Girls wanting to pay for their self on dates?

[erkin1460]

After meeting a guy I just met on a fun coffee date, I wanted to try to ask him out to lunch/dinner. I have this thing about having guys pay for me. I really don't like it and think the tradition should be eliminated where the guy pays his own portion AND his date. However, I do know guys like to be gentlemen and pay for their dates. So would it be more insulting to a guy if a girl insists they pay their fare share or actually be quite a change in pace? I don't want to insult him or anything, but it makes me squeamish inside having a guy pay for me too just because I'm the girl.

[Lonewing]

You do precisely what you want, and eventually you will be a with a guy who allows you to be yourself.

[annie24]

I think many guys might find it a welcome change. Say that you'd rather pay your own way. Some couples alternate paying for dates. I agree that it doesn't make sense in this day and age for the man to pay all the time.

[IAmFCA]

You do precisely what you want, and eventually you will be a with a guy who allows you to be yourself.

 

brilliant.

[Capricorn3]

These days it is becoming the norm and accepted that girls pay their own way. If he does offer to pay, accept graciously and then make sure that YOU pay for the next date.

[hodgeheg]

I agree with you. On most of my first dates however I didn't push the issue too far if the guy was absolutely sure. If we went for dinner and then for a drink during the same date, I'd pay for our drinks. If I was certain I wanted to go on a second date with the guy it also created an opportunity to show I was interested by saying "Ok but I'm paying next time."

[blueidealist24]

I see a lot of guys complaining that they have to pay for the girl and they "wasted" their money if she doesn't want to see them again.. I always offer to pay my own way so they don't say I just went out with them to freeload a dinner or coffee or whatever. Sometimes if they're like, "no, I insist" and I don't currently have a lot of money I will "give in."

 

That reminds me, one time I went out with a dude, it wasn't an official date but I had to pay his cover charge because he realized he had no change and then I had to practically demand that he buy me a drink to make up for it.. and before I got that drink I had to wait until his parents transferred some money via online banking.. lol. This was in university but still funny.

[ArtOnTheHeart]

I think its important to stay true to your own feelings on this one, its been a few years since I 'dated', but I found that I just paid for my half before there was an awkward 'do I pay dont I pay' moment and the guys who got offended (and there were a few I can recall) were not further date material, they guys who were cool with it were the best people I dated - it was almost like a little test in the end to find out what kind of person they were.

It can be a useful tool for weeding out the good ones.

[blueidealist24]

I think its important to stay true to your own feelings on this one, its been a few years since I 'dated', but I found that I just paid for my half before there was an awkward 'do I pay dont I pay' moment and the guys who got offended (and there were a few I can recall) were not further date material, they guys who were cool with it were the best people I dated - it was almost like a little test in the end to find out what kind of person they were.

It can be a useful tool for weeding out the good ones.

 

That's a good point. I find that guys who insist on paying can be more sexist/controlling than others.

[jjkk]

That's a good point. I find that guys who insist on paying can be more sexist/controlling than others.

 

I used to feel awkward about allowing the guys to pay and would try to pay for my half but my experience was the guys that were fine w/ me doing that ended up being cheap b******* who then took advantage of my willingness and ability to pay and became moochers. Now I absolutely expect the man to pick up the bill and after several dates if things are going well I'll jump in and start paying sometimes.

[Feast]

I guess I'll be the one opposite opinion. Guy here. I'd rather just pay for the first date especially, if the girl seems offended I take it as a bad sign. I'm not insistent, if the girl makes it really clear she wants to pay half, that's fine. I usually just pay and don't ask or let it come up, if she offers I think that's fine but ill just say I got it, my treat, but thanks for offering. I have no expectations though I'm going to get something out of it because I paid. I've been on a few dates where the girl thinks its strange I open the door or pay for them, if they make it into a big deal I know things wont work out. I like it better when say the third date comes around and the girl says let me take care of this one, then it's easier for some reason. I guess I'd say there is a wooing process going on here, let me be the man and take the lead. If the girl won't let me treat them special it's like I'm out with a coworker rather than a date. If the guy thinks he's owed something because he paid, he's the wrong guy to be with. My advice is tobe considerate, offer to pay if it feels right, but don't make it into a big deal either way. I remember opening a car door for a date, she sat down and reached over and unlocked my door for me, I liked that, she let me lead but was considerate back.

[blueidealist24]

I used to feel awkward about allowing the guys to pay and would try to pay for my half but my experience was the guys that were fine w/ me doing that ended up being cheap b******* who then took advantage of my willingness and ability to pay and became moochers. Now I absolutely expect the man to pick up the bill and after several dates if things are going well I'll jump in and start paying sometimes.

 

Hmm, yeah, I guess that is the flip side. Maybe the moral of the story is that there are jerks who do pay and jerks who don't.

[jjkk]

Hmm, yeah, I guess that is the flip side. Maybe the moral of the story is that there are jerks who do pay and jerks who don't.

 

Lol, so true. I sound like a bitter old hag in that post.

[lavenderdove]

What I do if they pay is thank them for paying, and also say, 'I'll get the next one...' So it is letting them know that you appreciate the gesture and intend to pick up the check sometimes.

[Sportster2005]

After meeting a guy I just met on a fun coffee date, I wanted to try to ask him out to lunch/dinner. I have this thing about having guys pay for me. I really don't like it and think the tradition should be eliminated where the guy pays his own portion AND his date. However, I do know guys like to be gentlemen and pay for their dates. So would it be more insulting to a guy if a girl insists they pay their fare share or actually be quite a change in pace? I don't want to insult him or anything, but it makes me squeamish inside having a guy pay for me too just because I'm the girl.

 

Nope. I don't date women who don't offer to pay their own way. It's 2014 not 1914. Women who say they like 'tradition' are just using a double standard to ensure a free lunch.

[BigKK]

Nope. I don't date women who don't offer to pay their own way. It's 2014 not 1914. Women who say they like 'tradition' are just using a double standard to ensure a free lunch.

 

I second this, I find it very nice when the girl I am dating wants to pay...even if its the first date. I will usually smile and let them know no I got this, if she really insists (and I like her) I will say how about you get the next round, or dessert, etc.

[IAmFCA]

If he asked me out for the first date, I want him to pay. He asked me out. If I don't like him, at all, I will offer to pay half. Seems backwards, but I just want to close out my account with him and move on with good karma.

 

If I think we might see each other again, then I will thank him for paying. And I think I may in the wrong on this one: but I would expect him to ask me out for date #2. I may do part of it, like buy tickets to something, or bake something or bring wine, or whatever the event is.

 

Eventually, I just start to do stuff that I want to do, and include him in it, and then I haven't a clue who is paying fo rwhat and don't much care. If I can afford it, I am happy to pay.

[John John]

I have absolutely no problem at all paying for the first date. Even if I don't like the girl, I usually do, just because it's chivalrous, and I'm oldschool in a lot of ways (not that it gets you anywhere in NYC in 2014, but I am who I am). I've had girls offer to pay on the first date, but if I like them and want to see them again, I always politely decline their offer. If I know I'm not interested, I accept their offer, but will pay the whole bill if they don't offer (even if I don't like them).

 

But after the first date, at least an offer from the woman to split the bill would mean a lot. One of the things I liked about my ex was that she was the opposite of a kept woman. She insisted she pay half our first date, and she kissed me first (I wasn't as bold back then). Would be nice to find similar qualities in another woman someday!

[John John]

If I don't like him, at all, I will offer to pay half. Seems backwards, but I just want to close out my account with him and move on with good karma.

 

I'm glad I know this for future reference. I've been on dates with girls who I've liked that haven't liked me back...and thinking back, most of them offered to pay half the bill, but I still paid in full (since I liked them). I'm going to be more cautious moving forward...a guy's gotta hedge his bets, you know?

[Fudgie]

I prefer to split it. That being said, I'm okay with either going Dutch or doing the "I'll-pay-this-one, you-pay-next-date" thing. I did that through all of my relationships. Even when I was a student and barely making anything, still did it. If I didn't have the $$ to go out, I'd do free dates until I had the $$.

 

That being said, if a guy wanted to pay for a first date, I wouldn't be offended at all or stop him. I'm not like that.

 

I definitely believe in equality and if both people are working adults and want an equal relationship in life, why start that out by being unequal? I don't get that. "Tradition" alone isn't a good enough reason for me. That tradition came from a time when women didn't work at all. Now women do and make (almost) as much as men and so there is no excuse for why they can't share part of that cost.

[IAmFCA]

I'm glad I know this for future reference. I've been on dates with girls who I've liked that haven't liked me back...and thinking back, most of them offered to pay half the bill, but I still paid in full (since I liked them). I'm going to be more cautious moving forward...a guy's gotta hedge his bets, you know?

 

One thing I need to be better at (if/when I ever get back out there) is being clear about my intentions. It is clear that there is so much variety of other behaviors that nothing is clear if it isn't spoken outright.

 

If you initiated the date, and expect me to split the costs, I am turned off and likely will not continue. Also, when I get a sense that the man cares about who pays, I lose interest. If I like you, I will ask you out for date #3, so that I can reciprocate. For dates #1 and #2, I might do something small, like bring you cookies that I made or something, just to be appreciative of you.

 

I admit I need to step up my game. I had gotten accustomed to men asking me out, and was utterly unprepared to pick up the ball when it was my turn. I am better at it now, but still biased toward the man taking the lead in the beginning, which ends up that he pays, since he sets the date agenda.

 

Not saying this is the best way, or the right way, or even the most prominent way. There seem to be as many approaches to dating as there are dates.

[IAmFCA]

On this topic one of the related ideas I have been noodling:

 

How many of us end up in a relationship because the other person is really good at dating? And, are dating skills indicative of LTR/marriage compatibility?

 

The topic of paying for dates, for me, is part of this bigger heading. It is important to exhibit habits and behaviors that are consistent with what we want to perpetuate in a relationship. In my case, in the beginning, I don't know you that well, and I forget to show anything more than mild interest... my current squeeze hung in there anyway, and I am not sure why. Who have I sloughed off without even noticing?

[jonny15]

I think that sounds great. You should do what you want to do.

 

I think it would make dating alot better from a fianancial standpoint if women payed their way.

[Fudgie]

 

How many of us end up in a relationship because the other person is really good at dating? And, are dating skills indicative of LTR/marriage compatibility?

 

I don't know the answer to the first question but I can answered the bolded: I think so.

 

You can't tell everything from dates alone (which is why I think it's important to do mundane things with love interests instead of just standard dates) but you can tell some things. You can tell who is respectful, traditional, who prefers equality versus who wants "men to be men, and women to be women".

[erkin1460]

Thank you guys for all of your responses! I feel much better now that I have a good idea of what both parties expect on a date. I've never been on a date with someone I don't really know, so I didn't want to mess it up. In the past if guys insisted on paying for me, even though I knew they did it just because they liked me, I ended up resorting to throwing money at them (playfully). I don't know how that would go over with this guy, so I think I'll just bring cash so I can at least pay my share and put the money on the table once the bill comes. If he insists, I'll just let him if he wants, to not make things awkward and thank him for the gesture, even if it ends up making me feel cheap lol. But if this goes somewhere, I will be demanding I pay/throwing money at him.