fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 So, the ups and downs of the relationship, which has now ended, have left me skinny, joyless, and I hate to say, depressed. Im sorry to be posting on here again but just today, while I shared some of how I was feeling with an older sister, she told me I am dwelling on the negative and the only one who change my attitude is me, and that Ive made my bed and have no one to blame but myself. Huummph. I was vulnerable and fell in love with a guy who Bullted a lot. I gave up a lot for him. Yes, my choice! But it still hurts like hell. I made a mistake and texted him today. He could have ignored me, but instead, he chastised me. It ruined the rest of my day and just made me sad and pissed off at the same time. My question is...how do others cope, and go about their day, abd not dump on family, while nursing a broken heart. Maybe I'm just really weak.... Link to comment
JayCho Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 I made a mistake and texted him today. He could have ignored me, but instead, he chastised me. It ruined the rest of my day and just made me sad and pissed off at the same time. Can you elaborate? What did you say? What did he say? Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 All I said was When does this get easier...is there a secret...maybe drinking helps He and I used to joke that maybe I should drink more to relax (he is an alcoholic, I drink one glass of wine or two per month) His answer was......stop....geeez But the fact is he and I still have to have some contact because he owes me 1200.00 - and tomorrow he is supposed to give me first installment. After that text I texted, OK I was kidding around. And remember I need some of that cash tomorrow. After that he send me a long chastising text about what a pain in the ass I am. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 No...i can't help you! I did the same thing. So many people say...turn to family. Well....my sister wrote me a 4 page letter to 'get over it'. She said everyone has breakups...but they move on. Excuse me...but my sister DUMPED everyone she ever dated. And one guy was weeks before their wedding. So yeah...she doesn't KNOW heartache...but maybe her ex did! It's been ONE week since i last saw my guy friend. 3 months ago we started having sex. LONG STORY. Seems like forever. Now he's not responding at all. I guess I'd rather be chastised than ignored....then it would piss me off. But being ignored just makes me sadder. We had seen each other daily. Talked MULTIPLE times a day. Best friends. It's hard to start over....as you saw from my earlier thread! lol I usually just steal peoples...like i just did yours! lol But i am weak too. So very weak. I just wish i was the dumper. Oh yeah...that sucked tonite also...and it was only one meet! lol Time sweeties. time. And it's good when you can get pissed! I never could. I always blamed myself. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 LOL....that wasn't such a bad text! OWN your pain in the ASSNESS!!! Say YEAH...I might be a PAIN IN the ASS...but at least I'm a SOBER pain in the ASS...who doesn't need to borrow money! sheesh. (but learn not to loan it!) I supposedly owed my ex fiance a few thousand. After he dumped me for another rich woman...i told him to have HER pay it off. (We bought a timeshare together!) Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Its OK if you steal my thread lol I just feel obsessed to be honest, I think I text him to relieve my anxiety...but then it brings the pain of rejection back. And coincidentally, I broke up with him, although we were on a train wreck for a long time coming. I wanted him to treat me like he used to, before he pulled the bait and switch. Ugh. Stupid me. Its no easier, hurt is hurt. Time will heal us both. hang in there! Link to comment
JayCho Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Ok so now you've learned something... that texting him will not benefit you AT ALL. You need to go NC. I understand he owes you money but is the money worth re-living the heartbreak? Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 thanks realitynut! I like that - I will own it!! I honest to God think he gets off on rejecting me. And I must get something out of being rejected. I avoid being overly nasty to him because part of me thinks he will ask me to take him back again (n and off for 6 months...5 good months before that). At this point I highly doubt we will get back together. BUT. I know Ive hurt him a lot with things I've said in past...about his drinking etc...so now I think I just miss the connection...and I do want the money back. Being patient. If he doesn't pay up, I have a back up plan. Good for you for getting other rich chick to pay LOL Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 yes JayCho...I hear you...texting him and getting money back are two separate issues. I have to remain patient. Tomorrow I will know if he stuck to his word, or not. fingers crossed. The fact that he has my money makes me feel USED, and that is what pisses me off. Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 he texted me this morning apologizing. which tells me he was drinking when he sent the chastising text last night. At least he still has some humility. Break ups are effing hard, as I'm sure everyone knows.... Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Your sister is smart and brave. She's willing to position herself as bad guy and risk your anger in order to tell you a harsh enough version of the truth to shock you into seeing what you willfully overlook--you're in charge of how you want to approach this important time in your life. You can view this through a lens of strengthening yourself and growing into better relationship material for the future, or you can choose to damage your own psyche and capacity for love going forward. That is entirely your decision. We all get our heart broken, and that doesn't minimize the experience--it amplifies it into a universal rite of passage we all need to suffer. We can grow from it, or we can squelch and victimize ourselves--it's all in how we choose to tackle it. I found it helpful to cut all contact with the ex while I'm healing and devote my time into 3 parts: 1) my private, suffering, healing time, 2) my focused, striving, growing time where I pursue work and new hobbies and interests in a curious way with the goal of growing, and 3) my external gracious, generous and giving time, where I make my interactions with others entirely about them--not me. I found it most helpful to throw myself into number 3 the most, at first, because it bonded me and connected me with others in a simple, stripped down way. Since I didn't have the energy to paste on an entertaining personality, I was relieved to learn that all I ever really need to do is 'show up' for someone else. They will do the rest. I became an excellent listener or helpful participant in others' projects or events or pursuits. All without sucking anyone into my drama--and this taught me a new, simple way to love others by just 'being,' and it got me out of my own way. Number 3 helped me build confidence to approach number 2 with new vision, and I became a better coworker, student and explorer of all things 'me'. I only indulged in number 1 for limited times, and this could include therapy or speaking with others ONLY with a goal of moving myself forward--not trapping myself in misery. Number 1 became less and less necessary as numbers 2 and 3 took over more of my focus. My goal was to surprise everyone, including myself with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from a loss that is a normal stage of living. I hope that this will be your goal, too. Take baby steps, and stop expecting your ex to help you through this--that's not his job, it's your own. Head high. Link to comment
fed up Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 I love your approach - thank you so much for the detailed steps. Intellectually I know what to do...the hard part is getting out of my head. It's not even the loss of him/us...it's the dwelling on the fact that I am 46 years old, left my marriage, and may never found someone again. I am scaring myself with worry. Self-defeatist, I know. In five days I will be surrounded by family I Europe, surrounded by ocean sun and fun...my soul re-awakens every time I go there. My sister and I will go on long walks at the beach - I know she has my best interest at heart Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 I love your approach - thank you so much for the detailed steps. Intellectually I know what to do...the hard part is getting out of my head. It's not even the loss of him/us...it's the dwelling on the fact that I am 46 years old, left my marriage, and may never found someone again. I am scaring myself with worry. Self-defeatist, I know. In five days I will be surrounded by family I Europe, surrounded by ocean sun and fun...my soul re-awakens every time I go there. My sister and I will go on long walks at the beach - I know she has my best interest at heart Good, give your sister the loving and surprising gift of making your time together about enjoying her--not milking her. And yes, you're far too young to prescribe 'nevers' on your future. Consider removing yourself from the hunt, and focus instead on building your core personality without latching onto a relationship. This will teach you a neglected capacity to enjoy life solo, which inadvertently will build you into someone with better judgment about men and an ability to better manage a relationship should you organically find yourself presented such an opportunity. Meanwhile, until you've learned HOW to reach a place where romance is no longer a requisite for happiness and confidence, you'll never possess the solidity from which to operate successfully inside a relationship and will continue to choose partners who make attaining that solid state impossible. So it's all just a wheelspin you can torture yourself with needlessly as you pit yourself against some arbitrary calendar. Skip that. Step outside your own head during your vacation. Make great memories with loved ones and gain enough distance from your current state to adopt a whole new perspective. EnjOy. Link to comment
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