My boyfriend hates my family.

[CeeLambrini]

It's not doing something that you need here, it's understanding the situation and being on your boyfriends side. This man may be the father of your children someday and you will need to always put that family first above all else, including your parents. You want everything to smooth over someday but honestly, what has happened has happened and I wouldn't be surprised if now you will have to have a relationship with your parents separately and only occasionally. They won't be losing a daughter but both of their behaviours have cost them a son-in-law and probably a close relationship with their future grandchildren (especially if the violence continues)

That is not your cross to bear, you can only grieve at what their behaviour has cost them. Again, he may have invited your boyfriend for dinner but that is still requiring your boyfriend to get up and go over to their house which I'm not surprised he won't do. Your Dad needs to go over himself and apologise or at least attempt to make things right for your sake and if his apology isn't immediately met with the warmest welcome, not to blow a fuse again and start making threats.

 

Remember that in your boyfriends eyes, a man got up to assault you, and then assaulted him whilst he tried to protect you. He is your father, and you love him but your boyfriend won't be looking at things that way right now.

[champ39]

Thank you for your reply. I have come here for advice and have felt attacked.

What you have said I agree with and I thank you for being understanding.

 

I feel with what you have said I can go to my partner with a better understanding. Thank you.

[Snny]

Nobody is attacking you here. The fault lies in your father and his behavior is completely unacceptable. I don't know if I would ever want to have a thing to do with my father if he ever assaulted my fiancé, drunk or not.

[Seraphim]

Like Snny said nobody's attacking you. We are trying to get you to see that your defense of your dad is not the right choice. That is what's causing the problems with your boyfriend. He sees you defending your dad when you say oh my dad was raised different , oh my dad is losing my his job , oh my dad drinks because he's losing his job. Whether you see it or not that is defending your father and telling your boyfriend that the punch to the face that he got was acceptable by YOU for any number of reasons. THAT is why your bf is mad at you. You have to stop defending your father with X number of reasons. It doesn't matter that your father's losing his job ,it doesn't matter that your father drinks now because he's losing his job those are completely immaterial as to why he punched someone in the face. Those are not excuses and you have to stop defending those excuses.

 

And as to why your boyfriend doesn't want you to see your family well it could be that he probably thinks you're going to be assaulted again. And he will be put into a position where he's going to be physically assaulted again as well.

[PaintWithLight]

Thank you for your reply. I have come here for advice and have felt attacked.

What you have said I agree with and I thank you for being understanding.

 

I feel with what you have said I can go to my partner with a better understanding. Thank you.

 

Your thread title is very misleading. The issue is this horrible incident that happened between your Father and your boyfriend.

 

What kind of people behave like this? I am sorry if you feel attacked but seriously, this is a jaw dropping dysfunctional situation. You know your family and its dynamics. If you know your Dad is an angry drunk then you need to manage this situation, especially when Dad is out of control.

 

Dad: I am so angry I feel like hitting you.

You: Thanks for the nice evening but we need to be going....

 

This would have been having your boyfriend's back. Instead, you say "go on then"??? Since when has baiting a drunk person ever been a good idea? So things escalate and then your boyfriend has to get involved and it is two wounded male egos who cannot make peace. People insisting exactly on what type of apology is sufficient in their eyes. Pride Pride Ego Pride and Alcohol.

 

Does your Father have a history of getting physical when he has been drinking? Has he hit or pushed females in your family before? You need to give your boyfriend full disclosure before he marries you so he knows just what he is getting into.

[ParisPaulette]

Bluntly speaking, I'd hate your family too if I'd been the one there when your own father tried to get violent with you and I got hit in the process. And then your father never apologized to me? Phhfft, does your dad not realize he could have gone to jail for what he did had your boyfriend decided to press charges? You need to keep insisting your dad apologize directly to your boyfriend for hitting your boyfriend. And you need to realize your boyfriend was trying to protect you and got hurt by your father in the process. If there's going to be a marriage you will have to find a way to declaw your family or keep them very far away from you. This is not your boyfriend's problem, he has a very good reason to dislike your family and not trust them. And anyone not raised in an abusive household is going to tell you this, that what happened was not acceptable and the way your father is still acting over it is not acceptable. And it never will be.

 

As to what you can do about it all--all you can do is keep telling your father that if he wants to see you both again then he needs to apologize to your boyfriend directly, man-to-man, without threats, without nastiness, sincerely.

 

But beyond that the only person whose actions you can control are your own. You cannot make your father be less abusive, you cannot make him apologize, you cannot force your boyfriend to want contact with someone who is so openly hostile and abusive to him and you. All you can do is either accept the situation as it now stands--that your boyfriend will never want anything to do with your family or trust them, with good reason AND that your father will never apologize, because as with most abusive personalities he thinks he has a right to raise his hand against his family and have no one intervene--OR you decide that allowing your family to mistreat you and your SOs is just what you're willing to put up with and you go and find a guy who has zero fight in him.

 

And I am not trying to being mean, but you need to get some counseling if you think your father's actions are in any way acceptable or forgivable or not a huge red flag deal. Physical abuse is never acceptable, never. Your boyfriend didn't even punch back, just got you both out of there. He's not the one with the problem, your father is and to some extent I think you've lived with the violence and think it's acceptable too. And that's a really, really big problem if you are going to get married and have children. A really big one.

[abitbroken]

I never defended my dads decision to not apologise straight away. I was angry at my dad for not apologising to my boyfriend and I told my dad that.

I didn't speak to my dad for over a week after it happened and have only seen twice since and both times I have told him I'm not happy and he needs to make it up to my boyfriend.

I don't know what more I am supposed to do?

 

The problem is not the apology at this point. Drop it. The problem is your dad hitting your boyfriend (which would have been YOU.) I think that instead of pushing your dad to apologize at this point, you should tell your dad that you are very hurt every time he picks up the bottle and encourage your parents to get help for him. Also, as long as he is not in therapy or in treatment, do not see your dad for a bit. They need to get the message that you will no longer tolerate this. It is not okay. You will only see them in controlled limited moments

 

Also, at this point, you encouraging your dad to apologize opens the can of worms - if your bf does not want to hear from your dad, or want anything to do with him, dad tries to apologize and bf does not behave how dad expects (tells him he forgives him, they have a bonding moment, etc.), dad will just get angry.

 

Every family has problems and its how they deal with them. If this is truly the only time this has happened, dad should be getting help. He should be in jail or rehab -in or out patient at this point.

[abitbroken]

btw you are not responsible to get your dad help = only remove yourself from the situation while he doesn't. lots of people date and marry people who have messed up family situations - its how the person deal with the family is what makes the difference.

[lukeb]

I never defended my dads decision to not apologise straight away. I was angry at my dad for not apologising to my boyfriend and I told my dad that.

I didn't speak to my dad for over a week after it happened and have only seen twice since and both times I have told him I'm not happy and he needs to make it up to my boyfriend.

I don't know what more I am supposed to do?

 

Although it may seem like an obvious question but why do attach so much importance to an apology?