I messed up :(

[sk22545]

OP: If your fiance breaks up with you over this, you should consider yourself lucky. Anyone that insecure and possessive is not going to make a good spouse. I mean so what if would date this guy if Corey wasn't around?? What, does he think that if he didn't exist, you'd be celibate and alone for the rest of your life??? Hopefully, your guy will calm down and take the fact that you've ended all contact with this other guy as a confirmation that you intend to commit to him. You've chosen your fiance over this other guy. You're not settling for him.

Sheez!

Report back. If he does break up, I, at least, will be here with a sympathetic ear.

 

I second this. While I agree that OP could have handled the messaging situation better, it would be way over the top if he broke up with her because of it.

[MisUnderstood9]

We're on day 2 of the argument about this. He still hasnt given me an answer as to what else I need to do to try and make it better. The maybe was not an implacation that i didnt want to be with him but, he is seeing that it that I was considering it, when I wasnt.

 

I havent ate in 2 days because I am just completely upset. Lastnight was absolutely horrible.. we basically just slept in the bed not touching eat other at all. I wanted to but I didnt want to touch him if he doesnt want me too. I dunno. He did give me a kiss when he left this morning for work but we've been arguing still since I got up this morning about it. I dont know what to do or how the hell to start repairing any of it.

[mhowe]

What are you arguing about this morning? You need to just let him figure out what comes after "I don't know".

[Doofus]

We're on day 2 of the argument about this. He still hasnt given me an answer as to what else I need to do to try and make it better. The maybe was not an implacation that i didnt want to be with him but, he is seeing that it that I was considering it, when I wasnt.

 

I havent ate in 2 days because I am just completely upset. Lastnight was absolutely horrible.. we basically just slept in the bed not touching eat other at all. I wanted to but I didnt want to touch him if he doesnt want me too. I dunno. He did give me a kiss when he left this morning for work but we've been arguing still since I got up this morning about it. I dont know what to do or how the hell to start repairing any of it.

Is there anything else going on in your relationship, at his job that might make him extra sensitive to this? Does he have a history of paranoia when it comes to you and other men? I stand by what I said before: if he breaks up with you over this, then you've dodged a bullet. If not, then you're just going to have to wait this storm out. If you've been arguing for 2 days, then, probably, by now, the argument is going in circles. My advice

1. Do your best to calm down a little.

2. Be reassuring to him, but don't prostrate yourself. It might be that the strength of your reaction is causing him to think that he really does have something to worry about

3. If you want to touch him, do so. Men often are assured of love by sex (not just men of course...). Sometimes when you've said all there is to say, reassurance has to come from the nonverbal.

4. If he has a reasonable friend that he trusts, and that you trust, prevail upon that person to talk to your bf. Though the responses you've gotten on this forum have been damning and unforgiving they are not representative of how most people would react hearing your story. I can understand why your bf, or anyone, might be a little miffed about what happened, but for this to have turned into such a big deal is not typical.

 

Finally, I'd say 'patience'. I really think he'll come to his senses.

[jak3]

We're on day 2 of the argument about this. He still hasnt given me an answer as to what else I need to do to try and make it better. The maybe was not an implacation that i didnt want to be with him but, he is seeing that it that I was considering it, when I wasnt.

He's probably trying to figure out how the you that he knows and understand now will look in his future.

 

Give it time. I hope that you two can work this out.

[MisUnderstood9]

We're still talking about it today.

 

I have asked him to what he wants me to do to start making up the for what i said and his answer is still I dont know. He said that I was the one that hurt him and he shouldnt be telling me how to fix it that I should be figuring out myself.

 

I am so lost now as to what to do? I have told him that all communication has stopped, that I have always been honest with him and I will continue to do so and just give me a the change to prove that it ment nothing and that I am sorry. but its like every time I say it is like it starts the argument all over agian.

 

What do I do? What do I say to him to prove that its ment nothing and never going to happen ever again? I've suggest delete Facebook all together since thats how this mutual friend found us both, I have suggested that if it ever happens again that I will let him leave me and I will not beg for him to stay... I have apologized a million times. All it feels like is that I am repeating myself and nothing I've suggested is good enough but, he wont give me any answers to what he wants from me to help repair it!.. Someone give me some suggestions! PLEASE!

[Fudgie]

Ask him how he feels about complete transparency. Do you guys have that already? Instead of deleting FB/other social media, give him all the passwords and tell him he can check up on you. Say that if he asks you for your phone at anytime, you'll give it up. It may help to bring back trust if over time, he sees that you aren't doing anything.

 

Just a thought. Otherwise, I wouldn't smother him. Let him work through the emotions and be present, supportive, and loving.

[mhowe]

Well, for one, stop saying it. He has heard you.

 

You cannot say things to prove anything. Your actions...treating him with respect.

 

Jesus --- you SAID "if it ever happens again"....are you kidding? How could this "happen" again??????

 

I think you need to really think about whether you have the capability of it "never happening again". Because it doesn't sound like you do.

[Cheetarah]

Oh jesus, you are just digging yourself a deeper hole - If it ever happens again? You should be able to bank on that never happening again, not creating scenarios and expressing them to him as though it is some kind of reassurance...When it's just shaking the trust foundation even more.

 

Honestly, I think you should stop talking. I'm not trying to be rude when I say that, I mean just let him cool off for a few days, let him decompress, let him come down from this. He won't be able to if you are always there, playing upon the raw feelings.

[Doc Blaze]

"I have suggested that if it ever happens again that I will let him leave me and I will not beg for him to stay"

 

 

stay away from stuff like that..wayyyyyy far away...stop with the facebook...stop with deleting it etc...that extreme stuff and it doesnt matter at the moment

 

 

 

i suggest if you cant communicate with him without arguments...just tell him how much he means to you through a letter...past experiences..future with him..etc

try to stay away from what has happened the negative stuff etc..just pour ur heart out...and leave it for him to read..then let it be..he either has to give in some and want to work on it or walk away...

[Cheetarah]

Just want to offer another thought -

 

I know you are distraught and desperate to fix things. But when you sit there apologizing 10,000 times looking for him to say what the magic thing is to make this right, it makes it a lot more about you than it does about him and his feelings, do you know what I mean?

 

He heard you the first time, your apologies. 10,001 won't make the difference. I agree with mhowe, you have to demonstrate to him through actions that you value and respect both him and your relationship. As hard as this one is going to be, let him reflect now. Let him have a little space. Don't try to bring it up for a few days unless he does. And if he does, you just listen. You listen, acknowledge, validate, answer honestly. No desperate pleas, no grand gestures, let him process this.

[MisUnderstood9]

I am trying to show him that I value and respect him and our relationship! I have been giving him the space. He wants to know HOW I am going to prove its not going to happen again.. All I can say to him and what I have been saying to him is by showing him that its not.

 

He already have all the passwords and my phone has always been an open book. By me saying I will show you that it ever happen again, its like its not good enough, like I am supposed to do more but I have NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT IT IS!!! He said he wasnt the one that screwed up. I have taken full responsiblity for my actions and have done and said what i can. I know all I can do is show him through my actions but its like theres something else I am supposed to do and he isnt telling me what it is and apparently I am just supposed to figure it out

[Doofus]

Tell him you've done everything you can think of, but, if that's not enough, you're eager to hear what else he'd like you to do. Then, stop bringing it up. Frankly, I think this should have been a 15 minute conversation. Tops.

 

I agree with others here: Now you just need to give him time. I believe he'll come to his senses. You sound like a good person. He'll come back around to that. And this will be forgotten.

 

After all, though you could have handled this other guy better, how you did is not worthy of this sort of reaction. There's a reason we don't execute people for speeding. There's breaking the law and then there's breaking the law.

If this guy was more secure, he would have accepted your explanation, chalked it up to you being a little too nice and let it go. As I've said, this whole thing makes me doubt him and his intent and ability to sustain a relationship more than makes me doubt you.

[mhowe]

I am trying to show him that I value and respect him and our relationship!

 

How? You seem to just be apologizing.

[MisUnderstood9]

HOW am I supposed too? By magic!?

 

I have ended communication with the friend... I basically told him to F*** off.

 

HOW am I suppse to show him without know how!!!!!!!!

[mhowe]

You show him value and respect by listening, by doing small acts of "kindness" (pick up his favorite drink at the store")....whatevever.

 

For example --- my bf loves it when I watch tv with him. I don't really care for most tv, but I will sit for a half hour so we can "chat" during the show.

Or --- when I go to the market, I pick up his favorite magazine- ---- or a scratch ticket (he loves them).

 

Whatever little things you do to show him that you value him. You do have these, don't you?

[Cheetarah]

Calm down.

 

It's going to take time. There is no magical answer and he knows that logically, but in his frame of mind he's looking for some sort of instant gratification of reassurance. It doesn't exist. So stop scrambling your brain over it like it is some kind of a mystery whodunit dinner.

 

Love him. Value him. Show him you love him and value him through the little things, little gestures, tokens of kindness.

[MisUnderstood9]

Yes, I have always done that.

 

I make his lunch everyday for him. Last night because we had salad with our dinner, I cooked extra veggies so his lunch was not just mashed potatoes and a piece of chicken. Then I pack his lunch for him everyday.

 

When I go to the store and I ask if he wants anything and he says no, I still grab him his favourite drink or chips or whatever. I bake goodies all the time so he has snacks for his lunch. Goodies I dont eat but I make them because he loves them!!

 

He knows I love him, I just messed up and I dont know what he wants me to do!

[MisUnderstood9]

Calm down.

 

It's going to take time. There is no magical answer and he knows that logically, but in his frame of mind he's looking for some sort of instant gratification of reassurance. It doesn't exist. So stop scrambling your brain over it like it is some kind of a mystery whodunit dinner.

 

Love him. Value him. Show him you love him and value him through the little things, little gestures, tokens of kindness.

 

Sorry, I dont mean to be like this at all. I just dont know what to do! I am going to crazy, I have never had to do anything like this before ever.... we have never had any time of dishonesty before.

 

I have ate or had a good nights rest since all of this happened and my anxiety is through the roof!

[Fudgie]

I sent you a PM regarding a site that I think may help you. Please check it out. There's some really good reading material on building better boundaries and how to rebuild trust and communicate with your partner.

[PaintWithLight]

Both of you need to relax and accept the fact that you are together because both of you choose for it to be that way. As long as you continue to choose each other, this incident should fade away.

 

I would also suggest that you take one last good look and ask honestly if this is where you want to be. What your fiancé is feeling is that you were allowing this guy to take up a holding position in case your situation changed. In a sense, this guy was offering to be your backup and you didn't shut it down hard. The challenge behind most guys and girls having friends of the opposite sex is that someone often has thoughts, dreams, hopes of something more than just friendship.

 

Here is what Corey is probably thinking: how can this be prevented from happening again in the future? He does not want to be a warden and warn you about men posing as fake friends because that make him look insecure. He has to rely on your judgement and ability to shut down those kind of approaches and frankly, you did not handle this one very well. You let this other guy stay in your friend zone when you knew he had other ideas. Forget the fact that he knew you both years ago and found you both on Facebook. The minute he crossed the line, you should have shut it down hard.

 

Most guys with beautiful girlfriends have a strict "no-nonsense policy" because it is the only way they can keep from losing their minds. They trust their beautiful girlfriends to handle propositions or unwanted flirtations but if the girl begins to develop some shared intimacies with another suitable guy, they cut their losses and walk away. Why? Because the choice is either becoming a jealous boyfriend or end up standing there clueless as some other guy sweet talks her away. The issue is that your guy cannot understand why you made the decisions you did. The only logical assumption is that you were looking to develop a backup and that is what has him so frustrated.

 

You need to give him a detailed strategy on how you will shut things down when you are approached again (and you will be...). Your guy considers this a warning shot and he does not want to be a fool again. This is a relatively new relationship and you have had bad choices with men before. He wants to cling to the dream of a wedding with you in 2017 but all that seems in jeopardy if you do not have your stuff together.

 

You mention how much you love him but you have to understand what he is thinking. How many months have you been separated from your husband before you met your new guy? How many months were you with Corey before you guys became engaged? I think this is the real issue.

[MisUnderstood9]

I see exactly what you are saying and I have understood his side to it. But I am not a mind reader and I have told him that in the future if i am approached again I will tell any douche who wants to come between us to go where the sun dont shine and to not contact me again, the same thing that I did with this guy.

 

Corey and I were together for 3 years before he asked me to marry him. Not once us ever have any issue with trust or jealously. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened.

 

My ex and I were seperated for over a year and a half before Corey and I got back together. My son was 6 months and I left my ex when i was 2 1/2 months pregnant. The length between that seperated and Corey and I's engagement doesnt have anything to do with that, it has to do with the fact that I messed right up and I know that I have and he wants toknow how I am going to prove that its never going to happen again and I have told him repeatedly that what I will do if I am ever approached that again but its still like he wants a play by play.

[PaintWithLight]

I still do not see the timeline clearly. You were with Corey then with your ex. After 1 1/2 years, you left your ex and got back with Corey but by then you were pregnant by your ex. Now you are with Corey and engaged to marry in 2017? Wow, where is the fire?

 

These rapid role changes have everything to do with why Corey is not handling this incident very well. You have demonstrated your ability to move from one guy to another guy. You have Corey locked into a 3 year engagement while at the same time, you let this other guy declare his love and position himself as your backup.

 

I too would be super upset if i was Corey. Plus you hinted that you want a baby now with Corey. He has to be questioning your decision making process.

[Liraele]

Im not playing dumb, I am very aware of how badly I have messed everything up. I was an idiot and yes I should of ended the conversations with him after the initial comment and after he obviously didnt get the hint when I asked him to stop the first time.

 

I just dont know what to do to start and trying to repair the damage. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows I told this friend that we are no longer speaking and to not contact me again. I have apologized and explained a million times over

 

You have to give it time. Your actions have to show that your words are true....and it's likely going to take a long time to patch the damage.

 

If it were me, I'd be focusing on ways to show my SO that I love him, how much he means to me, and that reiterate he's the ONLY one for me. That's what he needs.

 

He doesn't need to punish you forever, but he's entitled to his doubts about you... and the opportunity to recover from them or not as he chooses.

[MisUnderstood9]

I still do not see the timeline clearly. You were with Corey then with your ex. After 1 1/2 years, you left your ex and got back with Corey but by then you were pregnant by your ex. Now you are with Corey and engaged to marry in 2017? Wow, where is the fire?

 

These rapid role changes have everything to do with why Corey is not handling this incident very well. You have demonstrated your ability to move from one guy to another guy. You have Corey locked into a 3 year engagement while at the same time, you let this other guy declare his love and position himself as your backup.

 

I too would be super upset if i was Corey. Plus you hinted that you want a baby now with Corey. He has to be questioning your decision making process.

 

 

I never jumped from one to another. Our story is complicated yes but most dont get that Corey and I seperated for 6 months before meeting my ex and our split was because we mutually agreed it was best because I was going off to Universary 8hrs away and I was with my ex for 2 months when I got pregnant and left him at 2 1/2 months pregnant because he was abusive mentally and emtionally.

I came home from university when my son was 4 months old because the cost of living where i was was to much for a single mom and i needed my parents around. Thats when Corey and I started dating again BY HIS REQUEST... I did not force a relationship on him AT ALL. We have been together 4 yrs. HE purposed to me and we've been engaged a year. It was HIS idea to wait until 2017 to get married and if you read my post... I am not talking about having a baby with him, I had "baby fever" and he didnt understand why or what it was. We actually have decided that we dont want anymore children.

 

I do get why people think that our relationship would be cause the termonial it has from this incident but, I have asked him if this has streamed from anything else and no he said he just feels betrayed, which I understand why he does because we have never been dishonest or unfaithful to eachother. I am trying my best to figure out how I am to regain the trust that I have lost. Right now I am giving him space he said we are okay he thinks but we need to discuss how we are going to rebuild the trust I lost.