Too laid back or no effort ?

[Redabc123]

Hi guys,

 

So it happened I finally met a great guy, we have a lot in common and have a great time together. We recently made it official and our now a couple but since that has happened, there seems to be in my opinion a lack of effort on his part to keep the sparks going. The good morning texts have stopped, which I loved and he knows that, he never calls unless he is calling me back, but he says he isn't a phone person. We live about an hour from each other and I have gone to see him and all the other times we have met half way, but he hasn't come to my city. Now we haven't been a couple for very long, but because of relationships that haven't worked in the past and since I'm a little rusty and I haven't been in a relationship for two years and he hasn't been in one in a yr I'm paranoid that these little things will turn into problems later. I have communicated to him more than once that there needs to be effort and communication on both sides. He says that he really laid back and just takes things as they come, and I'm a planner. Again, I haven't heard from him this morning, even though we just talked about it yesterday. Before we were official he always made it a point to say hello or good morning or that he thinking of me. I do reach out too so he won't be doing all the work, but now feel like I'm the only one making and effort. I don't want to be controlling or nagging so I'm not sure what to do. I really want things to work out and I like him but don't know how to fix this. Any advice?

[Sportster2005]

Sometimes men see the relationship as the goal and relax once it's achieved. He's courted you and now he has you. No point in continuing to court you. Women generally don't like this

 

A women who had been married fifty years complained to her husband he never said 'I love you' anymore. He said 'do you remember when I said I love you on our wedding night?'. She said 'yes'. He said 'If I change my mind I will let you know'.

[Redabc123]

Sometimes men see the relationship as the goal and relax once it's achieved. He's courted you and now he has you. No point in continuing to court you. Women generally don't like this

 

A women who had been married fifty years complained to her husband he never said 'I love you' anymore. He said 'do you remember when I said I love you on our wedding night?'. She said 'yes'. He said 'If I change my mind I will let you know'.

 

I feel like his behavior is going to annoy me. I don't want to be looked at as a prize that has been won. So basically he will not put in effort? Any advice?

[BigKK]

we don't know what he will do redabc, but many guys will follow suit as previously mentioned by Sportster. Not all, so you can perhaps try to let him know, or tell him you're not satisfied with it and see if it sparks a change. Chances are though, what you see is what you get and you can occasionally motivate him but it won't be long lasting

[missmarple]

We live about an hour from each other and I have gone to see him and all the other times we have met half way, but he hasn't come to my city.

 

I haven't heard from him this morning, even though we just talked about it yesterday.

 

He's not just laid back. He's lazy and inconsiderate..and if he's like this in the beginning of a relationship, it will just get worse with time.

[Redabc123]

He's not just laid back. He's lazy and inconsiderate..and if he's like this in the beginning of a relationship, it will just get worse with time.

 

And that's my fear, I feel like he is going to push me away. I have dropped hints but I don't think he gets it. I have been controlling in other relationships as far as telling the guy how I want him to be. I don't want to be that way anymore,I don't want to coach him he is a grown man. So now I don't know what to do, should I just step back and see if he steps forward? He also told me if he doesn't hear from me I won't hear from him, which really bothered me

[Batya33]

I would do half the work and that's it. Do you have standing plans for every weekend where all you need to do is decide the place and time? If you do then no more work needed- but if you have to make plans with other people too and he won't commit or follow through simply tell him nicely "I need to know by x day if you're available and if you're not then I'll make my plans on my own and if it works out that you can join, great. I would choose my battles as far as planning but don't confront -simply tell him when you need to know by for specific plans and then do your own thing.

 

No need to have good morning or hello texts. Let him miss you and see what it's like not to hear from you. As far as the comment he made about not calling you I wouldn't like that at all but give it a little more of a chance and see if he comes around.

[Redabc123]

We have been hanging out every weekend, this weekend my parents in invited him to a BBQ at there house to celebrate my dad's birthday. He hasn't given me a direct answer. He said he was nervous honestly if he doesn't make the effort to come then that's a major problem. I'm not going to do half of the work and see if it helps, honestly it scares me that these problems are already starting

[Sportster2005]

And that's my fear, I feel like he is going to push me away. I have dropped hints but I don't think he gets it. I have been controlling in other relationships as far as telling the guy how I want him to be. I don't want to be that way anymore,I don't want to coach him he is a grown man. So now I don't know what to do, should I just step back and see if he steps forward? He also told me if he doesn't hear from me I won't hear from him, which really bothered me

 

If men make the mistake of taking women for granted, I find women make the mistake of expecting men to be mind readers. Hints don't cut it. Have an adult sit down conversation. You're in a relationship now. Tell him your expectations and concerns. This idea that women(some,most?) think men should just know is wrong and probably the basis of 90% of conflict. We are not stupid or inconsiderate. We just don't read minds. Men and women think differently. That is the reality we have to deal with.

[Batya33]

We have been hanging out every weekend, this weekend my parents in invited him to a BBQ at there house to celebrate my dad's birthday. He hasn't given me a direct answer. He said he was nervous honestly if he doesn't make the effort to come then that's a major problem. I'm not going to do half of the work and see if it helps, honestly it scares me that these problems are already starting

 

Then this situation is not about planning -he is too nervous to go. Can you let him off the hook since you two have not been together that long? Go to the BBQ and see him a different time.

[Redabc123]

If men make the mistake of taking women for granted, I find women make the mistake of expecting men to be mind readers. Hints don't cut it. Have an adult sit down conversation. You're in a relationship now. Tell him your expectations and concerns. This idea that women(some,most?) think men should just know is wrong and probably the basis of 90% of conflict. We are not stupid or inconsiderate. We just don't read minds. Men and women think differently. That is the reality we have to deal with.

 

I have had the sit down talk with him and spoken to him yesterday about it, I don't want to keep telling him because then it's going to seem like I'm being controlling. Hopefully things progress

[Redabc123]

Then this situation is not about planning -he is too nervous to go. Can you let him off the hook since you two have not been together that long? Go to the BBQ and see him a different time.

 

He hasn't given me answer yet, but then I won't see him at all until the following weekend. I don't want to keep driving to where he lives, since hasn't made the effort to come to where I am

[missmarple]

He also told me if he doesn't hear from me I won't hear from him, which really bothered me

 

And you're still with him? This is NOT laid back behaviour. Frankly, if a guy said that to me, I'd tell him where to go...and in no uncertain terms

[PetiteGirl]

He hasn't given me answer yet, but then I won't see him at all until the following weekend. I don't want to keep driving to where he lives, since hasn't made the effort to come to where I am

 

Have you tried just telling him that you want him to come down and see you? I don't think he'll get it unless you ask him to drive to where you live on a specific day. He sounds lazy and dimmed when it comes to pleasing a woman. He shouldn't be in a relationship if he's not willing to put in the effort to make you happy.

[Redabc123]

Have you tried just telling him that you want him to come down and see you? I don't think he'll get it unless you ask him to drive to where you live on a specific day. He sounds lazy and dimmed when it comes to pleasing a woman. He shouldn't be in a relationship if he's not willing to put in the effort to make you happy.

 

Last night I told him I wanted him to come down and that if he didn't feel comfortable going to my family's BBQ then him and I could do something. He said that his family was planning some traditional shrimp boil thing. I asked him if it was on Sunday which is the day of the BBQ and he said I'm not sure. To me it seemed like he was making an excuse not to come here even before knowing whether or not he would be free. I wish him a goodnight and went to bed. He said I hope your not mad, but honestly I'm disappointed there was no effort. Am I over reacting?

[Batya33]

Did he invite you to his family's gathering?

[valerie25]

No, you are not overreacting. But nagging and pushing him is not helpful either. If he doesn't want to come, then go alone and enjoy BBQ with your family. Is he the only source of your happiness? Show him that you can be on your own. If he is serious about the relationship, he will figure out that spending time together is important. If not, then you will have to reconsider your relationship and if he is a right person for you.

[chr8st8na]

I do think most men setlled down after they got you. What really works is space. You have to make them miss you only for them to act all honey moon with you again... then they settled back down again. ugh yea the cycle repeats.

 

However if someone say "if i dont hear from you, you wont hear from me" well... sounds like someone who doesnt want a relationship because in relationships, you invest and you sacrifice.

[Redabc123]

Did he invite you to his family's gathering?

 

No he didn't and I haven't heard from him all day

[Batya33]

Then I would not mention the BBQ again and since he won't commit to seeing you this weekend, plan on going to the BBQ.

[missmarple]

How long have you been official?

[Redabc123]

No, you are not overreacting. But nagging and pushing him is not helpful either. If he doesn't want to come, then go alone and enjoy BBQ with your family. Is he the only source of your happiness? Show him that you can be on your own. If he is serious about the relationship, he will figure out that spending time together is important. If not, then you will have to reconsider your relationship and if he is a right

person for you.

 

I didn't nag him or push him I just asked and I gave a suggestion that he wasn't comfortable to meet my family that him and I could do something alone. He isn't the source of my happiness but I do want this to work. And now I don't feel like it's going to

[Redabc123]

How long have you been official?

 

This is only the 2nd week

[Redabc123]

Then I would not mention the BBQ again and since he won't commit to seeing you this weekend, plan on going to the BBQ.

 

I was going to go, but I wanted to give the option of seeing me too

[Redabc123]

I do think most men setlled down after they got you. What really works is space. You have to make them miss you only for them to act all honey moon with you again... then they settled back down again. ugh yea the cycle repeats.

 

However if someone say "if i dont hear from you, you wont hear from me" well... sounds like someone who doesnt want a relationship because in relationships, you invest and you sacrifice.

 

I agree my stomach dropped when he said that, he was like I won't chase you. And he also said that he has lost relationships over it, so he recognizes that this could damage what were trying to build.