The Man I Call My Boyfriend is to "Complex" for My Head to make sense of it all

[WildStrawberry]

Hey Everyone, I'm new here. I was hesitant to write something after being a long time reader but the issues at hand have driven me to post.

Please be respectful and non judgmental in your responses. I need advice- tough love is okay, just no negative bombardments. We are adults here.

 

I'm in my 30's and my boyfriend is in his 40's. We are have stable careers and live together. We have been In a relationship for a year now.

Our relationship bloomed because we had great communication through text and social media (as we lived far away from each other at the time). The man I was texting was open about his sexuality and life and on the same page as far as relationship goals (marriage, family etc)

Then what I noticed after spending more time and even traveling to different countries together was that he wasn't as open to me in person as he was through texting and social media. When we talked it was geared around social issues or political issues, but never talks in a sexual nature like we had before.

He became less intimate it seemed less affectionate, because who he was virtually (from my initial impression) to who he was in person was two different people.

I stuck it out, and still do, because he is a great man overall and very liked by everyone as a person. I met his family, he met mine. Things on the outside show us as perfect as ever.

But m insecurities blossomed as the lack of attentiveness grew.

He would spend almost every night on his games, instead of going to bed with me. I just found it odd, but coughed it up to "he loves his hobbies, his games, can't get mad at that". However I started to feel more and more alone.

His behavior prompted me to look at things a bit deeper.

What I had discovered was that he has a secret side, a very sexual secret side. All virtual.

Men love porn, I get that. I have shared my porn interests with him but he shys from sharing with me. Understandable, he likes to keep it to himself, Okay.

However, because of what I found, I knew what he liked and tried to bring it to the bedroom as our sex was always the same, and 75% of the time he can't finish. He did not like that I tried to spice it up and preferred I stay in the same position the whole time.

My conclusion was that he has a porn addiction and the things he watches is by far anything I can find a turn on.

This affects the relationship.

But that isn't the problem. I find his secret life more interesting than his life with me. As I think this stems from the Madonna/ complex. He sees me as pure, and wife material, and his computer/phone as the mistress on the side.

He is extremely defensive of his secret side, I know this because when I try to passively open him up about the things he may be into, he shuts down, naturally.

I kept this secret, and still do, of the things I know about him. Yes it does eat me up alive. My reaction towards him had changed from not trusting him completely as a person- I'm sure he has no idea why. What happened is my fights where not picked and I blew up on him for small things. We would resolve it and move on. But then I would find something... and it would be so innappropiate because it wasn't just porn, it's him taking pictures of women on the street, downloading and saving pictures of ex's.. but cropping out their face, etc.

Bottom line is, I decided to go home for a while. Leave him to his vices with out me. I needed time to think, as my being there only spurred tension with him not knowing where it was coming from.

I came back, only to find everything wiped clean. Things were perfect, excellent. His attentiveness was by far above average. He turned a 180 on me.

Then I found out he created a secret account somewhere, where he would keep all his naughty stuff in one place, with the added bonus of participating in conversations with porn stars (big deal won't go anywhere, doesn't bother me) to ing about me.

This account was created during the rocky time in our relationship.

I decided to be extremely positive and caring as opposed to being ripping mad at him.

It has been working to a degree. He spends less time on this account than before. But I just don't understand what to do now. Living with this and what I know. Because for me, I see it two ways. 1. He keeps this account as a form of identity and a form of therapy. (so maybe I should let him go on with it) 2. I see it as a disrespectful thing. because the things he does, complimenting porn stars, liking pictures, and even going as far as submitting pictures he has taken or stole, as crossing the line, and in a way very unfaithful.

 

What are your thoughts?

[LesPaulGuy]

It sounds like your boyfriend has a porn addiction and porn induced erectile dysfunction. It desensitizes men to normal or "vanilla" sex as they spend so much time in a male centered fantasy. This ends up having tangible physical effects on a man's labido. I know because I've been there and I'm only 22. I've spoken to my male friends about it and they've all been there or are currently there. There is a website called your brain on porn, he should check it out.

[Batya33]

I think you are making this complex but it is actually very simple. You and he lack compatible values. He values porn and he thinks lying is ok in a serious relationship (and perhaps in many other areas of his life, who knows). You do not. So, you two are not a good match. I would stop indulging in telling yourself that he is complex, or that this situation is complex because I think that's giving you an excuse to stay in a situation that is not healthy for you. If he chooses to get help for his porn related issues and his lack of integrity/trustworthiness then perhaps in the future you two will have enough in common to be together.

 

I also think you benefit from this arrangement because you don't have to be as vulnerable - he's not really committed to you or serious about you given his choices and activities - and you get to have the challenge of trying to woo him away from his "mistress".

[lavenderdove]

The guy is kinky, you are not. You're not compatible that way.

 

And I would not be with a man who was pervy enough to take pictures of random women or exes without their permission and crop and edit them and post them etc.

 

And he's only willing to do one position and not have you move? Forget it.

 

Really, I think you are busily trying to be 'liberal' while missing the point that this guy is just plain pervy. Most men don't do what he does (taking secret photos and cropping etc.) and they don't do things like demand you stick to one position etc.

 

Those secret photos he's taking might even be illegal depending on what he's doing with them.

[WildStrawberry]

Thank you, your insight and advice is so eye opening for me. I have been holding this in long enough, so glad to hear another perspective and you are all right.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, I was going to give you advice on this guy until I got to the part of him taking pictures of women on the street and/or cropping faces out and just leaving the bodies. I don't want to scare you, but that's beyond a simple porn addiction and is walking toward far darker territory. What are you going to do when and if taking pics or Internet porn isn't merely enough anymore and he begins to stalk women, because what I see here is a guy who is deliberately seeking out and viewing women as just bodies. And that does not bode well for either you or anyone else in the future should he tip over into obsession and/or decide to start following these women if he hasn't already.

 

I don't want to scare you, but you need to take a look at that. This guy is sexually about as dysfunctional as they get and the persona he was when you both were long distance was because he is able to live only in his head and you were just one more fantasy back then. He doesn't relate to people in real life, he can't seem to really relate to you and although you've tried to be open with him about his own sexual nature he still wants to hide it. That means there's something quite possibly worse than just porn or at the very least that he wants what's in his head rather than what any real person has to offer him. He doesn't want a relationship, he wants bodies and that's alarming.

 

Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the taking pictures of women on the street is just spine chilling. Would you be okay with a strange man snapping pics of you on the street to look at later? I wouldn't.

[WildStrawberry]

That is exactly the advice I need. Seriously. I have outwardly expressed to him my distaste (In general conversation) my hatred for pervs who take those candid photos, and how disrespectful it is towards women. He (in my face) would agree with me whole heartedly. Then I find days later, that he contradicts himself.

Why is he so concerned to protect me from these secrets? he is afraid of me, and he is afraid I may leave. I know that.

But if you are afraid of me leaving you, then WHY would he continue this behavior is beyond me.

[Batya33]

That is exactly the advice I need. Seriously. I have outwardly expressed to him my distaste (In general conversation) my hatred for pervs who take those candid photos, and how disrespectful it is towards women. He (in my face) would agree with me whole heartedly. Then I find days later, that he contradicts himself.

Why is he so concerned to protect me from these secrets? he is afraid of me, and he is afraid I may leave. I know that.

But if you are afraid of me leaving you, then WHY would he continue this behavior is beyond me.

 

Who cares why. Let a professional figure that out (or not).

[WildStrawberry]

True Batya33

[chr8st8na]

People like your bf needs professional help and you should get out while you can. I watched a movie with Michael Fassbender and it was about his porn & sex addiction and how it disrupt every aspect in his life. Its called Shame. You should watch it or get your bf to watch it. It is the most profound, chilling and provoking serious movie i have seen in ages.

[WildStrawberry]

Thank you chr8st8na, I will take your advice. Perhaps he may come to some connection. I never heard of that movie. Good to know.

[CeeLambrini]

Before you mentioned it in your OP, about the Madonna (etc) complex, that is exactly what I was thinking. He likes to separate you from that side of him because he knows it is shameful, yet he enjoys feeling ashamed. He does not want to combine you, (pure, innocent, virginal) to his seedy other side because then the latter would become real, it would become him. You are his source of "proving" that he is normal, and well mannered - not the pervert he feels he is when he is invading other women's privacy and looking at porn.

Regardless of how deep these issues go and for what reason, etc. I fully agree with Paris. It is a terrifying prospect but he simply sees these other women as bodies to do with as he pleases, and although he may not be acting fully on that in real life, he is fantasising about it. Cutting out their faces cuts out their identities so he does not have to recognise them as human. Taking pictures of women when they have no idea in order for him to pleasure himself over later is violating another human being.

You seem to be the only one he separates from this, perhaps he has to in order to see you as his equal, his partner so you do not become just another "faceless body" so to speak.

 

Enough of that though, because it is wigging me out. The situation should also concern you though. Whether or not what I believe to be right about him, or what the others think - you are not satisfied during sex. He makes you stay in one position, not really wanting to please you or satisfy you - as long as he does it his way. I think that's a deal breaker in it's own right regardless of the strange Jekyll and Hyde theme he has going on here.

[WildStrawberry]

Cee- Thank you for your thoughtful response. This is very in depth and eye opening. These responses are satisfying and reassure my feelings as well as opens my eyes seeing your perspective.

[Lorem Ipsum]

He did not like that I tried to spice it up and preferred I stay in the same position the whole time.

He doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a link removed NSFW

 

Why is he so concerned to protect me from these secrets? he is afraid of me, and he is afraid I may leave. I know that. But if you are afraid of me leaving you, then WHY would he continue this behavior is beyond me.

Having you around makes him look "normal". Far better to have a girlfriend so that people don't get suspicious. A man out with his girlfriend taking pictures isn't a creeper. A single guy doing that, you're more likely to pay attention.

 

Frankly, I think you should have another look around his computer before you leave and make sure of the photos he's got, first of all that none of them are you and secondly that none of them are "off"... er... more "off" than the last ones you saw that is. No kids, up the skirt, bathroom shots, stuff that looks obviously criminal. I would seriously consider reporting him to the cops if I were you. As ParisPaulette said, how much longer before the fully clothed on-the-street photos aren't enough? That they have to be up the skirt photos or something else. Pretty much everyone who has gone to prison for a sex crime started somewhere small and built up as the thrill wore off.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree. And what you describe is one of the characteristics of a sex offender: link removed

 

I suspect he's so private because what he really fantasizes about is far worse than you have seen, or is getting progressively worse.

 

There are a lot of reasons to leave him. Pick one.