Long story - Advice Appreciated

[JayCho]

Hello everyone, I have been a long time lurker of the site, mainly for tips on what NOT to do in a relationship. Reading other people's success/horror stories here have really helped me come along way and mature. I'm a 32 man, going on 33 so I'm pretty mature and it's helped me a lot.

 

Here's my story and I'll attempt to make it as brief as possible and segment it into paragraphs for easier following.

 

I had been dating the woman of my life for approximately 1.5 years, until last week. I have known her for over a decade and when I first saw her as cheesy as it sounds it was literally love at first sight. She unfortunately had a boyfriend, I pursued anyway, and I lost. It hurt a bit but I moved on. A few years later I tried again and lost again. Now three to four years ago I was coming out of a bad relationship and we were in touch. I told her about my recent breakup and she was receptive. Long story short, we ended up actually being together. It was fantastic, to say the least. I finally had the woman I had been chasing and had been in love with for almost ten years in my arms. The first time she whispered "I love you" I felt as if Jesus himself had descended from heaven and high fived me.

 

After about four months, things went sour. She was dealing with an insane amount of stress, things I couldn't offer solutions to. Her mother was homeless, both of her brothers went to jail for different felonies, her father was told her had months to live, etc. Every time we talked an argument ensued because of the tension. It was mainly due to her distancing herself and me trying to pull her in closer (classic mistake). I would touch her and she would push me away, I would kiss her and she would wipe off her mouth.. all the classic signs that she was just too stressed and needed space. I, unintelligently did the opposite which made me lose her. Eventually, we had the convo she said she needed space and that she wasn't ready for this relationship to continue with everything going so bad... she just couldn't put her effort into it anymore.

 

We split ways, I was devastated, I lost the one woman I promised myself that if I ever actually got the chance I'd never let go, but I had to do EXACTLY that. I felt very lost for a long time. Months passed and I started to move on, women approached but I never was truly ready to start something with someone else so I kept passing. I know it seems ridiculous to only spend four to five months with someone and be so hurt, but this was ten years of love developed for someone that I lost. This was March 2012. Months passed like I stated and she started to reach out again, randomly... saying hi or whatever. I actually ran into her at a bar and immediately felt like someone punched me in the gut, so I left. She texted me asking me if I left because of her and to come back, I didn't respond.

 

Skipping a lot of detail and moving forward, she put on the full court press to get me back. She texted/called asking for a chance. She sent letters, tattooed my name on her foot (I know), sent me cards saying that if I followed the signs and gave her another chance she would never leave my side. Here I am thinking bad/good thoughts again. Do I let her in? Do I ignore her? Eventually I gave in and decided to give her another chance but I put her through HELL. I wanted to make sure she was serious and would put in the effort. I would ignore her, I would tell her to come over we would have sex and I would kick her out and not talk to her for a week or two, I literally was as awful as you could be until I let my guard down. This was February 2013.

 

By March 2013, we were officially together. I let my guard down, I let her in. She was the first to tell me she loved me, she told me she would stop taking birth control that she wanted to start a family together she wanted me to move into her house and live with her, etc. It was all going so well it was hard to believe. The best part was, I was completely in control and I loved it. The first bad thing that happened happened in July 2013. She told me she was pregnant. I didn't know what to say, it had been only 4 months and I was worried she was going to abandon me again and I would be one of those dads that only got to see his kid once every two weeks. I tried to be supportive but everything in me said this was a mistake! I also just found out that my house (which was ruined by hurricane sandy) was going into foreclosure. Side bar: the government organization that helps with funds during storms - I forget the name - refused to help us and I had to pay for a new roof, foundation fixes, etc. I couldn't afford it so I took out a second mortgage which I also couldn't afford.

 

So here I am, she's pregnant and I'm thinking I wont even have a place to live or her if she leaves. So I told her everything, she said she would get an abortion. I told her that that's not what I want but that I don't know what we will do with no support ( we both have no family to help ) and with all of my issues. Eventually, she got the abortion even though I tried to talk her out of it. She completely blamed me and never forgave me for it. I blamed myself as well and told her that we would try again when the time was right.

 

Now I'm going to skip over a lot here and fast forward to present time, but to sum up what has happened over the last year is that she became completely in control and began to build a hate for me. She really never did forgive me for how I handled the situation with the pregnancy and constantly started fights with me. I had moved in to her house in late August 2013 and we lived together. When the fights were really bad I would leave and go back to my house. I wouldn't realize until recently how much damage this was doing, and it was my biggest flaw. Why did I do it? Because I felt like I had to leave before she would leave me!

 

Two weeks ago, we got into a huge fight. She told me that she didn't see a future with me, not a husband, not a father, all she wishes she had done was chosen her baby instead of me and that she wishes she was a single mom forever. I was devastated so I grabbed all of my belongings and left, AGAIN. Not knowing it would be the last time.

 

She reached out asking to talk and I said no I wasn't ready because I was hurt she said that to me, I think my exact words were "why would I want to talk to someone that doesn't see a future with me, nor a husband?" She said she was just drunk and didn't mean it but would like to talk, I asked for space. That was on a Saturday. I finally reached out to her on Friday and she then turned it around and said she needed space. I was perplexed, what could she need space for? What happened from Saturday to Friday? I reached out to her yesterday and she agreed that we could talk.

 

What she told me, was mind blowing and hurt me beyond belief, and that's where I am today. She reiterated that she doesn't see a future with anyone that she wants to be alone for the rest of her life - I asked her if that was because of me and what has happened, she said she didn't know she just knows right now she's mentally sick and is going to see a therapist... something I had been suggesting for months. She also said that when I'm not around she misses me to death, it makes her sick she misses me so much and that she loves me so much and she wants me around but as soon as I'm around she cant stand me anymore. I asked her why she felt that way and she didn't know. She did tell me that a lot of this stems from my constant leaving during fights, when she has moments of weakness or vulnerability that I leave instead of supporting her.. I explained why I do it. I promised I would never leave again unless she kicked me out.

 

She went on saying that she's not sure if it's me that makes her unhappy or if it's just that she is mentally sick. She also said that she doesn't know why she's so mean to me. And she is, the last 6 months our relationship has been awful. There are moments when everything is perfect and the out of nowhere she snaps and just downright hates me. We don't have sex, maybe it's once a month or less. She says she's not into it because of all of the stress.

 

Honestly, things are worse for her right now, she just found out from her gyno that she may have cervical cancer. Her mom is officially homeless, her brother escaped from prison, got caught and is now serving a longer sentence, she is also having a lot of issues at work and may be fired.

 

When I continued to talk to her about things I told her I wouldn't leave I also said that I was going to fight for her, she fought for me and I put her through hell and I acknowledge that but im going to fight for her because I see a future and want to marry her ( I was going to propose this year ). If she can accomplish mental clarity this girl is the perfect person. Anyways, when I said all this she basically said again that she didn't see a future, wasn't sure if she wanted to get married etc. I asked her if this feeling was temporary or if I should move on, she didn't know and she didn't even know what was causing it... she said shes "lost." She then said she doesn't know if the life she lives with me is "enough." When I asked her to clarify she stated she didn't know if the relationship or the life we have together is enough for her, if it's good enough. She has a longing to move away, mainly to LA and she's been telling me for months she won't be happy until she moves and cuts ties with her family and all the bad swirling around. So I asked her if that's what would make it enough? She said she didn't know and doesn't know if its me or not.

 

We ended up leaving the restaurant we were at, she was crying hysterically by this point and I didn't want to push her any further. I told her im willing to fight for her but if she knows its over to let me go. She said she didn't know what to do or what to say and that shes hoping the therapist helps. I told her I fully support her and would go with her, even if not inside I would wait in the car if she wanted it to remain private. She said she would rather go alone. When I was pulling up to herhouse I asked her if I should leave or come in and she told me it would be best to be alone, but she wouldn't exit the car. I offered to walk her to the door, she agreed. I got there and she hugged me like she's never hugged me before, kissed me, and told me she loved me. I offered again to go with her to therapy. She refused.

 

I left. I called my brother and he told me to turn around and go back, that I shouldn't of left - that it was a cry for help and that she needed me there. I told him I couldn't she asked to be alone and I needed to respect that. Just incase I sent her a text saying, I'm here for you, if you want me to come back let me know please, I will. She didn't respond.

 

So that's my story. I'm lost without her, we've been through it all and I want her back more than anything. When I'm in my house I feel like I don't belong there, my home is with her in our house together. I feel like a man who's been divorced and forced to leave his own home. Like my house is a hotel. I don't know what to do at this juncture, but give her space. I know if I give her too much space she'll leave, but I also cannot suffocate her. I appreciate you reading my story and any feedback provided, and apologize for the length.

[mhowe]

It is clear that this is not healthy and supportive relationship. It is a fantasy that in reality does not play well.

Love isn't about power, punishment or games.

 

Give her space --- plenty of it. She needs to get to a healthy place.

[Ms Darcy]

Stress? It's a part of life. It's been a part of her life since you have known her. Mentally sick? Maybe she has some issues, but that doesn't mean she can't fall in love or be in love.

 

To me, the answer is painfully obvious. She's not that into you and never has been. The only times she really wants you is when you aren't there (left during a fight, broken up, when you put her through "hell" in getting back together.) But once she has you then it's "face reality" time and there is no other distraction. She probably thinks you are a great, supportive guy but she's not that attracted to you. Hence the snapping and lack of sex. Add the pregnancy bitterness and I don't think this can be repaired.

 

There was never a solid foundation to begin with.

[JayCho]

I appreciate both of your responses. I am giving her the space she needs and even offered to go with her to see a professional. I am aware that I'm not the best person and I've done a lot to hurt her. Same goes with her. I agree with stress being a part of her life, and it's natural. But she does have a lot going on and no one to talk to. Everything bad, she takes out on me. Why? Because I'm the ONLY one there. And I think she's starting to realize that that is not healthy and is hurting me, hurting us.

 

I truly hope this can be repaired and am willing to do what it takes to get there, but I just don't know what to do.

[mhowe]

Do nothing --- she needs professional help. Not someone to hold her hand,

[Ms Darcy]

If this was a healthy relationship that turned, I would see your point. But this was never healthy.

[JayCho]

Do nothing --- she needs professional help. Not someone to hold her hand,

 

That is what I'm doing, trying to keep my distance as best I can. I just don't want her to think she has no one left when she really may need someone there.

 

Ms. Darcy, thank you - I do believe that at some point it was healthy, in the beginning but a lot of factors turned it into a very unhealthy relationship with me trying my best just to make her happy.

[Liraele]

What is that saying... that the drunk voice speaks the sober thoughts? Something to that effect. Yes. Think about it. Alcohol removes filters and makes people say stupid and often brutally honest things. Not always, but odds are good that there is a grain of truth in there somewhere.

 

Your relationship sounds unhealthy. You keep talking about control - there should be a balance of power, not one giving or taking more than the other. Not judge and jury. Partners. Equal partners.

 

Ask yourself... would the girl of your dreams treat you this way? No. Would you be on the fence if she were really "the one"? No. Not like this. Relationships have their ups and downs - but you sound like you have a lot of extreme downs that have to do with incompatibility. Could that change, could it work? Sure. You need to do some work on you first... and she does too.

[JayCho]

Thank you Liraele. Obviously I have not mentioned the ups because those aren't issues But I do agree with you. Drunk moments do have a grain of truth in them, hell they might even be 100% true emotions that have been bottled up and fly out when drunk. The relationship has indeed become unhealthy and is at it's breaking point and in my opinion it's because we both are not able to forgive each other and move forward, not because of incompatibility. I believe it lies in that she cannot forgive me for the things I've done or have said, like leaving, the abortion, etc. and deep down inside I cannot forgive her for leaving the first time.

 

I think while she's seeking therapy and betting herself I should do the same. Because right now my mind is my own worst enemy.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms. Darcy, thank you - I do believe that at some point it was healthy, in the beginning but a lot of factors turned it into a very unhealthy relationship with me trying my best just to make her happy.

 

The factors were the dynamic between the two of you and you'll never get away from that. Healthy for a month and unhealthy for a year means move on ... I know you are in denial though.

[Ms Darcy]

What happens if she still decides to be single (aka date others) after she gets therapy? Would you accept the break up then?

[JayCho]

What happens if she still decides to be single (aka date others) after she gets therapy? Would you accept the break up then?

 

Yeah of course, I just want her to be happy and get the help she needs. Obviously I'd prefer to continue dating her and all, but if that's the choice she would make I would just hope she would be happy. I've told her that before as well. That I'm okay with it not being me that makes her happy if someone else does. I truly love her and being that I do, I just want to see her happy.

 

I will even go so far to tell you this. When she helped me through my break up and we weren't together (about four years ago) she was dating someone. I thought he was a really nice guy and I offered them both to come over for dinner. I remember her asking me if that was going to be weird and I responded with No, we're just friends. At first she told me she was really happy with him and apparently when I came back around and we were discussing my break up she realized she wanted to be with me and not him. I even went so far as to convince her NOT to do that, and to try to work on things with him because she seemed happy.

[Mari]

I appreciate both of your responses. I am giving her the space she needs and even offered to go with her to see a professional. I am aware that I'm not the best person and I've done a lot to hurt her. Same goes with her. I agree with stress being a part of her life, and it's natural. But she does have a lot going on and no one to talk to. Everything bad, she takes out on me. Why? Because I'm the ONLY one there. And I think she's starting to realize that that is not healthy and is hurting me, hurting us.

 

I truly hope this can be repaired and am willing to do what it takes to get there, but I just don't know what to do.

 

I recommend not putting her on a pedestal. The bottom line is, she has needs and she needs a guy to be nice and supportive to her that can handle her saying things without it going to heck.

 

I recommend asking her if you can give her a ride to her therapist, just back and forth and nothing else. She probably doesn't want you there because she fears you'll explode the second she starts talking. And this is something you can improve on. Hear her tell you that she isn't happy with the relationship and ask "what can I do better" instead of getting hurt. Tell her, "I don't want you to be alone, I want someone there that looks out for you and I want that person to be me." while she's telling you she's unsure whether or not she should be alone for the rest of her life. The main thing is you have to look at what you have and not at what you lost. You have to look at trying to get more instead of grieving on what's gone.

 

If you're positive and supportive and are willing to accept her faults, she'll be a happy with you and you will be too. I also recommend sticking to what you said and not letting your fears get the better of you. This relationship is temporary no matter what, both of you will age as time goes by, I recommend making most of the time you have.

 

I agree with Mhowe on it's not about power, don't think of it in terms of her being in control or you being in control.

 

Also, apologize for the stuff you feel you did wrong, multiple times whether she accepts it or not. It's good that you're allowing her to choose what she wants but the other part of it is saying you want to be home with her in addition to asking her is she wants to be alone. Lastly, I recommend reading Al Turtle's website.

 

link removed

 

Good luck.

[JayCho]

Thank you for your words, Mari. I did exactly as you recommend. Offered to drive her to the therapist and the gyno and remain in the car. I never suggested to come inside because I know that it's private. You're 100% right about me learning to listen better, she used to tell me this alllll the time so for the last few times we have fought I used to mentally tell myself to "shut up" and just listen, and it's been working

 

I also told her I didn't want her to be alone and I wanted to support her fully and I also apologize for those harsh things I did almost weekly.

 

Thanks again, she told me she would let me know how the therapist and gyno go tomorrow and I told her yesterday when we talked that if she changed her mind and wanted a ride I would call out of work and take her there.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah of course, I just want her to be happy and get the help she needs. Obviously I'd prefer to continue dating her and all, but if that's the choice she would make I would just hope she would be happy. I've told her that before as well. That I'm okay with it not being me that makes her happy if someone else does. I truly love her and being that I do, I just want to see her happy.

 

Then I'd recommend that you see this breakup as a way of making her happy.

[JayCho]

Then I'd recommend that you see this breakup as a way of making her happy.

 

Ms. Darcy, easier said than done. I am very much trying to see both sides to this as best I can. But after spending every single day with someone for almost a year and living with that person, its not easy at all.

[JayCho]

Going to post a quick update here as I find myself at my desk at work struggling... Yesterday morning she texted me that she loves and misses me. I wrote back me too. She went to see a therapist and she texted me telling me that the therapist told her she is suffering from depression and they are going to put her in group therapy starting next week, she also said "the therapist told me it's going to be a long time before I see any progress." I told her "that I was glad that she figured out what the issue is and that it can be worked towards, and I'm here to help in anyway I can." She went on to text me basically all night, asking me how my day went, etc.

 

I don't know what to make of it all and now I'm over analyzing her words. Should I have said more when she said she missed and loved me? When she said it's going to be a long time before she sees any progress is she keeping me stringing along while she decides what she wants? Or is it just because it WILL take a long time!

 

I find myself fighting myself not to text her now saying something like "I miss and love you and I want to come home!"

[mhowe]

Going home means going back to the same unhealthy dynamic.

 

If you love her, give her the space to GET HEALTHY. You can support her growth without being by her side. You can best support her growth by allowing her to GROW.

 

She is depressed. She doesn't know what she wants. What she doesn't need is you telling her what YOU want.

[JayCho]

Thank you for your words mhowe. I have been doing a good job of not making anything about me... When she asked me about my day I even responded with something short like "the usual," because I don't want to make this about me. I don't want her to think I'm taking away from what she's going through. She is the one seeking help and had a terrible day yesterday. She had three biopsies, met with a therapist, etc. I am giving her as much space as possible by not initiating and only responding to anything she says - and in the positive way possible.

 

Here's another thing I may or may not have mentioned in my very large initial post. My house is in foreclosure, mainly due to Hurricane Sandy, and I won't have much more time in it. MAYBE one more month until I'm forced to leave. My only other option is moving about 6 hours away with my brother for now as I cannot afford my own place here in New Jersey, it's just too expensive. She knows all of this as well.

 

In one month my life is going to change drastically one way or the other and it's killing me.

[mhowe]

You need to plan on moving in with your brother because you should not plan on moving in with her. A month from now is wayyyyy to soon.

Her therapist said a "long time"....she didn't mean 30 days.

[JayCho]

Mhowe, thank you. I spent the past weekend up there with my brother and family and felt much better. Of course I still missed her and longed for her but it wasn't as often. As for her, she ended up texting me asking me to hang out so I agreed. We met up last night and it went terribly. I found out she's texting some other guy and the guy is pushing her away but she is being aggressive (sexually) with him via text. I suppose he's pushing her away because of her recent exit from our relationship or because of her issues. I asked her why she wanted to hang out and she said because "she wanted to spend time with me to see if something was still there or not." She kept saying weird things like "do u want me to make u lunch for the week to bring to work" and "oh on the 15th (I scheduled this day off already because we were gonna spend the day together) we should go to the beach." I basically blew up at her when I found out about the texting. She has an iPad and I went to look something up when I was at her house and all her messages go onto the iPad. When I saw the random number pop up (she hasn't saved his number) I opened it and read the convo. It said something along the lines of her: "hey come over lets bbq" him: "Ok im coming" her: "you'll be coming alright." It felt like a ton of bricks hit me in the stomach so I questioned her about it she said they're just friends and she was just joking around that she doesn't want to be with anyone especially while she's in therapy and going thru it all. I asked her flat out if I was her backup plan. She told me to leave.. so I did. Afterwards she texted me telling me that she was sorry our night ended that way... because honestly before that things were going great. I deleted all her pics off my phone last night as I'm pretty sure she's messing around with that dude... why she won't just tell me and let me go is beyond me. But I'm at work now and I'm a nightmare...

[mhowe]

She doesn't have to "let you go". You can walk away of your own free will.

 

She is messed up. And whether it is depression or simply need attention from other guys --- you are best served by moving to your brothers' and getting

on with your life.

[JayCho]

That's true that she doesn't have to let me go, but I just don't understand why she just doesn't say its over and leave me alone. Instead she says things like "we aren't together but maybe after therapy and all we can be." If she knows there's no future and nothing there anymore why not just say goodbye because she knows it's only hurting me. She claims it's hurting her too but IDK if that's true. I mean honestly you spend a year and a half living with someone and she can move on in less than a week? Ugh... I'm sick to my stomach.

[mhowe]

Because you keep coming when she crooks her finger. She likes the attention. So why should she stop.

 

Why can't you say --- "you know, this just isn't working for me. Best of luck with your therapy. Good bye".

[JayCho]

A lot of me wants to move on, but a lot of me doesn't. I'm sure you understand. The hardest part is: this is the first girl I kissed, the first girl I had sex with... I literally fell in love with her at FIRST sight. It's not an exaggeration. She was in a relationship and I legit hunted her down. When I had her I promised myself to never let her go again and here I am. She means the world to me and she knows it. She is as cliché as this sounds "the one that got away." This is why I'm fighting, hurting.. other relationships and breakups I was fine in a couple of days. My last breakup before her I wasn't even sad, I knew it was over accepted it and moved on. I know I need to just give up and move on but it's so difficult for me right now, especially when I told her I would support her through therapy and all.