Redabc123 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 I don't think you wasted a month. It sounds like you learned from it, right? As far as "habit" of texting I'd stop describing it to yourself as a habit. Remind yourself that you choose to text as much as you do -that way you'll hold yourself more accountable and that likely will prevent you from making choices that don't work for you. You probably did nothing wrong - many people after a short time dating realize they are not compatible for the long term or simply not compatible to continue dating. That frees up both people to meet others (although I rarely focused on just one person after that short a period of time). Dating is really hard at times. If your goal is long term relationship/marriage, I think it's worth it - and that sounds like what your ultimate goal is. Thank you Batya, I did hear from him yesterday afternoon just a quick text to ask how my weekend was, I responded but was very short. I still have a feeling he isn't as interested as I hoped but since I heard from yesterday ( surprisingly) am I wrong? I mean if he isn't asking me out or planning on seeing me, Its safe to say he isn't interested? I guess I became so focused on him because I like him but I alway have that "what if" playing in back of my mind... Link to comment
Katrinagirl Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I don't think you wasted a month. It sounds like you learned from it, right? As far as "habit" of texting I'd stop describing it to yourself as a habit. Remind yourself that you choose to text as much as you do -that way you'll hold yourself more accountable and that likely will prevent you from making choices that don't work for you. You probably did nothing wrong - many people after a short time dating realize they are not compatible for the long term or simply not compatible to continue dating. That frees up both people to meet others (although I rarely focused on just one person after that short a period of time). Dating is really hard at times. If your goal is long term relationship/marriage, I think it's worth it - and that sounds like what your ultimate goal is. Batya, you and I think so much alike!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I would assume that if he is not asking you out on a date then he is not interested in going on a date with you right now. It's that simple. He could change his mind but in the meanwhile you live your life, he should be off your radar, you should limit texting to making or confirming plans, and if he asks you out in the future and you are interested and available you can consider it then. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 I would assume that if he is not asking you out on a date then he is not interested in going on a date with you right now. It's that simple. He could change his mind but in the meanwhile you live your life, he should be off your radar, you should limit texting to making or confirming plans, and if he asks you out in the future and you are interested and available you can consider it then. Thanks! yeah that is what I figured. I don't plan on making or initiating any texts or phone calls. I have shown him that Im interested. Thank you for all the advice Link to comment
Katrinagirl Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Thank you Batya, I did hear from him yesterday afternoon just a quick text to ask how my weekend was, I responded but was very short. I still have a feeling he isn't as interested as I hoped but since I heard from yesterday ( surprisingly) am I wrong? I mean if he isn't asking me out or planning on seeing me, Its safe to say he isn't interested? I guess I became so focused on him because I like him but I alway have that "what if" playing in back of my mind... Redabc, I'm sorry to have to say this but if a man isn't asking you out, he's not that interested. Sometimes we just need to follow our intuition, that little voice inside that tells us something just isn't right. You've mentioned several times you get the "feeling" he isn't that interested. That's your little voice trying to tell you it's just not right. Many women, including myself when I was a bit younger, tried to justify why a man wasn't behaving like a man all that interested in me. Every little text, or every time he said something even remotely nice or flattering, I would blow it way out of proportion in my mind in an attempt to convince myself that he was into me. Interested people act interested. This man is not, otherwise he would make an effort to spend some time with you. If it were me, I would stop analyzing HIS behavior and begin to analyze MY own behavior to figure out why I wish to continue on with a man who is clearly just not all that interested in me. In my opinion you should go no contact, and continue your search. Lesson learned for next time. Follow your gut and stop analyzing men's behavior and why they do this or that, or the other thing. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that he's not asking you out or making any attempts to spend time with you. Take better care of yourself emotionally, and choose wiser. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Thanks for the advice, He had been asking me out every week including last week when we planned our date together. Although I don't know why he decided to travel this weekend, the point was that he never made any attempt to ask if I wanted to go or hang out when he returned. So I feel like my approach was wise since he had asked me out consistently, I felt like we should have been progressing in some direction. Like I said my intuition is telling me he dating other woman which I'm not ok with since we have been seeing each other constantly. I liked him because he made me feel great, made me laugh, was romantic and we had a great time together. So I know the reason why Im interested, I just don't know why he doesn't want to progress things. But I don't have time to worry about it anymore if we aren't meant to be then so be it. I have done my part. And I don't plan on contacting him, if he wants to hang out he knows where to find me. Thanks for advice Link to comment
missmarple Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Like I said my intuition is telling me he dating other woman which I'm not ok with since we have been seeing each other constantly. Does he know that? I mean have you talked about dating exclusively or something along those lines? Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Does he know that? I mean have you talked about dating exclusively or something along those lines? No, I haven't. I thought it might be too soon. I guess I kind wanted him to tell me that he wanted to since he knows thats what I'm looking for, to be in a relationship Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 It's not about intuition - way too much effort in this situation. It's far simpler - if he's not asking you out on another date it's because at that point he is not interested in dating you. Each date is your last date -in a realistic, not cynical way - unless there is another date planned, time and place or unless you two are exclusive and it's understood you're going to see each other at least once or twice a week. As far as him dating other women -he might have been or he might have been attempting to and in my opinion there's nothing wrong with that at all -that's completely appropriate and you both should be keeping options open if you're not yet exclusive. It's good that he knew your long term goals but that doesn't make it your business what he does when he's not with you unless you're exclusive (and then it's only your business if he is dating other people). Why he doesn't want to ask you out again -could be a million reasons or no reason at all -he dated you a short time so I doubt it's anything really personal or anything you need to change for the future. I'm glad you're not going to contact him. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Thanks! I really need encouragement now, rejection isn't any better no matter how much it happens, going on day 5 that I haven't heard from him. I wish I didn't get used to hearing from him everyday. Any uplifting words of encouragement, I have been feeling so down and can't seem to shake this feeling. He could have a least told me he didn't want to date me anymore Link to comment
Katrinagirl Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Thanks! I really need encouragement now, rejection isn't any better no matter how much it happens, going on day 5 that I haven't heard from him. I wish I didn't get used to hearing from him everyday. Any uplifting words of encouragement, I have been feeling so down and can't seem to shake this feeling. He could have a least told me he didn't want to date me anymore Going on day 5? On July 21st you posted this: Thanks! yeah that is what I figured. I don't plan on making or initiating any texts or phone calls. I have shown him that Im interested. Thank you for all the advice Did he make contact you with you (or did you make contact with him) after that post (which you posted on July 21st)? Because July 21st was 7 days ago. I remember your saying you heard from him that day, but he did not ask you out. Was THAT the last time you heard from him? Anyway, words of encouragement. Hold your head high and be proud that you're not falling to pieces over this or emailing/texting/calling like some psycho chick. It's not that big of a deal. You didn't date him that long. Link to comment
Katrinagirl Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Going on day 5? On July 21st you posted this: Did he make contact you with you (or did you make contact with him) after that post (which you posted on July 21st)? Because July 21st was 7 days ago. I remember your saying you heard from him that day, but he did not ask you out. Was THAT the last time you heard from him? Anyway, words of encouragement. Hold your head high and be proud that you're not falling to pieces over this or emailing/texting/calling like some psycho chick. It's not that big of a deal. You didn't date him that long. ETA: and yes while it would have been nice if he had told you he didn't want to date you anymore, he chose to pull the fade. That way, IF he changes his mind at a later date and decides to date you again, he still has that option (should YOU allow it - I would not). He probably met someone else and decided to pursue her for awhile. If it doesn't work out, he MAY contact you again. That's why men and women pull the fade instead of telling straight out they don't want to date you anymore. To keep you on the backburner for later, should they change their minds and want to date you again. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Going on day 5? On July 21st you posted this: Did he make contact you with you (or did you make contact with him) after that post (which you posted on July 21st)? Because July 21st was 7 days ago. I remember your saying you heard from him that day, but he did not ask you out. Was THAT the last time you heard from him? Anyway, words of encouragement. Hold your head high and be proud that you're not falling to pieces over this or emailing/texting/calling like some psycho chick. It's not that big of a deal. You didn't date him that long. I contacted him last wednesday only because he had a beach chair that belonged to a friend that I borrowed but left at his house and needed it back because she was going away for the weekend. but before then I hadn't heard from him since Monday. We had a short convo, he asked me how I was doing and he said that he had been working 14 hour days and been really busy, but I know that he has worked like that before and always found time to at least text me or arrange a date for another time. Anyway that was the last time we spoke and since I have met him there hasn't been a day that we didn't speak even if it were brief . Its been since Wednesday that I heard anything, I haven't contacted him since because he stopped texting mid convo . and he hasn't contacted me. It just sucks like I said because I don't know what happened? He probably did meet someone which makes me feel worse Link to comment
Katrinagirl Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I'm sorry I know it hurts, and it never gets easier no matter how hard we try. I don't know if he met someone else, I am just assuming he did because so often that is the case. If I had to take a guess, I think you will hear from him down the road. At that point, it will be up to you whether or not you want to go. Given the way he has disappeared on you this time, with no explanation, if it were me, I WOULD NOT go out with him again, even if he did contact me later down the road. Disappearing on you the way he did was just rude and inconsiderate. I wouldn't even bother being upset about it, I would be THANKFUL I found this out earlier rather than later. Continue going no contact and if he contacts you down the road IGNORE HIM. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Thank you, I feel a little better knowing I'm doing the right thing by no contacting him. Is it normal to feel that I want to be the one that comes " on top" in this situation and not to be one that looked silly? I mean by me not contacting him for this amount of time is huge for me because in the past I would have been asking what I did wrong. Link to comment
professorplum Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 If Katrinagirl is right about keeping you on the back burner (and she may well be) then perhaps you will still get your opportunity to come out on top by expressing indifference/ ignoring him. He has messed up his chances with you for whatever reason. I feel you have retained your dignity throughout and although your self esteem may have taken a knock, try not to think about him any more. Ultimately, it does not matter if you come out on top as you see it. As many people say on here: you are the prize and he clearly didn't recognise that. No big deal - find someone else who does. Fading rather than being explicit seems to be quite common and you need to appreciate that it is not you. In fact, it is quite cowardly but many people find that mode of dealing with the situation easier I think. Link to comment
Katrinagirl Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Thank you, I feel a little better knowing I'm doing the right thing by no contacting him. Is it normal to feel that I want to be the one that comes " on top" in this situation and not to be one that looked silly? I mean by me not contacting him for this amount of time is huge for me because in the past I would have been asking what I did wrong. First of all, nothing you did made you look silly. So get that thought out of your head, right now..., okay? And you were right in not asking him what you did wrong, that just makes you appear weak, and chances are he wouldn't give a straight answer anyway. We all want to feel like we're the ones who come out on top, but you HAVE come out on top because you have now realized he is a douche and you want nothing more to do with him. Note he's not a douche for not being interested in you anymore, he's a douche for the way he's handling it (i.e. disappearing). So you have come out "on top" he just doesn't know it yet. But he WILL know it later down the road when he contacts you again. Which, if you stay no contact, he WILL at some point in time. At that point you ignore him. That's when he will know YOU came out on top in the end, and he's the loser. You just need to exercise some patience and DO NO CONTACT HIM for any reason whatsoever. You disappear from his radar and start dating other men. You will feel better eventually, I promise! Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Thank you so much for responding, this post really made me feel better. Dating doesn't seem to be getting any easier but each person I do date Im gathering tools and knowledge that I didn't have before. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Thank you Katrinagirl, You have been such a shoulder throughout this, I appreciate your advice, and you were right. I guess I just didn't want to believe it and hoped for the best. It sucks now but Im sure I'll get over it. I was so nice to him and never gave him any drama, I'm a little offend that he would even think that I would be worth " putting on the back burner" if that is what he is doing. Dating can suck sometimes but Im hoping it gets better. Link to comment
Katrinagirl Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Thank you Katrinagirl, You have been such a shoulder throughout this, I appreciate your advice, and you were right. I guess I just didn't want to believe it and hoped for the best. It sucks now but Im sure I'll get over it. I was so nice to him and never gave him any drama, I'm a little offend that he would even think that I would be worth " putting on the back burner" if that is what he is doing. Dating can suck sometimes but Im hoping it gets better. You're welcome sweetie, I am glad I was able to help and make you feel better, even a little. Link to comment
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