Issue with Strippers and Overall Effort

[Glamourice]

Hi, I've been dating a guy since December and we definitely click and I have had some super fun times with him and our mutual friends.

 

However, before we got together, he was a regular at strip clubs. He also had quite a rep for it from his friends and even his family. A month into our relationship it was his birthday and I was so excited to be his date. We went to one of the clubs of course. Long story short, through the night, he got a double lap dance, and had one of the "dancers" on his lap and cuddle with him for almost two hours. He ignored me most of the night. I felt extremely hurt and humiliated as there were about a dozen other people there who saw.

 

I tried to get over it and couldn't. So we split a while later. Then he apologized and I took him back. He did make it clear though that he believes these women are his friends and he does contact them outside of the clubs through text and Facebook.

 

So a week ago was my birthday and he got me a small but cute gift, I like it but I feel it could have been a bit better. It was a home decor thing. I'm a little hurt. I hate to play the money card but he can easily drop $500 at the club in one night but I only get one small gift that doesn't even cost as much as one lap dance.

 

Should I say bye for good? I'm very hurt from his birthday still and I feel second rate to these women and he hasn't really stepped up. A few weeks ago I found an email from a girl from the club that was from the same day I was out and about buying him clothes he needed for summer spending money I didn't really have.

 

Please keep in mind this is his first serious relationship (we are 25) and I do think that is a factor. But common sense also should be to. That's why I'm confused. I regret not bailing that night on his birthday. But I didn't want to do that on a special day either. Please help!

[Ms Darcy]

If I were a 25-year old guy with a brain in my head and I had a stripper on my lap for two hours while on a date, then that means I don't respect the date. If said date takes me back after a little begging, then that means she's a doormat for the stomping.

 

Don't be a fool.

[Capricorn3]

If I were a 25-year old guy with a brain in my head and I had a stripper on my lap for two hours while on a date, then that means I don't respect the date. If said date takes me back after a little begging, then that means she's a doormat for the stomping.

 

Don't be a fool.

^ This covers it pretty well.

 

Btw, does he know you're trans? (just curious).

[annie24]

^ This covers it pretty well.

 

Btw, does he know you're trans? (just curious).

 

oh wow, yes, does he know you're trans?

 

I was going to say that any man that is a regular at a strip club probably doesn't have a high regard for women, or even lives in reality for that matter. He likes the fantasy of these women fawning over him, whereas for them, it's just a job. It's pure escapism and a waste of money. Especially when his actual date is sitting next to him.

[Iggles]

OP, it's pretty disrespectful. Perhaps his passive aggressive way of dialing back the seriousness of the relationship? Either way, talk to him about how it made you feel. His response will let you know whether the relationship is worth continuing.

 

Btw, does he know you're trans? (just curious).

 

Good question. If you haven't yet told him after 8 months together there's a good chance he's going to feel upset and that you lied to him by omission.

[HeartGoesOn]

Please keep in mind this is his first serious relationship (we are 25) and I do think that is a factor. But common sense also should be to. That's why I'm confused.

 

His age has no bearing on his ignorance. He's an adult who knows right from wrong, therefore please don't write this off as an excuse because this is his first relationship.

 

Either way, I would walk,

[Glamourice]

I was hoping you all wouldn't catch on to my last post about me being trans lol. No, he does not, but I don't want that to have any weighting for your input. Please?

 

Back to the main issue, don't all guys make mistakes?

[Moontiger]

Disrespectful. If I were you I would move on.

[ParisPaulette]

Should I say bye for good?

 

Oh heavens yes, but not over the birthday gift. Do it because he very clearly places so much value on such superficiality that he actually thinks strippers are his friends and contacts them outside of the club. Plus he is already cheating on you with them--i.e. the girl he was texting when you were out buying him clothes. And no, his behavior is not because this is his first serious relationship. It's because he has such a skewed view of women that he thinks it's normal to interact with strippers personally while in a relationship, to ignore his girlfriend in favor of a stripper and to place more value and attention on strippers. Wow, shallow much. And that whole line about how he considers them his friends? Of course they make sure he feels that way, it's more money for him. This guy is living in a fantasy lala land and I'm going to be blunt here--he's not likely to ever have a normal relationship, only ones with strippers and/or women who have such low self-esteem that even though they don't like it they don't demand respect and insist he end his obsession or leave.

 

I'm not one to really care if a guy or gal goes to the occasional strip club. It's another form of entertainment or to spice up one's life on occasion. But this guy has formed his entire sexuality around strippers to the point of obsession and that's a big red flag for any normal non-stripper woman who wants to date him or more.

 

The other thing I find troubling though, is that you would think his behavior is somehow due to relationship inexperience. And you took him back and are right now waffling about whether to break up with him or not. You don't seem to recognize someone who can't form normal attachments and you're more concerned with his not spending money on you than you are with well--he's obviously still looking for more than you on the side in the form of strippers who he sees as friends. Perhaps this is your first relationship too or maybe you've only ever been with guys who were abusive, but I can tell you most men would not have the obsession he has had and still has and likely always will have with strippers.

 

You deserve so much better than this. Place value on yourself first and find someone else who does too, he doesn't. And stop spending money on this jerk, please.

[Glamourice]

This guy is living in a fantasy lala land and I'm going to be blunt here--he's not likely to ever have a normal relationship, only ones with strippers and/or women who have such low self-esteem that even though they don't like it they don't demand respect and insist he end his obsession or leave.

 

So, if I demand him to end this obsession like you say, and he changes, isn't that sufficient? Then why do you say to leave anyways?

[ParisPaulette]

Something must've gotten lost in translation. I never said you need to demand he end his obsession. He's the only one who can do that although you can definitely tell him whatever you want to tell him. You asked the question--"Should I say bye for good" and I answered that question.

[Glamourice]

Thank you all for your help, overwhelming consensus is reassuring. So I did it late last night. I spilled my concerns, said this is bad for me, but now I feel a little bad. He did mention that he deals with loneliness and issues forming friendships. That's why he turned to these people and the clubs, as a form of comfort. It does make sense, as I have seen it first hand. His roomies go out or have a party and don't include him. His team mates ignore him after a game while having post game beers. Parties where he sits on the sidelines. He's home alone a lot. And I do sympathize with him. I could tell it was genuine. I've been there too. Does this change anything? I can get through this if I can get over this final thought. I was still hurt but now I fear we may have more in common than ever before. Maybe he just needed to reach out, to someone? Anyone?

[treesandbees]

I'd leave him and let him live his stripper fantasy lifestyle, I'm sure when his money runs out they won't be his friends. If you have to pay people, they aren't your friends you are their client. What he did with you their was so disrespectful towards you you should never have looked back after that night.

[eskimobobseal]

There's a clear mismatch here between you two. Here's the deal - you can tell him that the stripper thing honestly hurts you and you cant stand it. Then he can either stop going for you or he can tell you to just deal with it.

 

If he says the second option, I think you should probably move on

[ParisPaulette]

Perhaps pointing out that he now has you to go do all those things with, so there's no reason to continue seeking comfort in an avenue that causes conflicts in his relationship? I can see yes, how he would indeed feel less alone and prone to enjoying something that makes him feel like the center of attention, even if it's not real. The problem here then lies in how and why he has trouble forming deeper connections. I think you need to explain to him what it is you want in the relationship then see if he can, indeed, choose a real relationship over a superficial substitute. Most people choose reality in the end, even if they use a coping mechanism at some point for loneliness or not being able to form relationships. It's why children usually give up imaginary friends when they are finally able to make real ones at school or other places. Similar principle here really. It may be why he formed those attachments, but if he has real people to share his life with then it should be that he is learning how and what to do in that relationship.

 

And this is where you are going to have to speak up and have more of a voice and teach him. And if he can't learn or wants that world over the world you offer then you will have to figure out what to do next. In the end it is up to you what you can or can't or will or will not do, same as him.

[Glamourice]

Thanks Paulette, I have brought what I offer up, and I feel it's not enough for him, so why try to explain or teach or speak up now? You and every one else here all said earlier that I deserve better and should bail, as I should have long ago. Did something change your idea on this?