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rose2summer

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My soon to be ex-husband wrote me today that he wants to pick up our son 1 1/2 hours later than the time the court assigned us for pickup. He was supposed to give me prior notice that he is coming today, but just let me know a few hours ago. I told him to please give me his schedule two weeks ago which he never did, and that I would be unable to accommodate a schedule change today (my email was very kind), here's what he said:

 

Please stop being a blatant liar. I did tell you that I was not going to work this entire week, I told you very well ahead of time. If you think that you can use this type of writing in reference to a document as a way to be malicious and backstabbing toward me by denying our son from seeing his father. it is sad that you begin to use our son as a game, by denying him his right to be with his father. At the end, realize that you are the malicious and evil person because you're blatantly denying your son from developing a good loving relationship with his father. You're denying your son from developing as a good mature human being.

 

As I have told you before I am off this week. I will stop by to pick up my son today, if you deny your son his chance to see his father then understand that you are being the malicious one and that does not look good in court.

 

Thanks,

X's daddy

 

Am I being sensitive or is this really nasty?

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I told him to please give me his schedule two weeks ago which he never did.

 

 

 

Have you looked into having a third party present for the dropoff and pickup? I ask because if you limit all contact with him, or always have someone present, then there will be far fewer instances when he can say he said one thing and you say he didn't.

 

If you were able to limit interaction to email only, then everyone has a record of what was discussed.

 

I think someone needs to step in at this point.

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Shooting star,

 

Those are great questions.

 

I have not made it difficult for him and have added flexibility. I am probably one of the most accommodating people I know. My family refuses to deal with him because he wants everyone to bend over backwards for him.

 

He uses that flexibility to arrive 20-30min late on arrival and pickup and is very rude consistently.

 

He thinks he's god's gift to the world and that he is better than everyone else, he even says he is superior to everyone.

 

He also has refused to provide me with a schedule so I know when he is coming, until today.

 

Hugs, Rose

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Wow, do we know the same man? Sheesh! I got deja vu just now.

 

Yes, quite nasty.

 

I also think it's good(scratch that - necessary!) to limit your interactions to email only. And third party exchanges can be a very, very good viable option for the two of you.

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What does your court order state specifically in regards to pick up and drop off times?

 

If he is consistently late(and 20 minutes, that's pretty much a leeway so I wouldn't take this into account, but more significant lateness), I would talk to your attorney about bringing a modification forth and adding a clause in which if he doesn't pick up your child within XYZ minutes/hours of the designated pick up time, visitation is forfeited entirely for that day.

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It's really nasty. This is "pot, meet kettle" mess. Your son will grow up just fine and well adjusted with you.

 

That sounds like a threatening email to me. Just sayin'.

 

If he can't prove he had this conversation with you, then he didn't give you the information and he can't pick the child up later than his assigned time. He agreed to that when the divorce was executed.

 

Have you gotten in touch with your lawyer about the fraud manipulation yet?

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Hi Cheetarah,

 

It's set from 12pm pickup to 3pm dropoff for everyday he does not work (which is 2-3 weeks out of the month), but nothing was written in there about being late.

 

I will definitely ask the modification be added in.

 

Hugs,

Rose

 

Did you know if today was one of his days off? I don't mean had he CONFIRMED it. I mean before any confirmation did you know that it may have been a day off?

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Hi Kendahke,

I did get in touch with my lawyer regarding the fraud situation and he is working on it and wrote a letter to his lawyer about it.

 

a-little-blue,

I did not know today was his off day or had any thought it might be. He has a lax work schedule and it changes month to month but he did not notify me when he would be off, despite me asking for his schedule many times.

Just as examples of his behaviors in the past, he purposefully decided he wanted to oversleep to return a rental car once, and I had to drive him 6 hours roundtrip to an after airport return just so he could sleep an extra 15min while he told me the whole time how I am dumb and boring. He misses every flight he takes because he knows he will smooth talk them to let him on the next one free of penalty charge or request they hold the plane for him since he claims a medical emergency. He's very manipulative and the world revolves around him.

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I would definitely keep things as short as possible in your reply such as "I wasn't aware of your schedule. In the future please provide it ahead of time as agreed upon so this doesn't happen again. See you at 5:30" Or, "Please confirm you are coming at 5:30. I will be leaving the house at 5:45 and will bring (child) with me if you're not able to make it for our agreed schedule".

Short...not kind...not apologetic. Just factual. And then keep record of all the nasty correspondence incase you need it.

And also breathe a sigh of relief that you don't have to deal with his nastiness as much as you would have to if you were to stay married to him.

Do not let him talk to you like that....be short, succinct and to the point and he'll eventually get bored with verbally assaulting you as he moves on to other targets (a next girlfriend perhaps).

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I agree bulletproof, but no one I know will even get near him to be my witness because he's extremely rude.

 

He's a pathological liar.

 

It might not be something that you arrange with someone you know. It might be something the court arranges. I do think you need to start being very pragmatic, use the court as much as possible, and remove the emotional component (from your end) as best you can. And keep communication to a minimum, as well as keeping it in email/text for documentation. Do not get sucked into his drama.

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One of the best ways to handle this is to schedule regular pickup times. Then give him a hour leeway each time to account for unpredictable things like traffic etc.. Assume he is coming and wait for the hour, and if he doesn't show by the end of the hour, then you go about your business, then he doesn't get to see his son until the next schedule time.

 

It doesn't pay to make things a battleground and to fight over things that should be strictly scheduled and adhered to, with a reasonable leeway time for each pickup to allow for things like traffic. Just tell him he has the option to pick his son up on the scheduled times with a 'grace period', and you will assume he is coming on those days. If he doesn't come, then he may come at the next scheduled interval. Just get him on a regular schedule, and if he shows on schedule good, if not, you just go about your business. And document whether he does or does not show up at the scheduled times. That is how the court usually handles these situations.

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He certainly does sound manipulative. It also sounds as though he is purposely difficult to cause you hassle or drama. Ask him to email you his working schedule ... if he doesn't and he tries to pull this again you can then call his bluff by asking him to RESEND the original email. It will soon stop him playing manipulative games.

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It might not be something that you arrange with someone you know. It might be something the court arranges. I do think you need to start being very pragmatic, use the court as much as possible, and remove the emotional component (from your end) as best you can. And keep communication to a minimum, as well as keeping it in email/text for documentation. Do not get sucked into his drama.

 

^This. Pragmatic, practical. Start looking at this as more of an arms length transaction similar to how you would treat a job. If a client shows up without an appointment, it's on them if you are not there or available. If they have an appointment and show up two hours late without rescheduling or calling, their appointment is cancelled. It doesn't matter what he rants and raves about. In fact, the more insults he throws your way, the better for you. You just send all that to your lawyer and the court will be able to see clearly that he is unhinged. He is making your case for you really, so be thankful. As already pointed out, keep records. Document everything and ship it to your lawyer for his file. 15-20 mins late might be reasonable, always late is not, 2 hours late is definitely not reasonable at all. Realize that he is digging his own hole and that is to your absolute benefit. Let that thought keep you strong.

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Wow, that's nasty. Email/text him and tell him all schedules need to be posted in writing to you via either email or letter. Don't tell him this verbally, make sure it's all in writing. That way you don't end up playing he said/she said. Don't just drop everything to accommodate him should he suddenly decide to change his schedule. Remind him that he's the one violating the court-ordered time of pickup, something you'll be speaking to your attorney about should this keep happening. I would also tell him plainly that you are more than willing to work with him on schedules, but the nastiness and the lack of written communication and him sticking to the agreed court orders will make this all needlessly hard. Make sure your email is cced to your lawyer and whoever is handling the court visitations where he can see it. He'll see he can't bully you into going along with his changing a court-ordered mandate on his visitation rights and that you won't deal with it except in writing AND that you'll let his bad behavior be known to the court and your attorney.

 

That should cool things in a hurry. He's trying to gain control and he will jerk your and your son around mercilessly if you let him. I've seen that done with a relative and it wasn't until he stood up and did something like what I outlined above that his ex stopped with all the weird visitation changes and last minute "Oops, I can't make it," just because she knew it would get to him.

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I agree with lavanderdove. Sometimes 20-30 minutes is just life, and sometimes you want to get stuff done before you have the child. If he never makes it before 12:20, change the time to 12:30 and be happy that he is 10 minutes early. Don't start a war over picked nits.

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I think you should get any changes done through the court--let the court set about what the penalties are when he doesn't uphold his end of the agreement. Make sure your lawyer has proof of how he's been treating with you and the child and make sure he gets that latest missive from him. That needs to go into the record because he's being unnecessarily hostile.

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  • 2 weeks later...

OK. 20-30 minutes is really just kind of leeway. I mean really...it 30 minutes the end of the world? Unless you really do have an appointment or something I'd let that lay. Is 1 1/2 hours late for a drop off a big deal? Do you have plans? Is it really the end of the world? I know it's a huge PITA and he does it to be a jerk and get under your skin but as an outsider looking in...I couldn't let myself get worked up over that. Would you leave your hairdresser if she was always 20-30 minutes behind? I know mine is but it's not worth the hassle of finding a new one so I just adjust my time accordingly. My favorite saying of all time is "it's only a big deal if you let it be a big deal".

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