, your plans are very premature considering you've only met once. How did you get along in person?

[1a1a]

Ignoring someone is a very poor way to communicate your problem in my opinion.

 

I was with someone who did that for a long time so i know how you feel. Personally, poor communication skills is a deal breaker for me. Dump that guy, focus on you. There will be otherlovers along the way whn Can use their words to tell you when they need space without invalidating your existence

 

Edit to add, you can't make a person stop ignoring you. You can tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to communicate better. He might, he might not. Either way, you have useful information.

[lucy7]

You need to trigger a sense of positive discomfort in his mind.

 

You must be thinking – Wait a minute! How can discomfort be positive and why would I want to make a guy uncomfortable?

 

Well, there is an age old psychological concept which states that as humans we value the very thing we have to work hard for. Men specially are genetically programmed to value the very thing which isn’t easy to attain.

 

Now I am not saying that you should play hard to get and make him run after you. That concept is a myth and can actually turn a guy completely off. What I am talking about is a cocktail of pleasure and discomfort mixed in together. It basically means that you make him feel 90% pleasure mixed with 10% discomfort. This cocktail creates an intense sense of passion within a man’s body that is just hard to control.

 

This tunes up his emotional intensity towards you and he feels this hot, raw and intense love for you which is addictive and almost irreplaceable. In fact, this concept works so well that he will actually enjoy chasing you and will get a special kind of feeling which will get him addicted to pursuing you.

[Astonied]

Immaturity aside, your plans are very premature considering you've only met once. How did you get along in person?

 

 

We got along in person really well. No arguments or conflicts. We were really happy and did a lot of fun things together. He said he was so happy to be with in me in person that it felt like a dream. I also met some of his family who were all really nice and treated me like family.

[missmarple]

We got along in person really well. No arguments or conflicts. We were really happy and did a lot of fun things together. He said he was so happy to be with in me in person that it felt like a dream. I also met some of his family who were all really nice and treated me like family.

 

That's all good but, you know, if someone tends to ignore you when something happens (especially when it's for a stupid reason!), they'll do it when you're together, too. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for ONE time...but long-term? How would you feel if, say, you lived together, and he disappeared for 4 days?

I would definitely reconsider this relationship if I were you. Distance plus (huge) immaturity= maybe you should look somewhere else.

[Astonied]

Ignoring someone is a very poor way to communicate your problem in my opinion.

 

I was with someone who did that for a long time so i know how you feel. Personally, poor communication skills is a deal breaker for me. Dump that guy, focus on you. There will be otherlovers along the way whn Can use their words to tell you when they need space without invalidating your existence

 

Edit to add, you can't make a person stop ignoring you. You can tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to communicate better. He might, he might not. Either way, you have useful information.

 

The most I've gotten him to do is to let me know ahead of time when he doesn't feel like talking instead of just ignoring me out of the blue. Sometimes he doesn't, I guess because he forgets to. Either way I don't like not talking for so long. He says that's how he deals with things by shutting people out. He doesn't like talking about his feelings or arguing. I thought about leaving him because I've been getting fed up with it, but that would be hard for me to do. I'm a very shy person so it's hard for me to meet new people. Besides, I keep running into extremely horrible guys when I do find someone.

[Astonied]

How might I do that?

[amipushy]

A man who cares about his girl's feelings understands how hurtful it is to be ignored, particulary when you are so far apart, he would understand how it would raise doubts, and how it would make you wonder if he is ok or has been in an accident when you dont hear from him in days and will do his very best to alays those fears immediately.

 

Move on, this isnt going to work.

[Capricorn3]

Ignoring you in general is immature, but ignoring you for a week because you beat him in a game is beyond immature. He comes accross as a sulking 10 year old. He still has a LOT of growing up to do.

 

I also think it is way way too early for you to already be making plans to move to where he lives in 4 years time. You've only "known" him for 7 short months, most of it online/long distance. He has already shown you his incredible immaturity and even his disrespect. One gets the impression he is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and has no idea how they work. He is showing you his true character and I would say you can do a lot better. Move on. This one is not going to last (imo).

[Man with Dog]

The most I've gotten him to do is to let me know ahead of time when he doesn't feel like talking instead of just ignoring me out of the blue. Sometimes he doesn't, I guess because he forgets to. Either way I don't like not talking for so long. He says that's how he deals with things by shutting people out. He doesn't like talking about his feelings or arguing. I thought about leaving him because I've been getting fed up with it, but that would be hard for me to do. I'm a very shy person so it's hard for me to meet new people. Besides, I keep running into extremely horrible guys when I do find someone.

 

His behaviour would be unacceptable to most people. I can get being shy and I can also get being shy about finding relationships. I am reading between the lines here but I'm guessing that you have a fear of being alone and not in a relationship. I'm not telling you off here because I felt the same. I married the first girl who showed any sort of interest in me and made the worst mistake of my life! You probably attract "horrible guys" because they can see your insecurities and exploit them. You have yet to meet someone who you can have a satisfactory relationship with but you're only 20! I was well into my 30s when I finally met my life partner and kissed a lot of "Miss Wrong"s along the way.

 

Regardless of whether your long distance boyfriend is a "good guy" or not, the relationship is not meeting your needs. Your choice is to see if you can get him to meet your needs and let him go if he doesn't.

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

Ignoring you in general is immature, but ignoring you for a week because you beat him in a game is beyond immature. He comes accross as a sulking 10 year old. He still has a LOT of growing up to do.

 

I also think it is way way too early for you to already be making plans to move to where he lives in 4 years time. You've only "known" him for 7 short months, most of it online/long distance. He has already shown you his incredible immaturity and even his disrespect. One gets the impression he is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and has no idea how they work. He is showing you his true character and I would say you can do a lot better. Move on. This one is not going to last (imo).

 

I agree with this. You can try saying (not typing) nicely to him that if he ignores you again in reaction to feeling angry that you will not be interested in being in contact with him anymore because his choices do not work with what you want in a relationship.

[sleepingdonut]

There are so many red flags here you could open a red flag store.

 

Like one other poster said, anyone can behave well for one time. It's long-term that matters. A good relationship requires someone capable of love, which is selfless, and that's not this guy. No matter what words he's saying to you when you do talk, his actions are all saying he only cares about himself. Dump him before you waste any more of your heart or life on him.

[journeynow]

There are so many red flags here you could open a red flag store.

 

[ha, I like that, sleepingdonut]

[ParisPaulette]

The question to ask yourself is not how do I get him to stop ignoring me it's why do I want to stay with someone who has the mentality and maturity level of a five-year-old? Come on, you can so do better than this guy. And kick his butt at video games, be ruthless and win-win-win. Then ignore him and go find a guy who likes a girl that knows how to game.

 

That's how you get him to stop. You show him you don't put up with poor sportsmanship, sulking passive-aggressive temper tantrums and being an all-around butt.

 

And we all run into extremely horrible people in life. The difference is those of us with self-respect know that shoving those people on makes room for the good ones. You can do better, but you have to drop the "this is all I can ever get" because bad people smell that a mile off and come running. A show of confidence and being sure of yourself and cutting anyone off the moment they mistreat you will leave you feeling better about yourself AND that attracts a better class of people. Yes, you do have to be just a smidge picky about other people's manners and how they treat everyone around them.

[blackgnat]

I don't think that projecting 2 years into the future, when you've only met once and he is immature (and only 20!) is a practical thing to do. How do you know you will be together after all that time, with all the temptations of college life?

 

You don't have any control over another person's behavior but it's even more difficult to solve problems when they're 1,000 miles away.

 

He knows you don't like it when he ignores you, yet keeps doing it. That's his way of dealing with you.

 

I would broaden your options and find someone who lives closer and whom you can communicate with more effectively.

[t1lersm0m1]

Saying that a guy you've met once is everything you've dreamed of.....you are creating a fairy tale romance where no fairy tale exists. You don't know him, he ignores you when the going gets rough. You deserve better. Are you willing to put your life on hold for a relationship that has the potential to be a disaster?

[ParisPaulette]

If a guy who ignores you when he's mad and who gets mad over you winning a video game is everything you've ever dreamed of...you need to dream a whole lot bigger and better. Like having someone who respects you and doesn't get angry when you win, but proud. And who has an emotional maturity of a grown man, not a child. I could add more, but I think you get the point. This is definitely not the best you can do, not even close.

[weathergirl]

. How can I get him to understand how hurtful it is to ignore me and to stop doing it?

 

You can't. You have no control over how someone else behaves... the only behavior you have control over is your own. All you can do is communicate how it makes you feel, which you have, and hope they make changes. If they don't, you end the relationship...unless you are some sort of masochist who enjoys being treated poorly.

[Astonied]

I don't know how to be happy being alone. I did the same thing with my last relationship. I put up with him for 2 and a half years just so I didn't have to be alone. My parents and friends kept trying to convince me to leave him but I couldn't. It took him becoming violent and obsessive for me to leave him for good. At the moment I only have one friend who I don't get to see that often because she's always busy with work. Therefore, I don't get out much. I get in a deep depression being alone and I don't want to feel that again. I'm not good at making friends. I give short, to the point responses to people I don't know. I just don't know what else to say. I get really nervous and uncomfortable.

[weathergirl]

I don't know how to be happy being alone. I did the same thing with my last relationship. I put up with him for 2 and a half years just so I didn't have to be alone. My parents and friends kept trying to convince me to leave him but I couldn't. It took him becoming violent and obsessive for me to leave him for good. rtable.

 

Have you considered getting some professional help for that? A good therapist will help you work through this problem, as well as other issues (low self esteem, etc.) Otherwise, you will continue to attract unhealthy men with whom you are not happy, who don't treat you well, and who will ultimately hurt you and cause you more pain than you are already in.