Help me Please

[Maureen19]

my boyfriend and I are having some issues with him being very insecure, and I am going to Spain in the morning with my parents for a four day trip,

I haven't told him this yet, because he doesn't like when I go somewhere without him or spending without him, I know this sounds very bad. But he reacts in very bad ways, if I have to go somewhere because my parents have said, he doesn't talk to me and says that you don't love me or I don't spend time with him. He can turn very rude towards me and starts calling me names, and starts to say bad things, I have been wanting to say, it was booked a week ago, a last minute holiday, I need to tell him, but I have been very worried too,

 

Please can I have some guidance of how to go about this please?? Thank you

I know this is very little and I should of said, but I am fearful of him... it is starting to make me feel a unwell

[somechick99]

You should not be afraid of your own boyfriend yet alone communicating something as simple as a four-day trip with your freakin' family.

 

This guy has mental and emotional issues you will never be able to fix. Get out of that relationship!!

[Kendahke]

Stop being afraid of telling your boyfriend to back off.

 

It's really too bad if he doesn't like for you to go someplace without him... and it's really too bad if your parents want you to go someplace with them and he doesn't get to go. It bees like that sometimes... it's called "family time", and he's not a part of your family. He will have to get over it.

 

If you are fearful of him, then you need to talk to your father about it and quit keeping it to yourself. Guys like that do kill their girlfriends, you know.

 

If he's mad, then he can be mad and be out of your life. If he acts stupid, then file a restraining order against him for him to stay away from you and your family. Your'e going to have to put some steel in your spine and stop allowing him to control you.

 

Have your dad tell him that you're going on holiday with your family and if he has something to say about it, to say it to him (your dad). I'll bet he'll back down.

 

You seriously need to tell your father what is going on. He's there to protect you and he cant' do that if you keep this secret from him.

 

You also need to leave this guy alone. I'm serious about that.

[Xylitol]

A relationship is not a prison sentence. You cannot forcefully 'find a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world' (like the song goes). You have the right to spend time with your family. A good relationship is about being together but also enabling the other to do their own thing.

 

However this is difficult for people who think that a relationship is about 100% being together, its impossible whether you goto work, vacation etc etc. They are control freaks and don't know how to let go. On the other hand, why can your bf not come along? U didn't really mention about that. I think that in a good relationship you would try to include your loved one in the activities that you participate in.

 

How to deal with it?

 

Well, Taking a strong stand. You see your bf is afraid of losing you, and will use violence, threats, and all kinds of things in order to resort 'having control over you'. The fact that you live in fear is already a sign of controlling behavior, fear of losing him, fear of getting bad remarks thrown at you.

 

It's a control game, who is in control over your life, you or him? Once it becomes him, you'll lose control over your life and you'll be in a unhappy relationship, you want to be with him, but you don't want him to control you.

 

So its all about "not tolerating bad behavior" , its really more like educating a baby, that mommy is going to leave, but mommy is going to come back so don't worry.

 

So on the one hand, you have to say " i am going to do my own thing " , and on the other hand you have to comfort saying " don't worry, i'll contact you every day, and i am going to come back. If he complains say, look i am a free person, and i stand and walk wherever i want.

 

And if he threatens to leave, just let him go so he can learn to become more mature about it. It might feel bad, but what matters more is that you win the conversation. Otherwise your life will be a living hell serving in a prison you do not want to be in, nor deserve.

 

Stand ground, and go visit your parents, even if it makes him angry or makes him break up with you. To hell with people that try to keep you a prisoner. Loving someone, doesn't mean submitting to a hostage situation, free yourself.

[metrogirl]

If your boyfriend makes you feel fearful, he is not a good boyfriend.

[Kendahke]

However this is difficult for people who think that a relationship is about 100% being together, its impossible whether you goto work, vacation etc etc. They are control freaks and don't know how to let go. On the other hand, why can your bf not come along? U didn't really mention about that. I think that in a good relationship you would try to include your loved one in the activities that you participate in.

 

He was probably not invited because of the cost and because he's not family and therefore her parents chose the perfectly acceptable path of not extending an invitation to him. Perhaps he's with the daughter so dang much that a family vacation elsewhere without him is the only solution her parents have to spend time with THEIR child without the distractions and stupidity her boyfriend brings.

 

Coddling a numbskull like this only makes them amp up their manipulation game and makes them feel as if they've got a right to act a fool.

[Maureen19]

I also compete in a sport, and he says that takes up my life, I don't have time for him, but I spend more time with him than any other person. He makes me feel bad, that I have done something wrong. He disagrees about me seeing friends, saying I don't want to be with him but with my friends instead.

He is jealous too, commenting about what I wear (and I dress decently) and he doesn't like any boy talking to me at all, he says he will tell them to go away or he would beat them up, because they looked at me.

 

As a person he is a lovely boy, but as this relationship has moved forward he has shown his insecurities...

[mhowe]

He is not a lovely boy. He is a manipulative, controlling, jealous twit.

[itsallgrand]

You come accross as a doormat, honestly.

 

If you have to go somewhere because your parents have said? Umm, no because you choose to go with them. You don't tell him because you are scared? Um no, because you choose not to speak your mind to him and be open with him.

 

It's as simple as sitting him down and telling him "This isn't working out".

[DancingFool]

Your boyfriend is a mean, controlling, abusive jerk. Your are afraid of him - that is your clue to get the heck away from him immediately. Do not become yet another abuse victim. What he is doing is way being just a little insecurity. His behavior toward you is abusive and controlling and that is not going to get better, it will only get worse with time. Don't be a fool and don't get or stay involved with men like that.

[amipushy]

Your boyfriend is a mean, controlling, abusive jerk. Your are afraid of him - that is your clue to get the heck away from him immediately. Do not become yet another abuse victim. What he is doing is way being just a little insecurity. His behavior toward you is abusive and controlling and that is not going to get better, it will only get worse with time. Don't be a fool and don't get or stay involved with men like that.

 

I agree. His behaviour will get worse as time goes by. He is NOT insecure, he is an abusive controller and pretty soon you will become the prisoner of his paranoid control. He will make you feel bad for spending time away from him, he will want to know where you have been, time you when you go to the shops, check your phone, tell you that your parents are against him (and you), that nobody understands the 'special' relationship that you have and guilt you into stopping seeing your friends and family. You will hide things from him (you already are) for fear of his reaction, you will start walking silently with your head down for fear of his reaction to you looking at or talking to other people. Once he has isolated you, he will have you right where he wants you and you will live in fear or staying or leaving. That is no life for anyone.

 

I suggest that you dump him tonight and tell your parents what you have done and how he really is with you, then go away with them and let them look out for you. When away and when you get back dont answer his calls, dont answer any calls from other people who may call on his behalf (a common guilt trip from an abuser losing grip). Dont meet him ever again. Be firm that its over and do not offer any 'maybe in the future' because he will see it as a chance to up the pressure.

[Kendahke]

I also compete in a sport, and he says that takes up my life, I don't have time for him, but I spend more time with him than any other person. He makes me feel bad, that I have done something wrong. He disagrees about me seeing friends, saying I don't want to be with him but with my friends instead.

He is jealous too, commenting about what I wear (and I dress decently) and he doesn't like any boy talking to me at all, he says he will tell them to go away or he would beat them up, because they looked at me.

 

As a person he is a lovely boy, but as this relationship has moved forward he has shown his insecurities...

 

Do not quit sports

 

Do not get rid of your friends

 

Wear what you feel comfortable wearing

 

Talk to any guy you wish

 

DO NOT GIVE UP ONE IOTA OF YOUR LIFE TO APPEASE HIM OR TO KEEP THE PEACE.

TELL HIM TO GET LOST IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.

 

You are not trained as a therapist nor are you equipped to help him with his "insecurities"---which, btw, this isn't. He's an abusive, controlling, manipulative jerk, not insecure, and he's found easy prey with you because you're turning yourself inside out to excuse him and his behavior. It is not fit for him to tell you how to conduct your life in any way. That is your parent's place if anyone's. Your boyfriend does not support you, does not pay for your existence, does not provide for you in any way shape or form. Therefore, he does not get a vote or a say in how you conduct yourself. If he doesn't like it, he can bounce.

 

You cannot possibly be that hard up for affection that you'll settle for this?

 

I'll bet you still haven't said anything to your dad about this, have you?

[Maureen19]

Thank you for your replies, I am so grateful,

 

I told him and he went so mad and started to call me names etc.. Not nice names at all,

 

He said we are over, which i felt sad about but thinking of the advice I thought it is best and to move on,

 

But now the second day in Spain, he is saying he misses me and wants me back, he won't stop contacting me,

Now I am so confused

[mhowe]

Stop being confused and reread this thread.

[Maureen19]

Yes I have, it makes me think real again, Thank you x

[HeartGoesOn]

Thank you for your replies, I am so grateful,

 

I told him and he went so mad and started to call me names etc.. Not nice names at all,

 

He said we are over, which i felt sad about but thinking of the advice I thought it is best and to move on,

 

 

But now the second day in Spain, he is saying he misses me and wants me back, he won't stop contacting me,

Now I am so confused

 

He's working at every angle possible in order to keep the upper hand. Place a higher value on yourself, and leave him in the dust. You deserve better....

[DancingFool]

Thank you for your replies, I am so grateful,

 

I told him and he went so mad and started to call me names etc.. Not nice names at all,

 

He said we are over, which i felt sad about but thinking of the advice I thought it is best and to move on,

 

But now the second day in Spain, he is saying he misses me and wants me back, he won't stop contacting me,

Now I am so confused

 

Please just block him. Guys like him pull this tactic all the time. He can't believe you actually left him and feels out of control. He will cry, rage, beg, even con other people to beg on his behalf, he'll make the sweetest promises and tell you nicest lies, he'll literally do and say ANYTHING to try and get you back in his grip. Make no mistake though, it's not love and it's not caring - this is all about his ego and desire to control you.

 

Block from all means of contacting you - phone, e-mails, FB, any other ways and let him con back into being with him. Please stay strong.

[Xylitol]

read "i miss you" as " i want to control you " . Its not enough, he has to say " i am ok with you visiting your parents" , otherwise it really means he hasn't changed one bit.

 

People who do this aren't strong people. They just step over others to feel better themselves. They need to be told off that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated, and put back in place where they belong. Namely that everyone should be treated as an equal and in a equally correct manner.

 

Bad behavior should be immediately adressed and corrected.

[Kendahke]

Thank you for your replies, I am so grateful,

 

I told him and he went so mad and started to call me names etc.. Not nice names at all,

 

He said we are over, which i felt sad about but thinking of the advice I thought it is best and to move on,

 

But now the second day in Spain, he is saying he misses me and wants me back, he won't stop contacting me,

Now I am so confused

 

Block his number. Privacy Star app--you can download it and put it on your cell phone.

 

What he misses is his control over you, not you. That is his drug. He gets a charge out of belittling you and calling you names and being abusive. You seriously are confused about that? Really?

 

Do not waste your time telling him anything. Do not waste your time "telling him off, putting him in his place. NOTHING. Leave him alone. Leave him exactly where he is standing and go on about your life. He's not a errant puppy---he's a dangerous man and you are not equipped to deal with either him or his rage. Do you not get it that women die at the hands of men like this every day? You cannot reason with someone like this--they cannot see reason either by will or circumstances. He can not/will not see that it's unreasonable of him to think that you should not spend time WITH YOUR FAMILY based solely on the notion that he cant' be there to make sure other guys don't look at you or talk to you, or that you don't wear a dress that he doesn't like or that you don't act in a way that may threaten some crazy line of thinking in his head that is not based in reality.

 

 

What is your plan once you get back home? Are you going to allow this "confusion" to dissolve your resolve and re-submit yourself to his abuse? Right now, your heart should not be steering the ship in any sort of way. It's time for your head to rule--and for your common, good sense you were born with to kick in. It's self preservation time, hon. If you ignore that, you do so at your own peril because he's dangerous.

 

I'll bet you still haven't talked to your dad about this, have you? And I've noticed that you haven't answered that question, so that means you haven't. You need to. Today. Sign off right now and go talk to him. In fact, the next time you take his phone call (because you will--you won't allow yourself to consider breaking up with him), hand the phone to your dad while he's in the middle of calling you everything but a child of God and let your dad hear how this man is talking to/treating his baby.

 

You need your father's protection right now, young lady.

[Kendahke]

Something you should read, OP:

 

link removed

 

 

 

You asked for us to help you in the title of this thread. If you are sincere about wanting help, then please take the advice you've been given by some very wise women. Above all else, talk to your father!!!

[Kendahke]

link removed

[Kendahke]

If, after handing the phone to your dad to let him hear how this jerk is talking to you, your dad is fine with him talking that way to his baby, then stay with the guy. I do not see your dad tolerating any of that--no good father would--and if you are serious about wanting to end this, you need back up to do it. This is something you're going to have to build a safety net around you to deal with and it may go as far as you needing to swear out a restraining order against him to leave you alone.

[Kendahke]

one more thing from that site--which is an excellent resource:

[amipushy]

When you feel guilty for not answering his calls think back to what you wrote....."I am fearful of him... it is starting to make me feel unwell"

 

Now read this and you will see that he is just a true Loser in every sense of the word... link removed

 

If you are afraid of him now and starting to feel unwell, then the only way this can go if you stay with him is that you become terrified of him. There is NO happy ending because men like him are who they are, they dont know any different, they dont want to change and any suggestion from you that he is messed up and needs to seeks help will be turned around and used on you. He may even offer to see a therapist but this will be just a ploy to get you back and all his promises will fall by the wayside when you do back, he will build stronger walls to keep you in and you will be even more afraid of him, you will be afraid to leave and afraid to stay. A very dangerous place to be in mentally and phsycially.

 

I tell you honestly what he feels for you is not love, despite his insistance that it is. This is about him owning you, controlling you, and you risk becoming a victim of his violence if you stay. Real love exists when two people feel the same, when they are friends, when they are equals, when you both feel happy and safe. You and he are not equals and never will be because will always seek to dominiate you, to control you. He is not happy because he is living in constant fear of losing control of you (not losing YOU) and you are not safe because of that.

 

Keep ignoring his contact. Tell your parents what is going on (however hard or embarrassing, you must!) so they can support you and keep you safe. This man is potentially dangerous. Do not let him pressure you into meeting him alone when you get back, do not change your "its over" stand HOWEVER much he begs, pleads or cries (crocodile tears) or you will never be free of him and the fear you feel.

[Maureen19]

I am sorry for the late reply, I am back home now, the internet at the hotel was hard to connect to so couldn't fully answer,

 

I am very grateful of your advice, reading the posts and examples, it made me see a lot clearer and to see the signs of his behaviour.

In Spain I ignored his contact, and have just spoken to him once when I got back home, to be greeted by fowl language towards me.

i have taken your advice to leave him, if he ignores that and keeps trying or causes trouble, then i will tell my father, so he can step in.