I'm not sure if I cheated, or if we can work through this...

[Fiona4242]

So, to make a very long story short, my (ex?)boyfriend and I have been "on a break" for approximately five months. I have attempted to discuss where we stand with him, but he hasn't been ready to do that yet.

 

This past weekend, I went to visit an old friend. We spent the night in a hotel room together (he lives a 4 hour drive away from me). We ended up hooking up (not sex, but kissing, and under-the-clothes touching).

 

I told my ex(?) about it the next day.

 

He acknowledges that he has no right to be upset with me, but that he is anyway. He says he needs a few days to cool down and think things through. He doesn't know yet what this means for us, or the future. He claims he has declined advances from other women during the past five months because of our relationship, and is hurt and angry that I didn't do the same. (I have, on other occasions, but I didn't this time.)

 

My question is, what can I do to make this up to him? Is this something fixable? Do you think he will be able to forgive me, and move on? Or do you think things or definitely over?

 

If there is a chance to save this relationship, what can I do?

 

I don't feel like I cheated, because we're not together, but I was still "unfaithful"... I need to know how I can make things OK between us again.

[oasisrob22]

I don't think you cheated...you guys are on a break = broken up, no matter how you spin it.

 

If you feel guilty/bad about it, it's time for you to tell him that you need to have a serious discussion about where you two stand. Are you guys going to work on things? If so, what are the boundaries so feelings aren't hurt unexpectedly? If he's not ready to talk yet -- leave him be and continue to do you what you want. Don't waste time over someone who's still on the fence.

[mhowe]

Five months....of a break?

You broke up....as in not in a relationship anymore.

Are you both supposed to be celibate for an undetermined amount of time?

[Fiona4242]

Well, the agreement was that we would both attempt not to see other people. However, it was OK, as long as we were honest about it. The break was supposed to last until December, at which point we would talk and make a decision, one way or another.

 

December came and went, no talk.

 

January came, still no talk. I tried to bring it up over dinner once, he told me not to worry about it, we'd discuss it later. Didn't happen.

 

Part of me wonders whether he was just waiting for me to slip up so he could use it as an excuse to end things without being the bad guy. But, if that were the case, why would he be so upset now? He would have just ended things, I feel...

 

I'm trying to give him space, but I do want to text him and tell him I love him and I'm sorry for hurting him.

 

BTW, we were not really intimate with each other either. We had sex once in October, and I gave him head in January. Other than that, no kissing, no touching, nothing.

[Tanzi]

Five months is not a break. Five months is broken up!

 

If someone can't make up their mind if they want to be with you after five months then you have every right to start moving on.

 

How can you be unfaithful when you have not been in a relationship for five months? Boy am I confused!

 

I don't know what you mean by trying to make it up to him because there are obviously other issues anyway that are stopping him from being in a relationship with you. Even if you did try to make it up to him … what then? Is it going to change where you currently were at? Saying that he doesn't know what that means for you makes no sense to me because he didn't know anyway.?

 

How long were/are you expecting to stay on this extraordinarily long "break"? (I think most people would have moved on from the notion of it being a break by now to be honest.)

 

Can I also ask … do you and your ex still "hook up"?

[Tanzi]

OK, ignore my last question. I see you have already answered that.

[Fiona4242]

The break was supposed to last until December. Obviously, it has gone on longer than that. We don't really "hook up." We have twice, throughout the whole separation.

 

I feel like he has no right to be mad about this, but he is anyway. I know I should just be like "this guy is clearly just all sorts of awful" and walk away from this situation, but it's extremely difficult. He has a way of taking things and turning them around on me. To use an example from our conversation about this issue:

 

Me: "This break has been really hard on me, we haven't discussed..."

 

Him: "Don't you DARE try to make this my fault."

 

Now, a reasonable person would probably say, "well, it is kind of your fault..." I just beta'd up and apologized again.

[Fiona4242]

Then at the same time I feel overwhelmed with incredible guilt, like I have to do something to make this better because I ruined "us." I really have no idea what to do here.

 

I'm just hoping he's going to forgive me and we can get back to... whatever we were doing.

[faraday]

He is totally waiting for you to screw up. This isn't worth saving. If someone doesn't want to be with you (and if he wanted to be with you- he would...none of this "break" game and "we'll talk about it later carp), why would you want to consider being with them?

 

Never make someone a priority if you're only an option to them. You're not his priority.

 

This whole being honest with an ex thing...is painful for both. Tell him it's over and go no contact...."breaks" are ridiculous and a 5 month break is...a waste of your life.

 

Maybe you need to date this guy you made out with...is he a good guy?

[mhowe]

Consider yourself broken up and move on.

It will feel the same as the past 5 months minus the limbo.

[faraday]

Then at the same time I feel overwhelmed with incredible guilt, like I have to do something to make this better because I ruined "us." I really have no idea what to do here.

 

I'm just hoping he's going to forgive me and we can get back to... whatever we were doing.

 

There is no "us". You're not together. He doesn't want to be with you. You didn't ruin anything because there was nothing there.

[Fiona4242]

The guy I made out with is a good guy, and has been a good friend for about 15 years. The problem is distance... We're about four hours apart, and both pretty busy.

[Tanzi]

Well, the agreement was that we would both attempt not to see other people. However, it was OK, as long as we were honest about it. The break was supposed to last until December, at which point we would talk and make a decision, one way or another.

 

December came and went, no talk.

 

January came, still no talk. I tried to bring it up over dinner once, he told me not to worry about it, we'd discuss it later. Didn't happen.

 

 

This guy does not want to be in a relationship with you. He is stringing you along, giving you hope (though even that seems a bit on the flimsy side), and you are letting him.

 

If he isn't ready to talk about it now then he won't ever be … at least not all the while you remain happy to be strung along on this "break".

 

He has a way of taking things and turning them around on me. To use an example from our conversation about this issue:

 

Me: "This break has been really hard on me, we haven't discussed..."

 

Him: "Don't you DARE try to make this my fault."

 

Now, a reasonable person would probably say, "well, it is kind of your fault..." I just beta'd up and apologized again.

 

No a reasonable person would say "You're right, we should talk about it. I'm not treating you right …." (ie. it was on HIM to do/say the right thing , not YOU). Yep he's stringing you along. He is also manipulating you into "putting up and shutting up". He is being totally disrespectful of your feelings. I know it is difficult but, come on, it's time to wake up. This is not a break. It is a joke. You deserve more than this!

[Tanzi]

There is no "us". You're not together. He doesn't want to be with you. You didn't ruin anything because there was nothing there.

 

Agreed. There is no "us". That ended 5 months ago.

[itsallgrand]

At the end of the day, he is a man who doesn't know if he wants to be with you, though. So no, of course I don't think you owe him your undying fidelity and trust. That's reserved for people who are firmly OFF the fence, and committed to you as well.

 

I don't know that you can do anything to 'make it better', because I think if he isn't committed nor wanting to do that (for whatever reasons he has), that is not something you can force or make happen. You can only accept it.

 

My suggestion is to do just that. And let him go. You more than gave him a chance on his terms with this - and he kept pushing the deadline further and further. So I think it's safe to say he doesn't take it as seriously as he is making it out to be.

[Fiona4242]

Just to clarify, I meant if I were a reasonable person I would have said, "well, it is kind of your fault." lol.

[Tanzi]

Just to clarify, I meant if I were a reasonable person I would have said, "well, it is kind of your fault." lol.

 

I realise that but if HE were a reasonable person then you wouldn't be in a position to have to say that. Even if he was confused in the very beginning, he should have had the decency to approach the subject at some point or to have done the decent thing by officially ending it. To actually try to fob you off yet again is bad enough but by doing so by twisting it back onto you is just plain disgusting.

 

However, if you wanted to do the sensible thing, then you should have told him that none of this was good enough a long time ago.

[faraday]

 

However, if you wanted to do the sensible thing, then you should have told him that none of this was good enough a long time ago.

 

 

Exactly. People will rise to the level of expectation that you have for them. Raise the bar OP.

[DancingFool]

Just to clarify, I meant if I were a reasonable person I would have said, "well, it is kind of your fault." lol.

 

No, a reasonable person would have told him to go stuff himself a long time ago. He has been stringing you for 5 months and you are letting him. It's hard to let go? Really? You haven't been in a relationship for 5 months and you have in fact already moved on. So drop the "it's hard bs", delete him from your life, cut the last string whatever that may be and go on with your life. You have already been doing it for the past 5 months. It's not like anything is actually going to be different in your life except that you might be happier going forward with someone else.

[ParisPaulette]

If it's been five months and your maybe ex hasn't made up his mind then that means he's keeping you on the backburner while he explores other options. He's right, he has zero reason to get upset. And the fact that he hasn't stood up and said, "The idea of you being with another man makes me realize I'd better stop goofing around and just let's try again" tells me that he doesn't really want to try for an exclusive relationship. But he does want you there available only to him should he decide that he needs you at any point in the future. That's why he's upset, because you might see someone else and realize he's not the great catch you thought he was. But that's not a relationship, that's some guy wanting to keep you on a shelf like a toy he may want to bring out and play with sometimes.

 

You deserve better than that. Tell him unless you and he are in a committed relationship and he is able to state that, then you can go out and see and be with whoever you please. And that you have decided the two of you are broken up and you aren't waiting around any longer. Five months is more than the guy actually deserves and it's not a break at this point, it's just him keeping you in reserve. But yeah, you guys are broken up.

[Kendahke]

Just to clarify, I meant if I were a reasonable person I would have said, "well, it is kind of your fault." lol.

 

No, you would have said "Oh, I dare... You've had 5 months to figure this out. It's not nuclear fission on a planet past the Kuiper Belt. Poop or get off the pot already. I say we're broken up and as such, what I do and who I do it with are not your concern any longer. If you're mad, then go ahead and be butt hurt over it, but I'm not waiting around one more minute, playing your manipulation game. This is time and youth I'll never get back."

 

That is what a reasonable person pushed past their endurance would say. He's being completely ridiculous and you need to call him out on it.

[ParisPaulette]

When someone says "Don't you dare put this on me" and it was their idea in the first place that's them not taking responsibility for their own actions. And worse, they are then trying to put the blame on you. And the fact that you even feel it's somehow all your fault should be enough to tell you that this guy is manipulating you and managing down your expectations. Like I said he wants you on the backburner only and is fully prepared to play ever guilt and manipulation card in the book if you let him. The fact that you can't talk to him is reason enough to leave.

 

If you know talking to him just screws you up then don't. Send a text and say "We're done" and then block and delete him. Seriously this is way too much drama, too much guilt-mongering, too much him having a double standard of he gets to be free to see whoever but you don't and bad communication skills on top of it all for this to even be worth it. You guys dated a few months, that's it, why are you letting him still pull your strings? Do you really think there is ever going to be a good relationship with someone who makes you feel guilty, belittles your communication, tells you the relationship is on a break then gets upset when you start to pull away and see other guys? And if you do why do you think that?

 

These are questions you need to be asking yourself, not what you did to screw it up. And you didn't by the way, you keep waiting for him. He's the one who wanted the break and won't commit, he's the one screwing it up, remember?

[pl3asehelp]

I think any relationship including breaks is pretty much a joke. You either break up or don't - it's a fools errand to think there's any middle ground regarding this.

[shelty24]

It is ridiculous that you would sit around and wait for someone for 5months! You should have moved on ages ago and stop feeling guilty. Your ex is treating you like a puppet dangling on a string.

 

It is the most selfish thing in the world for him to expect you to wait for him. Grow a backbone, gain some self respect and kick this guy to the curb

 

Then go and have sex with that friend of yours. He would prob make a better bg

[lerenard]

I don't think you cheated. And I don't think you should be trying to sort through anything with that guy. Let him go and live your life, he kept you hanging for long enough.