Too laid back or no effort ?

[bluebell29]

No I don't expect him to contact me that much, but was my boyfriend. Even a phone call a day would have been nice especially since we were seeing each other once a week. Now he has disappeared without a trace. He has not returned my calls or texts. Him and I never talked all through out the day. I'm so hurt and confused. I know what I have to do but now it's seems like I'll be immunture if I just change my facebook status instead of breaking up like normal. What is he hiding from? If he doesn't want this why not just tell me?

 

Maybe he feels pressured for so much contact. If someone told me they want me to contact them everyday, I know I would fee pressured...but there maybe something else up. I would leave him one text saying that you need more contact and sorry but it just won't work if he avoids you and if you can't meet each others' needs. Then just go NC.

[Batya33]

No I don't expect him to contact me that much, but was my boyfriend. Even a phone call a day would have been nice especially since we were seeing each other once a week. Now he has disappeared without a trace. He has not returned my calls or texts. Him and I never talked all through out the day. I'm so hurt and confused. I know what I have to do but now it's seems like I'll be immunture if I just change my facebook status instead of breaking up like normal. What is he hiding from? If he doesn't want this why not just tell me?

 

Could be many reasons or no real reasons. Just take care of you. I think a phone call a day is great if that works for the couple. It's not great if one person feels obligated unless there's a real reason (for example, we've never really discussed it but I think my husband and I feel we should check in once a day because we have a child - our real reason is just to say a quick hello or a longer one if he is traveling but I know if he didn't hear from me all day he might worry and I might feel the same). When we were dating we were both phone people and really enjoyed our nightly conversations (and we often spoke during the day or emailed). Never felt I needed to keep score as to who called who -it was more a practical matter or related to when a tv show was ending!

[faraday]

But you do things for people. My bf has a very strong phone avoidance. When we first started dating, I would only hear from him to plan dates. Even if I texted him, it would take him 12-24 hours to respond. I thought he's just not that into me...and I gave him that talk....where I said, "When I don't hear from you, I don't feel like you care. I don't feel connected." And guess what? I hear from him multiple times a day now.

 

This is the beginning. The OP's bf is trying to impress her right now. This is him at his absolute best. And if she says, "I'd like it if you did this." if he likes her...he'll do it. This guy? He's not into her....or he'd be trying to impress her.

 

OP: it sucks when things like this happen. It's not immature to cut your losses and move on. If he's not returning calls, how are you supposed to end things with him? Just delete and block him on fb and eat a pint of Ben and Jerrys and watch the notebook (to drool at Ryan Gosling, but also to see what men do for women they want to be with)...and sign up for a yoga class. This passive aggressive idiot isn't worth your sadness.

 

OP, sorry if I misunderstood the story here but are you expecting contact everyday? It seems like you get anxious if you don't hear from him multiple times a day? Personally even as a girl that would be WAY too much contact for me! Some people need space and feel smothered by too much contact. I may be off-topic here but I am just a bit surprised about the frequency of contact I gathered you were expecting...

[lavenderdove]

Darling, what is going on is he is grooming you to accept the fact that is it ok to disappear whenever he wants (for cheating or anything else, doesn't matter), and that he isn't accountable to you at all and even if he sets up a time to chat with you, he doesn't even have to bother to do it. He's grooming you to accept it is OK if he treats you badly and testing you to see if you'll put up with his b.s.

 

So what you do is... nothing at all! Don't call, don't text, nothing. You've already learned what kind of relationship he wants, and it is a nebulous one at best, and he's a potential womanizer at worst.

 

If you confront him again he'll say the same things he always says: he was busy, he forgot, he needs his space, you need to trust him, blah blah blah. But the bottom line is you've already talked about this and he is unwilling to try to work with you or change his behavior, and is actively snubbing you when you attempt to set up times to talk to him. So just ignore, ignore, ignore. If you are not comfortable with dumping him by ignoring him, then just send him an email that says that you and he have large and obvious differences in terms of how much connection you should have to each other and how much time you should spend together, and he can't even be bothered to contact you when he says he will, so it is better to just move on. Then block him and be done with it.

 

I know it is hard because you thought you had a fish firmly on the line, but truly, this is not a fish that you want, and you haven't really landed him at all if he is blowing you off, disappearing, refusing to stay in contact. He's letting you know that you're an occasional option for him when he has nothing better to do. You need someone who is more interested in you than that, someone who cares about your feelings, and someone who treats you with respect and kindness rather than ignoring and avoiding you and being rude and unconcerned about you by standing you up when he says he'll contact you.

[lavenderdove]

btw, I'm really really sorry.... I know how much this hurts and how confused it can make you. Most women have been involved with someone who does this at some point in their lives, and it is really confusing until you realize that the guys words are absolutely insincere and don't match their actions at all. They'll say all kinds of things, but the reality of their behavior is pretty bad and abysmal and leaves you feeling unloved, unwanted, and totally confused because how they are acting totally contradicts their words and promises.

 

You would never act this way because you are honest and don't say something unless you mean it and mean to follow thru with it, but there are unfortunately tons of people who are two-faced and selfish and use words to manipulate other people with no reference to the truth or their true intentions.

 

So review his behavior. Compare it to his words. They won't match, and the second you get someone that on the hook, you throw them back or they'll just cause you endless misery or heartbreak. They are constantly blowing smoke and lying/manipulating and you never know what is true or not. You can't live like that, which is why you are so upset now. It's the effect of this on you, and you will only feel better once you let him go. You need to find an honest and honorable guy, not someone who lies and manipulates you and stands you up when he's got something/someone better to do than you.

 

And you SHOULD be furious that he was happily posting on FB at the same time he'd agreed to FaceTime with you. he had no excuse for not calling you when he'd agreed to, other than he didn't feel like it, and didn't care that you were sitting around waiting for him and wondering why he didn't call you. That tells you so much about him, and it is very unpleasant. This is not the guy for you!

[faraday]

"Action expresses priority."

 

Words are meaningless. Talk is cheap. It's what a person does that shows who they are.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk