How to get over a cruel breakup?

[brucewayne]

This is my first post on the site. Over the past few months I've been reading a number of the threads on the site trying to take advice and comfort on getting over my ex. It has been a big help and I want to genuinely thank folk who contribute to the site. It really does make a difference. However, I wanted to tell my own story in the hope that any advice people could offer could help me with my own situation.

 

Here we go.

 

My ex dumped me by email out the blue a few days before xmas. We had been dating for the best part of a year, although half of which had been a long distance relationship - and by long I mean the other side of the world. Despite this we talked everyday on skype, and messaged each other all the time on whatsapp. Not a day went by where we didn’t speak. I had booked flights to go and see her in January and the plan was to see how much I enjoyed her country and to consider moving once I had passed my professional exams making me a qualified architect. During the time we were apart she professed to me how much she missed me and loved me on almost a daily basis, I soon realized that I missed her just as much and wanted to change my life and be with her.

 

As it happened, I woke up one morning to an email from her out the blue. She told me her feelings to me had changed; she had made a big mistake committing to me from the other side of the world, to cancel my flights, and to never contact her again. This was a month before I was to fly out. She had cut me out her life overnight via email, blocked me on all social media - facebook, skype, whatsapp - and deleted all our mutual friends.

 

Confused and in shock I replied to her email – (the only means of communicating with her) - but got a short, cold response giving me no real explanation. At which point my friends pushed me to cut my losses and cancel the flights. I did so, if for nothing else, to maintain my own dignity. Weeks later a friend found out that she had left me for someone else. I was completely and utterly devastated.

 

During the time we were apart she had had a drunken 'thing' with a colleague at a staff party. She had told me about it straight away, sobbing and saying she stopped it before it got too far. I was so angry at first but I eventually forgave her – because I trusted her. Looking back, she had dumped me right after the second staff party and now I realize why she hadn't answered her phone the morning after, she had done the same thing again and this time she hadn't stopped it. She's now dating the guy she cheated on me with.

 

I'm 26 years old, and she was the only girl I had told I loved, the only girl I had made myself vulnerable for and the only girl I was really willing to change my life to be with. She knew this and had lied to me, betrayed me and dumped me in the cruellest of ways. I've had short term girlfriends in the past but she has been the only one I could imagine being with forever. We got on so well straight away, and we never really argued or fought about silly stuff. We got so close to being together again and I know she just got scared and threw everything away at the last hurdle. It’s been said before on this website, but part of me is terrified I’m never going to find anyone who makes me that happy ever again.

 

It’s been two and a half months since she broke up with me, and 30 days with NC. The last we spoke was via email when she needed my bank details to give me some money for the flight cancellation charges. That was good of her, but I expect it was to ease her guilt. After the transfer I replied thanking her, and letting her know that I had found out what she had done and it was a shame she couldn’t have just been honest with me. I finished by saying I wished her all the best. There was no reply.

 

By doing NC things have slowly gotten better; however there is still this constant ache in my heart. I was completely blind sighted by the breakup and because she refused to explain to me what she had done and why I never really got a sense of closure. It was as if the girl I had fallen in love with wasn't doing this, it was someone else, because it was out of character. I know I’ll probably never speak to her again and that’s probably for the best, but I just feel so lost at the moment. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully trust someone again, I don’t know how someone I loved and respected so much could treat me like this and I don’t know how to fully move on from this.

 

I’ve drank a lot over the past couple months, which ultimately was a bad idea. I’ve also gone on a few dates to try and get over her which hasn't really helped much. I’m clearly not ready. At the moment I’m trying to get fit again and be more happy being by myself and single. If there’s anyone who reads this that can rationalize the situation and help me understand and more importantly move on it would really mean the world to me. The last few months of my life have been hell and I just want to feel better.

[roberto1]

Yeah... I can perfectly empathize with you. My ex did something simmilar ( simmilarily horrible). I have to see her daily and that really drags me down. Everytime you think of her and how much you miss her, say that you will get over this. You will, and constantly reminding yourself this will definetly help you. You will reach a point in which you will not care if you have a grifriend or not, and i coulnd care less about your ex.. And listen to this song once a day youtube.com/watch?v=d2GzeUufoiI. DO IT NOW !! Good luck , you'll be fine and you know it !

[Kendahke]

A break up of this kind is cruel in the extreme. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

I would say to you that don't fall into thinking "the girl I had fallen in love with wasn't doing this". Yes she is. It's the same woman. The one who cannot remain faithful to you when you're not in eyesight. The one who cannot summon up, stand in and proclaim her truth; who instead runs off and hides and leaves you, the man she supposedly loves, flailing.

 

I think you've handled yourself with class and dignity and I know it sometimes doesn't look like you get a "gold star" for taking the high road, but in the end, after much time has passed from this, you will be glad you didn't get down in the mud with her.

 

I would also say that the going out on dates may be a bit too soon, unless you're just going to distract yourself and not try to find a rebound to get into.

 

This stuff is all a process and to get out on the other side, you have to go through it. It's a pain in the butt, to be sure--I know I hated it at the 2 month period and I'd been with my ex for 13 years at the time. But trust me when I tell you: it does get better, especially when you do NC and you begin putting yourself first and doing right by yourself; aka: being selfish. You will eventually feel better. Time is what it takes to turn this wound into just a faded blemish.

 

Trust the process. You will be fine and you will open your heart to meet someone worthy--you will know what to look out for and what not to tolerate when you see some behaviors or characteristics popping up in the new women you will be meeting. Know your boundaries and do not let anyone trample them, even if it means you hurt their feelings.

[jenbrooks]

you should thank her for doing this early. Imagine if you were to move there and then she does this to you? Its a blessing! And you're so lucky! She will do the the same to the next guy.

[jonyyy]

(...)

 

By doing NC things have slowly gotten better; however there is still this constant ache in my heart. I was completely blind sighted by the breakup and because she refused to explain to me what she had done and why I never really got a sense of closure. It was as if the girl I had fallen in love with wasn't doing this, it was someone else, because it was out of character. I know I’ll probably never speak to her again and that’s probably for the best, but I just feel so lost at the moment. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully trust someone again, I don’t know how someone I loved and respected so much could treat me like this and I don’t know how to fully move on from this.

 

(...)

 

Sorry for your pain. I can relate a lot with what you're going through and yeah that feeling of not having closure and expecially the "out of character" situation will haunt you for sometime. We just keep looping in our minds, her? how? it's not her? why? how? her?

 

Regarding the closure: IMO you'll have to find it yourself, read books and articles about R/S, analyse and reflect about your R/S, identify red flags etc. This will help you put your R/S into perspective and realise the shortcomings of her personality and the R/S.

 

Regarding the "out of character" thing, I don't know what to tell you, I'm still struggling with that. I try to think to myself that a) she changed and b) she was that way but the circumstances in her life never provided her to be that way so she probably didn't know she could be that way.

 

As for the chest pain, if you follow the advices, it will ease believe it. It will ease as your life outlook improves and you gain some detachment over her. For me it took about 4 months for the pain to start easing. But everyone is different.

[kayamoyan]

I classify my break up as particularly cruel as well since we were to be married but he broke it off by email out of the blue just like your ex. I was prepared to move to be with him and leave my whole life including family, a business and friends yet he would not even simply pick up the phone when I called to discuss. What helps is to reframe the break up in a way that will make you feel better. Maybe some people will call it sour-graping but I call it self preservation:

 

1. It would not have worked out in the long run if this girl was a cheater

2. Do you really want to be with someone who is dishonest?

3. Would you take her back if she came running back to you after finding that the other guy wasn't all she thought he would be (this one is a hard one, but think of your dignity)

4. there are a hundred girls out there who would not think of cheating on you, get to know them and pursue them instead

5. she does not owe you anything, not a relationship, not faithfulness, but if she had a good character, she would have been faithful and maybe you would still be together.

[brucewayne]

Wow, thanks for all the responses. I didn't expect so many kind words and advice. They really did help. A few things in your posts struck a particular chord with me however.

 

I realized that the main thing that still kills me is the ‘what if things were different?’ question. As I mentioned In the OP, we were doing long distance for half the relationship. I always wonder what if I had only visited earlier or she had stayed and we weren't apart. Would this have happened? My ex had only had one proper boyfriend all the way through uni, for 5 years. They broke up because she wanted to go travelling accross the world and he didn’t. She had never cheated on anyone before me. Jonyy, your post really struck me when you said: ‘she was that way but the circumstances in her life never provided her to be that way so she probably didn't know she could be that way’.

 

I really believe that was what happened for my ex. There was nothing in her history to suggest she would have done this and that’s why I forgave her after the first incident. Ironically she said to me at the time ‘this would never have happened if you were here’ and that the ‘awful thing she had done did not define her’….. sigh. I think she was in disbelief of her own actions just as much as me. ’ It makes me so sad just to think that the only reason this happened was the distance and if it wasn’t for the circumstances we would still be together. I think is my main emotional hurdle, so any thoughts on this would be great.

 

One thing I know for certain is that I could never take her back. I almost left her after the first time she had a ‘thing’ and I now know that there’s nothing that could ever make me trust her again. The fact is, it’s over. Still, you will all think I’m crazy, but when I think of her I still think of her as a good person and that I have lost someone truly special. It’s probably attributed to the fact that I never saw that side of her in person and she never spoke to me about what happened. It remains like some surreal part of my life.

 

It would be great to get all your thoughts on this and perhaps give me an idea of how long to expect to get over it. I know everyone is different but a ball park figure would at least give me an idea of what to expect. Thank you all again.

[Ms Darcy]

I am concerned that part of the pull of the relationship for you was actually the distance. You have so many women who are nearby but you never connected to anyone who is closer. Something to think about.

 

I think this is the problem with LDRs with no clear expiration date. I think she was wanting love and attention and got drawn to someone who was closer by.

[jonyyy]

(...) It makes me so sad just to think that the only reason this happened was the distance and if it wasn’t for the circumstances we would still be together. I think is my main emotional hurdle, so any thoughts on this would be great.

 

(...)

 

Yes that's super frustrating. It happened with me too, she went abroad for work for a couple of months, started to feel weak, partying/drinking and BAM a charming prince came up and took her. Then she revealed the worst in her and betrayed all her values and our story together. If she could just stay strong 2 more months we would have moved together. We died on the beach literally, after almost 9 years.... Oh well.

 

I know it's very hard to stop dwelling on those thoughts but really the best a approach is: things are what they are. It happened. We have to accept, we CAN'T fight nor lose time with what can't be changed. Just learn from it and move on, slowly but steadily.

[Firesite]

It makes me so sad just to think that the only reason this happened was the distance and if it wasn’t for the circumstances we would still be together. I think is my main emotional hurdle, so any thoughts on this would be great.

 

The reason you guys broke up was not only because of the distance. I went through almost the exact same circumstance as you did, and I can guarantee that things would not have been different even if there wasn't any distance between you to. It may have actually been worse because your ex would not have been able to hide from you because of the distance. I have been NC with my ex for 14 months and I still have sad moments but I am getting through life one day at a time. I would suggest not dating for awhile and focusing on yourself. I can't say when but eventually a day will come when this will be a fond memory.

[brucewayne]

Thanks again for the posts guys.

 

Jonyyy I have so much respect for you. My relationship was only a year I can't even begin to imagine how you coped. I guess you're right though there's no point in dwelling, the trick is to accept what happened. Easier said than done of course.

 

It's funny, most of you say more or less what my friends say - 'you dodged a bullet man'. I guess to an extent they're right. I didn't move my life to the other side of the world with no friends and family to be with a girl who's heart really wasn't in it anymore. Now I've learnt that you probably only see what a person is really like by how they behave in these moment's of crisis. The more I analyze the situation the more I realize that you're probably right Firesite. Although it might of not happened now, or in the next year, I know that eventually, when things got tough and the honeymoon period was over, she would of had it in her to do that to me.

 

My love for my ex never wavered while she was away. Like any guy my age going out to bars, I had plenty of opportunities but I never cheated on her because I didn't want to taint something that was just too special to ruin. Long distance was hard, but I thought that she was worth it. I thought she was the one! Even if I was to forgive her for the cheating - she is only human - the way she ended it was so unnecessarily cruel. She deleted all our mutual friends because she didn't want me to find out. At first I thought maybe she was trying to save me from that pain but when she emailed me asking for bank details she had changed her Hotmail picture to a photo of her and him. Again bear in mind this all came out the blue. I literally received her xmas present to me a couple days after she emailed to break up.

 

I never did tell you how we got together, and this is probably where you all groan. I don't blame you. We worked together and hooked up almost immediately on the first staff party. It was a one night stand that turned into a whirlwind relationship. I'd like to point out that we were both single though. The situation with her new BF is almost identical. She had been working a new company for only a couple of months and on the first night out together she had her 'thing' with this guy. She barely knew him. Maybe it was inevitable. Here was I, this guy she was committed to on the other side of the world, with all this pressure on the relationship. This guy, however, was right there. She could be with him without any pressure and she knew she liked him. After all they had already hooked up and got on well. The cherry on the cake is that he looks like me. The rest is history.

 

I know right now she's happy and all loved up, saying the same things to this guy that she used to say to me. I feel like I've been replaced and that should be me. As time goes on I'll begin to understand why she did this and who she really was but I still feel like I've been scammed. Tricked into falling in love, staying loyal, attentive and caring and then at the final moment, just before I was to fly out and see her, she does this to me. Of course maybe I have her up on a pedestal in my head. I sometimes wonder if I should email and ask for closure, but it's probably pointless. I'd only be doing it to make her feel bad and ultimately I'd loose respect for myself. Do you all agree?

 

Again would be great to get your thoughts.

 

P.s. in other news. I ended up qualifying as an architect this week. Took me 8 and a half years. I guess if I had moved away earlier I would of thrown that away that for her :

[Glowguy]

Congratulations on qualifying as an architect and sorry for the demise of your relationship.

 

I do think you are putting this girl on a pedestal and idealizing your relationship (we all do it at some point or another). You notions of what the relationship were do not apply to her. Just pay attention to her actions - that's the only closure you need. Dwelling on what ifs can create a false sense of security but it is pointless and will only slow your recovery. I doubt you would get an honest answer anyway after the way she ended things.

 

LDRs are tough and you gave it your best shot. That's all you can do. Focus on your career for awhile and devote your energy to improving yourself until the the hurt subsides. Hang out with your friends and meet some new ones. You don't need anyone to 'make' you happy.

[brucewayne]

Great advice. It's probably time I started looking after myself.

 

Thanks for all the help on my first post I owe you all a beer haha