sunshine97 Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Being shy, I've been caught in a vicious cycle with online dating. I keep wanting to give up on it, and I even do sometimes, but I always go back. Please comment and share your opinions and experiences with online dating. I am an attractive single (never married) white woman in her early 30's, who is in shape, has a pretty smile and an advanced degree. I've never been married or had children, by choice. I don't complain in my profile; rather, I use that time to talk about me and what I'm looking for. Essentially, I am a simple woman who loves the simple life, adores travel (and has the pics to prove it), and states that I am using this platform to see what happens, and express that I only want a relationship if it's mutually beneficial for both of us. I've been on all of the dating sites, and have raised my standards considerably over the years. A few of my experiences include: meeting a teacher who was really an exhibitionist with a gambling addiction, a guy who had tripled in size from his picture (and who wanted to be exclusive before meeting), a twice-divorced guy who date-raped me on the second date (so glad I miscarried), a creepy three time divorced guy who tried to friend me on facebook 10 months later, a guy who threatened suicide because left one dating site and he found me on another (mind you, I only messaged this guy a few times), a toothless guy whose mommy does background checks on who he dates (and is still stalking me while posting ads saying that he's not sure I'm coming back to him and slandering me online two years later), a guy who I went on one date with who popped up five months later out of the blue and went ballistic when I ignored him (turns out he worked for a well-known bank and stole my information and found out where I live), and blasted me online with personal information stating that I am a fraud simply because I listed the major metro I live in instead of the suburb that I actually live in. Several times, the "single" guy turns out to be the guy who hasn't filed for divorce yet, and I end up unknowingly going on a date with someone else's husband, and I'm told that I am "missing out" when I stop communicating. And these are just a few of the highlights. From these experiences, it's a wonder I continued trying. But I don't know what else to do. I live in a major metro area and haven't made a lot of friends yet since I am shy, and this city is in the bible bet and I am not a churchy person anymore. I figure that everyone is online, and if I meet a person offline, then they may be juggling some women online too. But I've had it with these brief template-style messages, prying for personal information early on, wanting to meet quickly, demanding sex, the deplorable grammar skills, not "really" being single, referring to women as "girls", and what gets me most of all: the insecurity and constant need for reassurance that these guys have. But I feel stuck. I think I do well at weeding the guys out, as I won't respond to a guy if you can see a female cropped out of his photo, he has bad grammar, has not attained a college degree etc. I also am pretty versed on detecting red flags, and find them in a majority of the men I interact with. Do you find that online dating attracts men (and women) like this, or is this just how dating is today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Are you for real? Are these the men you have chosen off dating sites? This is the worst case of choosing the bad apples I have read. I am skeptical of online dating and never done it. Good luck with finding a good apple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Those are some pretty horrific experiences! Are you saying that you haven't met any "normal" (but maybe incompatible) people too?? I find that strange. I have met some good people and good bfs online (and some weird people too). Are you taking the "normal" precautions of: - meeting fairly early on in the interactions for a coffee in a public place - keeping your first few dates in public - not revealing any personal information (where you work (industry ok), your last name, where you live, etc) until you've met them a few times and feel comfortable I think it's somewhat inevitable that you will meet a few weirdos. Weirdos are out there and certainly on dating sites. But... there are also a ton of good people... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 If the above examples are typical of your experiences, you might need a better filter. I've gone on 30+ dates this year and not a single woman has exhibited anything close to this behavior (though my date in a few hours might be the first). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsomnia912 Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Well being a guy whose given up on all that crap I'll tell you my experiences.... Women go through 1000s of interests a week. Guys know they need to do something to make them stand out... They lie like crazy fake pics and well I'm sure you got the point. Online dating is a disgrace... Its a shopping mall for flesh and when you have so many options, you naturally go the the best of the best. I gave up completely because women are just frustrating as hell... Interested one day, not the next. I always had a well written profile. Lots of interests, hobbies and in general it was well rounded. Always made first contact with nice flirty or funny remarks, never vulgar or rude. Never looking for a "hookup" but the real thing. I constantly was rejected or ignored over and over. I'm not ugly by any means, I'm in shape, steady income, open and honest and have a good moral compass. In short I'm an avg well rounded guy. But I'm losing my hair and not "ripped" its bad genes... Not much I can do. I took my profile picture off and received 4x more conversations until I gave a pic. Then interest was lost or text messages were suddedly not responded to anymore. Needless to say it was brutal and made me sad. Since then i have just deleted my stuff and given up. I refuse to be part of such a mockery of something that should be genuine and pure. "If your not not the best, you fail the test" That's my experience and thoughts on online dating from a mediocre guys point of view... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine97 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 Fortunately for me, the worst of the experiences were in the beginning of my online dating career. I've become better at "weeding" them out, but still not good enough apparently. The few guys who seem normal don't seem interested in me, or according to a few of my guy friends, want me to chase them. And I just cannot chase a guy- I'm a little old-fashioned. After the toothless stalker, I became super-serious about being cautious. But when I won't call or text right off the bat, won't tell my last name, employer, birth date, if I live alone or the name of my hometown right away then the accusations start and I end it right then and there. The one things that get the guys the angriest is when I won't narrow down the name of my suburb in our metro area. They don't take it too kindly when I say: "I'm a single woman, I have to be careful!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine97 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 Haha, I know! I've gotten better at filtering, but have a long way to go! Hope your date turns out well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine97 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 Interesting to hear a guy's point of view, and I'm sorry that you endured that from women on the dating site. Hoping that you find someone who loves you for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsomnia912 Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Thank you sunshine for the nice comment. I wish the same fate finds you as well someday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shellyf62 Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 I have the misfortune of being 51, curvy and have an adult child living at home! These 3 things seem to make men my age run the other way. They all seem to want 30yr old supermodels as a trophy wife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 I've had lots of experience in online dating. I first tried it 8 years ago and I had gone on over 40 dates in a year and a half. Second round is now, for the last 2-3 months. This time I've gone out with 6 or 7 guys. Some of them had lied in their profiles (mostly about age/height). With most of them there was just no chemistry and some of them I liked but we wanted different things. A few I've kept as friends. However, I've never come accross such horrible people as the ones in your post. You're either extremely unlucky or you overlook some clues in your communication with those guys before you meet them. Personally, what I do BEFORE I meet someone is person is first make sure they're single/divorced if I have the slightest doubt (I may have been too lucky but it hasn't happened to me yet to meet someone who ended up being married), second I don't meet anyone I feel even a little uncomfortable with (it could be something simple like their choice of words in typing or tone of voice on phone), third I immediately stop communication with guys who put pressure on me for any reason (like insisting to know where I work, where I live, how many guys I talk to etc) and, finally, I always meet in a public place, go there on my own and leave on my own for at least the first 2-3 dates. And, of course, even if you do everything right, luck is a big part of online dating and some people know how to hide their true colours...but, I think, the same goes for dating in the offline world, too. There will always be liars and jerks around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendahke Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 My experiences have been lackluster when it comes to online dating. The men I like--based solely upon what their profile says their interests and life outlook are, which are completely in line with what I'm looking for--are never interested in me. Meanwhile, even after I explicitly point out what I'm looking for, I get responses from guys that are the complete opposite. Every now and then someone I'm interested in contacts me and we exchange emails up to the point where he will say "perhaps we should talk on the phone to one another" and then... ...nothing for two weeks. That's when I put them on block. If they were serious, they'd offer up a phone number or personal email address. I notice that I get a lot of responses on either Friday nights or Sunday mornings--and that makes me think that they are either married or involved with someone because they don't contact me during the week in the evenings. I stopped putting store in finding a partner online. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fushigidane Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Wow, horror stories for sure. That's not quite the way I'd put "raised standards". Maybe find a more specific dating site? Like one for people who are over 45 and like curvy people? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Many of my friends met wonderful partners through on line dating -men and women -in major metro areas, in their 30s, etc. I met over 100 men in person through on line dating, only a few bad apples. Never had a long term relationship but met men who wanted that with me. My horror stories were fun war stories but I didn't let them get me cynical/jaded. How are you working on your shyness? Have you tried interacting with people in a more comfortable setting like a sport, the gym, volunteer work, or square or swing dancing classes(how my friend met her husband). What else do you do to try to meet people? I lived in a major metro area the whole time I was single -24 years of dating on and off (when I wasn't in a relationship). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine97 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 I think it's a combination of luck and, in my earlier days, not being wise about who I choose. Most of the bad apples are those who I A) moved to offline communication quickly or B) Met in person quickly (like the next day). Even the supposed "good" ones turn insecure after a phone call and/or meeting in person, and expect me to chase them. This is what my married guy friends tell me, along with saying that I seem almost too good to be true. And what is up with guys expecting me to give my last name, hometown, employer, and/or living situation before even meeting in person or having a few dates? They get mad when I refuse, and one acted like I was a fraud (like the bank dude who used his position to gain info about me), simply because I listed the metro area as my city on my profile- not my tiny town of 4,000 people. Seriously, who is going to give all of that personal information up front? I know that's one thing I never did with online dating. I have friends against online dating who say "there's a reason they're online" and a few acquaintances who believe in it since they met "the one" online. The successful ones make it sound so easy, and I've still had bad luck with trying their tips. I feel alone in this big city because I am not a Christian, and it's in the bible belt. I just finished graduate school so I've not had much time to devote to meeting people. I've went to a few meetup groups for freethinkers, but many of the men were homosexual. Part of me feels that I shouldn't try to meet others (both male and female), as I am not content here and am looking to move somewhere not so conservative. The few places I've gotten involved in are not places where single men are, and I don't think I would feel safe to give a guy my contact information after seeing him one time out in public. The trouble is, most places where I meet men are those places where it's just a one-time sighting. Has anyone else been satisfied with their decision to swear off online dating? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 I think if you're going to meet someone in person it's fine to share last name/place of employment. I wouldn't meet anyone in person without a last name given unless I could find it by googling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laura40 Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 I don't online date at the moment, it's just too much hassle for me personally and I was really getting fed up of the constant chit chat with guys, then them disappearing into thin air. It was tough. The last time I was on a dating website I had about 30 conversations over a period of around 2 months with men, I didn't meet one of them, they all disappeared even though most messaged me first and the conversations seemed lengthy, and they seemed interested. I know it's part of online dating though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 I don't online date at the moment, it's just too much hassle for me personally and I was really getting fed up of the constant chit chat with guys, then them disappearing into thin air. It was tough. The last time I was on a dating website I had about 30 conversations over a period of around 2 months with men, I didn't meet one of them, they all disappeared even though most messaged me first and the conversations seemed lengthy, and they seemed interested. I know it's part of online dating though. I don't think that should be part of it at all. One or two emails and a phone convo and if no meeting then move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunsie Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 Those are really bad experiences. I've tried online dating on and off and I think I know how you feel. I'm a bit shy but can come out of my shell quickly. I haven't had much luck either. Men I like, tend to reply on and off and yes those I've made explicit I don't want continue to message me! I've met someone who 'forgot' we had a date, text me two weeks after and continue to do so for a while; a guy who rained hell down on me because a taxi driver text the last number I dialled which happened to be his, to ask how I could get my phone back after leaving it in his taxi; someone who flooded my whatsapp with semi-naked picture of themselves after I'd already said I wasn't interested! With my most recent experience of finding out the guy I had thought might be it had been using work and moving to another town as an excuse for 2 months, to hide a girlfriend of many years. I am signing off online dating! I will try to get out more and hope my friends can introduce me to someone. I've signed up to a few activity clubs in the hope to meet new people. Maybe you can try the same? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfan Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 Online dating is a disgrace... Its a shopping mall for flesh and when you have so many options, you naturally go the the best of the best. At first... but after a few months you get real and start choosing people you think you will be compatible with. And there are many others out there who have reached this conclusion and goal too. The ones who "snap" and fail to do so get all desperate (fake pics, rude messages, etc.). I think it says something poor about their moral character, the ones who do that. Despite my own major difficulties with online dating, it's hard for me to imagine meeting a woman for a relationship by any method other than online dating. I think meeting in real life is great for people who are "compatible with almost everyone", e.g. want kids, look ok, have very common interests, etc. But for people like me who are off the beaten path I think online dating is the most promising option. It has its annoyances and risks (mostly to one's personal ego)... but that builds character and the system can be "beaten" by being patient. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laura40 Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 I don't think that should be part of it at all. One or two emails and a phone convo and if no meeting then move on. I'll be honest I prefer to have more than 2 emails before a meeting. I try not to speak for more than 2 weeks online though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 Although I have not tried it yet, I have heard people's stories around it. It seems like men in their 20's have problems and women over 45 have problems, especially around selections and options. I will be slow to choose the online dating option. Not saying I would never do it, but it gives me pause. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 I'll be honest I prefer to have more than 2 emails before a meeting. I try not to speak for more than 2 weeks online though. When I was doing on line dating I was looking for a husband. I didn't have time to type and talk for 2 weeks to a stranger before meeting in person -which to me was the only relevant part of the process as far as seeing whether there was enough of a spark to go on a real date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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