Should I give him a chance?

[notalady]

Ok some of you may have read my two previous posts about two different guys of interest. Well here's another guy I need advice on haha ok maybe I don't need advice but just a second opinion, which is always nice to have!

 

This is a guy I met at a friend's birthday party, we had a brief chat and got along quite well. Two months later, he found me on Facebook (through my friend's friends list) and we had a brief chat. He didn't ask my friend (or I should say more like an acquaintance) for my number because she has a crush on him and he had rejected her, anyway that's a different story and not a relevant consideration for me.

 

He ended up asking me to go to coffee, as friends not a date, as he was aware that I was seeing someone at the time (the guy who only wanted a short term relationship. My acquaintance had conveniently told him I was seeing someone, out of her own interest clearly.) He just thought I was pretty cool and wanted to get to know me, which I have no objections to obviously.

 

Coffee went well and again we got along well. So come next weekend, he asked me to meet up again, had coffee which extended into lunch. By this time I had already clarified things with the "short term guy", so would have no problem to properly date this other guy if I wanted to. But I didn't tell him this as I wanted to get to know him a bit more as friends first, without the pressure of making it an official date.

 

After two meet ups I have gotten a fairly reasonable amount of knowledge of the guy and felt like I was losing interest. Here are some of the things influencing my thought process (positive and negative):

 

1. He has always been a bit of a nerd, never took a real interest into dating or finding a gf. He was also quite passive, and never asked out any of the girls he was interested in in the past, while girls who expressed interest in him were not ones he was interested in. So he is now at 32, and never had a relationship. Apparently he contacted me this time out of repeated encouragement from a good friend of his, and made no secret that he's glad that he got up the courage to do so. The fact that he is "inexperienced" in relationships at this age worries me a little.

 

2. Despite this, he doesn't come accross as socially awkward. So far he comes accross as pretty straight forward, honest and open with discussing his thoughts and feelings in an appropriate way. And made it clear that he likes me and would ask me out if given the chance. I have no problem with his character at this early stage and find his openness refreshing (though it's not rare to me either).

 

3. It sounds like he doesn't have many friends, you can probably count them with one hand, which isn't much of a surprise given his personality and hobbies. This also bothers me a little. Just a little. He is very close to family though, which is nice.

 

4. We don't have many common interests. He likes astronomy, he used to like software programming but not so much as a hobby anymore because he works in the field, he also likes to play games. I did some programming in school and university, and I used to play games but not so much anymore, having outgrown my nerdy self a bit lol. I did get back into playing games not that long ago, mostly with my ex, to share his hobby, so I don't mind doing that as I do enjoy it, but I wouldn't want to do it all the time.

 

He doesn't watch movies or tv shows (minimal), both of which I'm really into. I'm sure he would go to the movies if I ask him to though.

 

I also enjoy exploring new cafés, restaurants, bars, obviously those with something good or special to offer. I also enjoy wine tasting, degustation etc, just generally the finer things in life. My understanding is that his taste is much less...refined, for the lack of a better word, and that goes accross to food, drinking, as well as his dressing sense. That is not to say he won't get into it if I ask him to go to some of these things, and it's not like they are deal breakers. But considering all these, it's suffice to say we don't have a whole lot of common interests.

 

5. We seem to have different views about rules. For example he and his friends used to bring a six pack beer to the beach and drink it there (no alcohol is allowed outside of licences premises here in Australia). They take the rubbish with them of course and dispose of it responsibly. His view is that Australia is over regulated and some rules make no sense or do more harm than good, which I completely agree with. However I wouldn't just go out and break these rules because I don't agree with them.

 

Actually I guess a more accurate way of putting it is I will break some rules (e.g. Jay-walking, eating on the train) where it's so minor that no one actually cares to enforce it, but would not break ones that are more likely to be enforced. That doesn't seem to be the way he operates. I'm not sure what this says about him or about our compatibility as such. Or maybe bringing beer to the beach is not really a big deal and I'm overthinking this one. But I can tell you this, my ex was a complete rule follower and quite inflexible on it, which I never thought I would mind, but to my surprise it really annoyed me when he kept doing it. He would even look disapprovingly at other people who break rules such as jay walking and comment to me on it, which also annoyed me to no end.

 

Anyway, so this guy said on Friday night that he would like to ask me to meet up again on the weekend but feels weird to do so because I clearly said I am seeing someone else, so he feels a bit confused. And asked me my thoughts on it. I said I thought he is pretty cool and I would be happy to continue hanging out as friends and get to know each other more, but I don't want to lead him on, which I feel that I may be if I continue meeting up with him. But if he's not comfortable with continuing being friends I completely understand.

 

He said he may still want to meet up but need to think about this some more and that he appreciates my honesty. He said he obviously can't ask me out (since he still thinks I'm seeing someone else) and "but I do like you, don't think otherwise lol".

 

I like that he took a really mature and direct approach throughout the whole thing, and maybe my concerns about his "inexperience" in relationships is unfounded.

 

A major consideration for the "rejection" is outside of anything to do with this guy. It's because I'm still more interested in my friend (see my other post on that one), and if given the chance would choose to date him, not this guy. While I'm not waiting around for my friend forever, I am in wait and see mode, which shouldn't be long (again proper update in the other post). But if I say yes to dating this guy, I obviously can't progress things with my friend should the opportunity arise. I don't believe either of these guys are the type to date multiple people at the same time and would not want the same done to them. That's why I insisted on the friend thing. Plus some of those things listed before (such as lack of common interest) played into my lack of enthusiasm.

 

But I'm just wondering if I wrote him off too quickly and whether I should give him a chance because he does seem like a nice guy. Even if not right now, maybe little way down the track if he is still interested. I know it ultimately comes down to how interested I am. But I just wanted to see what fellow ENAers, in their infinite collective wisdom, think about this guy given the information provided? And what you reckon I should do (ie leave it alone for now or agree to "go out" with him)?

[missmarple]

The guy looks ok to me. I don't see any major red flags or anything. The fact that he hasn't had a relationship yet wouldn't bother me..many people are shy or just don't meet anyone they're really into and who's into them, too. Also, there's no law against having different hobbies..I've rarely shared the exact same hobbies with my exes...as long as someone is open-minded and willing to try new things and doesn't insist I should follow their hobbies, I don't see a problem.

I think that you're just not into him that much (maybe because of that friends of yours) and all the rest is excuses

[ParisPaulette]

It sounds like he's a cerebral introvert whose interests don't necessarily match up with yours. I don't see any real red flags here, other than perhaps that you two may not have a whole lot in common, however one of the great things about dating is that you get to introduce each other to new things and to expand on each other's world. But before you decide anything based on what small information you have thus far why not just continue to see him as friends and do some social things together and see where things take you?

[notalady]

I think that you're just not into him that much (maybe because of that friends of yours) and all the rest is excuses

 

Haha that's what I suspected too thanks missmarple for your thoughts on the guy

[notalady]

It sounds like he's a cerebral introvert whose interests don't necessarily match up with yours. I don't see any real red flags here, other than perhaps that you two may not have a whole lot in common, however one of the great things about dating is that you get to introduce each other to new things and to expand on each other's world. But before you decide anything based on what small information you have thus far why not just continue to see him as friends and do some social things together and see where things take you?

 

I would like to continue to stay friends and get to know him more, but he obviously wants to ask me out properly, hence wanted to clarify things with me on Friday. I made it clear I want to stay friends for now, and he's gone away to have a think about it. He probably just doesn't want to get more into this since he thinks I'm seeing someone, or doesn't know if he can handle just being friends.

 

One thing I could do is to tell him I'm not seeing the other guy anymore, and would like to get to know him more, however still in the friends capacity for now. But the problem is then I'm worried he's gonna want to move things forward rather quickly and would want to be exclusive sooner than I do. That's the vibe I'm getting anyway. Hmm...

[notalady]

I forgot to mention, he's very close to his mum (dad passed away). He's Italian so I guess that makes sense. I don't mind that. He lived at home until recently when he bought a place himself.

 

But he said he still gets his hair cut by mum! Lol! I was thinking really?! Wow ok..I don't know what to say to that lol.. Am I being too judgemental or is that not normal?

[abitbroken]

My boyfriend and I have different hobbies. That works well because then we have something to part ways on and talk about to eachother later. I really think that if he lives on his own now and he is being proactive about meeting someone, you should give him a chance BUT

 

I think you should dump short term guy. That is going nowhere. And you have other guys that you can go out with who might have more to offer or can turn into something long term. I also think that if your friend is not interested in you, you should consider him not interested in you. I don't think its fair to date short term guy until something better comes along. Stop hiding behind the "i'm dating someone" when its a good convenient rejection when its nothing serious.

 

The only thing that bothers me about this particular guy is he is pursuing you while you are dating someone else. BUT you did say you are not exclusively dating - so I guess its legal, but still...

 

If your friend that you like is not interested in you - then take it he is not interested in you.

 

Dump short term guy. Just go on dates with a number of guys and then eventually pair off and date ONE until you get to know him enough to know if you want a relationship longer term or if he is not for you. You can't give any guy a fair shake if you are distracted by other guys because you are comparing him to others you may or may not get the opportunity to date and don't see him on his own merits.

 

But he said he still gets his hair cut by mum! Lol! I was thinking really?! Wow ok..I don't know what to say to that lol..

 

If my mom was a retired hairdresser, i would not think it was weird getting a haircut from mom. Maybe that will change in time, though.

[HeartGoesOn]

But he said he still gets his hair cut by mum! Lol! I was thinking really?! Wow ok..I don't know what to say to that lol..

 

I'm not sure why this would be an issue?

[missmarple]

But he said he still gets his hair cut by mum! Lol! I was thinking really?! Wow ok..I don't know what to say to that lol.. Am I being too judgemental or is that not normal?

 

Well, what does his hair look like? If it looks good, mum is doing a good job..and for free..lol. I'd do the same if my mum knew how to cut hair!

[notalady]

I don't know if my friend is interested, I'm in the process of sussing that out. Maybe like missmarple said, I'm just not that into this guy and looking for excuses to not date him. Probably the same reason I'm using the "I'm dating someone" excuse. To be honest I wouldn't have used that as an excuse on anyone if it wasn't for the fact that my friend had already told him about it, oh well. I don't think it's really an implication on his character though, I did say at the time I don't know where things are going with this other guy, so I guess it's fair play lol.

 

I'm actively looking but have no dating potentials in sight at the moment (other than this guy), so I guess I'm just distracting myself with short term guy. But you make some good points there and I need to have a think about whether that's affecting my dating mindset. I don't think so, as I would not hesitate to dump him for my friend or for this other guy I went on a first date and really got along with (unfortunately he hadn't ask me out on a second date after now one and half weeks, so I don't think he's interested). But anyway it's something I'll think about.

 

I don't think his mum is a retired hairdresser, haha..

[notalady]

Well, what does his hair look like? If it looks good, mum is doing a good job..and for free..lol. I'd do the same if my mum knew how to cut hair!

 

It looks like exactly that - hair cut by mum. Lol..it's not terrible but it's not good either. I haven't had my hair cut by my mum since I was 16! Lol.

 

It plays into the whole "unrefined" ensemble I guess! Maybe I'm just shallow, I think the whole unrefined look (and his car is a bit messy too, which contributes to the whole image) just doesn't do it for me..