How do you talk to you parents about your lifestyle choices, when they disagree

[wlh22]

My question is more generic but how do you talk to you parents about lifestyle choices when they have different value/perspective/thoughts. For example if you come from a conservative Christian background but choose to have an intimate relationship before marriage or you are a Sikh and choose to cut your hair or you are a muslim but choose to drink? Or maybe your sexual preference when they were raised in a different context/values etc. Or something not so extreme such as tattoos etc. This assumes the person (child) is an adult.

 

I had a fight/argument with my mom (this is not the first time) when she disagrees with me and I just had to tell her that beyond a certain point/age one has to let their kids make their own choices. But I feel like she really doesn't "get it" and keeps saying the same things. It is making the conversation with her more and more negative because of this every time.

 

Thanks for your help.

[lavenderdove]

OK, first, religion is not about logic it is about emotion and belief. So you can't logically argue someone into accepting your beliefs vs. theirs. You can hope they are tolerant of other beliefs, but sadly a lot of religions are not tolerant (or the people who ascribe to those religions) and hence you will not 'win' an argument based on logic or the subject of tolerance if they believe their beliefs are driven by some kind of a higher power who sets the rules.

 

Now, once you pass adult age and are no longer financially dependent on your parents, they dont' have to 'let' you do anything. You do as you please, but must take the consequences for that. So if you know you are doing something your parents won't like, then you have several choices: you can do it and not tell them (i.e., see it as your private business and they don't need to know or interfere). Or do it and take the heat while refusing to argue about it (as in, tell them what you are doing, then tell them you are not going to change your mind and if they bring it up again the discussion is over and you will leave and not talk to them until they are calm and leave the subject alone and don't bring it up.

 

Very controlling parents have no desire to let go or let you make your own choices. So you can keep them in the dark (if possible), or tell them that you're sorry they don't like it but you won't change your mind and refuse to argue about it. That means if necessary you have to hang up the phone if they try to start up with you, or walk out the door etc. They need to learn that those topics are not open for discussion or continued conflict. And if they want to see their child (You!) they will have to respect your right to make choices. They don't have to like your choices, but it is not open season to attack you about them anytime they please or you will refuse to see them.

 

And sometimes with extremely controlling and intolerant parents, you may have to walk away from them entirely (cut them out of your life). It usually doesn't come to that, but it can if they are extremely determined to bully you into behaving the way they want you to behave.

 

So first work on trying to establish some boundaries with her. As in telling her, i know you don't like this, but I'm an adult and it is my choice. If you want to maintain a good relationship with me, then this topic is not open for discussion and we will not discuss it and instead will talk about other pleasant things whenever we get together. If you insist on talking about this, i will hang up or leave.

 

And if you are financially dependent on them (living at home), it is time to move out if you want to live a different life than the one they want you to live. You can't really live in their home and defy them constantly, so need to recognize the price of independence and pay it rather than expecting them to tolerate you behaving in certain ways while living with them and taking their financial support.

[sophie274]

How are these conversations happening? If she is bringing up your choices, I would say the least possible and simply say that you realize she does not agree with X choice, but that you are doing what is right for you and feel good about your choice, and that it's best for the relationship if you can agree to disagree (or simply not discuss the issue) rather than fight about it.

 

However, if I were doing something that I knew my parents disapproved of, I would do my utmost not to bring it up to them, if I know it is a sore point or will cause a fight. For example, both my parents hate tattoos. If I were to get one, I wouldn't mention it to them, rather than go on and on about it in front of them. In the case that my parents disapproved of sex before marriage, I would not bring up the topic of a sexual relationship with them (even if they were all for it I'd think that's a private topic). I think there is a way to make your own choices and be independent of them without rubbing them in their face.

[RedDress]

I agree. Ultimately, I think the end point that all parties should be striving for is to agree to disagree. You should not be trying to get them to change their views any more than they should be telling you how to live your life. They are entitled to their views just as much as you are entitled to your freedom.

 

A part of respecting their views is to try not to flaunt your choices in their face, IMO. So - if you are a muslim who chooses to drink, for example, personally, I would find it respectful to not drink in their presence (do you REALLY need that beer at that particular moment?) or at least try to minimize it. Of course... I wouldn't lie about it or specifically hide it either. If a conversation about wine comes up and you have something to say - by all means say it. Same for sex before marriage (why is that a topic of conversation anyways?) or even sexual orientation. Let them know what's going on and don't hide your partner - but it would probably be respectful to minimize PDA.

 

In turn, you simply should not engage them in conversation about your choices. They are your choices. They may have whatever opinion they wish but that doesn't mean that you are bound by their opinions. If they try to argue with you about it, they are crossing a boundary and I would just walk away.

 

I think the problems come in when either (or both) parties try to control the situation and get the other party to agree with their views. You aren't going to agree. That will be a never-ending battle full of hurt and drama. You need to accept that they won't like it (and recognize that you don't need their validation) and they need to accept that you are going to do what you want to do.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Yes, don't poke the alligator with a stick so to speak. If you know it is something that you can keep private and something they object to, why even tell them?

 

You have to be careful that spilling certain things to parents you KNOW will upset them doesn't mean you have some deep seated desire to rebel from your parents and 'best' them and prove them wrong. If what you want is peace, then pursue peace, and don't air topics with them that you know will upset them if you can avoid it.

 

So pick your battles, and only have those discussions if you absolutely can't avoid them. But you can probably avoid most of them. For example, if they believe in conservative dress, then don't wear a mini-skirt to their house and dress in a way they would find appropriate when you're around them. And don't get a tattoo where it will be visible to them. And don't drink around them if they don't believe in drinking. And don't tell them you're sleeping with a BF if they don't believe in sex before marriage.

 

You can really prevent a lot of these arguments by applying discretion and flying under the radar whenever possible.

[Seraphim]

You can solve it by simply refusing to discuss lifestyle ,beliefs etc. etc. I know people really want their parents to accept their lifestyles and beliefs but sometimes this does not happen. Just don't bring up the contentious issues and if they do change the subject or walk away.

[wlh22]

Okay. Thanks for all the responses. This may help folks (I was trying to save the info to protect identify). I started shaving my head and I am an Indian. So in my society/culture it is not a common. My mom keeps telling me I should go back to full head of hair. I feel completely comfortable in this style and I had a bit of receding hairline so this style actually makes me feel good/comfortable. I don't talk about it but my mom keeps talking about it almost every month and telling me I should not do this as people/society/culture doesn't like it. it's come to a point I have said, I feel comfortable about it and it is my choice to live now. The issue is I feel she is not getting beyond this point so we keep arguing and then she is not really talking about other things in life. It has been making our relationship even more distant than before. Thanks for all your help people

[Seraphim]

So when she brings it say," I'm not talking to you about that, period. End of story. Discuss it anymore and I'll put down the phone or I won't come over.

[sophie274]

Ooh, I feel you on this. I'm not Indian and none of the points of contention I have with my parents have to do with cultural or religious background, but my mother is the same way. If my mother doesn't like something about my appearance, she won't just say it once. She'll keep badgering me about it over and over and over again. A therapist once told me that part of it might be that she thinks if she just expresses herself differently, makes her point of view clear, that I'll change my mind ... basically that it's because I haven't understood her fully that I'm not yet convinced. So he told me, instead of arguing back, to tell her that I understood perfectly her opinion but that I just disagreed, and that it wasn't up for discussion. Something like "Mum, I know you don't like my hairstyle, but this is how I want to wear my hair. Let's talk about something else." I wouldn't be as confrontational as what Victoria is saying, wouldn't threaten stopping the relationship if she doesn't drop it. I would try to just affirm that you've heard her, and that you're not changing anything without getting sucked into an argument about religion or culture. And then change the subject. This attitude has worked for me over time and my mother has mostly stopped commenting on my appearance because she knows it's pointless.

[lavenderdove]

Tell her that's a modern hair style... lots of people shave their heads these days, even if they're not bald! You also have to be firm as in, 'mother, this is a modern style and i like it and it's my head, so back off'. And if that doesn't work, tell her if she doesn't stop nagging about it, you'll tattoo your head too!

[catfeeder]

The 20 year old me would tell Mom I had lice, so I shaved my head and I'm afraid of growing it back--so she'd better back off until I stabilize emotionally.

 

The 30 year old me would tell Mom that if she makes another comment about seeing less of my hair, she'll end up seeing less of me. Period.

 

The 40 year old me would laugh kindly, thank Mom for her concern, tell her I'll consider that, and ask her opinion on something else to change the subject. Rinse. Repeat as necessary. Possibly throw in a kiss.

 

The 50 year old me would respond the same as the 40 year old, only I'd 'get it' on a whole new level. Poor Mom cares about that stuff, and she cares about me--so what's the point in making her feel lousier with my mouth than she already feels about my hair? I love her. Life is short. Humor your Mother and stay kind--you'll thank yourself later.