Mentally ill mother - how to forgive the unforgiveable

[t1lersm0m1]

My mother is bipolar. I excuse a lot of behavior because of her mental illness. But I don't think I can forgive her again.

 

My father was the most patient man I knew. Unfortunately he died in November 2011. My brother moved to California fall of 2012. My mother has alienated herself from any friends and family she had. My 15 year old son and I are all she has.

 

It seems that anytime I start getting close with a man in an intimate relationship she starts freaking out.

 

My brother was living with us at the time, and his girlfriend who lived 10 minutes away, spent the night 3-4 times a week. My boyfriend lived an hour and 15 minutes away. I mentioned to her on a Sunday night that I was going to invite him to spend the night that Wednesday so we could see each other during the week. I partially handled it wrong, I should have asked permission since I live in her house. Well, that night she didn't say anything about him spending the night. The next day she sends me nasty texts at work with a litanny of reasons he can't spend the night. So I called her and said then she better tell my brother his girlfriend can't spend the night either. She threw me out. I stayed at my boyfriend's two nights but then found a friend to stay with. On the third day I went to my mother's house to get clothes and she attacked me, verbally and physically.

 

She did it again this Friday. I am dating a black man. She hates that I am dating a black man. She is judging him solely on his race. I used to be a bad judge of character, but went through tremendous emotional growth last year. I learned to love myself and built my self-esteem. I no longer make the mistakes I used to make in the past.

 

So Friday she starts on me. I'm trying not to make this post too long, but there has been this tension between us for the past month + since I told her my boyfriend is black. Friday the volcano erupted.

 

She called me a N lover. Called me a fat pig, said black men love fat pigs. Told me I stink, asked if it's his stench on me. Spit in my face three times. I wouldn't spit in my worst enemy's face, but she spit in her daughter's face three times. THREE times. Physically attacked me. I had scratches on my neck and my hand. I don't have a bruise but my arm is sore where she hit me.

 

I really don't think I can forgive this. Not again. She did it August 2012 and now she's doing it again. As I'm writing this she has tried texting me to apologize, and when I didnt' accept her apology she is calling me crazy and a spoiled brat. I pay $200 a month to live with her, and buy some groceries. In that sense I am spoiled, I admit it. But I pay for our vacations, which there are 2-3 a year and they are beautiful vacations that cost a few thousand each. I cut the grass in the summer. I do the laundry every week. I do all of her running around since she became a hermit after my father's death.

 

She is a hypocondriac (sp?). Her latest ailment is overactive bladder which no medcation or surgery has fixed. I insert a catheter (sp?) into her every day.

 

So while I get away living with her very cheaply, I also do A LOT for her. And because I am the only one around, she is emotionally abusive to me. Passive aggressive....ignores me for days at a time, treats me terrible. She has even cried on the phone with my brother telling him how badly she treats me.

 

Right now I'm living with my friend Kathy, and my son is with his father for Christmas. I have to look for a permanent place to stay, and luckily I make good money and have savings that will make it affordable to rent a nice place.

 

But I really don't think I can ever forgive her. I don't think I can forgive the unforgiveable a second time. I know she is mentally ill, but she can try to change. She has no desire to change.

[Romeo November]

Do not forgive her. Move on and away. It will not be the last time you are judged and treated horribly. Do not worry about her and worry about yourself. When you are in a good spot in yourself, then you can think about it again but only when she starts treating you with respect and kindness.

[lavenderdove]

OK, you're an adult, and you have a teenaged son to look after. That needs to be your first priority, finding a new place for you and your son to live. You should be living on your own and not with your mother if she is abusive. And once you are living on your own, what you do with your life is your choice, and you don't have to share any information with her that you don't feel like sharing.

 

And frankly, you should not be spending several thousands per year on vacations if you don't have a place of your own where you live. You need to get your own place and get enough of a buffer in the bank so that you are not financially dependent on your mother in any way.

 

Next, you need to do some research on social services in your area that help mentally ill people. She may need to be living in a group home for the mentally ill if she is older bi-polar and doesn't take her medication. You should not expose yourself to this kind of abuse, and if she is bi-polar, it could escalate into some dangerous violence that could seriously injure you or take your life (or your son's life) if she swings off the deep end totally, which can happen with bi-polar people.

 

So your first task is to get yourself and your son living in a safe environment away from her (i.e., don't return to her house). Then work on getting her evaluated by professionals and getting her into some programs for the mentally ill so they can deal with her. If she does stabilize again you might consider visiting her, but do not continue living with her.

[missmarple]

I have nothing to add to lavenderdove's advice, I agree on every single point. I just wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening to you, I can't imagine how hard it is to have your own mother treating you that way. Hugs and, please, look for some new place to live...maybe your boyfriend can help you, too?

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks for the replies. I love her but it's clear we can no longer live together and finding a place is my number one priority. I lived with her so long because it allowed me to give my son more but we can figure out how to do well without her.

 

I just can't believe, even with her mental illness she could do this again.

[Unreasonable]

Imho, being biolar is no excuse for this type of behavior. While it is not uncommon to be irritable, abusiveness is not an intrinsic bipolar trait. That's all her, and she needs to be held accountable for it. No one should allow themselves to be treated that way.

[abitbroken]

Thanks for the replies. I love her but it's clear we can no longer live together and finding a place is my number one priority. I lived with her so long because it allowed me to give my son more but we can figure out how to do well without her.

 

I just can't believe, even with her mental illness she could do this again.

 

What "more" is that? I would definitely move out and if your relationship ends up not working out - don't date until you get your life established. Also, she has the right to refuse anyone into her home for any reason. Stop paying for vacations and use that money to give the son the "more." (and hopefully that means better schooling and health care and NOT more video games and garbage to keep up with friends) I would still probably do the lawn if she is unable. Kids do that sort of thing for parents. That is not bad to do. You may find that once you are out of her territory - it may take weeks or months = she could be slightly less hostile.

[galik49]

Don't talk to her at all.

[t1lersm0m1]

I wish I had listened to everyone. She didn't attack me again but I came back in December and she threw me out again last week. I'm back at her house but I found a place for my son and I to live and hopefully it will be ready June 1.

 

I'm such a fool.

[t1lersm0m1]

I put up w it because she's my mom and I love her but you're right.

 

I'm such an idiot.

 

Imho, being biolar is no excuse for this type of behavior. While it is not uncommon to be irritable, abusiveness is not an intrinsic bipolar trait. That's all her, and she needs to be held accountable for it. No one should allow themselves to be treated that way.

[t1lersm0m1]

My boyfriend broke up with me. He basically said what you said. He wants me to stand alone before I rely on him. Now that I see you posted this I feel better about him saying it. I needed perspective and even though you posted this in December it helped me today.

 

What "more" is that? I would definitely move out and if your relationship ends up not working out - don't date until you get your life established. Also, she has the right to refuse anyone into her home for any reason. Stop paying for vacations and use that money to give the son the "more." (and hopefully that means better schooling and health care and NOT more video games and garbage to keep up with friends) I would still probably do the lawn if she is unable. Kids do that sort of thing for parents. That is not bad to do. You may find that once you are out of her territory - it may take weeks or months = she could be slightly less hostile.