Was I too cautious? Or am I being parinod?

[Batya33]

Did you date a lot of men at one time? what happens if you liked someone more than the other?

 

Yes. I would go on dates, meet new people, go out to meet new people. I did not have sex with any of them. My goal was marriage and family and given how much harder it became to meet someone in my 30s there was no way I was going to forego the opportunity to meet someone new just because I had met someone I liked - I gave myself time to get to know the person before putting all my eggs in one basket. If I liked one more than the other I tried to see that person more often/talk more often. I stopped dating other people once we decided to be exclusive. With my serious relationships that was within a month or two.

[Katrinagirl]

This isn't a "one size fits all" proposition. There are also lots of men (I'm one of them) who are not afraid of competition. We're talking about dating others, not sleeping with others. If these men you described don't want to compete against other men, then that's their problem.

 

Tell us WHY these men force exclusivity onto the women they date? Why do these men seek to control the situation by trying to force women to date like they date?

 

Hi SoulTaker, other than your last sentence which I am not quite understanding (never said a man "forces" woman into exclusivity, neither are they "controlling" -- the couple just 'clicks' so the decision to date only each other to see where it will lead is MUTUAL) your post makes sense. Except the way I look at it is.... once a man (or women) hits 30, one would assume he/she has done enough 'dating around,' or 'exploring the market' (so to speak)... so that when he/she 'does' meet that one person they "really" click with, there's no need to pursue or date other because they've already 'been there done that,' so there is no point. He/she knows what they want (after dating many women in their 20s), so that, again, when they meet that one special person they totally click with and see potential with, they want to focus only on that person to see where it will lead.

 

Again, I am talking about people whose goal is a long term committed relationship. If a man (or woman) is only interested in dating casually (like many men in their 20s and even into their 30s or 40s), then I think dating many women (or men) simultaneously makes perfect sense.

 

I guess for me, I don't understand how a couple could get real clarity of their respective feelings for each other, when there are other people tossed into the equation (i.e. dating others after meeting someone they're completely attracted to and totally click with).

 

Does not make sense to me, but you're right to each his own.

 

By way of history, I used to be a member of a men's relationship forum geared towards men even though women were “allowed” (lol) to join also. And many of those men on that message board had the same attitude I speak about. That they prefer to date “one at a time” to see where it will lead. They could date a woman for one week, one month or forever, but with every date he gets more clarity about his feelings.

 

These same men have said that they have no desire to pursue or date others after meeting that one special women he really clicks with. I am talking about men in their 30s and 40s. They have said they’ve done enough ‘dating around’ in their 20s, so that when they meet that special women, they just “know.”

 

That’s been my experience also with the men I have gotten involved with. 'One at a time' until you realize you wish to get serious with that women, OR you realize she’s not the one for you after all.

 

But again you’re correct, everyone has a different way of going about it I suppose. And to each his own.

 

Bayta, thank you for disagreeing with me in a respectful manner!  I really appreciate that. And I am happy to hear you have found your “one special person.” So did I but unfortunately he passed, so after a year of being single I am on the market again. Ugh!!

 

Wish me luck!

[Batya33]

I know many people including myself who believed on the first date they "just knew" and then a few months later when they really knew the person they knew they didn't know (because the "just know" was based on very little information). Once I was in my 30s and my clock was ticking loudly I knew I couldn't afford to waste a few months on "just know" and forego other opportunities. When I reconnected with my husband we became exclusive very quickly because we had dated in the past and our purpose in dating again was to see if we should marry.

 

Katrinagirl I am sorry about your ex!

[Katrinagirl]

Red, I dunno, if it were me I would stop dating him. You've been dating him a month, and heck if he STILL doesn't know how he feels about you after spending time with you for one month, then (as they say on a message board I used to be a member of) LAUNCH! Dating a man who is ambivalent about you can be very hurtful. I wouldn't do it, but that's just me. I don't waste my time with men who are ambivalent about me, and want to keep their options open. Before I got married, and in between my long term relationships, I did that, and it never worked. Which was okay, because truth be told I wasn’t that into them either. But it’s just not for me anymore. I KNOW what I want, and I want a man who KNOWS what he wants to.

 

Again, if he’s over 30 and has been dating you a month, and still has his profile up, it means he’s still looking. I ask you, IF he were really into you, why would he be doing that? Makes no sense.

 

You are not on the same page with this guy Red. As I said before, you need to be true to YOURSELF. It sounds like you do know what you want, and you want a man who jives with you in that regard. They’re out there sweetie.

 

Kiss this frog goodbye and keep looking! Good luck!

[Katrinagirl]

I know many people including myself who believed on the first date they "just knew" and then a few months later when they really knew the person they knew they didn't know (because the "just know" was based on very little information). Once I was in my 30s and my clock was ticking loudly I knew I couldn't afford to waste a few months on "just know" and forego other opportunities. When I reconnected with my husband we became exclusive very quickly because we had dated in the past and our purpose in dating again was to see if we should marry.

 

Katrinagirl I am sorry about your ex!

 

Thank you Batya! You're very sweet, and I am glad everything worked out for you!

 

Stay happy!

[Katrinagirl]

I know many people including myself who believed on the first date they "just knew" and then a few months later when they really knew the person they knew they didn't know (because the "just know" was based on very little information). Once I was in my 30s and my clock was ticking loudly I knew I couldn't afford to waste a few months on "just know" and forego other opportunities. When I reconnected with my husband we became exclusive very quickly because we had dated in the past and our purpose in dating again was to see if we should marry.

 

Katrinagirl I am sorry about your ex!

 

Batya, re the bolded, I am not talking about “knowing” right away that this is the person you are going to marry or even that this is the person you are going to have a long term RL with. It would be literally impossible for anyone to know that within the first few dates.

 

What I am talking about is “just knowing” that you really “click” with this person, that this person has a lot of potential, and you want to explore that without confusing the situation by continuing to date other people, and possibly developing feelings for another person while you're trying to decide if this very special person you have just met and totally click with, works out.

 

If, after a few months (or weeks), you realize he/she isn’t who you thought they were, then you stop seeing them and continue your search.

 

That's all, and just my opinion.

[Batya33]

For me it was not confusing and I would have been foregoing opportunities every day to meet other men who might be better for the long term. When I reconnected with my husband I had been seeing someone else for the last 2 weeks. My husband and I had 3 platonic dates before getting back together but even if they hadn't been that would have been fine. If I had already been exclusive with the other guy I probably would not have allowed myself to be open to the possibility and I would not have gone on the platonic dates because I would have been logistically occupied with the other guy.

 

I didn't label someone as "very special" as far as putting all my eggs in one basket based on only a few dates. If I felt that strongly I simply told myself that within a month or two I would know more about the person and whether it was worth it to forego all the other opportunities. In my 30s I got set up with people less than in my 20s, I worked extremely long and unpredictable hours and in my precious free time I devoted most of my energy to meeting as many eligible guys (or women who could introduce me to eligible guys) as possible - I wasn't going to throw that all away for a stranger I was infatuated with.

[Katrinagirl]

Okay I do see your point! Now that I am back dating again, perhaps I will have to re-think the way did things previously, because what you wrote does make sense!

 

That said though, when I meet a man I'm so very into, have strong chemistry with, and am attracted to (and it's mutual which I can ascertain VERY quickly just by the way he's acting AND interacting with me), which to be honest is VERY rare, it's very difficult to even want to go out with other guys!! Because all I am thinking about is the FIRST guy!

 

But I am flexible, so I will try it, and see how it plays out. Thanks!

[Redabc123]

Yes. I would go on dates, meet new people, go out to meet new people. I did not have sex with any of them. My goal was marriage and family and given how much harder it became to meet someone in my 30s there was no way I was going to forego the opportunity to meet someone new just because I had met someone I liked - I gave myself time to get to know the person before putting all my eggs in one basket. If I liked one more than the other I tried to see that person more often/talk more often. I stopped dating other people once we decided to be exclusive. With my serious relationships that was within a month or two.

 

See I know I should be doing that, do you think its to late to start since I have developed feelings for this person? Like I said there are some flags but there are also a lot of positives. Also since the last date was initiated and planned by me do you think I should back up and let him proceed if he is interested. I think by now he knows I'm interested, but now that its been a little over a month shouldn't I allow him to pursue?

[Redabc123]

Katrina girl thank you again for your response, He is 31 so I figured at this point he should know by now if Im someone he wants to date. Apart of me says I should get myself deeper in this. I like the time we spend together, so if I were to step back and allow him to pursue should I? He knows that I am interested, but as this point shouldn't it be beyond interest. I have a tiny bit of hope but I'm sure if thats just because i like him

[Katrinagirl]

Katrina girl thank you again for your response, He is 31 so I figured at this point he should know by now if Im someone he wants to date. Apart of me says I should get myself deeper in this. I like the time we spend together, so if I were to step back and allow him to pursue should I? He knows that I am interested, but as this point shouldn't it be beyond interest. I have a tiny bit of hope but I'm sure if thats just because i like him

 

Red, if you inclined to keeping "dating" him (and I use that word loosely here), then pull back. Stop initiating and let him pursue you....

[SoulTaker]

Hi SoulTaker, other than your last sentence which I am not quite understanding (never said a man "forces" woman into exclusivity, neither are they "controlling" -- the couple just 'clicks' so the decision to date only each other to see where it will lead is MUTUAL) your post makes sense. Except the way I look at it is.... once a man (or women) hits 30, one would assume he/she has done enough 'dating around,' or 'exploring the market' (so to speak)...

 

Hello Katrinagirl, here was your update:

 

"Trust me, there are LOTS of men who not only date “one at a time,” but if they found out the woman is dating other men, that would NOT be acceptable to him, and he will stop dating her.

Women should do the same."

 

To me, it means that when the man finds out that the woman is receptacle to dating others (it's really none of his business if she is, or isn't), he will tell her that he is finished with her, unless she dates only one at a time. He is forcing (controlling) the situation. Either she dates the way he dates, or she's history. Also, the comment that "women should do the same" came accross as though you are telling women how they should date. Nobody should tell anyone how they should date. "Give advice, yes", "tell, no".

 

I also wasn't sure whether you were trying to be sarcastic when you inquired about my comment on the "art of dating". That update was for the OP only, it was not intended for other posters. I didn't want to hear how other posters dated, only the OP. There was no need for you to comment on it. I'm aware of the men's forums (I'm on one of them).

 

We need to drop this issue. We are hijacking the OP's thread. It's not fair to her. Let's direct our comments to her, and not each other.

[Batya33]

No one should pursue or chase. Each of you should plan dates. I think it's fine to date others even if you have feelings for him as long as you're not yet exclusive. You don't have to but then you have to accept that you're foregoing opportunities to meet other people. All I know is that from my late 20s-mid-30s boy did time fly .

[Katrinagirl]

No one should pursue or chase. Each of you should plan dates. I think it's fine to date others even if you have feelings for him as long as you're not yet exclusive. You don't have to but then you have to accept that you're foregoing opportunities to meet other people. All I know is that from my late 20s-mid-30s boy did time fly .

 

I agree, however in THIS case, since the OP has been the one initiating and planned the last "date," just my opinion but he needs to step up to the plate now and SHOW her (through his actions) that he cares too.

 

But in a normal dating relationship where things are going smoothly between a couple, sure certainly both people should pursue each other (i.e. both plan dates, both text and call, etc.)

[Batya33]

I agree, however in THIS case, since the OP has been the one initiating and planned the last "date," just my opinion but he needs to step up to the plate now and SHOW her (through his actions) that he cares too.

 

But in a normal dating relationship where things are going smoothly between a couple, sure certainly both people should pursue each other (i.e. both plan dates, both text and call, etc.)

 

Absolutely. That has nothing to do with exclusivity -if he plans a date it shows he wants to go on a date with her but says nothing much about long term potential.

 

I don't like the term "pursue" for planning dates and calling. No aggressive actions needed. That's simply called "dating".

[Katrinagirl]

Absolutely. That has nothing to do with exclusivity -if he plans a date it shows he wants to go on a date with her but says nothing much about long term potential.

 

I don't like the term "pursue" for planning dates and calling. No aggressive actions needed. That's simply called "dating".

 

I don’t think pursuing is an aggressive action at all. “Chasing” is an aggressive action, but that’s different from pursuing because chasing implies one person is running away from the RL and the other person (usually the man) is ‘chasing’ them.

 

To me ‘pursuing’ implies just dating each other (as you said), meaning BOTH people calling each other, BOTH people planning dates, it’s a mutual experience, not one person doing most or all of the work or needing to chase the reluctant partner in an attempt to 'catch' them and have a RL with them.

 

Just thought I would clarify; obviously you are free to disagree… 

[Redabc123]

Absolutely. That has nothing to do with exclusivity -if he plans a date it shows he wants to go on a date with her but says nothing much about long term potential.

 

I don't like the term "pursue" for planning dates and calling. No aggressive actions needed. That's simply called "dating".

 

Thank you all for the replies, I had to be honest with myself and I like him, he has been pursue me or asking me out initiating contact and I have maybe done either once or twice. I felt like maybe I should ask him out one more time and get to know him. I'm nervously taking that risk. I texted him asking what he was doing this weekend I didnt get a reply so I'm on pins and needles since the last time I asked someone out that I was seeing it pushed him away. Wish me luck if we do go out I plan on asking relevant questions to at least see what happening and of this worth pursuing. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

[Katrinagirl]

Thank you all for the replies, I had to be honest with myself and I like him, he has been pursue me or asking me out initiating contact and I have maybe done either once or twice. I felt like maybe I should ask him out one more time and get to know him. I'm nervously taking that risk. I texted him asking what he was doing this weekend I didnt get a reply so I'm on pins and needles since the last time I asked someone out that I was seeing it pushed him away. Wish me luck if we do go out I plan on asking relevant questions to at least see what happening and of this worth pursuing. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

 

Good for you, for taking charge of the situation and taking the initiative. It's not how I would have handled it, but that's okay. We all do things our own way and whatever we are comfortable with.

 

However, I would like to point something out to you. You said above that the last time you asked a man out, you pushed him away.

 

Sweetie, I doubt you asking him out is what pushed him away. He probably just wasn't that interested in you to begin with (sorry...

 

When a man is interested, he will be thrilled you took the initiative and asked to get together. And in most cases, unless he’s busy in a meeting or someplace where he cannot text you back, he will text you back soon thereafter letting you know he’d love to see you too (or words to that effect).

 

You seem to think you are doing all these things that push men away, but I don’t think that is the case. I have four brothers and heck, when they’re really into a woman, she can do almost NO WRONG. At least in those early stages of dating (as you are with this guy).

 

As I said in a previous post, I think you just haven’t met the right guy for you. The right guy will NOT get scared off by questions nor will they get scared off when you take the initiative and plan a date.

 

In this case, you took the initiative which is fine. I hope he gets back to you soon with his answer, but if he does not, don’t think your asking him out pushed him away. He just wasn’t that into you to begin with, or if he was, somewhere along the way, he lost interest. Or he met someone else he likes better. That's just how dating is. Sometimes it's just not pretty and someone gets hurt.

 

If that's the case here (and I'm NOT saying it is), just pick yourself up, tell yourself he wasn’t the right guy for you, and continue to search. With every new experience (good and bad), we learn and grow from having had the experience.

 

Keep up posted and good luck!

[missmarple]

I hope he gets back to you soon with his answer, but if he does not, don’t think your asking him out pushed him away. He just wasn’t that into you to begin with, or if he was, somewhere along the way, he lost interest. Or he met someone else he likes better. That's just how dating is.

 

I agree. If he's into you, he's into you and if he's not, he's not. Nothing to do with you asking him out. At least, if he doesn't reply, you'll know and you won't waste any more time on him.

[Redabc123]

Thank you so much for all your advice and wishes, I hope things workout for the best, I'm just trying to follow my gut. I will keep you updated. Fingers crossed!

[Redabc123]

I agree. If he's into you, he's into you and if he's not, he's not. Nothing to do with you asking him out. At least, if he doesn't reply, you'll know and you won't waste any more time on him.

 

That's what I was thinking, I woke up with it heavy on my mind and just did what my guy told me to, I'm hoping it works out but if not at least I know. Thanks for all the advice

[Batya33]

Thank you all for the replies, I had to be honest with myself and I like him, he has been pursue me or asking me out initiating contact and I have maybe done either once or twice. I felt like maybe I should ask him out one more time and get to know him. I'm nervously taking that risk. I texted him asking what he was doing this weekend I didnt get a reply so I'm on pins and needles since the last time I asked someone out that I was seeing it pushed him away. Wish me luck if we do go out I plan on asking relevant questions to at least see what happening and of this worth pursuing. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

 

If you want to ask someone out then you call that person and ask for a specific day and time. I understand that many people interpret "what are you doing this weekend" as a prelude to asking the person out but in your case it's far too indirect, especially by text. Either do it or don't but I would avoid this middle ground because it will just get you needlessly upset if you don't hear from him.

 

(reminds me of a scene from a 1980s movie -Matt Dillon plays a teenager who calls accross a crowded diner to his female classmate "hey, do you want to go to a movie Saturday night?" "yes!!" she replies "ok, well have a good time!".

[catfeeder]

[...] You seem to think you are doing all these things that push men away, but I don’t think that is the case. I have four brothers and heck, when they’re really into a woman, she can do almost NO WRONG. At least in those early stages of dating (as you are with this guy).

 

I agree wholeheartedly. Dating isn't some tightrope game where one wrong step lands you dumped.

 

If he doesn't get back to you, it doesn't necessarily even mean he's shutting you down. This is a Friday--lots of people are plowing through work to get out and start their weekend.

 

I don't always respond on a Friday when someone that I cannot see this weekend is invested in my answer to "What are you doing this weekend?" I may not feel up to accounting for my time.

 

It's much easier to answer, "Are you free at all this weekend?" Then I can just respond, "Not good for me, but how about Tuesday?" ...or something simple like that.

 

My point is not that your question is wrong--again, this is no tightrope walk. I'm only pointing out that a non-response on a Friday isn't meaningful, and you shouldn't interpret it badly.

 

Head high, you're doing great!

[Redabc123]

Thank you for your post he did respond and said that he was was booked this weekend, going to different cities in our state, not sure what for.

 

I responded by wishing him a safe and fun trip. He responsed by saying he would and that he would tell me about it next week , which didn't make sense to me.

 

I haven't heard from him since, I have a feeling deep down that he isn't that interested but I'm happy I that didn't do anything stupid ( I have a habit of over texting). I tried to think what else I could have done different and I couldn't think of anything. The only thing that I'm a little upset about is that I wasted my time ...again I mean for a whole month things seemed great but I guess that's just the risk with dating

[Batya33]

I don't think you wasted a month. It sounds like you learned from it, right? As far as "habit" of texting I'd stop describing it to yourself as a habit. Remind yourself that you choose to text as much as you do -that way you'll hold yourself more accountable and that likely will prevent you from making choices that don't work for you.

 

You probably did nothing wrong - many people after a short time dating realize they are not compatible for the long term or simply not compatible to continue dating. That frees up both people to meet others (although I rarely focused on just one person after that short a period of time).

 

Dating is really hard at times. If your goal is long term relationship/marriage, I think it's worth it - and that sounds like what your ultimate goal is.