Women, age and fertility - Lif is Totally Unfair

[happpybear]

OP, I think you should really digest Batya's posts on this thread and many others, she has shared her story here and on many other threads and I think it parallels the issues you are dealing with right now, the above post by Iggles is also spot on. You have very little time unless you get your eggs frozen. I get the feeling that the thought of adoption is not hat you want and if you did it would be settling. You gotta leave this guy and start dating now, like a full time job, and be upfront with what you want--biological children with a spouse within the next few years. I am positive there are other men out there looking for the exact same thing in the same time frame who are also around your age. In my experience with dating men in their thirties and forties, they do not want to waste time.

[Ms Darcy]

Number one reason women these days don't get married and have their own biological kids? They waste months and years on men who will never marry/have kids with them.

 

There's no better way to say this. He's not interested in having kids with you. Someone else? Maybe. But not you. Thus all the stalling.

 

I think if you don't make a serious move, you risk "expiring" your ability to have children naturally.

[Ms Darcy]

He also said that I don't help him with his ideas/goals/dreams and I said that was rubbish. I do help him but perhaps I could help more if only he could articulate what he wants me to do exactly (he can't). I suggested for him maybe to see a life coach, as I didn't know what else to say/suggest.

 

So you sit him down to talk and then shoot him down for expressing himself? I think you should have just listened to his perception versus trying to be right.

[Sirenia]

Lavenderdove,

Well I never thought of it that way (financial support) and when he said 'support' I thought he meant emotional support. Unless you can read things that I can' read/see... or unless I'm misinterpreting what You are saying.

 

Thing is, he's been very supportive of me (financially) since I've been out of work. I'm not saying he pays for everything (I still live in my own place and pay my own rent) but he certainly pays for more than half.

 

To everyone else,

I thank you for your comments. You've given me tons to think about and yeah, I get it. I have to get out NOW and find another partner FAST. Yes, I could go back onto dating sites and go out on dates, I'm perfectly capable of that but emotionally I am not ready.

 

I've only been on a rebound ONCE in my life and it did not work at all. It was a mess. Because I never finished grieving the end of my first relationship, when the second one ended, I then had 2 to grieve over and I became super depressed and couldn't do anything for about 2 months.

 

I don't think I can do this to myself or to my current or future boyfriend. I don't think it's fair on anyone. I feel like I need time to heal first. Is that not reasonable?

[Sirenia]

So you sit him down to talk and then shoot him down for expressing himself? I think you should have just listened to his perception versus trying to be right.

 

I've given him support (IMHO), I've given him plenty of suggestions, but he never takes them. I've tried but I just keep hitting a brickwall so what else am I supposed to do?

[Ms Darcy]

I've given him support (IMHO), I've given him plenty of suggestions, but he never takes them. I've tried but I just keep hitting a brickwall so what else am I supposed to do?

 

I'm not suggesting you give him more suggestions. I'm saying if someone tells you that they perceive you as not doing something, best not to be defensive. Try to listen, be open, ask how to be more supportive. You catch more flies with honey. And if he says no more, you back off.

 

But I do think the overarching point is that he doesn't view you in high enough esteem to be the mother of his children or a full, supportive partner to him.

[Lonewing]

I don't think I can do this to myself or to my current or future boyfriend. I don't think it's fair on anyone. I feel like I need time to heal first. Is that not reasonable?

 

It makes perfect sense - and hence as I was saying before, a complete reboot may be in order, one where you restart where you'll have the best opportunity for work, to get re-established, to get up again.

[Sirenia]

About 4 months before I started dating my current guy (about 18 months ago from now), I went on 2 dates with a guy that I met on an online dating site. On the first date he asked if me I wanted kids. In hindsight I admit it was stupid (so please don't reply if you only want to make me feel worse) but I gave him a wishy washy answer, not because I didn't know what I wanted, and not because I was scared of scarying him off, but more that I wanted him to like me for me, as a person, and not the future mother of his children.

 

We both understood there was some kind of misunderstanding but anyway he asked me on a second date and I agreed.

 

However by the end of the night I think we could both agree there were no real feelings or chemistry but the main thing for me is that he doesn't live that close to me and I don't have a car and I had just gotten out of a semi long distance relationship and didn't want to do that again (he lived in the exact same town as my ex), as it potentially meant we could only see each other on weekends.

 

However, he's a teacher so during school holidays he'd have a lot of free time.

 

I went online just now and see that he is still on the same site and still looking.

 

Would it seem needy and desperate to contact him again and try to start afresh to see if it could work? or would it be a waste of time?

[Ms Darcy]

It's inappropriate to get in contact with a man when you are in a relationship. You can break up with your bf and then do whatever you want.

[Batya33]

I agree with Ms. Darcy and of course you don't want him to find out that you were behaving inappropriately in your relationship.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

Would it seem needy and desperate to contact him again and try to start afresh to see if it could work? or would it be a waste of time?

 

Definitely. One step before the other. How can you not be sure about breaking up with one man while thinking about arranging a date with another?

[lavenderdove]

>Thing is, he's been very supportive of me (financially) since I've been out of work. I'm not saying he pays for everything (I still live in my own place and pay my own rent) but he certainly pays for more than half.

 

You not taking responsibility and getting a job and draining some of his resources means you are not being supportive of him. He told you very clearly he hates his job and wants to finish his novel and the job he hates makes him to tired to work on it, meanwhile you're not working and taking money from him which means he must keep the job he hates that is preventing him from takings steps that meet his own goals. He is seeing you as someone who is so obsessed with her own goals (having babies and marrying and not working or looking for work) that he sees no potential for you to help him meet his goals.

 

and unless he's stupid (which he is obviously not), he knows that marrying and having babies means a huge drain on his financial resources and time that will further prevent him from meeting his goals.

 

So now you want to stay with him because you need him 'for support' while at the same time starting to chase another man while still with current BF. Seriously, you need to stop and look at your own selfishness and morals here. there is absolutely nothing wrong about deciding your goals are not compatible and breaking up over that, but there is a lot wrong with using one man for financial and emotional support while starting to chase a new one while taking support from the old one.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

You not taking responsibility and getting a job and draining some of his resources means you are not being supportive of him. He told you very clearly he hates his job and wants to finish his novel and the job he hates makes him to tired to work on it, meanwhile you're not working and taking money from him which means he must keep the job he hates that is preventing him from takings steps that meet his own goals. He is seeing you as someone who is so obsessed with her own goals (having babies and marrying and not working or looking for work) that he sees no potential for you to help him meet his goals.

 

Exactly. Thank you.

[lavenderdove]

>>(so please don't reply if you only want to make me feel worse)

 

btw, this is pervasive thru your posts... life is about so much more than your 'feelings' and if you drift around making decisions based only on your feelings at that particular nanosecond, with the perspective that if something makes you feel good it is always right, and if something makes you feel bad temporarily it is to be avoided at all costs, you will never succeed in life. Going to the dentist feels bad, but it fixes a cavity that will cause you far worse pain. and leaving a man who doesn't want marriage and kids will cause you temporary distress, but it will set you on the path to meeting larger and more important goals like meeting a man who has the same goals that you do.

 

There are so many realities in life and tough choices, that it is guaranteed that we won't always get what we want, but as adults, we need to really look at hard realities and make choices based not on avoiding the hard parts, but on what we can realistically obtain within the current situation and what choices will take us closer towards a bigger goal. It is the difference between short term gratification and long term gratification.

 

So short term gratification says it will hurt for a while to leave my BF so I will stay here and do nothing to break up with him. And rather than do that, you want to make a choice that is hugely self centered and frankly mean and immoral to chase another man while still USING that BF for emotional and financial support until you safely have another man locked down to meet your needs.

 

I can honestly see why he is saying you are not supportive. That is probably his nice way of saying you are very selfish/self centered and hence not thinking about his needs at all. And he tries to talk to you about his goals/needs, and your response is 'of course I'm supportive' and don't even try to talk to me about it, go get a life coach. But he's told you he already knows what his goals are, and frankly he doesn't need a life coach since he does know what he wants, he just needs a partner who hears him and helps him rather than claiming she is doing so while taking money from him and then bouncing him to talk to a life coach because she doesn't even want to listen to him or sees his goals as useless because they don't get her what SHE wants.

 

If you want a man to find you attractive and to want to stay with you and marry you, you really need to change that attitude. That comment is not about 'making you feel bad', it is about helping you see what may be a big problem in your life preventing men from wanting to marry you. No man wants to marry a woman who uses him and and is willing to cheat on him by looking for a new guy on his time, and who is a woman who only sees him as only a stepping stone towards her own gratification without considering his needs at all. When it comes to partnerships, it's not all about you and what you want, and if a man senses that is your perspective in life, he'll never agree to marry you and will eventually bounce you

[lavenderdove]

btw, before you get angry about my post, go back and read your own post from a year ago about your BF:

 

 

 

He told you he didn't want to marry or have kids, and that whole thread is about you wanting him to pay for things and 'be the man' and pay for you, and him wanting you to pull your own financial weight equally, and you being annoyed about it. So he was very clear about what his expectations were, and you hung around anyway and just complained about it as if complaining would fix it and mutate him into a different kind of man. It doesn't. And it got worse, with you losing you job and not really bothering to look for a new one while throwing yourself in his lap and saying you wanted to marry, have kids, and be a stay at home Mom and have him support you. You obviously heard absolutely nothing he's been telling you for the last year because it didn't dovetail with what you wanted.

 

So really, i think the only amount of time you have left with this guy is until the moment you run out of money and expect him to support you 100%, at which time he'll be fed up and give you the boot. He wants an equal partner who doesn't care about marriage and kids and one who is willing to pull her own weight and pay her own way so that he has money and time left for his own goals of being a writer. Doesn't matter whether you think his goals are wrong or not, they are what they are, and yours and his are not compatible and never have been.

 

So do yourself a favor, get on the stick and recognize that at pushing 40 you need to think more about supporting yourself and getting your career back on track because the number of men out there willing to support a 40 year old women financially while she doesn't work is not all that great. It's not the 1960s, and i know that is hard for you to hear, but odds are now good that you need to first think about your survival rather than chasing a 20 year old girl's dream of babies and a fluffy wedding dress and a man who will pick up all the bills while she goes shopping all day.

 

You may find someone and marry, but you need to really step up and start acting your age and adjust your morals and expectations to match the circumstances and also the culture at this time which expects women to be more equal partners financially than they were in the 1950-60's. This BF has never wanted the same things as you, and made it very clear he didn't intend to support you forever financially just because you are a woman and he is a man. So you'd better get a job and get your act together before he boots you out.

 

And creeping around on dating sites looking for a new man while taking his support is really really unwise.

[Iggles]

OP, this is called "keeping it real". It's not being mean or trying to hurt your feelings. This is what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. It's important to acknowledge the difference.

 

You want a husband and kids? Follow the advice that's been given. Break up with your current guy and find a job. Move to another area if you have to. THEN, in a few months time start dipping you toe back into the waters of the dating pool. FILTER for men who want to have kids and are ready for them, with aims to do so within the next few years (3-5). That means, a dude who is open to kids "someday" gets crossed OFF the list. A guy who is talking about how all his friends and close family members have recently gotten married and he wants to meet someone special for himself IS a viable candidate for consideration.*

 

Don't feel sorry for yourself. Own the choices you've made and thank your lucky stars you still have a few years to achieve your goal of having a family! Imagine you figuring all this out at 44?

 

(Tiny novel alert, haha: )

*Know that timing has the biggest impact on when men get married. They say women will marry the right man at the wrong time, while men will marry the wrong woman at the right time.. Which is more likely to lead to divorce? (Hint: timing is everything)

A man enjoying his bachelorhood is likely to marry when two things happen 1) his close friends/peers start to couple up and get married and/or 2) when he ages out of his local singles scene. Being the old guy in the club with no friends to grab a beer with because they're all in relationships isn't a position most guys want to find themselves in.

As for the men who never enjoyed bachelorhood? (That is, men who always preferred being in romantic relationships over being single) Those men married a long time ago! They knew they wanted to be husbands and fathers since they were young and prioritized finding a wife right along with establishing their career. IF they're single it's due to divorce or being a widower. Even if hurt badly by their ex-wife, in a few years time many of these men pair up with the woman who will be their next wife -- so they don't stay single for long!

[Sirenia]

Thank you everyone for your advice. Yes I was looking at dating sites to see what kind of men were out there but I had never any intention of contacting them... yet. In fact, I was using a fake, male, blank profile to look at their profiles. I think you all misinterpreted my previous post. I was just thinking about my options and ideas, but I never had any intention of doing anything right now. Not while I'm still dealing and healing. I never intended to cheat on anybody, never have and never will and don't condone it either.

 

In fact I won't be doing anything relationship-wise until I get a job.

 

Although I get what you are saying, Lavenderlove, I think you have got some things wrong about me (because I obviously haven't posted my entire life story and every single thought on this forum). For one thing, it is not and never has been my huge sole goal to have babies and be a full time stay at home mother. I only want 1 child and yes, I want to stay at home, but I want to be a work-at-home mother. THAT is my goal. I already have skills and experience that enable me to do work for clients as a freelancer/contractor. To be honest, I don't even want a child at this exact time. If I could have my way, I would have one in about 5 years' time but of course, as women we don't have that luxury of time to pick and choose when we have one, do we?

 

And actually, I have been married before so for some reason, somebody did want to marry me.

 

Thanks for your reply too, Iggles. I do think it's a matter of timing. Most of his friends are married. All his siblings are married with children. He's not the party type at all, he's introverted and used to doing things alone. Neither of us have many friends here since we are both expats. It's the same problem I had with breaking it off with my ex. It's super hard to make friends here (believe me, I've tried and most of the time they move away, and I don't want to go off the topic with this) and so when I 'lose' a boyfriend it feels like I'm losing my entire social network which makes it super hard to bear. Back home I still had good female friends to cry to and to go out for drinks and movies with. Here I have almost noone.

[lavenderdove]

>>so when I 'lose' a boyfriend it feels like I'm losing my entire social network which makes it super hard to bear.

 

You're still not getting it. Of course breakups are hard to bear, but everyone deals with them. It's not justification to hang onto your BF and use him as a free therapist and financial supplement because you are not willing to endure the temporary pain of a breakup in order to get the long term gain of finding a man who wants a permanent relationship and family with you. You've been saying the same thing about this BF for over a year, so sticking around longer isn't going to change anything, and he sounds like he is getting less and less willing to put up with your complaints and the crying in his lap.

 

You have to really take a hard look at your life and take whatever steps are necessary to get long term happiness for yourself rather than making decisions based on short term gratification and avoiding short term pain by wasting your time complaining about how life 'should' be going for you in the direction you want it to go. there are no guarantees and there are no 'should's' that equate to reality. If you WANT something, you have to DO something to get it. Sometimes you are able to get what you want, and sometimes not, so you need to learn to always work diligently towards long term goals while avoiding the temptation to linger too long in short term gratification that gets you nowhere.

 

The reality is you are a woman who is pushing 40, has been out of work for 10 months, is running out of money, and who is making decisions that keep her stuck in a situation that is getting her no closer to settling her problems of deciding where she needs to live in order to get a job, moving to where she can get a job, and spending her time looking for an appropriate man rather than crying that it hurts to break up with a man who doesn't want marriage and kids so she won't do it. It will hurt a lot worse if you run out of money and he gives you the heave ho because he has no intentions of supporting you financially 100%.

 

These are your priorities given the circumstances:

 

1. do research to determine where you can realistically find a full time job and support yourself.

2. move to wherever that is.

3. throw yourself into finding that job, and get one

4. start looking for a new BF.

5. instantly weed out any men who say they are not looking to marry and don't want children.

6. focus on dating only men who have common goals with yours, and don't waste any time on those who don't.

7. start saving for retirement, because you are in your prime earning years and need to think about that as much as you think about babies.

 

Meanwhile, re-establish connections with friends and family (wherever they are) and put time into making new friends to get your emotional support. You already have very clear signs that your current BF is getting tired of the situation and is losing interest in providing you with emotional/financial support since he feels you are not providing him with the support that he needs either. So that is a clear sign that it is time to get your life in gear and stop depending on him financially or emotionally since that isn't going to last much longer.

 

btw, we all get it. You want to find a man who will assume financial responsibility for you and your desire to stay home, have kids, work a little part time job while the hubby picks up the lion's share of the tab for your dream life. It's a lovely idea, but frankly it is not really practical given that you are almost 40 and don't have a full time means of support and are dwindling your savings down to nothing while pining for that dream that isn't coming true with the current man in your life. And sadly, not that likely to come true given that though many men may be willing to marry a woman in her late 30s and have a kid, but most of them are not willing to instantly assume all financial responsibility for her to be a stay at home Mom either.

 

So go where you can find a full time job. Find one, and look for a man who is interested in marrying and having a child. But if you only want a man who will support you financially while you stay home, and expect a man to take on a 40 year old woman who has no job and no savings and let her instantly quit her job and stay home, good luck with that because you are shooting yourself in the foot with high demands. There is still time to find a man and have kids, but you need to be very focused on the fact that you can't just wing it forever with no job and the expectation to be a stay at home Mom in these economic times unless you luck into a very wealthy man. It's not impossible, but not likely either. And at your age, you need to be thinking about getting things FOR YOURSELF and not expecting a man to provide the home, money, savings, and retirement plan. You'd better get on the stick and start getting that for yourself.

 

And if are financially responsible, self supporting, and stable, then a man will see you as far more attractive a candidate for a partner than a 40 year old woman with nothing to her name crying about wanting marriage and babies and a man to pick up the tab for everything except a little 'optional' part time job she might be willing to work.

 

You've already blown 10 months of your savings by not working and chasing this current man hoping he will 'fix' your life for you, and the situation will become dire if you don't get a grip and re-adjust your priorities and get back on track soon. You can afford to screw around some financially when you're in your early 20s, but you really need to get your act together now that you are almost middle aged. It starts to get much harder to get people to hire you when you're middle-aged, so these are your prime earning years, and you need to find a good job and work it and start building your savings back up again so that you don't get into desperate financial straits from losing a job in middle age or beyond.

[HeartGoesOn]

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