ThatwasThen Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 The post you listed is a post from my previous relationship prior to him....But thanks for a the timeline of my previous bf prior to him? ......I don't know what to say? I don't think it really matters what boyfriend it happened to be. The point is you are having a hard time in your romantic life and I think it's about your codependent personality and your inability to quickly distance yourself from D-bags that you don't get along with. Love IS NEVER enough, Delicous and as soon as you get that and as soon as you work on your confidence and self-worth you'll realize that love isn't enough and you'll get away from men who you have to fix. A good example I always use when I hear people who think love is enough, like you do is in the spouse of an alcoholic that still loves his/her partner but they have enough self-esteem to leave him/her and quit being selfish to that partner by enabling them to be the drunk that they are. You enable this man you "love" to be the man he is by continuing to caretake and thereby allowing him to never have to improve his finances or anything else he doesn't know how to handle. There is plenty of literature on the subject of codependency, the difference between caregiving and caretaking (the latter is not good) and forming and maintaining personal boundaries that would help you with your life in general. When you're happy in general and have a good love of self then you'd not find these men attractive at all and you'd vanish from their lives without being hovered back in for more of the same man who hasn't changed in the least so common sense says the same issues are going to cause relationship problems for you. Link to comment
delicous Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 I know where you are coming from, but I have not chosen to let go....I do love him, but it goes deeper, he is my best friend in many ways and he is the one who has always been there for me when we are a couple...When we were broken up, he even came to my rescue once or twice....... He has offered me advise, has comforted me.....Has been there, made me dinner countless times, rubbed my feet, massaged me....Fingertipped my arm, and my face, hair until I fell asleep...Cuddling his body onto mine for the entire night many times... We have said we love each other, but it goes deeper than that...We have resolved issues and not just swept them under the rug.....We need to work on that still, but I feel like we have started to skim the surface of some of our problems....Our communication with each other can improve, but I feel it has improved.....We have discussed in a year or 2 having kids, just...now wasn't the time...and we just weren't strong enough to handle a child....I don't feel like that will end us, we are stronger than that.... We discussed getting a house together and living together and marriage...then kids when both of us are feeling like we want that....He told me we will feel like something is missing, and that is when we will know we want kids....Just aren't ready yet....... I love the man he is...he is the one I want and need...... I don't know how else to put this how much he means to me? I just want us to be happy...Googling advise has actually helped me more than this actual forum has....Some of you have helped, but most just judge and don't really try to put yourselves in my shoes or his shoes..... He's just in your eyes a "Player" who will never change. .... and I am the sappy Door matt who just can't let go.... Whatever we are, we are trying to be happy....i'd rather it be tough and try to get through it with him than....Give up and be unhappy with out him....Maybe I will feel different at one point or another, but as of now......I just don't want to let go of him...I love him too much and need him too much.... Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 it has been my experience that when people explain and defend their relationship so much and go to great lengths to say how wonderful it all is, they are usually trying to convince themselves.....trying to over-scream their own doubts, they will have many doubts and fears but when someone else voices concern and doubt it is a touchy subject, thus the need to over-explain that so-called great love.....and that no one could possibly understand that great love, cause of course no one has ever known a love like that..... but you do what you want and try to be happy, all anyone really wants..... Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Yes, googling advice where people have zero knowledge of your background with this man as opposed to a couple years of background on here... It doesn't hurt us any if you stay with him. We'll read the post and go about our lives. So we have no personal investment here. Just try to help you get to a healthier place. If you don't want to take that, that is your business and prerogative. I agree with sara. Do what you want and find your happiness. Link to comment
delicous Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 Sara, you could be right...but as of now I am just trying to be happy and he makes me that way.... I don't want to think too deeply into it since it seems every time I do, I just mess things up between us because it brings out all my insecurities....And in a LD relationship when we got so much background problems...I am already afraid I will drive him away with even one comment of insecurity on my part....I feel like we have room to grow possibly?....maybe this time away will help us more than hurt us since we have been going through so much, we can reflect upon everything that has occurred..... Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 but as of now I am just trying to be happy and he makes me that way.... Until he doesn't yet again. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein. I'll suggest instead of forums and google, perhaps sitting down with a trained professional and discussing your love life with him and why you love a man that makes you come to a forum and google over and over again getting advise about why you're currently NOT happy. I wish you better, long lasting interaction in general with him and that you put less emphasis on the bits of coddling he does for you that you cherish over, your over-all well being. There is a reason why you don't think you can do better. A therapist will help you with over-coming your addiction to the drama with him. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Therapist only help people who are will to chance and put in the work. The OP is happy being a yo-yo for this guy. Until she accept that things need to chance and to accept adivces she doesn't want to hear, she will continue in the same pattern of being unhappy, asking adivces, getting defensive, having this guy break her heart, accept him back because "he's/some unrelated factor has chances", living a fantasy for a few months, until he pulls away again, and she goes back to being unhappy. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 I'd not discourage her from getting some professional help though. A therapist has a better chance of encouraging her to "do the work" that she needs to do to over-come her codependency then we would have. So does a codependents anonymous group or an addiction therapist because to me, it appears that she is addicted to the cruelty that this man puts on her by giving to her and then distancing himself when she gets too close. Us never telling her what she wants to hear (because what she wants to hear isn't healthy) isn't working to help her past her addiction to him and the relief she feels when he comes back to her with more cuddles which she mistakes for "love." We know that "love" doesn't look like how she describes her on and off with this guy. We've told her so someone who knows how to help her see things differently is needed. After all: We've not been helpful (at least most of us haven't according to the Op) so no point in enabling her to become addicted to asking for help from those that haven't helped her. *shrugs* Link to comment
delicous Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 You guys are right...I just am having a hard time right now admitting it to myself that he really just said a lot....and didn't do a lot....The actions didn't come accross the way I had hoped they would.....I am now in a LD thing with him in which I don't even know what the heck to think anymore or do, + I am post partum depression and just can't seem to feel happy. I am good at faking it, but I seriously am miserable...with or without him at this point ......Things seem to change with him which is why I have such a hard time at letting him go or giving up on him...... But my happiness doesn't mean jack or he'd of had the baby with me...or he would of at least helped make me feel better POST abort, which he didn't...he actually went into a weird state of mind where I guess he didn't think of me as much at all, almost like he used me just to get me to abort the baby....He used his smooth way of words to convince me things will get better, when now.......I am 2 days without talking to him and he is another state and will be traveling even further for a job he may or may not get.............. I am at my wits end and I want to surrender and help myself get better because I know I am crazy right now, am going crazy, hurtng because of the decisions ive made and my well being is at serious after math of a nervous break down.... If I do not do something soon to make myself better healthier, i feel like I am going to lose it entirely and him....and myself, if I havn't already...I am sorry if I went off on any of you and called you "unhelpful" but at the time, i felt like I know whats best and was hoping to be encouraged towards that. I know you guys care, and I just have a hard time accepting the end truth......I just am not right for this guy, or he isn't right for me....and we aren't right for each other....I can't help but love and care for him though and hope we could make things work....Still..............and i know it's been years and years of me looking for help ...Maybe it's time to face the facts...I mean he's not even in the same state as me anymore, what is the point of hurting any longer?....Possibly can use this time apart to get a grip on my needs....maybe a new man is what I need, someone who actually gives a care about me?....I don't know...I feel empty, alone and hurt.....I want to pack up and move out and ditch this state I am and start new and fresh at a new location, with a new frame of mind..............I thought maybe him and I would work tho...Yet........he has not really changed, he'd reverting to the same ol dude i was with 5 yrs ago.... Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 i didn't want to say that, but yes i already suspected he was being extra sweet and did and said anything to get you to abort, of course he was going to be super loving and caring, because he needed that abortion, he didn't want a child and i am relieved you finally start to see that yourself... take the time to grief this loss! do not jump onto another man immediately however, you did that last time, that doesn't work, you need to be on your own for a while, get to know yourself without a man, stand more strong and stand up for yourself, get to know what you do want in a relationship for the future, so that you don't fall into this same pattern again. seek help, figure out who you are, and please leave this man.. make that final decission and leave him, don't let him continue breaking your heart, don't fall for his sweet talks, you know rationally that it is all a lie but he can keep this up forever, he gets what he wants so you have to make that final step, leave him, be strong and don't look back.... we will be here, come here, vent, talk, but whatever you do, do not fall for it again please! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 It is extremely common for men who want women to abort to promise all kinds of things BEFORE the abortion to entice the woman into it. But if they never wanted the commitment to that woman, or didn't want children with that woman or at that time in their life, it is extremely common for them to bolt after the abortion with a huge sign of relief and a disappearing act because they feel they dodged a bullet. Meanwhile the woman is devastated and sad because she believed giving up that baby would please her partner and lead to the things he promised when it was all just manipulative words. This guy is not 'reverting', he is who he is and has shown that thru his behavior over years. You're just influenced by his manipulative and insincere words, which he uses as tools to get what he wants from you at the moment. You need to really look at people's ACTIONS and study their behavior before concluding that it will work out. This guy is a repeat cheater and manipulator, and he is not going to mutate into a different person just because you hope he will. I agree with others that your best bet under these circumstances is to get counseling to help you deal with your grief over the abortion and to also learn how to live in reality rather than basing your life on fantasies and hopes that run counter to the man you are actually seeing in front of you. He needs to treat you well, be monogamous, all those good things and just hoping for him to change won't make it so. Anybody can 'behave' for a short period of time, but a person's true character comes out eventually, and stays the same. So this guy is just toxic for you, and lies and manipulates and cheats. That is all you need to know to leave him behind and start moving on. And if you're in mental distress, see a counselor to help you thru that and teach you how to evaluate men more realistically. Link to comment
delicous Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Thanks guys...I agree with all you are saying...It makes me sad to think of "leaving him" tho...But this time apart should help encourage me towards making that step to let him go....I will leave him soon, i just can't right this moment because my head isn't right.....I want to end it when I myself have mellowed out, the increased hormones from the pregnancy/abortion has subsided and my head is on straight. My head isn't on straight right now, I am overly sensitive. It's best to end it with him, but i just can't call him and do it this moment and I know it's because I fear the after affects....that I won't be able to concentrate on work and that I will fixate more on leaving him and eventually be too sad to live....I know that sounds dramatic, but I allowed myself to touch a hot stove again, and that layers aren't healing, and I feel when i confront him and let him know i want to end things, it will be hard on me and he will act like its nothing...... because deep down inside I now know it means nothing to him to be with me or not be with me......It hurts to think it, and I am hurting now thinking about it.....I want to get better, don't get me wrong...I just feel helpless towards myself. I need to get cable tv, right now i have no television and my internet is stuck in only one room dependent on a wall...I think once i get some of that sorted out, it'll be easier for me to focus on moving forward and being a little bit happier...I have a hard time even focusing on reading a book....Yet i can read the post just fine..... I just need to sort myself out!!! Sooner than later... I have wasted too much of my time to post pone much longer......Thank you for the support... I need to work on my at home life, entertainment wise.... I need to look for a more fulfilling job/career.. Figure out a way to go to school.....And get that taken care of...then maybe ill be ready to move on with someone new?...I don't know, those are my thoughts along with maybe taking a couple sewing classes/art classes and cooking classes as well to get my mind off of things pertaining to my failed on again off again relationship........... Link to comment
delicous Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 I have had a change of heart... Him and I stayed together and never ended up breaking up, we worked through it...He asked me to move in with him, it is out of state because he got a new career ....But I think we might be stepping in the right direction. I plan to try to come see him first and get a feel for the town he is in prior to packing up everything and driving cross country.......... But I do feel this a good thing. He has been very sweet and patient and been talking every day to me, calling once to twice a day...Wake up call in the morning and mid afternoon to night call.... We have been skyping and it has been nice to keep in closer touch. I was losing it for a minute because of the separation but I am getting use to it and controlling my emotions... Just still nervous because of the fact that we have had such a rocky relationship... Keep in mind we did take a year off of one another, and we got back together after that time was taken....... So we sorted through a lot of the drama... But...Who knows, could be real this time, and I'd like to find out.... Because I do feel so emotionally invested in him and don't want to throw it away... We have been saying the "L" word alot...And we have also been using the "M" word at times, talking about me being his wife...and stuff.... Just seems a little nerve wracking to leave my family and friends for him.... It's a big step.....Just unsure if I should take it, or if I should let more time go by first...I have to renew my lease soon, or let them know I am not renewing, so it sorta puts a rush on things.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 If I were you I would move accross the country only with an engagement ring and a wedding date. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Yeah, I thought that way at first too... He wants to, but...He isn't going to propose to me over the phone or on Skype.... It has to be in person.... Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 well you can visit him first before actually moving there.....i would not move just everything and leave everyone behind without that, especially given the history (well i wouldn't under any circumstances in your case, i would never be able to trust him but that is another story, you seem determined to go down this route anyway...) Link to comment
Moontiger Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Enjoy it while it lasts but prepare for the emotional fallout. It sad to see you repeating this pattern again. When he breaks your heart yet again don't complain. You know what your getting with this guy. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 well you can visit him first before actually moving there.....i would not move just everything and leave everyone behind without that, especially given the history (well i wouldn't under any circumstances in your case, i would never be able to trust him but that is another story, you seem determined to go down this route anyway...) Yes, exactly. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Moon----I can complain if I want to... And no, I do not know what I am getting into and neither do you...u see some type of similarity to your own experience so u wanna make me feel bad? I'll guess you haven't really been in a good relationship in a while so you are trying to ruin it for the rest of us? It's all good...I'll keep your secret... Anyways... We have been in touch every day. we are making plans for the future... He told me he is ready to settle down and he wants it to be with me... hes been faithful and truthful to me... He's been consistent and just wants me to love him, and trust him...Give him the benefit of the doubt... That is what we do for our loved ones, do we not? Do we not chose to forgive them?.... I just don't understand why I am being judged so roughly...And same with him.... We have been getting along great for months now! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Moon---- I can complain if I want to... And no, I do not know what I am getting into and neither do you... u see some type of similarity to your own experience so u wanna make be feel bad? I'll guess you haven't really been in a good relationship in a while so you are trying to ruin it for the rest of us? It's all good...I'll keep ur secret... Anyways... We been in touch every day ... we are making plans for the future... He told me he is ready to settle down and he wants it to be with me... He's been consistent and just wants me to love him, and trust him...Give him the benefit of a doubt... That is what we do for our loved ones, do we not? This is not about black and white thinking or throwing up your hands and saying "well who knows what I'm getting into' -it's about managing the risk and carefully evaluating benefit v. risk. And when I evaluate it especially given your recent history with this guy there is no way I would move if I were you without actions to back up his words - the actions of a proposal, a ring and a wedding date. What we do for our loved ones is first show them that we love ourselves and treat ourselves the way we want to be treated by others. Second, from that perspective of self-confidence we give love to them. It makes no sense to risk everything to move accross the country without an actual commitment from this person who has multiple times broken up with you and who started being involved with you when he was still involved with someone else. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 All I know is I really do love him and want it to work between us. I know a lot has happened and him and I have a lot of history and a lot of our past is negative, not good and unhealthy, but I swear I think he really does love me too.. I do think me moving there without some real commitment is a mistake, so I have decided to stay here..he doesn't even know what he is doing as far as financial and living situation... Right now he is just going through a lot of changes and getting to understand his new career where he is still a TEMP and not PERM... So I agree, stay here...as much as that is going to suck, it is the right thing to do... I am not feeling very good... I plan to renew my lease and stay for another 6 months... I am nervous about it but its the time him and I need to figure things out... I really don't know what lies ahead, wish I did.... That way I know I am doing the right thing for certain... I am feeling really stressed. I don't like my job, don't like how I take care of myself...how I am so driven by other people and there feelings, emotions... and I just feel like I have been deserting myself and my needs ...I'm having such a hard time right now...I don't even know how to deal with it... I am gaining weight by worrying so much about if he is being faithful and if we can really pull this off? If he will ever actually propose to me...Have a life together? Link to comment
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