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so so lost :'(


alnpa555

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Hi I just joined eNotAone approximately 5 minutes ago. Needing advice so bad. My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years and for the last month has been talking nonstop to a girl that is not me... at first it was "she's just someone new to talk to." Of course I'm jealous because he barely talk to me, but, hey, I get it. We really don't have much to talk about and its nice to have a friend but at the same time let me take u all back before he actually started talking to her. So he's drunk and we're, u know getting intimate, so he starts telling me he wants to have sex w/ another person and of course this others girl's name comes up. I just kinda blew it off because hey he's drunk and whatever. Not even a week later they're texting nonstop. But like I said hey he can talk to other ppl, and I trust him - I still do. Their relationship is more than friends. He's told me he wants to have sex with her. And I would allow that, because Idk I love him and never want to hold him back. He wants to BE with her though. Not just sex. Sex I could deal with. He has told her what he wants and she's pretty much just stated if it happens it happens. He tells me everything, I trust him. He won't do anything if he's in a relationship with me. But he still wants to. It makes me feel like I'm in his way of being happy. I told him to stop talking to her, he can't. He's drawn to her. I love him so much, part of me just wants to leave him so he can try something with her. He knows this relationship of his is wrong and he apologizes but can't stop w/ her. I just don't know what to do. I can't leave, I really have no where else to go. I don't want to go. But I feel in his way, and I shouldn't have to feel that way. I'm so lost and I never thought this would happen with us. He's always been so committed until her.

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You should definitely leave and definitely let him do whatever he wants. Your relationship can't survive jealousy, mistrust, contempt and an outright, flat out "I want to be with someone else". Why don't you have anywhere else to go? Get your self respect in order and get ouuuuttttta there.

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He tells me everything, I trust him. He won't do anything if he's in a relationship with me.

 

Oh but he is, and even though you're in the land of denial - you FEEL it. He's having an emotional affair with her. He may be physically still faithful to you - but Elvis has left the building. He's involved in talking to her, texting her, and anticipating what it will be like to be with her - not just sexually, but as his significant other.

 

He has already left you in all but the formal words. No wonder you're hurting.

 

You need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him how you see it. And tell him you need to work out a way that you can break things off with him. I'm figuring you mean you physically don't have anywhere else to go? I'd start seeing if there's a close friend or family member you can move in with.

 

You're basically sitting at home watching him with someone else, and that is only going to hurt more and more each day. Make a clean break so you can start healing - don't torture yourself like this. I'm sorry you're going through this - but prolonging the misery isn't going to make him wake up and realize what he's losing. He has to lose it. And you need to start healing and getting your emotions back on track, not have them rubbed raw daily by witnessing him infatuated with someone else.

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What I mean when I say I have no where to go 1. I have been a stay at home mom for 5 years, I have no money and no work experience worth bragging about 2. I have no friends, none, and family is hard. I don't think I could move in with his family, that might be a bit awkward and my mom currently doesn't have room for me and 2 kids. I've thought of all of this. Its so hard...

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All I see in your post is how you think you are an inconvenience to him, how you feel like you are stopping him from being happy with this other woman...well. but how about you? What about how you feel, your happiness?

 

Yes, I also think you should leave, but not to give him "the chance to be happy", but because it's time you respected yourself more than you do at the moment, and stop putting up with him walking all over you! He is obviously bored with the relationship he's in with you, and looking for some excitement. That woman provides just that - she's new and willing (even though she knows he's in a relationship).

 

The only way I see out of this messy situation is for you to put your big girl panties on, and say "enough is enough". Don't ask him to drop her (he won't, or even if he does, there will be someone else), don't ask for a last chance, don't try to change his mind. He's disrespected you to a degree that's unforgivable.

You say you have nowhere to go - do you have parents, friends? Just explain the situation to whomever you're closer with, and I'm sure they'll be happy to help you. Being on your own is way better than staying in a mock-up relationship where he is trampling all over you! Plus, the way it looks, sooner rather than later you'll have to do that anyway, because your boyfriend may end it himself, so he can be with his new love, and if that happens, you'll have to deal with humiliation, on top of the pain from the breakup.

If you end it yourself, you'll feel good about yourself, for standing up to a guy who had total disregard for you and your feelings.

 

Good luck!

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What I mean when I say I have no where to go 1. I have been a stay at home mom for 5 years, I have no money and no work experience worth bragging about 2. I have no friends, none, and family is hard. I don't think I could move in with his family, that might be a bit awkward and my mom currently doesn't have room for me and 2 kids. I've thought of all of this. Its so hard...

 

I just saw this after I replied to your post. You definitely can't move in with his family, as they will more than likely be on their son's side, after the breakup.

You say your family is hard, but it's still family. Try talking to your mom, maybe together you'll come up with an idea. You've been common law with your boyfriend, right? So he will have to pay child support, right?

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Both kids are his. And you've been together 7 years.

 

Start researching. See what the laws are to be considered common law married in your state regarding alimony and spousal support. Child support is a given. And think long and hard about what you want to do with YOUR life. School? Career school? Training on computers?

 

I would start looking around at some women's help groups. Get some advice on viable career options. Contact legal aid for a consult on what you might be able to get from him to assist you. And get your ducks in a row.

 

Then sit his sorry butt down and talk to him. Having his cake and eating it too is not an option, and walking away from his family will come with a price. Formally married or not, he's no better than any emotionally cheating guy formally married at this point. And he needs to decide if his family is worth throwing away for Ms. Side Dish. It sounds like he's not going to make that decision unless you push him - he's going to let the situation ride as long as you'll let it. So start grabbing some control back.

 

Get more information. Figure out what your options are. Get a game plan together. And then confront his butt and lay it on the line.

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Its hard w/ my family because my mom can't be alone w/ kids - long story but she didn't do anything it was a situation she was in. Very complicated. She also has someone living w/ her that I wouldn't trust around my kids. So I don't see how it could work unless she told that other kid to leave, which she might. I don't even want to begin to have this conversation with anyone and Idk about the child support

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Child support is a given if you split. You don't even have had to have been in a relationship to get child support, much less married. You just need to start making some contacts and feel like you have at least SOME options here.

 

It doesn't sound like mom is an option.

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Just some reading information.

 

There should be a legal aid office in your state. I would start there, and maybe your local woman's shelter to see what resources they offer in the way of assistance groups. If you belong to a church, your priest or pastor may also have some suggestions.

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He won't do anything if he's in a relationship with me.

 

But he already is doing other things while he's in a relationship with you--he's getting his emotional needs fulfilled by some othe woman and now he's demanding you go let him have a full-blown relationship including sex with her? How is that "not doing anything"? I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but you essentially let him do the camel fable trick of "let me just stick my nose out a teeny bit and see how far I can take this before she puts her foot down." And now the camel is shoving you out of your own relationship and is off with someone else.

 

I'm sorry this is all happening, but this is the point where you need to grow a spine and land down on him hard. First you quietly go see an attorney, then you quietly go make sure any monetory accounts in your name and other assets are placed in such a way he can't get at them and drain them leaving you penniless and trapped. After those two things are done you let the anger propel you into action. You sit him down then tell him you are suing him for child support and keeping the house, you pack a bag and tell him to to his (expletive) and that you'll see him in court. You get angry, you get cold and calm with him, you demand respect. And you don't threaten this, you do it. Then get yourself to some sort of counseling, figure out what you're going to do with your life and why you've got so little self-esteem that you run around with essentially "I withhold my foul breath from your face" attitude toward the man who up to this point has claimed to love you and is the mother of his children.

 

I know I'm being harsh, but you need to wake up. He's taking full advantage of you. Your only other option is you sit him down and tell him it's a fully open relationship then and you get to also go out and have other men on the side. Then you both sit some ground rules up about it and you go and do it too. That's another way to make it work--he doesn't like it? Too bad, boo hoo. Then tell him if he wants you to be exclusive he has to do the same, no exceptions and no double standards. You aren't his property.

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Also you may find inspiration in this woman's story. She pretty much faced the same thing, but got through it just fine after standing up for herself and her kids too since yes, these things also harm the kids. No matter how much people want to fool themslives into thinking otherwise. Anyways read it and hopefully you may see yourself in her story and take some tips or at least inspiration that all is not lost just yet.

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He has emotionally invested himself in her now.. which has caused a stir with you guys.

Openly admitting he wants her to you- wow, at least he's honest...

He's gona & found something 'new & exciting', and once this excitement wears down, I bet he'll turn your way again.

IF he does go for this... it may be like a 'rebound relation'.

 

I would leave him.. why dont you have anywhere to go? No family.. friends.. you live with him?

Get out of there.. walk AWAY from him & this crap. He is showing NO respect for you or your relationship.

Let him go!

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Thanks everyone for the advice. Tonight is gonna be us, kids are going to his mom's. I think we're going to have a serious talk. Its going to be hard. I'm not worried about getting any kind of legal aid, as neither of us have anything. We can't even pay our bills ourselves at this point with what he's bringing in. I've been thinking a lot and I might move in w/ my mom and see if we can have her "not to be left alone w/ kids" crap lifted. I'm sure its possible, she just hasn't pursued it. I will look for a job, save up and get my own place. It'll be hard but I've actually been kinda happy thinking about what I can do for myself. Its been awhile since I could say I've taken steps I've wanted to in order to be happy w/ myself. Unless he completely stops talking to this other girl, its never going to be just about "US" ... see what happens later I guess. Wish me strength and luck

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Good luck and have strength. Remember you are the mother of his children and you have rights too. Stand up for yourself, stand up for your kids, stand up for your own boundaries. You will survive this whatever the outcome. And everyone here at ENA will be there if you need to vent, ask advice or just talk to people who've gone through similar situations. We all have that moment where a relationship is either going to go forward or end and we all survive it, many of us even go on to have a totally amazing life with someone else who is a million times better. Keep all that in mind. Hugs.

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When I read the first post in this thread, all I saw was "he wants this" and "he said that" and "I'm in his way." Quit thinking of him and his wants, that's not your problem. Start thinking of yourself and your kids. Trusting him is a mistake. Let me say that again: trusting him is a mistake. Unfortunately with him having a job(?) and therefore control of the income, you are already at a disadvantage. He knows this. He thinks you are powerless and he's in control and can do whatever he wants. Once he sees you being proactive (instead of reacting to him and what he's doing and saying) he will lose a bit of that cockiness and arrogance he's got going on now, and you will gain the confidence you need to be successful in this.

 

This woman he's seeing (or wants to see) she is the symptom, not the problem. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. There is lots of good advice in this thread . . . read it over. Several times if necessary. I know you think it's impossible to leave, but it sounds like it's impossible to stay. Again, you need to be proactive here, not reactive. Don't wait for him to make a move, you make it first and if that means staying with your mom while you look for employment, then do that (hopefully that is an option for you).

 

Let us know how it's going.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry I haven't replied. Too embarrassed to say I'm still here and to fill any of u in on the bull I'm still putting myself through. I gotta grow a backbone soon or I'm gonna go insane. I know it wouldn't be easy to leave, but what's holding me back is not wanting to let go. How can we love people so much even as we question whether they even love us a little????

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