My boyfriend became a drug addict?

[notevensure]

My boyfriend of five years recently had some health trouble. I thought he was becoming an alcoholic and hiding his drinking from me. He denied all of this and then showed up at my house completely belligerent. Still he denied he was even drunk. I broke up with him for lying to me, packed up his things, took his key.

 

 

We didn't speak for a couple weeks, and yesterday he finally called me. He told me the truth. The last six months or so, he started heavily abusing the drug Xanax. It had gotten completely out of control. He started working a lot and began doing it to relax after work. He told me everything, even admitted to stealing some of my anxiety pills (I didn't notice because I rarely ever take them). He was doing so much that he actually had two seizures. And when he showed up at my house that night, he really wasn't drunk, but so high that he doesn't even remember our confrontation. He told his family and his drs everything and he went through a two week detox. The withdrawal was apparently really bad, but after two weeks, it is out of your system. He is now doing an addiction therapy program. He said he scared himself and he cannot believe he let it go that far. He actually works in health, so this is really out of character and bizarre. He wants to remain clean and says he will never touch it again.

 

 

As concerned as I am for his health and well-being, I don't know what to do from here. After five years, to find out that he has been lying to me for six months? Not to mention, stealing from me? I feel so, so betrayed. I hate him so much for wrecking what we had. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously, I love him and want to support him, but the lying and the betrayal is too much. How do I even know if he's really clean? Are we just going to have these issues again? After five years together, how could he be so unhappy that he turns to drugs?

 

I'm trying not to blame myself but I also don't think I can ever trust him, and I don't want to be with a drug user.

 

Can someone offer me advice? I'm too ashamed to tell my family (I don't want them to judge him) and I'm just so hurt.

[JGintheOC]

You have to be open about it with your family. I understand how you feel. But kind if changed your perception of how you saw him and the relationship. It changed how you perceived his character.

 

I had a friend once who I was close with that I thought highly of until I found out that he not only was prob having an affair, he probably had a gambling problem and stole money. I was still his friend but he wasn't this man I had on a pedestal.

 

It changed how I saw him and what he was like. Can you read my post by the way I need blunt opinions.

[ParisPaulette]

You need some space from this and time to process things. I dated a guy who was addicted to Xanax and a whole bevvy of other drugs and alcohol. In his case though he did not want to come clean, so we parted ways. And this is where you BF differs from many addicts--he reached out and got help, realizes it's a dangerous situation to be in and came clean to you about what was going on. That puts him in the top 1 percent of those who are kicking the habit. He is much more likely to stay clean and unless you saw other, earlier tendencies towards addiction this may very well have been a blip on the radar, not a long-term problem.

 

Xanax is highly addictive and highly dangerous to be addicted to. I had a brief addiction to another drug in that same category when I was a young woman. I didn't set out to become addicted to it. It was prescribed for a legitimate reason, and because I felt it was "safe" eventually I started to dose myself. I remember thinking I was saving money not having to go to my doctor all the time and being a big girl and taking care of myself. I.E. I feel like crap, should I go see my doctor? Nah, just have another pill. I feel better now, boom all done. The addiction snuck up on me and it wasn't until my doctor told me I no longer needed that drug that I found out I was "addicted" to it when the withdrawals hit. I came clean to my doctor who tapered me off gradually. Not to excuse your BFs actions, but it can be all too easy, when it's a medical drug, to tell yourself, "This is legal, it's not like I'm getting high on a street corner." The legitimacy can lead one into a false sense of security or the idea that you aren't really addicted, you aren't really an addict, because this drug isn't something you had to buy and hide from your local cops. My addiction wasn't as bad, I was only on the drug a couple of months, but it was still serious enough. I have probably been overly careful about getting addicted to anything in the time since then, because that incident scared the crap out of me.

 

Give yourself some time, tell him you need some time, explore the idea maybe of couples therapy or some sort of support group. It can help. I don't advocate hiding addictions, but it's really more his place to tell your family what happened with him than you. He's getting clean and without knowing more about your family dynamics and his relationship to your family I can't really advise you on that.

[Hugwolf]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can sympathize as I dated someone recently whose heroin addiction relapsed while dating. We went out for just 3 months and even that left me feeling really upset and confused. She hid the relapse from me but noticeably changed when it happened. I thought she was just getting super depressed and pulling away which made me feel bad. After she told me about the heroin I felt confused and upset. I realized that most of her weird behavior was due to the drug, not me, and I was upset about all the deceiving she had done to hide it. Everything made more sense, but I felt really cheated.

 

I also felt like it was out of character for her. She was surprised how out of control it had gotten and wanted to get clean, yet she continued to used it. These drugs are really psychologically addictive, especially when people are using them to self-medicate the stress in their life. Inevitably the drug use starts screwing things up in their lives making everything more stressful so they turn back to the drug to relieve the stress again. This may not be the case for everyone but it was for the girl I dated and I've read so many similar stories.

 

My experience telling family and friends about what happened is that they were very unsympathetic to the girl, and rightfully so, perhaps. They were all looking out for me and concerned for me. It was also just a 3 mo. relationship. Even so, I still cared and being told by everyone to just drop it and run was not all that helpful at the time. Another thing to consider is how your family would perceive him if you told them but then got back together with him. You should seek support somewhere though if not from your family. Like ParisPaulette said, give yourself some space. Let the emotions settle a bit. NA meetings or some kind of couples therapy might be good if you want to work things out with him.

 

The only really positive thing I can say is that I think it's a great sign he took it upon himself to get help after you left him rather than turning back to the drug.

[SooSad33]

"After five years together, how could he be so unhappy that he turns to drugs?"

- He explained it to you..

 

 

>>>"yesterday he finally called me. He told me the truth. The last six months or so, he started heavily abusing the drug Xanax. It had gotten completely out of control. He started working a lot and began doing it to relax after work. He told me everything, even admitted to stealing some of my anxiety pills (I didn't notice because I rarely ever take them). He was doing so much that he actually had two seizures. And when he showed up at my house that night, he really wasn't drunk, but so high that he doesn't even remember our confrontation. He told his family and his drs everything and he went through a two week detox. The withdrawal was apparently really bad, but after two weeks, it is out of your system.

 

It's hard to see someone fall apart like this,, but like Paris said ^, he's been able to come out & admit he had a problem and seeked help for it- good stuff!

My first Ex was an alcy plus a few other drugs, he'd never 'admit' to have a problem so drank, partied etc throughout our relationship, til we fought enough & split.

 

I'd suggest... if you love him that much to keep trying, that you 'support' him with his challenges at this time and be there for him.

Do your best to understand how this can come about and look into some couple therapy, or just something for you, alone.

 

Good luck

[catfeeder]

After surgery I was on a morphine drip until they replaced that with a pill and sent me home with a prescription for every 4 hours. At 3 and a half I broke a sweat as my legs balled up with muscle cramps. When I worked those out my back spazzed out, then my neck, my arms--I was a sweating, shaking, writhing mess straight out of the Exorcist movie.

 

So I started popping the pills at 3 hours but the sweating and shaking and cramping would begin sooner and sooner until my prescription was about to run out. I needed those pills!

 

I phoned the doc and explained that I needed another script to chart myself off the script. From there I suffered an extra 10 minutes, then stretched that to 20, then a half hour, and I kept sweating my way through each stretch between pills until I finally stopped sweating shaking and cramping.

 

I saved the last pill in a glass vial as a trophy.

 

It occurred to me that I was never given the chance to determine if I even would have had surgical pain--and I doubted it. They could have pulled back the morphine and given me a sugar placebo and observed whether I'd actually need such a sneaky drug in the first place.

 

It also occurred to me that despite years of addictions counseling training for a county volunteer job I worked for ages, I had never experienced what addiction actually IS, and I was shocked by how horribly painful it can be to shake off a drug.

 

Sure, I may have had a hyper-sensitivity or maybe I'm more prone to addiction than the next person, but I was in trouble so quickly--and right under the nose of my own mother.

 

This showed me that it can happen to anyone, straight from a doc's prescription, and to say that I would have killed for the next pill while the jonesing began might be stretch--but I certainly would have lied or stolen if it would have relieved that pain.

 

I'm not excusing your BF, but after slipping into trouble so easily myself, I can tell you that he needed the help, he took it and he worked it through--and it was not easy for him.

 

Head high, and I hope we can help you get through this.

[notevensure]

Thank you all for your experiences and support.

 

He is on the road to getting clean, and while that gives me hope, I still am having trouble with the lying and hiding it from me for six months. He just acted so selfishly with no regard to anyone - me, his family, etc. It makes me feel like he couldn't really love me, because if he did, he wouldn't risk what we have for drugs.

 

If he loved me, wouldn't he be here right now instead of us being broken up over his drug use? I just can't understand.

[jjkk]

It's not about him not loving you. As a recovering addict I know this is true. I loved everyone in my life, my children, my bf, my parents, friends, etc. and I hid it because I was so full of shame! Full of shame about using, hated myself for certain behaviors I did to get the drugs, etc. I never once did it because I didn't love the people in my life, in fact loving them was a huge motivation for me hiding it. I was worried what they'd think of me. I spent many days crying much of the day because I was so worried I'd go to prison and I was worried how that would effect my children. I considered suicide more than once because I couldn't make myself stop. I knew I was letting everyone down and I could barely stand to let that realization enter my head, let alone have to let others know what I was doing.

 

Eventually it came out, not because I outed myself but because I finally got busted. It was devastating to me but mostly I was broken up at how upsetting it was to the people I loved.

 

Addiction is selfish. Addicts will do whatever it takes to get their drugs. It doesn't mean they never feel guilty about it or don't love you. They are truly controlled by their addiction. It's a horrible, lonely, painful place to live and for me the biggest part of that pain was knowing what I was doing was wrong and not being able to stop and feeling like I have to hide it from the people who I love the most.

 

I risked HUGE things to use!! These were people and things that had/still have a HUGE meaning and place in my heart and my life. Unless you've been controlled by drugs it's impossible to understand. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't even make sense to me, all I know is how I behaved while using and how it's not my character and people who know me were shocked. I risked going to prison, losing my kids, losing everything I'd worked hard for and took pride in, just to use. The bottom line...I couldn't stop until I got busted and was forced to stop. I couldn't tell anyone about my using because the pain and the shame was so intense and so deep it suffocated me daily.

 

Today I'm grateful someone finally found out and intervened because I couldn't do it myself. I still can't stay clean alone. It takes work, daily. And daily awareness of your disease, vulnerabilities, triggers, etc. It's not a thing you go to rehab and you're cured. It's a lifelong disease that must be cared for regularly.

 

I promise, it's not about you and never was about not loving or caring about you and your relationship. Hugs!

[catfeeder]

He is on the road to getting clean, and while that gives me hope, I still am having trouble with the lying and hiding it from me for six months. He just acted so selfishly with no regard to anyone - me, his family, etc. It makes me feel like he couldn't really love me, because if he did, he wouldn't risk what we have for drugs.

 

It's impossible to understand unless and until you've gone through the physical pain of lacking something your body has come to need. So let yourself get hungry. While hungry, pretend that food is a substance you're not 'allowed' to have--and your friends, family and BF would condemn you for eating.

 

Your pain becomes ridiculously awful. You've found a doctor to write you a prescription, and you're in so much pain that you run straight to the first available supplier and eat the stuff in your car before returning home and facing anyone.

 

But when the hunger comes again, you feel shame. You're not yourself. You resist for as long as you can, but you've snapped at people and you've been unreasonable--so now your guilt is compounded. But all you can think about is getting food to stop the pain.

 

People ask what's wrong, you lie and tell them nothing. But the pangs are strong, your sugar levels are spiked, you have a headache and you're exhausted. Your parents have some food in their fridge, and they'll never miss it if you take a few bites.

 

At some point you get dry heaves, and when you barf bile and saliva all over the place, you've been found out, and everybody is furious with you. Your body is in horrible shape from the stresses of starving and binge eating, and you have nobody to blame but yourself?

 

That's how ludicrous this all becomes. BF had stress that was running down his body. His doc supplied a prescription, and all was well. But at some point when the drug started wearing off, BF's body went into a reaction. He may have taken the next pill to squelch that too soon, so now his system started running on an overlap of doses. It also started to metabolize the drug more quickly. He started getting his 'pangs' for next doses sooner and sooner, but if his prescription couldn't be filled for another week or month, he got desperate. Maybe he went to another doc. Maybe he stole some of your pills. Maybe he found another supplier.

 

And so it goes. Please invest the time to research addiction. Make this less about you for the moment, and try to learn what you can before judging.

 

If he loved me, wouldn't he be here right now instead of us being broken up over his drug use? I just can't understand.

 

Where is he? Who broke up with whom, and why?

 

Head high.

[notevensure]

Thank you all for your insight. I am trying to accept that this has nothing to do with me personally, but it's hard.

 

And I guess because he chose drugs and chose to lie to me over and over, he chose the breakup. Yes, I broke up with him, but it is because he kept lying to me. It wasn't until I broke up with him that he started detox and finally told me the truth. It's the hardest decision I had to make, but I could not allow his lying to go on.

 

Also, he has never had a prescription for it. He started off buying it. This is what I don't understand. He made the choice, at least in the beginning.

 

I don't know what to do from here. I don't want to be with a drug addict. Ideally, he's going to get clean and never lie again, and I would find a way to trust him. I don't know how that will happen though. Should I start No Contact in the meantime? Maybe until he's been clean for a while? He's been trying to make small talk with me and it's just killing me. Really? We're going to talk about our days like you DIDN'T just ruin our relationship for your drugs?

 

How do I move on/know he really is getting clean? I'm just not sure what I want right now. The betrayal is just so painful.

[doormatt]

I am a serial victim of drug addicted partners, probly due to the fact that I have a reasonable tolerance to drug taking as I am contrary to some moderate use myself...which repetitively leads to me becoming a more than moderate user from my partners influence.. So ultimately I end up having to make the decision to end the relationship not only due to the out if touch & untrustworthy behavior of my man but also to save my own health & well being. Because I'm a self confessed drug lover, I'm easily influenced, & need to be selective about who I spend time with.

But from someone who has vast experience on bothsides of this fence.. drugs are bad, evil, manipulative, & untrustworthy... & anyone who takes them is also all these things. If you can break away front this morbid way of life & live a drug free life, with decent people around you, do it!! Any association with drugs is bad news & will ruin your life. Start Fresh & make the most of the life you've been given! it's hard to believe now but there r plenty of clean living fish in the sea. Make the break now , cut all ties & give yourself the life u deserve, I wish I did. Life's really ing short.

[Ms Darcy]

You said you don't want to be with a drug addict. That's the bottom line.

 

He is and will always be a drug addict. So breaking up was a wise choice and staying apart would be a wiser choice.

[lavenderdove]

This problem is probably deeper than you know. You say he showed up at your house 'belligerent' and then claimed it was due to Xanax and he couldn't remember. Xanax doesn't make you belligerent, it tranqs you out, but other drugs such as meth or some other bad street drugs might. Sometimes drug addicts will cop to 'lesser' or more socially acceptable drugs in an attempt to avoid admitting they are addicted to more serious and sleazy street drugs like meth.

 

So now he is trying to worm his way back in on the idea that he'll be a good boy. But the reality is that this is a very serious situation if he is buying street drugs, and his belligerence shows that that he might be taking other drugs as well and might become dangerous to you personally. so he might have been doing various street drugs for a long long time and you didn't know it, and they just recently got really out of control to the point it became obvious to you.

 

It is true that some addicts get clean and stop using. But it is also equally or more true that they continue throughout their lives in a cycle of using, rehab, relapses, rehab again and again. So if you define yourself as someone who wants no part of drugs in their lives, then your best bet is to not sign up for a permanent relationship with an addict, because odds are good that you will go thru these cycles throughout your life, and he could well drag you and your future family into the gutter with him.

 

My suggestion is that you go no contact for a period of at least 6 months to a year. He needs to focus on getting himself clean and staying clean, and you don't really know whether he is capable of doing that this early in the game, and will of course swear at this point he'll never do it again in order to try to keep you, but there are no guarantees on that. And honestly, most people after breakups don't keep talking to their exes if they genuinely want it to be over. So you need to straighten out your head and decide what it is you truly want to do, break free and find a non-addict for a partner, or join the merry-go-round that is living with an addict.

 

If you do feel you want him enough to stay with him, then don't agree to date him now, but do agree to go to any counseling sessions he sets up related to his addiction or your relationships. So at this point, only see him in the company of a professional addiction counseling who will help navigate you through this initial recovery period. Otherwise he'll probably just calm your fears down, then once it is settled down again, that is when he will probably start using again if he hasn't gotten sufficient therapy and his recovery isn't deeply entrenched. Many many addicts will start treatment to try to hold onto a partner, but they will only stay the course if they are forced to really grapple with the addiction rather than go to detox just to pacify you.

 

And you need to have a zero tolerance policy. As in, if (and when) he uses, you will not be with him, not see him, have nothing to do with him. He's either clean, or you're totally out of his life.