Too laid back or no effort ?

[Batya33]

I agree my stomach dropped when he said that, he was like I won't chase you. And he also said that he has lost relationships over it, so he recognizes that this could damage what were trying to build.

 

No one should chase anyone. Calling each other should be a natural impulse if you're a couple -some couples talk every day (or more than) and some not but it's not about chasing.

[Redabc123]

No one should chase anyone. Calling each other should be a natural impulse if you're a couple -some couples talk every day (or more than) and some not but it's not about chasing.

I agree but whenever I don't hear from him I'm always the one to see how he is. I know haven't heard from him all day. I'm getting more mad by the minute. I just don't feel like he stepping up to plate or making effort to make this work. Should I just break up with him? I don't want to be with someone is making me sad. I have tried communicating with him but I don't feel like he is getting it. So at this point I don't see this working if he doesn't make the effort too. What should I do?

[valerie25]

I didn't nag him or push him I just asked and I gave a suggestion that he wasn't comfortable to meet my family that him and I could do something alone. He isn't the source of my happiness but I do want this to work. And now I don't feel like it's going to

 

How about backing off and letting him step up? Stop suggesting, stop driving, stop inviting and see what he has to offer you...

[missmarple]

This is only the 2nd week

 

Well, if it's only the second week, it doesn't seem so strange that he wouldn't feel comfortable around your parents. However, the thing is: is it because he's not comfortable or because he's just too lazy to drive over to your city?

[Redabc123]

How about backing off and letting him step up? Stop suggesting, stop driving, stop inviting and see what he has to offer you...

 

I agree, but now it's been all day that I haven't heard from him. What should I do?

[Redabc123]

Well, if it's only the second week, it doesn't seem so strange that he wouldn't feel comfortable around your parents. However, the thing is: is it because he's not comfortable or because he's just too lazy to drive over to your city?

 

I understand the parent thing since it's so soon, but he never even made the effort to say I'll try and see what I can do.

[valerie25]

I agree, but now it's been all day that I haven't heard from him. What should I do?

 

Nothing. Do something for yourself instead?

[missmarple]

I agree, but now it's been all day that I haven't heard from him. What should I do?

 

Nothing. Do nothing. If he doesn't contact you again, on his own, forget him and move on.

[valerie25]

Redabc123 this situation is for you to see who he really is. I know that you want things to work out, but dont be afraid to lose a man. I have once dated a guy and I used to be a planner. Then I got tired of it. And stopped. I didnt hear from him for two weeks and then he called me and his words were: "I havent heard from you for two weeks so decided it was time to take an ACTION". You see, he said ACTION so he knew what he was supposed to do. Men can be lazy but by doing things for them you make them even lazier. If this guy is serious, he will know what to do. If he doesnt want to make any effort, then you say bye to him because in the end he will add no value to your life anyway.

[TheOutsider1]

If men make the mistake of taking women for granted, I find women make the mistake of expecting men to be mind readers. Hints don't cut it. Have an adult sit down conversation. You're in a relationship now. Tell him your expectations and concerns. This idea that women(some,most?) think men should just know is wrong and probably the basis of 90% of conflict. We are not stupid or inconsiderate. We just don't read minds. Men and women think differently. That is the reality we have to deal with.

 

Oh, it's not common sense to not take your partner for granted? It's funny. When women speak up about how they are treated, they are told that they are nagging and controlling, and if they don't speak up, they are told that they assume too much and that the men are not mind readers. It's like a lose, lose for us women, interesting...

[TheOutsider1]

I agree but whenever I don't hear from him I'm always the one to see how he is. I know haven't heard from him all day. I'm getting more mad by the minute. I just don't feel like he stepping up to plate or making effort to make this work. Should I just break up with him? I don't want to be with someone is making me sad. I have tried communicating with him but I don't feel like he is getting it. So at this point I don't see this working if he doesn't make the effort too. What should I do?

 

I was in your situation. The first couple of months, the guy was amazing. Once he had me, he got very lazy and I waited for things to get better, and guess what? 8 months later and here I am telling you about it. It got worse over time, so I finally got the courage to leave him. Its been almost 2 months and I'm struggling to get over him. I'd say you're lucky if you can get out now before you get really attached. When he told you that you won't hear from him if you don't contact him, he pretty much told you that you're gonna have to put all of the effort because either way, he's just gonna sit back and not pitch in. The guy must be very comfortable with you now because he really believes that he has you and he's confident that you will just put up with it. Prove him wrong and kick him to the curve!

[Redabc123]

I'm afraid of that but I really do feel like this could work, so if he wants to break up with me then it's going to be his call. I feel like I'd be lying to myself to break up with him for not contacting me because I know it will hurt me more. I gave in and contacted by textwhich I totally regret, but he did reply with a phone call which was a plus, he said he thought I was mad at him since he didn't hear from me all day. I felt great about the phone call until this morning when I didn't hear from him again. So now I'm back at square one. But I think the best I can do is nothing right?

[Redabc123]

How did you go 2 weeks without talking? Did you assume you weren't in a relationship? I think I'm more annoyed than anything because we discussed it.

[valerie25]

How did you go 2 weeks without talking? Did you assume you weren't in a relationship? I think I'm more annoyed than anything because we discussed it.

 

Yes. The relationship was one- sided anyway. I got busy with my life. Went to see my friend in London. And didn't worry about him. When he contacted me, I told him all what I had done and I could hear he was surprised. This relationship didn't work in the end but I learnt that you should never make a guy a center of your world no matter how much you love him and want the relationship to work. If he is interested, he will make sure he is in your life. But you need to let him do it.

[valerie25]

I'm afraid of that but I really do feel like this could work, so if he wants to break up with me then it's going to be his call. I feel like I'd be lying to myself to break up with him for not contacting me because I know it will hurt me more. I gave in and contacted by textwhich I totally regret, but he did reply with a phone call which was a plus, he said he thought I was mad at him since he didn't hear from me all day. I felt great about the phone call until this morning when I didn't hear from him again. So now I'm back at square one. But I think the best I can do is nothing right?

 

He sounds manipulative. He wasn't afraid you were mad at him he just acted on: "If I don't hear from you, you are not going to hear from me". How old are you, guys?

[Redabc123]

He sounds manipulative. He wasn't afraid you were mad at him he just acted on: "If I don't hear from you, you are not going to hear from me". How old are you, guys?

 

I'm in 28 and he is 26. Honestly I like him but my needs aren't getting met and I think you guys are right in saying that it will get worse. I don't have a lot of friends and I'm about to be off for the summer. I don't want to push or nag but apart of me doesn't want to let it go since I have been waiting to be in a relationship

[TheOutsider1]

I'm afraid of that but I really do feel like this could work, so if he wants to break up with me then it's going to be his call. I feel like I'd be lying to myself to break up with him for not contacting me because I know it will hurt me more. I gave in and contacted by textwhich I totally regret, but he did reply with a phone call which was a plus, he said he thought I was mad at him since he didn't hear from me all day. I felt great about the phone call until this morning when I didn't hear from him again. So now I'm back at square one. But I think the best I can do is nothing right?

 

Do nothing as in DON'T put in all of the effort. If he's not contacting you, don't contact him either.

[Batya33]

I'm in 28 and he is 26. Honestly I like him but my needs aren't getting met and I think you guys are right in saying that it will get worse. I don't have a lot of friends and I'm about to be off for the summer. I don't want to push or nag but apart of me doesn't want to let it go since I have been waiting to be in a relationship

 

You are right that he's not playing nicely in the sandbox. I agree with Valerie's approach. You want to be in a reciprocal relationship, right?

[wilyone 11]

Wow. I can't believe he said that if you don't call him you won't hear from him.

 

I don't think you are going to change this guy. He has probably had issues with this in the past and is being very honest and direct with you. Like, if you want to be in a relationship with me you will need to initiate and plan.

 

Decide if he is worth it to you. It sounds like one of your fundamental needs is to be CHERISHED and that won't be met in this relationship. You will be unhappy.

 

Nagging never ever works. If you want to try to change him you would have to be willing to lose him and start gradually cutting back on your contact with him. It is okay to go days and weeks without contacting a loved one. Couples used to go months and years without contact before technology. You can't be afraid of the silent times. If his feelings are strong enough, he will eventually reach out. Then you have to praise him and say how wonderful it feels to hear from him. PRAISE the behavior that you like and ignore behavior you don't like. That is the only way to encourage someone to change.

 

Also, whatever you focus on in life is what you create more of. It is a law of the universe. Stop focusing so much attention on what you don't like in your boyfriend. It is the kiss of death in relationships. In the beginning, we see each other through rose colored glasses and it is a great gift to each other. Then, we spend all our time complaining about what we don't like. And we're surprised when our relationships end.

[missmarple]

It is okay to go days and weeks without contacting a loved one. Couples used to go months and years without contact before technology.

 

Key words: before technology.

 

When there is the phone, the cell phone, the net, etc etc etc, how is it 'okay' to go days or, even worse, WEEKS, without contacting your boyfriend/girlfriend??

Sure, it was ok 100 years ago because there was NO WAY to contact a loved one who didn't live close to you. But today? When someone can reach out to you and they don't = they are extremely lazy or not interested.

 

If his feelings are strong enough, he will eventually reach out. Then you have to praise him and say how wonderful it feels to hear from him.

 

So, if he reaches out, say, 2 weeks after their last date, she should praise him??? LOL, I must be doing something wrong because if I were in a relationship with someone and he went 2 weeks without talking to me, I'd tell him to go @$%%^ himself

[wilyone 11]

Key words: before technology.

 

When there is the phone, the cell phone, the net, etc etc etc, how is it 'okay' to go days or, even worse, WEEKS, without contacting your boyfriend/girlfriend??

Sure, it was ok 100 years ago because there was NO WAY to contact a loved one who didn't live close to you. But today? When someone can reach out to you and they don't = they are extremely lazy or not interested.

 

So, if he reaches out, say, 2 weeks after their last date, she should praise him??? LOL, I must be doing something wrong because if I were in a relationship with someone and he went 2 weeks without talking to me, I'd tell him to go @$%%^ himself

 

She may have to go weeks without contacting him if she wants stick it out and break this pattern. She was nervous about going a day without contact. I was just saying it's okay, the sky isn't going to fall. The relationship won't die b/c he didn't hear from her for 3 weeks.

 

And yes, if she goes silent and he actually picks up the phone and calls she should be warm and encouraging, not act all hostile because it took two weeks. The pleasant attitude will encourage him to do it again. Hostility will make him say "To Hell With It".

[missmarple]

She was nervous about going a day without contact. I was just saying it's okay, the sky isn't going to fall. The relationship won't die b/c he didn't hear from her for 3 weeks.

 

Have you had many relationships that lasted when it took 3 weeks to talk to each other...when there wasn't a serious reason for it (illness, distance and no means of communication, a fight, etc)?

 

Sure, the sky won't fall after one day. But after 3 weeks? That, to me, isn't a relationship at all.

[valerie25]

Have you had many relationships that lasted when it took 3 weeks to talk to each other...when there wasn't a serious reason for it (illness, distance and no means of communication, a fight, etc)?

 

Sure, the sky won't fall after one day. But after 3 weeks? That, to me, isn't a relationship at all.

 

I agree, it doesn't feel like a relationship. In the end, it is Redabc123 who should decide what her values and needs are. If it is "a man and relationship at any cost" or being single, not frustrated and free to meet other man. He is who he is and either she accepts him for who he is or she needs to let him go. Nagging, asking and trying to change him will rather not work. It will only push him more away.

[wilyone 11]

Have you had many relationships that lasted when it took 3 weeks to talk to each other...when there wasn't a serious reason for it (illness, distance and no means of communication, a fight, etc)?

 

Sure, the sky won't fall after one day. But after 3 weeks? That, to me, isn't a relationship at all.

 

Well what she has now is making her miserable. She can either accept him the way he is or pull back for periods of time to see if they can break this pattern. Nagging will not work.

 

And yes I've had a few good relationships where one or both parties stepped back for a bit to give it breathing space. But I am very independent so I don't mind space.

[missmarple]

And yes I've had a few good relationships where one or both parties stepped back for a bit to give it breathing space. But I am very independent so I don't mind space.

 

Breathing space is understandable in a long term relationship. But I don't think it's a matter of space here.

They already live one hour away from each other and they've only been in a relationship for 2 weeks and meet on the weekends...in this case, the relationship can't grow if they don't even talk to each other. Besides, when he's a/never been to her city and b/ already told her she won't hear from him unless she calls him, it doesn't sound like they just have different expectations from a relationship...it sounds like he's a spoiled kid who doesn't really care.