Over reliance on messaging/technology caused reduced quality in communication?

[ladydayblues]

As I am now going into the stage of looking back through my relationship to see where things went wrong, something that is now apparent is that my ex and I used to rely WAY too much on Facebook messenger to talk. We were on it at work and a lot in the evenings, sending silly stickers and memes to each other. We never talked on the phone except when we were going to meet up, etc. Of course we had face to face time on dates, etc. But all the rest of the time we were on messenger. And we are not teens - we're 30.

 

I think because we had this constant stream of communication, sometimes conflicts would arise and we'd address them on messenger instead of face to face or on the phone. I think this way we missed a lot of cues from each other, and conflicts may have been worse because of it. I'm not quite sure how much this contributed to the end of my relationship, but I think there were some misunderstandings on there that might have cause stress on both of our parts at times.

 

Anyone else feel like too much use of technology played a part in misunderstandings with their significant others? Or feel like you over-communicated through messenger or text, therefore your face to face time was of lower quality?

[John John]

IMHO...Not only has it reduced the quality in communication, it has also served to kind of ruin the dating experience/process as a whole.

 

Side note for guys on this site - when you get a girl's number from an online dating site, for f#%k's sake, CALL HER. Do not hide behind a text! I cannot tell you how many girls have given me extra brownie points (before the first date!) from something so simple as an introductory phone call!

[janut1]

I agree with this in a lot of ways. We started our relationship on line and ended it over text. There was NO face to face conversation when we broke up, and really no real solid statement either like, 'Im breaking up with you and this is why.' He just told me to find someone else to make me happy because I deserved it. Not sure if he expected me to say No, I don't want that. But I had had it because he did this ever other week and just said "okay". End of story all on text.

 

We would have arguments on text too, and then when we would be together and I would try to talk about it, he would always say thats in the past. So yea, it seemed hard sometimes to really communicate face to face about things that were bothering me.

[janut1]

Side note for guys on this site - when you get a girl's number from an online dating site, for f#%k's sake, CALL HER. Do not hide behind a text! I cannot tell you how many girls have given me extra brownie points (before the first date!) from something so simple as an introductory phone call!

 

I SO agree with this!

[ExcitedtoSleep]

Especially when people tend to take texts so seriously. I think of texting as a sort of meaningless form of communication used simply to waste time. Don't get me wrong, I like to schedule things over text because it makes events easy to remember, but I think people place way too much emotional emphasis on texts.

[laninaperdida]

We all know technology as ruined relationships, even friendships.

However,there is literally nothing you can do about it unless you choose to surround yourself with those who refrain from social media (good luck finding a group under 40 that does this) it is what it is.

All you can do is adjust.

I don't find my my relationships have suffered, but my friendships really have.

[BigKK]

One of the worst things I ever did was to have my ex on messenger at my work, we'd message all friggin day, and we'd live together.

 

By the time I saw her, I literally knew everything that was going on, and wasn't even really excited to see her... just kind of bored with it all

[AgroAgogo]

yea i agree. relationship ended via fb. no words were even exchanged.

[CeeLambrini]

I think sending each other funny messages and pictures is a plus in the relationship. It lets the other person know that you're thinking of them and vice versa and it may be something to talk about later on when you're both home. I don't think messenger has to be a bad thing as long as you both have the will power to leave any unresolved problems or issues until you are next to each other. There is a healthy medium here, and I also in the past have crossed that boundary to bring up issues that just shouldn't be expressed with emoticons. Now I just think, why would anyone want to bring up an issue on messenger? You need actual facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and the power of physical touch to deal with issues together - and it's something a meme just can't cover. Like I said, using it as a fun tool to trade funny stories and pictures and to quickly update each other on what time you're going to be home, or to send an "I love you" message every now and then can really help a relationship in my opinion. Crossing the boundary and getting serious however is just a terrible idea.

[shes2smart]

*Sigh* I will sound old after I say what I'm intending to say, but so be it...I *am* old...lol

 

Not just in romantic relationship, but overall, social media is eroding people's ability to interact with other people in person. I deal with people on a daily basis who seem to believe that just hanging up on someone is an acceptable alternative to saying, "I'm not interested"...even in a nasty tone of voice. God forbid you take a moment to realize there's another human being on the other end of the phone who deserves a certain minimum level of courtesy & civility.

 

As a result, we have the illusion of being more connected while feeling more isolated.

 

A {{{hugs}}} is not the same as a real one....and it never will be. Someone typing messages of support in your time of need will never have the emotional impact of someone making the effort to be with you in person in your time of need.

 

The solution to our isolation/loneliness is in interacting with others in person....not with a device between us.

[CeeLambrini]

shes2smart I don't think you sound old at all, I think you are hitting the nail on the head when it comes to friends and family. I certainly don't feel socially fulfilled after a few messages sent back and forth. I much prefer being around people to communicating through a phone, even voice to voice however we just can't always be there. The purpose of phones and whatever other devices are now out there are for when we can't be there in person to cheer someone up or to offer support. For one, enotalone would not exist if it wasn't possible to 'be there' without being there for someone even in the slightest way. And I also think a lot of people find it easier to voice their feelings through writing rather than speaking. I just think having it as the main form of communication is not the way to maintain any form of close relationship with someone, certainly not to bring up serious issues when both parties are at work and concentrating on other things.

[faraday]

Idk....I find texts less obtrusive than the phone...when it rings, I feel like it's demanding my time...where as a text...I can deal with it when I have a moment.

 

With that said...I like hearing from people that I love. I love when my bf calls me. I love (most of the time) when my parents call...and I love when friends call. Other than that...I wish the phone didn't exist lol.

 

Skype is really the best though when you can't be with someone. Technology isn't all bad

 

To answer the OP. I think texting/messengering all day are toxic to any relationship. So is hanging out with someone non-stop for months on end though lol. Everything in moderation. I mean...I haven't talked to a guy on the phone for 6 hours straight since I was a teenager...and I wouldn't do that now...so why did I text constantly with my ex? We had NOTHING to talk about in person. I was bored all the time when we were together. Stupidity. I won't do that again. We can learn things. We can grow. So...be different, you know what I mean?

 

I text my current bf random things throughout the day that are more for me than him. "Remind me to tell you the ____ story when I see you next!" "I can't wait to tear your clothes off you when you get back" Not serious things. When we argue, we agree to wait to talk in person. Usually by the time we see each other, both of us are over the heat of that moment and just want to have fun together. *Shrugs*

[ladydayblues]

Thanks for adding to the discussion, everyone.

 

I agree, that despite technology is sort of deteriorating how humans interact on an interpersonal level, some people do tend to feel more comfortable communicating in writing (I am one of them). At work, I always prefer to email instead of talking on the phone or having a meeting because I'm simply not good at... talking. Sometimes my ex and I would write emails to each other to more thoughtfully articulate an issue we were having, which I think was good in some ways because there is less room for raising voices when thoughts are written out in a civil way. However, in the end, he also used an email in order to break up with me after a 3-year relationship, even after I requested to meet with him face-to-face to discuss. Like some of you said, people can also hide behind the technology, and protect themselves from having to acknowledge the fact that the other person is in fact a human being and will have a potentially strong reaction to what they are saying. I think that's why the messenger thing was a slippery slope for us - one of us would, in our incessant ramblings on messenger, say something insensitive not really considering the full impact of what was being said because the other person was really "there." You're just typing into space.

 

I do agree enotalone is one great use of technology and a way to connect with so many people in the same boat.

[shes2smart]

I've been keeping a journal since I was 12.

 

I am far, far more comfortable writing than speaking.

 

However, because the Internet didn't exist until I was already an adult, I was forced to overcome my discomfort and awkwardness and learn how to function in a face-to-face (or at least speaking on the phone) way with other people.

 

Frankly, that was not a bad thing. The more you do anything, the more comfortable you become with it and the better you get at it.

 

I will never be as polished, poised and social as someone who identifies as an extrovert, but I'm not nearly as awkward as I was in my 20s.

 

If I was 20 or 30 years younger, I never would've been pushed out of my comfort zone and would've easily been able to avoid learning how to navigate and become comfortable with personal interaction with other people.

 

I see people out in public now and the way they behave, they use their phone and other devices as some sort of shield to keep people at a distance. They will be rude and unkind to other humans who are mere feet away from them, but interact with their devices very intensely.

[deejay74]

I think this also was a part of the problem in my last relationship. My ex grew up on the Internet, had pretty much only online friends since she was 15 and had a handful of friends in real life that she never saw. I met her on OK Cupid. She hated talking on the phone. It was really hard for me to get her to talk to me on the phone at all. Communication was always through some electronic means.

 

I always thought electronic communications made it easier to misunderstand things, especially for important relationship discussions. I know I misunderstood some of the things my ex said and vice versa.

 

Needless to say, she broke up with me over Facebook, texts, and emails.

 

She's 32 and I'm about to turn 40, so we're not teens or even in our 20s. But it was so frustrating many times to get my ex to actually talk to me on the phone.

 

In my opinion, I think it's cowardly and impersonal to limit communication to texts, chats, IMs, whatever. There's no consequences for anything you say. You can just sign off, block, or ignore the other person if you don't like what you're reading.

 

But, so many of my friends HATE talking on the phone. And they're all near my age. I don't get it. They new life before the Internet. I miss those days sometimes.

[Batya33]

Yes. I agree with this (other than I was fine socially after my early teen years). One way I improved my marriage over the last year is by stopping what I am doing that might distract me when my husband wants to talk -even if it's just to chat about his day or whatever. I stop, I listen, I make eye contact the whole time and do my best not to interrupt. If I cannot do that I do my best to tell him it will have to wait or warn him that I am a little distracted. I didn't tell him I was doing that (the stopping and listening, every time) but I think he feels more respected and listened to. It's not easy all the time especially if it's not something "important" but I treat it as important.