My boyfriend hates my family.

[champ39]

Hi, (sorry this is so long)

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We live together and have now started talking about marriage.

However a couple of months ago we were at my parents house and my dad got drunk and threatened to hit me, I didn't think he would so said "go on then" so he got up and grabbed me by the shirt and pushed me against the wall. My boyfriend then got up to protect me and my dad punched my boyfriend in the face.

After that we left and I didn't speak to my dad for awhile. Then my dad called and apologised to me, but didn't call my boyfriend to apologise to him.

My boyfriend kept going on and on about how my dad must hate him because he hasn't apologised for hitting him. I said I am sure he is sorry he was just raised differently and will apologise to your face. When my boyfriend hadn't heard anything from my dad weeks after it he said again to me when is this going to be resolved. So I called my dad crying asking when he was going to apologise to my boyfriend because it is putting a strain on our relationship. My dad said I thought he was a bigger man than that, I said I thought you were a bigger man and would have apologised already. My dad then called my boyfriend while I was in the car with him. When my boyfriend answered he was all cold and bitter, and when my dad apologised my partner said I am not interested in an apology over the phone so my dad got angry and threatened to hit my partner AGAIN! and my mum got on the phone and started yelling and calling him names.

This was a few weeks ago, I spoke to my mum and told her that what she said and what my dad said were not right, that they were in the wrong and they need to make it up to my partner. My partner has told his family what has happened and now they hate my family and want to send them a letter and have words with them, they have also told him to break up with me.

I don't know what to do, it wasn't me who did anything wrong it was my family. I know what my dad and mum did was bad and I have told my boyfriend this, but now he hates them and tells me all the time how much he hates them and doesn't know if he will ever get over it.

I love him so much, and I don't expect him to forgive and forget what my dad and mum did, but I don't think he needs to punish me over it.

He says he loves me very much too and that even though his family is telling him to break up with me he doesn't want to, but I just want this all over so we can move on, but he is stubborn and won't even get together with my family to resolve the issue.

 

Any advice?

[Seraphim]

Technically he could've had your father arrested. What your father did was assault.

 

The only way this will work out between you is if the both of you go to couples counseling together.

 

However I would not expect him to ever like your family or his family ever like your family either. Imagine how you would feel as a mother and somebody punched your son or daughter in the face? Would you want to be friends with them either ?

[champ39]

Technically he could've had your father arrested. What your father did was assault.

 

The only way this will work out between you is if the both of you go to couples counseling together.

 

However I would not expect him to ever like your family or his family ever like your family either. Imagine how you would feel as a mother and somebody punched your son or daughter in the face? Would you want to be friends with them either ?

 

Yes I know what my dad did was assault. I don't expect them to be friends, but just to be civil in front of each other for me. I also understand why his family would not like mine. I just feel like I am caught in the middle.. I haven't done anything wrong yet I feel like I am the one being punished.

[Seraphim]

The thing is your boyfriend doesn't have to be civil to your family. In fact he should have nothing to do with them. Physical assault is serious serious business. So no he should not have to be civil to them. Should he be civil to you? Yes. Unfortunately, we pay in life for who we are related to. So now you're probably going to be paying for what your father did . That is why I suggest couples therapy so you guys can learn to talk about this in a civil way. He has to put the blame where it belongs and you have to stop having the expectation that life is going to be nicey nicey after this event. He does not have to tolerate being punched in the face and nor does he have to be nice to your family after that. Nor does he even have to see your family after that and it's unreasonable of you to expect him to.

[Seraphim]

Also to maybe have some counseling for yourself. I think probably violence was more prevalent in your upbringing than what you're saying here. For your father to even think of hitting you tells me that that's probably the case. And the fact that you made some excuses for your father not apologizing and the fact that you expect your boyfriend to be civil to him tells me that's also the case because you're trying to normalize this event. So you're probably going to need some help for yourself as well.

[Moontiger]

It's your job to manage your family and his job to manage his family.

 

Honestly both of your families sound like they don't have sense god have a goat between all of them. No, his family should not get involved in anyway whatsoever. You should put your foot down with your family and their threatening, violent behavior. Of anyone in my family ever hit someone I was dating you can bet I would have some very strong things to say and I would not see them for a long time .

 

 

 

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[Moontiger]

Your caught in the middle because you more or less defended your father after he assaulted your BF .

 

And wouldn't you hate someone who assaulted you? Why are you demanding your BF be civil with people who physically attacked him then threatened him?

 

 

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[abitbroken]

I wouldn't want to be around your family, either. Honestly, if I were him, I'd break up with you. The only way I wouldn't is if you went to counseling and you did not go see your family for awhile and did not expect your partner to. It doesn't matter if you see things as "your fault" or not - it is not a healthy environment for anyone.

[shellyf62]

I think that you are very lucky to have a bf who would defend you like that & step in.

I suggest you stop trying to make him see your family and realise what you have in him.

If you keep pushing him he might decide to leave.

 

I also agree with the others about seeing a professional to sort out your "acceptance" of the assault. Most families don't go around punching each other in the face.

[Snny]

My partner has told his family what has happened and now they hate my family and want to send them a letter and have words with them, they have also told him to break up with me.

His family needs to completely stay out of the drama. Letter of nasty words.. Haha, wow Is that all they got to resolve this?

 

I agree with the others- you have to manage your family from this point on if you both are considering marriage. Heck I would be very skeptic about being around your family anymore if I were your boyfriend.

[lukeb]

You are caught in the middle because this is your family and you want to continue having them in your life. You also seem to want your boyfriend to resolve this issue through talking about it and your Dad apologizing and for that reason I would probably break up with you too. You do seem to have that background where this amount of violence is a normal part of life and to a certain extent acceptable. Another reason why I would break up with you is that even after 6 years together you're not really standing up for your boyfriend. After 6 years I should think that you should view your boyfriend as your primary family and you are not really. I don't often tell people they should break up as you can tell from my previous posts. If I were in your bf's shoes I could probably live with you keeping contact and never denying you contact with your family but I wouldn't want to hear anything about them or see them or have anything to do with them. But I am not your boyfriend.....

[champ39]

Hi all,

 

I in no way accept what my dad has done to my boyfriend. I have also told him he doesn't have to see them again. I am not trying to force them all to get a long. But there will be a time (if we get engaged or married) where my family and my boyfriend have to see each other and all I am asking is for when that happens they can be civil. My boyfriend has also said hateful things about my family and that maybe we should move away from them which I don't think will help the situation. I did stick up for my boyfriend after it all happened and told my mum and dad that they can't treat him that way that I love him and they need to treat him better and they have both agreed what they have done is wrong and they will do anything they can to resolve this. I understand my boyfriend doesn't have to forgive and forget and he can hate them I just don't think he should blame me for what they have done.

I will talk to him about couples counseling as that sounds like a good option for us.

[Moontiger]

I don't understand why, if you are going to marry this person, you would want ppl around who assaulted him. I honestly would not have anything to do with them.

 

And, by excusing your dad not apologies immediately you were, in away, defending/dismissing what he had done.

 

If someone in his family punched you in face, would you let them attend your wedding?

 

 

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[lukeb]

On this we fundamentally disagree, and I can see how it is your Dad behaved and will almost certainly continue to behave like this in the future, how he could potentially be a role model for your children. I wouldn't blame you for your parents behavior, but I would blame you for how you are trying t handle the situation.

[champ39]

Thats the thing I don't know how to handle the situation. I don't know what to do. I don't want to not see my dad ever again. He knows I am upset for what he has done and I have only seen him twice since it all has happened and he has been seeking help regarding his drinking and he will always be my dad. I love my boyfriend and like I said I don't expect him to be friends with my dad or see him again but that does not mean he should keep me away from my family because of it. He now says hurtful things about my sisters even though they have all stood up for him in this. He just hates everything to do with my family.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't understand why, if you are going to marry this person, you would want ppl around who assaulted him. I honestly would not have anything to do with them.

 

And, by excusing your dad not apologies immediately you were, in away, defending/dismissing what he had done.

 

If someone in his family punched you in face, would you let them attend your wedding?

 

 

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Agreed. And this is why I would advise your bf to leave you.

[champ39]

And my dad has never laid a hand on me or anyone else.

[CeeLambrini]

I don't think you are seeing the full picture here, or, like others have said you have grown up desensitised because of the amount of violence in your family.

There were two men in that room that day. Both love you. One stood up and pinned you against the wall, probably with a punch about to come after it. The other stood up to protect you, and took the hit so you wouldn't get hurt.

Which sounds more like family to you?

 

Your boyfriend is frustrated with you because you are refusing to see that. After being punched and threatened, he won't want anything to do with them and I'm sorry, I would hardly expect him to want to marry you/invite them to the wedding anymore. But he will because he loves you. Another vote for couples counselling. He needs to learn how to express his feelings on the situation without anger and you need to fully understand how this has affected him.

Blood might be thicker than water but not when it's constantly diluted with alcohol, sorry - your boyfriend acted like a protective family member who would do anything for you that night, your Dad acted like a brute.

[abitbroken]

If you think there is a chance that you will last in this relationship = yeah, eventually they will have to see eachother at the wedding, but you should not and cannot force them to have a relationship now. That has to come on your boyfriends terms and in his own time - if you push and push it right now you look like a major enabler for dad and it also looks like you don't care about your boyfriends' feelings. It may take years.

 

Yes, your boyfriend is right to want to move you away from your parents. If your father threatens to hit you (and actually would have made contact if it weren't for your boyfriend) and this is what happens when your parents are new people to him, he can only begin to imagine what happens as he becomes more familiar and their guard is down. Why does it "make things worse?" for him to want to be away from them? Sometimes distance creates a boundary.

 

No - your parents will NOT do anything to resolve this because your boyfriend required an in-person apology and your dad refused. That may not completeld bury the hatchet, but it would be a start. Honestly, your boyfriend should have filed assault charges against your dad and attempted assault charges because he tried to hit you. And I am alarmed by the fact your mom is not absolutely outraged by this (though if he has an alcohol problem she is being an enabler and YOU are exhibiting the same behavior). And you don't seem concerned by the possible cracked teeth or other things that could be wrong with your boyfriend's face after this that haven't come to awareness yet.

 

I understand that you say your dad has never hit anyone - but it is completely not normal what happened and men who would not dream of hitting people do NOT punch their children in the face (kid, kid's spouse or boyfriend - same difference - and that punch would have landed on YOUR face). It would be the last thing they do. It is going to be hard for your boyfriend to believe. I don't honestly believe you that your dad has never done anything violent based on this story. Unless he had a nervous breakdown just then. Honestly, what is REALLY messed up is that dad thought your boyfriend would be the "bigger man" by just letting this blow over. He shouldn't. it is assault. Your boyfriend IS the bigger man by protecting you, and by not striking your dad back when he had every right to do so.

 

I honestly think you need personal counseling to unravel this all - you clearly are in denial about your family dynamic. I also recommend attending Al-Anon. And I honestly think that your boyfriend has every right to take himself out of this family dynamic

[champ39]

My dad never refused to apologise in person my boyfriend didn't give him a chance to ask.

I think he is going through a nervous breakdown as he has recently been sick and doctors can't figure out what is wronf and that his job of over 30 years will end in a few months hence why he started drinking. Not that there is any excuse for what he did I am just giving a history break down.

I have never said that I want my partner to be friends with my dad.

I have repeatedly said he never has to see him again if thats what he wants. But I don't want to cut out my whole family for this yet that is what my boyfriend wants. His mother last year had some nasty shots at me and I told him I won't want to see her for awhile but I don't expect him to not speak with her again as family is important. They have always been there to help both of us when needed which he is choosing to ignore.

He hasn't seen them since and I have never asked him too, I said he can take all the time he needs. My dad has planned a dinner with him to apologise in person but my boyfriend is refusing to reply. And I know he is hurting and I want to be there for him.

[Moontiger]

I think your having trouble processing what people are telling you.

 

Your father did NOT immediately apologies and YOU defended that decision.

 

Why should he reply when the last time your father was to apologies to your bf your father threatened him with physical violence ? I wouldn't reply either !

 

Also , I don't think you can compare some nasty words to being punched in the face .

 

 

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[lerenard]

The name of this topic confused me. At first I though your boyfriend is the problem here for unreasonable hate towards your family. But in reality, your father is a mean aggressive drunk, that physically assaulted your boyfriend and future husband. So now, you need to make a choice. And if I were you - I would stay with my boyfriend, and never let my father see my kids if he is such a j*rk, and can`t even apologize.

[champ39]

I never defended my dads decision to not apologise straight away. I was angry at my dad for not apologising to my boyfriend and I told my dad that.

I didn't speak to my dad for over a week after it happened and have only seen twice since and both times I have told him I'm not happy and he needs to make it up to my boyfriend.

I don't know what more I am supposed to do?

[lerenard]

I am sorry but if my dad was about to punch me and was physically holding me, and then punched my boyfriend - I would not talk with him for MONTHS before he makes A LOT of effort to make it better and resolve this. You are talking one week, and you keep bringing up excuses for you dad.

What you are supposed to do now is to make it up to your boyfriend, and ignore your dad before he wises up/gets better/whatever.

[Moontiger]

You state in your opening post "I said I am sure he is sorry he was just raised differently" that IS defending him after he assaulted your BF.

 

Get couples therapy.

 

 

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