Too laid back or no effort ?

[PetiteGirl]

Besides, when he's a/never been to her city and b/ already told her she won't hear from him unless she calls him, it doesn't sound like they just have different expectations from a relationship...it sounds like he's a spoiled kid who doesn't really care.

 

I agree. It sounds like apathy to me. It's the last thing you want if you want to create intimacy in a relationship.

[LonelyGirl10]

It's all about figuring out what you want, communicating that, and then following through with it. I'm in a similar situation. Met a great guy who was giving me lots of attention, and then it dropped off without any specific reason why. I worried about it and analyzed everything. Then last night I told him that I wasn't happy with the way things were, and told him what I needed. Now I'll pay attention to his actions. If he doesn't give me what I need, then I'll end it. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, it just means we're not compatible.

 

It sounds like you need to tell him that you need him to contact you x amount of days during the week. Maybe you initiate half the week, and him initiate half the week. If he won't do that, then you just end it. He's not compatible with you. There are plenty of guys out there, and you'll find someone who is compatible.

 

There may be some girls who are fine with initiating all the time. You don't sound like that's you. So communicate your needs, and then end it if he's not meeting your needs. You can't control him, you can only control yourself. You don't have to stay with someone who isn't meeting your needs.

[wilyone 11]

She has already communicated her needs ad nauseum as indicated in first post:

 

"I have communicated to him more than once that there needs to be effort and communication on both sides."

 

Options are to break up or try to break pattern without nagging or otherwise communicating needs since that hasn't worked.

[Redabc123]

Update So can I just say how right on all of you were right , things did get worse. Last Thursday he still really wasn't communicating. I mean dead silence all day. I waited until he was off work and called we had a great conversation. I pretty much told him my concerns again and that if this continued I wouldn't be happy and neither would he because we would always be back and forth. He did express to me that he was frustrated that he always felt that he had to initiate conversations. I told him that I didn't mind texting or calling first . He then kind of dropped a small bomb in saying that he kind of "shuts down" sometimes. I asked what that meant and he said that he has these periods of time when he just wants to be alone and disappears. I was immediately concerned because I dated someone like that and he ended up completely disappearing with out a reason why. He did say that he is working on it. We ended the conversation saying that we liked each other and we wanted this to work.

 

On Friday, everything was ok. I went to the beach with my family we chatted by text. Saturday things started going down hill. We were texting that afternoon then he disappeared and just stopped texting, I knew he was with his family so I thought maybe things got busy. Sunday comes and I don't hear from him at all, I texted late afternoon that I wanted to talk on the phone because I got some big news about work. He said he would call later. 9 hours went by I asked him if he was free to talk and he responded that " he was at the movies" 3 more hours went by and at this point Im upset. So he finally calls and I blow up at him ( Not yell or raise my voice) but I let everything out and ask if he even wants to be in a relationship and why he didn't make the effort to come down and see me ( Which he said that he would try to) He says that he is getting pissed and wants to talk when were not angry. Monday I had a flight to D.C. but hadn't heard from him so I texted that I was sorry for my blow up but wanted to talk and get through this or not. He sent me text saying he was frustrated because we are fighting so early on in the relationship. Now I agree that I shouldn't have blown up at him and I apologized for that and was so embarrassed. We then decided to work it out and promised to try to talk civilly and try not to fight.

 

Now brings me to day. He has got worse with his texting hasn't called all week. I hear from him during the day but not at night he claims that he falls asleep. Yesterday I texted him because I feel like we had both been busy and not able to chat. I suggested FaceTiming each other online. He said he would love that. I was flying back home so I texted that we should shoot for 9:30, but I got no response so I figured he was busy. I Facetimed him and he didn't answer and I did not hear from him all night.

 

Ok so now I don't know what to do. Im afraid to break up because I don't know if ill be making a mistake or if I'm over reacting. I have really tried to make an effort. I haven't been in a relationship in 3 years and nothing from my past seemed to be this hard. I have been waiting to find someone who is ready for a relationship and Im scared to give it up. I know should have listened when you guys told me to leave him and let him come to me but I didn't now I don't know what to do. Any advice would be great! Im stuck Sorry for the long post

[Redabc123]

Oh and he is updating his Facebook yet he still hasn't replied to my message or why he didn't FaceTime me last night

[lavenderdove]

Honey you are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. And there is a difference between 'laid back' and lazy and irresponsible.

 

What you do now is break up with him. He is not putting in effort to stay in contact with you, and even if you make arrangements to talk at a certain time, he's AWOL.

 

His behavior is telling you a few things:

 

1. He's unreliable. He says he'll do something, then he doesn't do it.

2. His behavior is passive aggressive. He says he wants to try, but then immediately ignores you or reneges on the deal you set up.

3. He is probably power struggling with you to prove he in control of his own time and does not and will not answer to you.

4. He is not interested in staying in close contact with you.

5. He doesn't like having to drive to where you are and makes you do the effort on dates, so is lazy about that. He'll see if you if you make it convenient for him, but otherwise will find something else to do.

6. He is probably a person who has trouble with emotional intimacy, and will do things to create emotional distance because he prefers it that way.

7. He may like the situation where he sees you often enough to get his physical needs met, but he can take or leave emotional closeness and is not too interested in it so doesn't cultivate it.

8. He may well be dating other women local to him and lying to you about that. He keeps disappearing and reneging on plans which is a tale tell sign.

 

I don't think this is the right man for you. He's not addressing your needs, and in fact is doing things that are destined to create emotional distance rather than close it. Even when you have direct talks about it, he doesn't change his behavior at all and goes right back to doing what he wants to do without compromising with you.

 

You do not want to be in pushed into the position of being a constant emotional beggar at his door and the one who does all the work and care and feeding of the relationship.

 

One piece of advice I wish I'd received when young and dating: When you get into a situation where someone is neglecting you, just stop doing anything at all. Stop contacting him, and only respond when he contacts you first. And stop planning dates and asking to see him. See how often he plans dates, and how often he contacts you if you're not contacting him. So if he sends you a text, send a text back. But don't initiate any more conversations until he contacts you again. He contact you, you reply. Then stop, and wait until he contacts you again. You should be in the 'reply only' mode and not the pursuit mode.

 

When you do this, you will see how interested he is (or isn't) in you, and you'll see his natural communication pattern and how emotionally close he does or does not want to be with you. It if not your job to do all the chasing and contacting, and you need to take a big step back to see what his natural pattern is without you doing everything for him. Unless you are happy with the idea that you will spend the rest of your life chasing him and wondering what he is doing and where he is and whether he cares about you.

 

A person who cares about you will fall into a natural rhythm with contact. For example, they will WANT to talk to you every day. And they will initiate their share of contact. And they won't go days without contact if you don't do anything. And they will plan dates and activities, and agree to show up, and do it. It's really very simple. He should be putting the same amount of effort in as you are. It ebbs and flows and sometimes it is more or less, but there should be a relatively equal pattern and one that you are comfortable with.

 

This guy's pattern is to do nothing and sit back and wait for you to chase him. Then if you don't chase him, he criticizes you like you're at fault for not doing all the work and all the contact. That tells you a lot about him, and it is not flattering! He seems to have emotionanal intimacy issues and be playing a power struggle game with you to prove he has a right to do as he pleases while you do all the work, and/or there could be more to this story where he actually does have other woman and is lying about that and goes incognito and won't make plans because he is leaving his options open to fit them in as well.

 

I dated a guy with a similar pattern to your guy, and it did turn out he was juggling women and lying about it. He set up the situation where he demanded it be an expectation that he didn't have to contact me regularly, and that if he didn't 'feel like' communicating he just didn't. But the real reason he didn't was he was with other women!

 

So you need to recognize that what you see is what you get. And do the test, where you just stop contacting him and stop planning and see how often he contacts you and whether he plans dates and is responsible to you or not. During this 'test' period, if he asks you what is wrong, you say, 'oh nothing... i've just been really busy'. Then go back to the pattern of replies only and you not asking to see him or planning any dates for him. If he tries to get you to plan a date, just say, 'why don't you decide since I'm always the one doing it.'

 

See how that ends up, how often he contacts you, how often he asks to see you, whether he plans dates or not. Then decide if that pattern is something you are comfortable with or not. If not, break up with him. You've already had talks trying to get him to compromise with you, so there is nothing more to say on that. If he won't do it, he won't, and you need to find someone who is interested in you emotionally enough to stay in contact and do half the work in the relationship. Some couples like staying in very close contact, some are more independent, and some are emotionally distant and stunted that way. You need a partner who matches your style and is willing to compromise with you rather than someone who behaves as this guy does.

[Redabc123]

Thank you for posting all of that I really appreciate you taking the time to do that. My first thought was that he was cheating. And I say cheating because we both decided to be in a relationship. The only thing that had me go back to him not cheating was his Facebook status that states me and him are in a relationship. I have thought that he might be cheating. I don't know why I'm so afraid to break up with him, right now its making me sick. I just need that extra push because I know its not right. I have that "what if" playing in my head. "What if" things get better. I don't like the way he is treating me but I don't know how to stop caring. This is the first person I have met in 3 years that we share the same interests and the same things.

[lavenderdove]

>>he has these periods of time when he just wants to be alone and disappears.

 

btw, huge, huge, HUGE red flag! Every man I've ever dated with this pattern where they disappear has other women they are seeing on the side (or you are the side girl and just don't know it). There is no excuse at all for 'disappearing' other than being admitted to the hospital. That is a womanizers excuse to buy himself the time and space to juggle multiple women at the same time. Responsible people keep in contact, even if it is just phone calls and texts to let you know where they are and what they are doing. Otherwise they are most likely people living a double life that you are partially only aware of.

 

and another sad possibility: your morning/evening texts have stopped because he's in someone else's bed at that time. Sorry, I hate to say it, but he may think he's now got you on the hook and the wool pulled over your eyes, so he can go back to cultivating other women as well. The womanizers I've known do a big push to get the woman on the hook in the beginning acting like they are all yours, but then once they've got you there, they suddenly start the disappearing act and become far less available and the constant communication and in-advance date planning drops off. They start cancelling on short notice, and refusing to commit to dates way in advance and don't always answer the phone and let a long time elapse between when you call/text them and when you hear back from them.

 

So be warned, his pattern is pretty predictable for men who juggle women, and the distance between where you live gives him a lot of freedom to do as he pleases where you're not around to notice. You have to watch people's actions and not their words, because the actions tell the truer tale!

[Redabc123]

So he is definitely cheating so what do I do, I don't want to seem dramatic but I'm beyond hurt. I mean why even be in a relationship with me? Why not just date the other woman. Im so pissed and hurt

[chr8st8na]

I understand if someone goes off the radar for a day due to stress or busy schedule... hell, i would understand if its 2 days. But needing 'period of times'? That's a large interval of time someone is asking and that equates to someone who wants a 'break' or wants to dump you but dont have the balls to say so.

 

i am not going to assume he has other girls he's dating. there could be other factors but i think at this point, you need to realize theres no fixing someone who cannot communicate with you what's his problem. i also dont think u need to communicate with him that its over because he's avoiding you.

[Redabc123]

I understand if someone goes off the radar for a day due to stress or busy schedule... hell, i would understand if its 2 days. But needing 'period of times'? That's a large interval of time someone is asking and that equates to someone who wants a 'break' or wants to dump you but dont have the balls to say so.

 

i am not going to assume he has other girls he's dating. there could be other factors but i think at this point, you need to realize theres no fixing someone who cannot communicate with you what's his problem. i also dont think u need to communicate with him that its over because he's avoiding you.

 

He definitely has the guts to dump me since he is so honest about other things. So should I just change my status and never speak to him again. I have so many things running through my head. Im hurt. He didn't want to FaceTime he could have just said no, rather than have me look like an idoit. I don't want to embarrass myself or look bad so how do I get out of this or find out whats going on without asking?

[Batya33]

I would give him twice the space he claims to need and have a personal deadline (not communicated to him). Maybe in one week from now if he hasn't stepped up to the plate -meaning acted reliably, no more disappearing without notice, made plans to see you - then you can decide whether to continue. If it's status quo or worse simply send him an email and say "I haven't heard from you and your silences tell me all I need to know. If you would like to talk about this please let me know and I'm sure we can come up with a time to talk".

 

I agree with Lavenderdove other than I wouldn't assume he is cheating -just that he is using his need for space as an excuse to be rude and disrespectful. We all need space at times but when we need space from people we care about we tell them in advance and do our best to give the person an idea of when we'll be back/available. Kindergarten-common sense stuff.

[Redabc123]

Im so confused. I mean why not just break up with me. I have bad anxiety about relationships. The first thing I want to do right now is ask him whats going on? But I know that is the wrong move. He is posting on FB like he is so happy and its making me sick. I will give him the space but I need the willpower. If this isn't going to benefit me what should I do? Has anyone had experience with this. Right now I'm emotional and I don't know why

[PetiteGirl]

I vote for dumping him by changing your facebook status. You've tried to talk to him and he doesn't care. Normal people would make an effort if they care. Hell, your friends probably treat you better. His silence is all you need to know. Dump him now. He is a waste of your time. You always have a choice to not be this miserable.

[faraday]

I didnt hear from him for two weeks and then he called me and his words were: "I havent heard from you for two weeks so decided it was time to take an ACTION". You see, he said ACTION so he knew what he was supposed to do.

Omg, that made me LAUGH. So funny. It's time to take an action!!! I think I'm going to start randomly yelling that at people. I love that. Lol.

[faraday]

I would block him on everything and disappear. Block his email so he can't facetime you...block his number...block his fb...and move on. This is not going to get any better.

 

I wonder how long it would take him to figure out that he's blocked.

[missmarple]

I would have broken up with this guy a LONG time ago, when he had said if he doesn't hear from you, you won't hear from him.

Take back the power and leave this clown. It's only going to get worse the more chances you give him, I promise you.

[dearwriter]

I hate it when a man stop pursuing you and making you special ones they have you. How can they be so stupid.

[Batya33]

I would have broken up with this guy a LONG time ago, when he had said if he doesn't hear from you, you won't hear from him.

Take back the power and leave this clown. It's only going to get worse the more chances you give him, I promise you.

 

I completely agree with this.

[TheOutsider1]

Exactly this. These patterns are too common with "players." In my recent situation, I would not hear from my ex in one or two days. We had each other on Facebook, and I didn't notice any "cheating" activities for a while (8 months later, I did on FB). Aside from FB, i googled his name and I found two dating web sites that he was going on daily. So now I understood why he would take so long to reply and why I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of days sometimes. The taking forever to reply and not hearing from him in a day or more, really is a HUGE red flag. Often we choose to be blind because reality hurts too much. I suspected of the cheating and it took me 8 months to finally see it for myself. Don't worry about "what if" things get better. I worried about that too, and things got worse over time. The longer you wait, the more that it will hurt, and it will take you that much longer to get over it. It's such a huge waste of time

[TheOutsider1]

More time? I'm sorry but no. There has been too much time spent on waiting on this inconsiderate guy. Redabc123, I think that deep down, you know what you have to do, you just need to build up the courage to do it. I'm sorry that you're going through this because it sounds like a lot of torture, I've been there. I'm angry every day because I put up with it for so long, but that's my personal problem and need to find a way of coping better, I just don't want this to happen to you. You really don't deserve to be treated this way. You need to have more self worth and love for yourself.

[TheOutsider1]

Omg, that made me LAUGH. So funny. It's time to take an action!!! I think I'm going to start randomly yelling that at people. I love that. Lol.

 

lmao, right! All two weeks late, then he dicides that "Oh it's about that time to start taking action and contact my girl, who I have not spoken to in two weeks, even though we are not broken up or mad at each other."

[valerie25]

lmao, right! All two weeks late, then he dicides that "Oh it's about that time to start taking action and contact my girl, who I have not spoken to in two weeks, even though we are not broken up or mad at each other."

We weren't mad or broken but I was the only one making effort. So I stopped. The lesson from this experience is that even the LAZIEST man knows how to take an action. If the man puts no effort, a woman needs to move on instead of worrying what is wrong with her or him. Men know what they are supposed to do and if he is lazy, passive, scared or whatever he should be single. Redabc123's guy should be single. He doesn' t deserve her.

[bluebell29]

OP, sorry if I misunderstood the story here but are you expecting contact everyday? It seems like you get anxious if you don't hear from him multiple times a day? Personally even as a girl that would be WAY too much contact for me! Some people need space and feel smothered by too much contact. I may be off-topic here but I am just a bit surprised about the frequency of contact I gathered you were expecting...

[Redabc123]

OP, sorry if I misunderstood the story here but are you expecting contact everyday? It seems like you get anxious if you don't hear from him multiple times a day? Personally even as a girl that would be WAY too much contact for me! Some people need space and feel smothered by too much contact. I may be off-topic here but I am just a bit surprised about the frequency of contact I gathered you were expecting...

 

No I don't expect him to contact me that much, but was my boyfriend. Even a phone call a day would have been nice especially since we were seeing each other once a week. Now he has disappeared without a trace. He has not returned my calls or texts. Him and I never talked all through out the day. I'm so hurt and confused. I know what I have to do but now it's seems like I'll be immunture if I just change my facebook status instead of breaking up like normal. What is he hiding from? If he doesn't want this why not just tell me?