I messed up :(

[MisUnderstood9]

So I messed up big time. I started talking to an old friend from years back and when I mean years I mean like YEARS (10+). Anyways, the conversions were harmless. Fiance knew about the conversations, read most of them and they were just regular conversation of how are you, hows life, daily normal conversion.

 

Well, he made an incentive a while back about how he used to have a huge crush on me and all this and I didnt think anything of it and said "well thats nice". It went from there going into him saying things like, "Wish you were single so I could take you on a date" and all I'd reply with was, "well Im with my fiance so that wouldnt happen." I thought pretty harmless and those kind of comments stopped for a while and they went back to normal how you been kinda conversations.

 

Last week him and I were chatting about my court case that was coming on on the Friday. He made another comment that said, "If you and your Corey weren't together, do you think you'd go out on a date with me?", me stupidly replied..."Maybe, but I am with Corey so it wont happen."

 

Well i left my phone open when going to the bathroom and my phone went off and we were waiting to find out when my son was coming home so Corey checked to see if it was Dad text me back. We'll long story short, he read that comment and because I said "Maybe" he is pissed at me saying I was basically saying that I would date him, but thats not what I ment by it at all and now he's threatening to call of the engagment about because of a Maybe...

 

I have since told this friend that our conversations are ending. That I think that it's making him think I have interest when I dont and that I dont want anyone getting the wrong idea.

 

Now, Im stuck in a huge argument with my fiance trying to make him realize that my answer had no meaning! someone help me... am I doomed?? Can I fix this!? Please help! I love him so much, this is just ridiculous!!

[t1lersm0m1]

As soon as this friend started suggesting anything romantic, you should have made it clear you were in a relationship and if he continued this line of conversation, you would no longer be able to communicate with him.

[mhowe]

As soon as you "caught up" this texting should have ended.

 

Ask yourself, as your fiance is, why you felt the need for continued connection to this guy who has been out of your life for 10 years.

 

You answered "maybe" but didn't mean it? That really isn't believable.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, I think you liked the attention you were getting. Why else would you continue talking to someone who had a romantic interest in you when you are taken?

[Cheetarah]

I don't blame Corey one bit. If it's unwanted attention, you would have told him you're not comfortable with those sorts of comments/questions from him. Or at least, you would have said nothing therefore not encouraging stuff like that. Instead you tell him maybe?

[misssmithviii]

I think anybody here wouldn't have felt comfortable with our significant other saying they'd "maybe" date someone else. The point being that since it's an irrelevant question to begin with, 'maybe' is not an answer as it leads the other person on. Whether the truth is 'maybe' or not, the answer should've reflected the impossibility of it all and been a simple 'no'.

 

I agree with other posters in that contact like this should've ceased the moment he began to be flirtatious with you. If my bf told another girl that he'd maybe date them but he's with me - well, I wouldn't tolerate it. It would take a lot of work on his part to make it up to me because all I'd be wondering is "why did you say 'maybe'?"

 

Keep the communication with your fiancé open - in my opinion you should be putting on the romance to win his affections back.

[Doc Blaze]

I dont think from what you were saying that you were looking to do anything wrong..i just feel like your one of those people that wont put their foot down, i cant say it always but in this situation..you dropped the ball...As soon as he talked about having a crush on you...IMO it should of stopped there..if he brought it up then obviously he is fishing for something else...the fact that he brings up wishing you were single shows that he isnt really a true friend and has no respect for you or your Fiance because he brings it up mutiple times....this guy from day one was looking for that small crack of light to get into your life some how...

[happyplace]

I'm in agreement with everyone here. You got some serious making up to do to your fiance. I would feel the same way if I found out a girl i was with, especially engaged to, was feeding into this guys advances. Shoulda nipped that one in the bud when he started asking you questions like that. He obviously doesnt respect you or your relationship to ask those kinds of questions once, let alone repeatedly.

[MisUnderstood9]

This was the first and only time this has ever happened. My fiance had seen the other comments and saw my replies and even said to me, "thats good that you told him there's no chance".. it was the fact that I said "maybe" that was the kicker and I know this... even with the follow up of saying "Im with Corey so its not going to happen" it still made the giant spiral of hell that is happening right now. I didn't initate the conversation, he used to be a friend of mine and Corey's from highschool and he contacted Corey first.

 

I don't see it as I was enjoying the attention as there wasnt really any other than those few messages. Most of our conversations revolved around my relationship and his relationship and my son and his daughter. There was a handful if those kinds of passes and each one I dismissed with a comment of not a chance in hell. I know this was my fauly 100%, I just dont know how I am to fix it. I know I already made the first step by telling him that the conversations are ending and I was no longer going to speak to him anymore. I have blocked his phone number and him on Facebook... Corey and I have never had this issue before so I am unsure how to clean up this mess. Im so lost and it did mean nothing. I love Corey more than anything, I just don't know how to fix it.

[mhowe]

It doesn't matter that you didn't initiate it, and it doesn't matter that you followed it with "I'm with Corey".

 

Because you did answer "if you weren't with Corey, would you date me"...MAYBE. When clearly the answer should have been along the lines of:

 

"No --- and I find it disrespectful that you are talking this way."

 

Trust, once broken, takes time to repair. Your first steps are fine. Hopefully Corey will find a way to forgive you.

[Doc Blaze]

From a Guys POv...it can be a girls POV too... for me i would of probably been a little annoyed..especially after it was mutiple times, hoping that my SO would put an end to this comuincation with this guy..especially since you are getting married only to find this message...yes i would be upset. because it could of ended a lot earlier. Just because he was happy you followed everything with corey and you were honest about things,doesnt mean he was completely happy about it..i really dont see the majoirty of guys being happyabout some guy hitting on their SOs. its just they dont show it..and he was probably a little conerned then found this and that was the final straw...only time will tell now...

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, for me it would be a matter of trust and it would shake my security that the other person is fully in the relationship and sees it as worth protecting.

 

I agree with Doc, that this old 'friend' showed pretty early that his interests lay elsewhere than simply catching up. He was fishing, and it was disrespectful towards you and your relationship.

 

Your first steps are good, as far as cutting him out and laying strong boundaries there now. But it is going to take time, if you are to rebuild that trust that was broken. You need to be very clear, from here on forward, without making a big fuss about it, that there is no 'maybe' about your commitment to your fiance.

 

Hear him out, listen to each of his concerns, address them and correct your behavior going forward ...that is all you can do.

[jak3]

You made the decision to continue to speak to this guy after you knew he was interested in dating you. You had plenty of chances to stop speaking to him.

 

Don't play dumb.

 

This argument was your lack of establishing clear boundaries.

[MisUnderstood9]

Im not playing dumb, I am very aware of how badly I have messed everything up. I was an idiot and yes I should of ended the conversations with him after the initial comment and after he obviously didnt get the hint when I asked him to stop the first time.

 

I just dont know what to do to start and trying to repair the damage. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows I told this friend that we are no longer speaking and to not contact me again. I have apologized and explained a million times over

[mhowe]

What do you think Corey's response now should be?

 

"Ok,, your sorry and I forgive and will totally forget this"

 

Trust doesn't work that way. It is like dropping an egg. The shell, once whole, is cracked. And can't be "uncracked".

[t1lersm0m1]

Try asking your fiance what he needs. Maybe he needs some space. If you've apologized a million times and he is still upset, then ask him what exactly he needs to move forward.

[misssmithviii]

Time. It takes time and effort and determination.

 

You have to allow him to feel this way, and accept that you're going to be taking the responsibility of repairing it.

 

You can apologize every day for 6 months and if it takes 7 months for him to eventually feel better about it all - you must be willing to wait that long.

 

Keep trying, and don't lose patience because in all reality, he's exhibiting a large amount of patience and understanding by giving you both the chance to work through what very well has broken trust.

 

We all make mistakes - move forward hun, and let him know it's okay to be upset with you and don't pressure him to speed his own healing process. You'll only stunt it even more.

 

The worst thing you can do is play the "I've been trying so hard and apologizing and doing everything I can to make it up to you and now it's hurting me" - my biggest input is this: don't ever twist it and make it about you.

 

Good luck.

[jjkk]

Try asking your fiance what he needs. Maybe he needs some space. If you've apologized a million times and he is still upset, then ask him what exactly he needs to move forward.

 

I completely agree w/ this. Ask him what he needs and then do it.

[JGintheOC]

I agree with all of the above. The texting with this friend went on longer than it should have and if I'm with someone and engaged, I don't ENTERTAIN those kinds of conversations where the other person even thinks its a remote possibility he can even talk to me about that kind of subject matter.

 

Instead of saying "I'm with etc., so it wont happen" doens't mean anything to the other person. All it means is, if you were single you would date the other guy.

 

What would have been better is "IM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU".

 

Its like my friend she has a best friend (male) who has always been interested in her. When her best friend mentioned always having feelings for her she said "I'm not looking for a relationship right now". And he was still always catering to her and etc. and SHE couldn't even understand why he didn't get the hint.

 

So I said to her..."look at what you just said" you said "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" which to him meant "I'm not ready right now but I will be in the future" when you should have said "I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU".

 

So it finally clicked in her head and she said that to him and he finally stopped.

 

YOu need to be clear with people.

[ParisPaulette]

All you can do at this stage of the game is explain to your fiancee that you did not see this for what it was at the time, because you have no interest in the guy. Then you text the guy, "We are not talking any longer, your comments have been inappropriate. I'm with my fianceee, I love him, I'm going to marry him. Never contact me again." And then you call your fiancee into the room and you have him watch you send it to the guy, share any feedback the guy gives and ask your fiancee what you can do to help him regain his trust.

 

And learn a harsh lesson that the second someone says, "I wish you and so and so weren't together/you were single/hope you end things with them etc." that's the second you slam the door shut in their face. You do that the first time, not the fifth or the fiftieth.

[CeeLambrini]

It's not just a slip up of words, it isn't even just a breaking of trust. Your fiancé sees you in a completely different light now. You are a person he didn't think you were and for such a small moment and a bad decision, he sees you as someone who will entertain and humour people who threaten or disrespect your relationship. And I'm reeling at the fact that he was a 'mutual friend' of yours and your fiancé's, I'm surprised Corey didn't give him a piece of his mind at the time.

 

I have been in Corey's position where I found out my boyfriend had been politely humouring a girl who spoke inappropriately to him. He changed the subject and ignored her advances but he never said "You are being inappropriate and I no longer want to continue this conversation, don't talk to me again". She has since been deleted but I suppose the trust can only be rebuilt if a similar situation were to happen again, and you did respond in such a manner where your fiancé could see that you've realised what you did wrong, and now know how to set healthy boundaries with opposite sex friends.

 

You can't always have that, unfortunately. I just wanted to share a perspective from someone who has been in a similar situation as Corey

[HeartGoesOn]

I was an idiot and yes I should of ended the conversations with him after the initial comment and after he obviously didnt get the hint when I asked him to stop the first time.

 

That was your first, and should have been your last opportunity to apply the brakes. I would take a deep look into why you continued to allow him to hit on you, (no offense intended) since it was obvious as to where this was headed.

 

It's a tough lesson, but I hope you can resolve this, and move forward.

[jak3]

Im not playing dumb, I am very aware of how badly I have messed everything up. I was an idiot and yes I should of ended the conversations with him after the initial comment and after he obviously didnt get the hint when I asked him to stop the first time.

 

I just dont know what to do to start and trying to repair the damage. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows I told this friend that we are no longer speaking and to not contact me again. I have apologized and explained a million times over

Pardon the nastiness of my initial message. I'm going through something similar so it hit close to home.

 

I'm about ready to leave an almost five month relationship with someone that I love over this same thing. I once saw marriage, kids, the whole nine yards but now I don't know what I see ... it's muddied the waters to the point that I'm looking at the exit as much as anything.

[MisUnderstood9]

I appreciate everyones insight into this.

 

I know that I am not the greatest at setting boundaries with people period. I have been learning this especially now that I am a boss and not just another employee. I guess I should of realized myself that I should of just ended the conversations as soon as they got to be disrespectful instead of just thinking my replies would of gave him the message.

 

I have since dont all of the above suggestions, I immediately messaged the friend and told him that our contact was ending due to some of his comments being inappropriate and to not contact me anymore. I have deleted and block both his cell and him on facebook. Corey has done the same as well, seeing as he was a mutual friend (more Corey's than mine) I can see Corey's side completely... I am not naive by any means nor trying to play dumb, I know I messed up and should of been more forward with tell this friend that he was being disrespectful.

 

Now I guess it's just a waiting game to see what is to happen. I asked him what he wanted from him and his reply was, "I dont know." I dont know what is going to happen when I get home tonight from work in 30mins. Ive never had to experience this before.. I am prepared to do whatever is necessary to regain his trust back though, I love him so much, besides my son he is my everything.

[Doofus]

OP: If your fiance breaks up with you over this, you should consider yourself lucky. Anyone that insecure and possessive is not going to make a good spouse. I mean so what if would date this guy if Corey wasn't around?? What, does he think that if he didn't exist, you'd be celibate and alone for the rest of your life??? Hopefully, your guy will calm down and take the fact that you've ended all contact with this other guy as a confirmation that you intend to commit to him. You've chosen your fiance over this other guy. You're not settling for him.

Sheez!

Report back. If he does break up, I, at least, will be here with a sympathetic ear.