My wife lied about where she was.

[Leafire]

I've been married seven years. We separated last year. She started dating a older man and I dated too. We eventually got back together and moved back in with our 3 kids. I was at work last Saturday night. She went out and didn't come in until 5.30 in the morning. I could tell she was lying when I asked what time she came in and put two and two together. I went to the blokes house. He confirmed she had been there with her friend who happens to be his niece. He said nothing happened. I then asked my wife again what time she came in and she lied again. I then told her I knew and had been to see him. We argued and threw my wedding ring away. She swears nothing happened. I do believe her 90%. She has had a relationship before with my best friend but claims it was when we were on a break years ago. I told her I wanted her to leave. The kids have just settled back in and I don't want to hurt them any more. I didn't trust her before this and now my trust has gone. I don't want to spend nights at work worrying she's up to no good. Any advice would be appreciated.

[CraigHowes]

Marriage counselling. Once the trust has gone then your marriage is pretty much gone.

 

You need a safe place to express your feelings without anger getting in the way and not resolving the issue at hand.

 

If you feel like the issue isn't getting resolved it will lead to more anger and more resentment.

 

It's best to get this sorted sooner than later as the kids will start to pick up on it even from a earlier age.

 

Obviously your wife has to be on the same side as you and be willing to try and fix this marriage with help.

 

If she is unwilling or hesitant it's time to seriously reconsider this relationship and what part she plays in your life.

 

Hope this helps.

[panther]

I agree that this would best be solved with external help, since there are children involved.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, marriage counseling.

[autumnsun]

As others have stated, marriage counseling is the only option you have if you want to fix this. You both have to be 150% on board though for any progress to be made.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I feel that in order for a relationship to work then you have to have trust. But people don't really know what trust means.

 

It's easy to know what trust feels like, and what it feels to not have it, but putting it into words is much harder.

 

So I think a good definition of trust is: A willingness to be vulnerable with an other.

In order to develop trust, one person has to be willing to try being vulnerable, and then the other person has to hear that. Then the other person has to risk being vulnerable as well, and the other person has to hear that.

 

Your opportunity is to go first.

 

So being vulnerable might be: "I feel very afraid that you don't want to be with me, and that you're just staying with me for the children. I'd rather you just admit that and then we can work out what's best for the children". There is nothing accusatory in that statement- it is just how you are feeling. Which creates space for the other person because she doesn't have to defend herself.

 

Good luck- it sounds very painful but you'll get through.

[lavenderdove]

Look, it really isn't normal for married people with kids to stay out until 5:30 am ANYWHERE, let alone with someone you know was an ex-lover. That affair is probably still going on. She probably was there having sex and fell asleep.

 

The only other case I can see for this is if she has alcohol or drug problems. If the person is an alcoholic/addict, they can have these kinds of disappearances/blackouts when drinking/drugging.

 

I suggest you get some marriage counseling to get to the bottom of what is going on. But ultimately if you don't think you can trust her or you think she is having repeat affairs, that probably means the marriage is over. I think marriages can sometimes recover from a single affair if they go to counseling and rebuild trust and the person committing the affair feels remorse, but if she is a repeat offender, then most likely she won't change.

[Leafire]

Her friend was with her but they left at different times. My wife says she left first. With her friend being there I'd like to think they didn't do anything but perhaps I'm just a fool. She's hurt me so many times and I'm not sure if I have got anything left to give to the relationship to be honest. I don't want to hurt my children anymore either. But would probably end up hurting them in the long run. My head is battered. She hasn't been happy since we had our third child. I work as a firefighter and work funny shifts. She doesn't seem to respect the fact I work. It's just taken for granted. I've always prided myself on being true to her in the 20 years we've been together but now that seems pointless.

[CatsMeeoow]

As lavenderdove pointed out there is no real reason a normal person married with kids would be out till 5:30am.

[Miss Firecracker]

Nothing happened? She was gone all night with her lover, so something happened. Wake up!