Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Good morning everyone, It's me again looking for advice. So after my awful dating experience in my last posting I promised myself that this time when I date id change the way I dated. This could have hurt me in this situation. So I met this guy about a month ago on link removed, we had a great conversation and he asked me out for coffee which went well, but I noticed he was dressed really well and he also told me that he was going to the movies after our coffee meet up. I could be wrong but it looked like he was going on a date. Even though our meet up went well I was immediately on guard that he dated a lot. Surprisingly he contacted me the next day. We hung out every week sometimes twice a week, all conversations and hang outs were intiated and planned by him. I wanted to plan or ask him out but I couldn't do it afraid that I may push him away like I did the others. Even without my effort he still made the attempt to see me every week. Hear are some things I'm concerned about: we have only been on 3 dates by ourselves, all our other hangout a have been in a group setting either with his family or friends. We haven't had sex and I told him I don't sleep with people I'm not in a relationship with he said he liked my rule but I am afraid he will get sex from someone else because I'm almost sure he is still dating other people. Yesterday we worked out together we went back to his place had breakfast and he left for work usually I'll hear from him but I didn't and now I'm concerned. We hugged goodbye but no kiss which I thought was fine since I'm not his gf I don't expect it. I think me not making much an effort in contact or dates could have hurt me. My theory was that if he is interested he will make the effort. Was a wrong am I being to parinod about not hearing from him? Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 try to relax....if you don't hear from him then maybe "he's just not that into you" but it also sounds that you're just not that into him either. If you guys are in the early dating stages then it's normal if he's still dating others. You are right to hold out on the sex aspect until you feel you are on the same page with the dating progression. There's also nothing wrong with you sending him a cute text or email...to say hi, if he is interested he will reciprocate and you can pick up where you left off Hope this helps Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 I am into him, we live about 30 min apart and I always travel to see him but he always treats me to a good time. I'm flirty touchy when were together but I just don't intiate text, I'm just very scared to get my feelings hurt I know it sounds dumb but it has happened so many times that I'm almost afraid to make an effort. Even now I'm afraid I'm showing him to much of me to even send a good morning text ... Ugh Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 hmmm, I understand your sensitivity to being hurt. I hate to say it but mild rejection is part of the "dating game"....not everyone is meant to be our one and only...it can't be forced. It sounds like he is treating you well, not being pushy, those are good signs! Try not to let anxiety get to you. Maybe don't send the text first thing in the morning...do it after 10am or so...seems more casual....try to enjoy the process. Be observant of "red flags" but try not being TOO cautious. it's kind of a delicate balance.... Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 That makes sense at first I was really casual about it, but now I think I'm almost expecting him to text me to see if that interest is there because from experience when the text stop they aren't. I try and show my interest in person. I just don't want to be like every girl he has dated from our conversations it doesn't seem like he has to work hard from a woman's attention Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 then maybe he's not the one. if he needs to be pursued that sounds like an ego thing Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 That could be true, it's been 3 yrs and I still don't get the dating thing. Are there certain rules? Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 It's been a month...you should give him a break and initiate contact once in a while. I'm not saying chase after him and ask to see him but what if he's wondering if you like him because you never text him first. I agree at first letting him contact you is a good plan... but I'm sure that gets tiring for him after a while. If you haven't heard form him just send a simple hello to let him know you are thinking about him...maybe just a note about something you saw that made you think of him or something...no questions about what he is doing or anything like that. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Have YOU ever planned a date with him/invited him to do something and then actually paid for it as your treat? You are accepting an awful lot of invites and dates at his arranging and If I were him, I'd be wondering just what you were up to if you were accepting every offer, him paying and you never reciprocating. Its good that you'll not have sex unless you are in a relationship but you have to show some effort or you'll never actually get to the point of someone asking you to be exclusive with them. Its like tennis you both have to be playing because it's no fun if only one is hitting the ball. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Maybe he's just leaving some room for you to offer some reciprocation. Here's your opportunity to ask him out and treat him to something nice. Go for it, and don't keep taking his temperature. Durable relationships are built over t.i.m.e. and fluctuations--not predictable patterns that turn stale. Don't go over the top, but do step up and offer him an invitation. Cook him a meal at your place or buy some really nice takeout or treat him to your favorite restaurant--or take him to something with your friends. Let us know how it goes, and fingers crossed for you. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 That's a vote from two that think you ought to invite him out to do something with you and stop waiting for him to yet again, be the one that has to set something up.. Its reciprocation time, Red. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 You need to relax and stop focusing on only dating one guy. It creates scarcity, which creates anxiety. Until you both have "the talk" and agree to be exclusive both you can and should date other people too. So you need to keep dating others. If it's going to work out then it's going to work out and if you get to the three month mark and it still hasn't moved beyond this phase tell him it's not working for you and move on. Right now you worrying about him getting sex somewhere else is totally premature--he hasn't even asked for exclusiveness yet. And he may never do so. Be prepared for that, hold to your own boundaries, see who else is out there. Don't stop dating others until you and anyone you're dating decide you both want the same things and want to be exclusive. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Red, you met this guy on Match, so you were in dating mode from the start. From a man's perspective, if I'm interested in you, then I'm doing the pursuing. "Interest Level" is vital in dating. One thing that stands out is that he was dating multiple women on the same day, and told you! Maybe it's just me but I'd have a problem with that. If I'm dating you, I don't want to hear about what you're doing with other men. I would have told you to contact me when you serious about dating. It looks like he did a quick evaluation of you, and has placed you in the "friend zone". What does your instincts tell you? Do you want to be his friend, or his girlfriend??? Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Red, you met this guy on Match, so you were in dating mode from the start. From a man's perspective, if I'm interested in you, then I'm doing the pursuing. "Interest Level" is vital in dating. One thing that stands out is that he was dating multiple women on the same day, and told you! Maybe it's just me but I'd have a problem with that. If I'm dating you, I don't want to hear about what you're doing with other men. I would have told you to contact me when you serious about dating. It looks like he did a quick evaluation of you, and has placed you in the "friend zone". What does your instincts tell you? Do you want to be his friend, or his girlfriend??? I like him but we haven't gotten to know each other enough for me to be ready to be his gf... He didn't tell me he was going out with more than one woman in a day I guessed... If I'm in the friend zone then I don't want to make an effort to pursue him and get my feelings hurt. Deep down I think he likes me but isn't sure about being exclusive.. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 I agree that I should put in more effort but I feel like ill be putting myself out there... I'm just scared to. And he contacted me today so he beat me to contacting him... How do I know if he interested in more than a friend? How do I know if I should take that leap? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 If you want to be with him then that is your clue that you should take a leap with him. What do you want? Do you even know? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 I agree that I should put in more effort but I feel like ill be putting myself out there... I'm just scared to. And he contacted me today so he beat me to contacting him... How do I know if he interested in more than a friend? How do I know if I should take that leap? Your approach to dating is too much of a tight rope walk. This isn't some game show where if you make exactly the right moves you win the big jackpot. Dating is nothing more than sets of two people exploring whether or not they have the right chemistry. Sure, a bad move can be a 'last straw' that tips someone who's on the fence about you into 'done' territory--but that doesn't mean you 'lose' anything that wouldn't have fallen apart over something else anyway. This isn't a win or lose deal--it's pure experimentation. Some people can juggle many experiments at once, while some of us like to take things one person at a time. Neither way is 'wrong,' but we all need to make room for the idea that someone else's puzzle piece might fit our dates' vision better than ours. That doesn't speak badly of us, it speaks only of a dates' matching chemistry with someone else--and it indicates that someone better FOR YOU is still out there. If you're going to sweat through dating, you make want to consider taking a break from it long enough to regroup and gain a healthier perspective. It's all a dice roll--either you synch up well with someone or not. If they don't own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value, then this speaks of their limitations--not some deficiency in you. It just means that they are not your match. Look at a jigsaw puzzle and consider why you'd divide up certain pieces into certain sections, and why one piece isn't 'bad' or 'wrong' if it doesn't match another piece. This doesn't mean that you'll never find the right match for it--it just means that you're trying to match it to the wrong pieces. Dating can be viewed that simply. It doesn't make it easy, but simple and easy are not the same things. Make it simple. Ask the guy out on a date. If he accepts, show him a nice time and enjoy yourself. If he declines or doesn't respond, take your puzzle pieces to another table and try matching them with someone else. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 I like him but we haven't gotten to know each other enough for me to be ready to be his gf... He didn't tell me he was going out with more than one woman in a day I guessed... If I'm in the friend zone then I don't want to make an effort to pursue him and get my feelings hurt. Deep down I think he likes me but isn't sure about being exclusive.. Let me re-phrase this, what are you looking for in dating (friends, casual dating, LTR,...)? Remember, he contacted you first, so he's the pursuer. It's up to you to communicate to him either before, or during the 1st date what you're looking for. Has he made any moves (kissing, cuddling,...)? I agree with the others that you need to initiate things, but importantly you need to start asking questions. What is he looking for in dating (why did he contact you)? Is he dating you, or what? Is he dating other women? He's brought you around to his friends, & family. You work out with him, eat at his house,.... and you're not a gf? What is the status between the two of you? Take control of things. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Thank you so much for your response that's exactly what I'm doing, in my mind I know I am but I feel like I have been either to upfront or not upfront enough, or too eager which I think is hard to hide. I enjoy my time with him and I'm natural giver so I want show him what I can bring to the table but because I think he dating other woman it makes me a little nervous to put myself out there because it doesn't make me stand apart from them, it makes me just like them. I have witnessed woman out right flirting with him. He is catch so I don't blame them. How do I find out if I even fit into his puzzle without seeming to eager? Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Let me re-phrase this, what are you looking for in dating (friends, casual dating, LTR,...)? Remember, he contacted you first, so he's the pursuer. It's up to you to communicate to him either before, or during the 1st date what you're looking for. Has he made any moves (kissing, cuddling,...)? I agree with the others that you need to initiate things, but importantly you need to start asking questions. What is he looking for in dating (why did he contact you)? Is he dating you, or what? Is he dating other women? He's brought you around to his friends, & family. You work out with him, eat at his house,.... and you're not a gf? What is the status between the two of you? Take control of things. I want something serious, to date on exclusively with someone. We have made out, have gotten semi touchy. We don't act like couple in terms of affection ie holding hands in public, kissing hello and goodbye. We cuddle. The asking questions make me a little nervous only because I don't know of it's too soon I have pushed other guys away when I have asked questions in the past. How do ask in a casual sense? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Thank you so much for your response that's exactly what I'm doing, in my mind I know I am but I feel like I have been either to upfront or not upfront enough, or too eager which I think is hard to hide. I enjoy my time with him and I'm natural giver so I want show him what I can bring to the table but because I think he dating other woman it makes me a little nervous to put myself out there because it doesn't make me stand apart from them, it makes me just like them. I have witnessed woman out right flirting with him. He is catch so I don't blame them. How do I find out if I even fit into his puzzle without seeming to eager? Stop viewing him as some prize, and start viewing yourself as one, instead. Either he's a good enough match for you, or he isn't. Stop viewing it the other way around--you'll sink yourself and take all the joy out of dating. (Have you noticed?) Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Stop viewing him as some prize, and start viewing yourself as one, instead. Either he's a good enough match for you, or he isn't. Stop viewing it the other way around--you'll sink yourself and take all the joy out of dating. (Have you noticed?) I agree, if I consider myself shouldn't I allow him to be the pursuer? I see how I'm sucking the fun out of it. I wish I wasn't an over thinker Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 I'm an over-thinker too - it cost me my last relationship BUT there were so many red flags I actually thought I was in Russia LOL.....try to enjoy the process Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 I don't think either of you should pursue in the sense of chase. I do think you should reciprocate planning dates and inviting him out at this point. I think it's fine if he is dating other people and it's none of your business right now and that goes both ways. If for now you know that his general goal is to find a serious relationship then that is all you need to know. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 I don't think either of you should pursue in the sense of chase. I do think you should reciprocate planning dates and inviting him out at this point. I think it's fine if he is dating other people and it's none of your business right now and that goes both ways. If for now you know that his general goal is to find a serious relationship then that is all you need to know. I'm not sure if he is looking for a serious relationship but he knows I am. Thank you for the advice, I need to stop treating it as a game, but if someone is dating other woman how do I behave, especially if your beginning to like them? I want to put my guard down but it's a little scary any tips? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.