Was I too cautious? Or am I being parinod?

[ThatwasThen]

I agree, if I consider myself shouldn't I allow him to be the pursuer? I see how I'm sucking the fun out of it. I wish I wasn't an over thinker

 

It is a fine dance and if you leave everything up to him then he's going to lose interest in always being the pursuer to someone that never reciprocates. Have you even kissed this guy?

 

You should view yourself as the prize that any guy would be glad to take out but that doesn't mean you act like you expect him to do all the giving while you just take.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure if he is looking for a serious relationship but he knows I am. Thank you for the advice, I need to stop treating it as a game, but if someone is dating other woman how do I behave, especially if your beginning to like them? I want to put my guard down but it's a little scary any tips?

 

I think you need to find out his general goals. How you behave? Accept his invitations to go on dates as long as he asks in advance and you are free, show up, look nice and be nice. Very simple. Ask him out too since it's been a month or so. Keep your life fun and fulfilling. I would probably do this for another 2 months or so and hopefully by then he will have asked you to be exclusive. If not, then ask him what his intentions are. I am not sure what you mean by "putting your guard down" - simply be a fun and interesting date (and you do that by having a fun and interesting life) and try to be as positive as possible when you are spending time with him.

[happpybear]

I'm not sure if he is looking for a serious relationship but he knows I am. Thank you for the advice, I need to stop treating it as a game, but if someone is dating other woman how do I behave, especially if your beginning to like them? I want to put my guard down but it's a little scary any tips?

 

There is nothing you can do personality wise, you are competing with women that you don't know, and have no idea what you are up against. You just have to be you, genuine and real. He either likes it or he doesn't. He chooses you or he doesn't. But, you should initiate a date/contact more often. As Batya wrote above, he may think you are uninterested if you never do anything, considering that you have been on a few dates already.

[catfeeder]

I agree, if I consider myself shouldn't I allow him to be the pursuer? I see how I'm sucking the fun out of it. I wish I wasn't an over thinker

 

Your job is to consider yourself the prize, and his job is to consider himself the prize. So you're two equals meeting in the middle to experiment and hopefully find great chemistry with one another.

 

The idea is not to impress or manipulate or even to 'compete' with unknown factors, but rather to relax test whether this person motivates you to put your best self forward.

 

Your best self doesn't pretzel herself to try to be who he wants but rather is someone who can be herself and demo the same consideration for him that you expect from him. So yes, reciprocation is kind, reasonable and hopefully something you want to do--not because you're putting on a show, but because you like him enough to want to repay his kindness toward you.

 

This is not a contest, it's about learning whether he's right for you. That's why you're NOT competing, because if he'd drop you in favor of anyone else, then he's only answering the question of whether he's RIGHT FOR YOU.

 

You deserve someone who 'gets you'--the real you. If you adopt some paste-on personality that caters to a guy, then he'll never get to know the real you, so the whole experiment is a waste of your time.

 

The kind of simpatico you deserve is relaxing, fun--and rare. That's why it's so hard to find. That's why you want anyone who's not there with you to drop away early, so you can move on to find the guy who IS right for you.

 

Love is supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it? We are NOT right for most people--which means we need the resiliency to go through a LOT of dating before finding the right match. If you get too fixated on 'winning' one guy, you get too invested in your own fantasy 'about' him rather than allowing yourself to learn if he's even right for you.

 

So stop trying to be right for him--and discover whether you're both right for one another. If you can enjoy yourself in the process, you're doing it right.

[SoulTaker]

I want something serious, to date on exclusively with someone. We have made out, have gotten semi touchy. We don't act like couple in terms of affection ie holding hands in public, kissing hello and goodbye. We cuddle.

 

The asking questions make me a little nervous only because I don't know of it's too soon I have pushed other guys away when I have asked questions in the past. How do ask in a casual sense?

 

Red, you have to find out where this guy is coming from. I've stated this in my initial reply, and Batya has also mentioned that you got to find out what his goals are. This should have been done before the first date. What is his dating objective? You want something serious (LTR). You have the right to ask him what he's looking for in dating (casual, LTR, friends,...).

 

Once you have this answer, then you'll know how to proceed. If he says casual, then you'll have to decide whether to spend time with a guy that's not looking for a LTR. If he says he's open to a serious commitment, then you need to have a time table as to how long to date in order to determine whether the two of you will be exclusive, and you will need to initiate your share of the dates.

 

In the meantime, until the two of you are exclusive, you should be dating others (just like he's doing). Nothing beats competition, when it comes to determining one's interest level in a person. At this point, he knows that he has you in his back-pocket.

[Redabc123]

Thank you all for the advice, I followed y'alls advice and did asked him out kind of lol he was working yesterday and I asked if I could bring him lunch by since I was in the area, he replied by saying he got lunch but I could come by on his break, I had to meet family at the time of his break so I told him maybe next time. His reply was genuine and he wished me a good night, I had fallen asleep on his good night text so I thought it would be a good opportunity to say good morning, but I got no reply. At this point I'm confused. I showed interest by initiating convo and offering to bring him food, what did I do wrong?

[Batya33]

I'm not sure what the issue is. That he didn't reply to a text? You didn't reply to his text for many hours, right? This has nothing to do with whether he is interested. If he is interested in seeing you in person he will ask you out on a date. Even if he did reply to the text but did not ask you out you would not know if he was interested in another date with you. What I would have done after he offered to see you on his break was made an alternative plan, time and place, not left it vague.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, agree with Batya. If you couldn't make his alternate meeting time of on his break, then you should have said well, what are you doing after work or tomorrow for lunch or tomorrow for drinks after work or whatever.

[Redabc123]

Yes, agree with Batya. If you couldn't make his alternate meeting time of on his break, then you should have said well, what are you doing after work or tomorrow for lunch or tomorrow for drinks after work or whatever.

 

Do you think I still have a chance of asking him again?

[LoveSoDeep]

Do you think I still have a chance of asking him again?

 

Honestly...you need to stop thinking about it so much. Either he will ask you out a gain or he won't either way you should just be you and go on with your life as normal.

[SoulTaker]

Honestly...you need to stop thinking about it so much. Either he will ask you out a gain or he won't either way you should just be you and go on with your life as normal.

 

True. Its as though the OP is trying to learn how to date, after she's already involved with someone. It might be best to take time out, or move on from this person, try to learn the art of dating, and then start dating again (fresh start). There's no more I can state on this matter.

[Redabc123]

True. Its as though the OP is trying to learn how to date, after she's already involved with someone. It might be best to take time out, or move on from this person, try to learn the art of dating, and then start dating again (fresh start). There's no more I can state on this matter.

 

Thank you for your help

[Katrinagirl]

True. Its as though the OP is trying to learn how to date, after she's already involved with someone. It might be best to take time out, or move on from this person, try to learn the art of dating, and then start dating again (fresh start). There's no more I can state on this matter.

 

How does one learn the "art" of dating? I have been dating since 17 years old, and although I've made my share of mistakes (and still do), most of what dating is....is based on intuition and basic common sense.

 

The way I see it, if a man is interested in going out on a date with me, he will ask me out on a date. I don't care how many texts he sends me, or how often he stares at me OR flirts with me, if he's interested in dating me, he will ask. If he doesn't ask then he's either NOT interested in dating me, OR he's playing some sort of game and wants me to ask him/chase him. That is my experience and most women's experience.

 

I like a take-charge, assertive guy so the 'him waiting for me to ask him' doesn't work with me. However, there are women who have no problem asking a man out. Everyone is different, but basically everyone should do and act in whatever way works for them.

 

Get to know YOURSELF and learn to trust your intuition. If you can do that, then dating should be easier.

[Redabc123]

Thank you for your response, we did end up hanging out last night which was a lot of fun. I took everyones advice here and offered to cook for him everything turned out great. I don't know if he is ready to date exclusively but there is a reason he isn't asking. He knows what I'm looking for. He told me last night in conversation that is detached emotionally from dating and that he tends to have walls up, which was kind of confusing because we had a nice time. He also told me he isn't dating anyone but didn't say if he was open to it, his match profile is still up. At this point I know I should be dating other people, but this seems to be my same situation when I meet someone I really like its hard to focus on someone else. Does anyone have any tips? Im afraid because I already like him I have opened up myself to get hurt, but I am having fun hanging with him. Ahhh dating! lol

[Katrinagirl]

You sound a lot like me, in that I only date "one at a time" also. I don't date (juggle) different men simultaneously...and I don't date men who date and juggle different women simultaneously either. I am a "one at a time" girl and I only date men who are “one at a time” men. There is no wrong or right here, everyone is different and as I said you need to do what is comfortable for you.

 

I know many people say to date different men if he is dating different women, but that doesn’t work for me, because just like you, when I meet a man I really like, I prefer to date only him in an attempt to find out where it will lead. Like you, my goal is a long term committed RL, and I have found through lots of experience, that dating a guy who is dating different women while dating me is ambivalent about me (at best) or flat out not that interested but will date me until Ms. Right comes along.

 

I have found that men usually know very quickly whether a girl they meet is “good for now” or has “long term potential.” I prefer to be in the latter group…. I would never settle for being a “good for now” girl.

 

So that said, I won’t tell you what to do, because you have to do what’s comfortable for you, BUT if I were in your “shoes,” I would find out IF he is dating other women. If he is, again if I were in your shoes, I would stop dating him. Because after going out with me a few times, if he is still so unsure about his feelings for me that he still needs to pursue other women then frankly “he’s just not that into me.” And I don’t date men who are just not that into me.

 

May sound rigid to some, but that is what works for ME, and so far it has worked out beautifully for me.

 

Also, IF a man gets turned off because you are asking him questions regarding where you stand, or the status of what’s happening in your dating relationship, then good riddance! It sounds to me like you have kissed a lot of frogs so far…. i.e. men who got turned off because you asked questions that made them uncomfortable. DON’T feel badly about that, you did NOTHING wrong. You have every right to ask questions, heck it's YOUR life and YOUR heart on the line here! Be thankful you pushed him away! You don't want a man who gets turned off when you ask questions.... again good riddance to him! NEXT!

 

Just keep going. You KNOW what you want, so stick to that and DO NOT SETTLE for anything less than what YOU want and what YOU need to be happy. Do not attempt to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be what some guy wants, you need to be true to yourself. YOU are the prize my dear, not the other way around.

[Redabc123]

I yi yi! You sound just like me I'm glad I'm not the only one in this boat. I did ask if had dated anyone after we began dating and he said no but he still has his match profile up which leads me to believe that he is still looking even though he claimed yesterday that doesn't put much effort in it and showed me his profile since we were in descion about it. I guess the big thing is I have to figure out if he is worth dating. He has so many qualities that I like but I don't want to waste my time. In your experience have you just waited to see what will happen? He knows what I'm looking for and the certain things I won't do if were not dating ie sex but we still keep hanging out... Does the mean he is ok with not sleeping with me? Wouldn't he want to? This is supposed to be fun that's all I have to keep telling myself lol

[Katrinagirl]

Re bold, I can see the guy is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't! LOL It sounds like you appreciate that he respects your boundaries (re not having sex with you until you have mutually agreed to have an exclusive RL) while at the same time you want him to express his desire to have sex with you? Even though he already knows you will probably turn him down? Do I have that right?

 

If it were me, I would talk to him about his link removed profile. Tell him you have taken yours down. If he asks why tell him it’s because, while it’s too soon to commit, you are not interested in dating anyone else at this point in time. Don’t make it this heavy conversation, make it light.

 

Wait for his response. If he does not respond, ask him why, if he’s not dating anyone else, does he have his link removed profile still up. You need to be a bit assertive here, again it’s your life and your heart, and you DO NOT want to get involved (and eventually sexually involved) with a guy who is “keeping his options open” as they say. When a guy does that, he is NOT that into you. Trust me on that.

 

And you ONLY should want to date men who ARE into you. Like I said in my previous post, if you push him away by asking those questions, then good riddance.

 

Dating is hard, and finding that one right person for us is even harder. You WILL have to kiss many frogs to find your prince..lol…but trust me it’s worth it when you do! No more wondering…. will he call, should I call, does he like me, is he dating anyone else, blah blah. Forget that, I am so over that!!

 

When I start to feel that type of uncertainty about a guy, I know that’s my cue to LEAVE. He’s not for me.

 

Know what you want, be true to yourself, be strong and choose WISELY!

[Batya33]

I would not talk to him about being exclusive with you (as opposed to whether he is in general looking for a serious relationship) until you've been dating at least three months regularly (and I would not have sex without being exclusive). Assume he is dating or trying to date others which is completely understandable.

[Katrinagirl]

I would not talk to him about being exclusive with you (as opposed to whether he is in general looking for a serious relationship) until you've been dating at least three months regularly (and I would not have sex without being exclusive). Assume he is dating or trying to date others which is completely understandable.

 

Actually I disagree. When a man whose goal is entering into a long term relationship with a woman, and he meets a woman he REALLY likes and is REALLY into, he will NOT have the desire to either pursue or date several other women while dating her. He will wish to only focus on her and if that’s not been your experience then so be it, and I am sorry but he was not that into you.

 

That’s not to say that he didn’t develop feelings for you later on (three months down the road), but that’s a big gamble and most of the time, the guy will not end up committing to an exclusive RL and the women is left heart broken.

 

I have had three long term relationships and one marriage and every single time, when I met my boyfriends (and husband), after ONE date, we dated only each other. That doesn’t mean we had this big heavy exclusive RL right off the bat, but we REALLY liked each other, were attracted to each other, and had NO desire to pursue or date others. THAT is how people behave when they meet someone they are really into AND their goal is a LTR.

 

A man (or woman) who has a desire to juggle several different people simultaneously is obviously unsure about his feelings for ANY of the women he’s dating, and in that case, a woman should move on, unless she’s only looking to have some “fun” and something casual.

 

Trust me, there are LOTS of men who not only date “one at a time,” but if they found out the woman is dating other men, that would NOT be acceptable to him, and he will stop dating her.

 

Women should do the same.

[SoulTaker]

Katrina, that would call for another separate topic thread (we don't want to hijack this one). Each person has their own way of going about it. What you listed can be totally different for someone else.

 

There are a number of factors (what are you trying to achieve "casual, LTR,..." , safety precautions, type of outings (who pays the bill), dealing with liers who are not who they claim to be, red flags, must haves, dating one person at a time (or multiple), when to become exclusive,... It goes on and on.

 

Each area would make a good topic. I haven't met a person yet who said that they didn't have good "common sense", but mistakes are still made. It's one thing to have intuition, it's another thing to trust it (emotions can disable it). You can learn a lot just by reading the ENA threads, and how people respond.

[Batya33]

Actually I disagree. When a man whose goal is entering into a long term relationship with a woman, and he meets a woman he REALLY likes and is REALLY into, he will NOT have the desire to either pursue or date several other women while dating her. He will wish to only focus on her and if that’s not been your experience then so be it, and I am sorry but he was not that into you.

 

.

 

That's ok. We've had different experiences. Most of the men I've been seriously involved with asked me to be exclusive within the first month or so but as the woman I would not ask that early. I think it's very foolish not to continue meeting and dating other people because then you're putting all your eggs in one basket and especially if you're looking for marriage it can be a huge waste of time to focus exclusively on someone you barely know and forego opportunities to meet and date others.

 

In my experience asking the man to be exclusive because he has not yet asked typically doesn't develop into a long term relationship. That is why I told her to wait until at least 3 months -if he hasn't asked by then then he probably is not interested but she can then tell him what her intentions are.

 

We just define "really into" differently -I think two people can be really into each other after one date and still know that making a commitment after one date is probably not the best idea especially if you're looking to marry. Fortunately I followed my own advice -otherwise I would not be married now because I would have decided to be exclusive with another guy early on who made a great first and second impression based on your theory. Fortunately I knew I should wait and get to know him better. Meanwhile I ended up reconnecting with the man I ended up marrying and ended up learning that the third and fourth impression revealed potential dealbreakers.

[SoulTaker]

Trust me, there are LOTS of men who not only date “one at a time,” but if they found out the woman is dating other men, that would NOT be acceptable to him, and he will stop dating her. Women should do the same.

 

This isn't a "one size fits all" proposition. There are also lots of men (I'm one of them) who are not afraid of competition. We're talking about dating others, not sleeping with others. If these men you described don't want to compete against other men, then that's their problem.

 

Tell us WHY these men force exclusivity onto the women they date? Why do these men seek to control the situation by trying to force women to date like they date?

[Batya33]

I agree that dating and having sex are two different things. I would not have had sex with a man unless we were exclusive and committed.

[Redabc123]

Katrinagirl thank you for your response, I guess what I mean is that I will only be open to sleeping with him if we are committed to each other ( dating exclusively or in a relationship) but since he knows this and claims to like me, wouldn't he want to make the commitment? wouldn't he want to experience all the perks of dating me?, my guess is that he isn't because he is still open to dating other people. Which deep down I'm not ok with even though its only been a month. If we keep hanging out more, knowing me, I will start to get a little attached which makes me open emotionally. My match profile is no use since I didn't renew my subscription and I wasn't even aware he was still on it until he told me. Im into him, he has a lot of great qualities I look for in a partner. I feel like the ball is in his court. I guess if we hangout again I can ask if he even wants to date other people. We have fun together and I don't want this to be heavy so do you have any advice on how to ask lightly?

[Redabc123]

I would not talk to him about being exclusive with you (as opposed to whether he is in general looking for a serious relationship) until you've been dating at least three months regularly (and I would not have sex without being exclusive). Assume he is dating or trying to date others which is completely understandable.

 

Did you date a lot of men at one time? what happens if you liked someone more than the other?