What did I do wrong???

[Dougie_D]

I talked to a girl tonight. Thought the conversation was doing great. First off, I was able to isolate her from her friend. We talked, but after a good 15 minutes she goes, I probably need to sit with my friend. That was cool. I'm thinking I would see her at the end of the night. I later saw her again, getting some drinks BY HERSELF. I made conversation again. After about 10 minutes she said the same thing. As she was LEAVING the bar (going home), I felt like that I needed to get her number. I was gonna HUG her and ask for it. But when I went for a HUG, she basically said NO. What did I do wrong??

[zentoCC]

Why did you go in for a hug if you'd only known this girl for half an hour?

 

You'd have been better just asking for her number.

[SydneyGirl]

Was she giving you signs she was interested? Or just being polite and wanting to get back to her friends? Was she with a group? Post suggests she was with only one friend.

 

Next time if you're talking to a girl who is only with one friend, maybe sit with her and her friend and not try to get her own her own? You can always ask for her number and ask to see her alone another time. If I'm out with just one friend I wouldn't want to leave her on her own to talk to a guy. If I'm with a group of friends, that's a bit different.

 

And I don't think the hug is a good idea.

[morrowrd]

If it were me in your shoes, I'd get the hint. She was trying to be polite, talking to you, but she was NOT interested. How hard can that be to interpret...

 

Would you have rather she just bluntly said, "get the F away from me!" Expecting a hug when someone is trying to get away from you is ridiculous. You're one of the people she talked about when she got back to her friend, "see that creepy guy over there? he just won't leave me alone." Before you bother anyone else, learn a few social cues.

[Dragunov-21]

I talked to a girl tonight. Thought the conversation was doing great. First off, I was able to isolate her from her friend. We talked, but after a good 15 minutes she goes, I probably need to sit with my friend. That was cool. I'm thinking I would see her at the end of the night. I later saw her again, getting some drinks BY HERSELF. I made conversation again. After about 10 minutes she said the same thing. As she was LEAVING the bar (going home), I felt like that I needed to get her number. I was gonna HUG her and ask for it. But when I went for a HUG, she basically said NO. What did I do wrong??

 

Went for a hug with someone who'd already blown you off twice, would be my guess.

 

Take a hint. If the conversation was going as well as you thought she would have given you her number, come back to you later or not bugged out in the first place.

[Batya33]

I think you should have asked for her number at the end of the first conversation and if she's only with one or two people I would not focus so much on isolating her. I think it's hard to meet people in bars if you're looking for a relationship. Definitely no hugs if you've just met and chatted briefly.

[simplexity]

Doug, you don't hug any lady for the first time unless of course she do the initiative or ask for it but in your situation , it seems kinda obvious that she's not in the least bit interested let alone to stay and have a conversation with you .. you will will seem freaky doing just that , so please next time don't do that .. ok? If a girl finds ways to chat with you adn stay longer to chat with you then that means she is interested to know more about you and that should be your que to try to politely ask for her number and no , no hug ok?

[savignon]

It sounds like she just wasn't interested. I agree with trying to be better about reading social cues/body language and asking for the number before they sneak away the first time. If she had been interested you could have snagged the number, left the bar and then called her a day or so later.

[Cognitive_Canine]

She wasn't interested the first time she left to find her friend. I don't know what specifically you did wrong but it was within that first conversation.

[metrogirl]

I think she was blowing you off gently but the hug came off as super creepy. Some people don't like to have their personal space violated.

[Tanzi]

I don't think you did anything wrong - up until the hug that is. She just wasn't interested. She probably knew she wasn't giving off any signals otherwise which is why the hug wouldn't have been well received.

[tiredofvampires]

Even if you did everything RIGHT and got her number, you would have likely blown it with the hug. You don't know her well enough to know what her personal boundaries are with that, and most people don't hug when they're total strangers, unless they're drunk.

 

Also, this is where the PUA garbage bites you in the ass. "I managed to isolate her from her friend." Why would you want to do that? Most women don't want to leave their friend alone in a place like a bar, where strange men see them as targets, and for the same reason, don't want to go off with strange men themselves. If you were talking to a group of women, and then started to talk more to just one of them, that would be the only "isolation" I'd say is okay, provided you're not physically trying to remove her from the group.

 

On another thread of your threads, there was some posting about where you can meet women besides bars, and how to get better chances of striking up something real with women. As I said there, and has been said here by another poster, and has been said in every one of your threads, you need to cultivate friendly relations with women that are not in a hit-you-up setting like a bar. I don't personally think you're ever going to have success there, Dougie, to be honest, because even for the most suave of guys, it's hit and miss. For someone who has a bit of social difficulty with cues and can be awkward, it's fair to say your chances are not good in a BAR setting.

 

I meant to get back to your other thread with an alternative, and I meant to respond to one of your posts there (to me), but didn't have a chance, so here is my advice now:

 

Go to the site link removed. There you will find dozens upon dozens of clubs where you can sign up and start meeting people who go out as groups together, do stuff you may have in common, and give you a chance to even start hanging with people who have an interest you've never explored too much and are curious about. This way, you can consistently see the same girls over and over, establish yourself as a legit person who wants to socialize and have fun (without an agenda of just trying to pick someone up -- a turn-off to most women if they smell it and are lukewarm about you), and you'll have more of a variety of settings to meet people in. It'd be more like "group dates", where you mix with everyone and start striking up more personal conversations with individual women, who you don't have to be in a rush to get phone numbers from because you'll never see them again. You won't have to make sudden moves. You can cultivate an interest level patiently, to see if a woman you like is showing signs of reciprocating that, without planting an unwanted hug, kiss, or phone number request on her (all things you've tried and they've bombed). You need to find women where birds of a feather flock together with a SHARED INTEREST, not be the random dude/lone wolf.

 

So I would stop trying what doesn't work and go for an alternative approach that has a much better chance of you meeting someone where it's not a cold attempt, and coming back here to ask why it went wrong.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm glad ToV took notice of "isolate" as well. You made it sound like you cornered her. haha.

 

And a hug is really uncomfortable. You're kind of a larger guy, dougie. I don't think you realize how much women fear strange men at bars. I have been terrified many times. The guys don't mean to do it. But imagine there was a guy who had a good 50-70 lbs on you who found you attractive. Would you not feel uncomfortable if he "isolated" you from your friends? Or went in for a hug when you tried to give him a polite brush off twice?

[Dougie_D]

Well, the only time during the CONVERSATION I thought I did wrong was when she asked about my "wingman" guy. I only knew the guy from the bar and he had a girlfriend WITH HIM. He just wanted to help me out at the bar. So when my girl asked "was that your friend?" I said "no, I don't really know him." That was in the 2nd conversation.

 

If I missed earlier cues, I must be really bad. She laughing a whole lot, and when I did the gradual touching, she didn't back away. Maybe I was too aggressive. I'd bet 90% of the turn off was when she realized I barely knew the "wingman".

 

The HUG was actually a reference towards our conversation. I said "hey..what about a hug before you leave at least. The Californian way"

 

And why do girls get turned off by guys trying to hook up with them? That's the point of being at a bar, right? MEETING people??

[AE9876]

You might not have done anything wrong - she possibly just didn't fancy you (could be seeing someone). The hug bit was a bit much but you can only try and chat someone up and if someone doesn't fancy you they don't fancy you. Nothing you can do. Better luck next time.

[Dragunov-21]

Society still has this weird hang-up that sex is something a girl gives a guy, rather than just something two people do. It doesn't help that a lot of the time guys treat it that way and try to find a girl who they can get to have sex with rather than one that wants to have sex with them.

 

With all due respect, there are plenty of forums better-tailored to the kind of advice you're looking for...

 

Also, that Californian way line is lame and needs putting down. Sounds desparate, bro.

[Dougie_D]

Yeah, the HUG thing was a direct rejection. Normally, I've had NO PROBLEM getting a hug from a girl I strike a conversation earlier. It was suppose to be like a "Goodbye Hug" .

[Dougie_D]

Society still has this weird hang-up that sex is something a girl gives a guy, rather than just something two people do. It doesn't help that a lot of the time guys treat it that way and try to find a girl who they can get to have sex with rather than one that wants to have sex with them.

 

With all due respect, there are plenty of forums better-tailored to the kind of advice you're looking for...

 

Also, that Californian way line is lame and. Sounds desparate, bro.

 

Thanks! I may have to dig deeper for those other forums.

 

Regarding the Hug/Californian way line... I was a reference towards our conversation we had. I told her that I wasn't from California. I'm still learning the parts. She was born and raised, and she told me all the things she Loves about California and what's so different about it.

[tiredofvampires]

And why do girls get turned off by guys trying to hook up with them? That's the point of being at a bar, right? MEETING people??

 

A bar is for whatever I want it to be for. I can go to a bar because I want to go out with my girlfriends, or see a band, or dance, or experience sub-par restrooms. The point of being at a bar for many people too is to drink. As a woman, I might want to go just to drink with the ambiance of loud music. So it's hardly a FACT that a bar is for "MEETING people".

 

It is even less of a fact that a bar is for hooking up (even though it's common for that to happen), which is not synonymous with "meeting people". So asking why women don't want to get laid by a relative stranger and why women don't want to meet new people and lumping those questions together is really a leap, Dougie.

 

[link removed [/b] -- end of story, end of hook-up fails

[Tanzi]

And why do girls get turned off by guys trying to hook up with them? That's the point of being at a bar, right? MEETING people??

 

Umm no! Sometimes they could just be out with their friends to have a fun girly night together!! What you're imolying is that anybody in a relationship wouldn't or shouldn't be at a bar because we only go there to hook up and someone in a relationship wouldn't want that.

 

Assuming she was single or that she was there to "hook up" with someone is maybe where you went wrong. I rather suspect that your body language was that of someone who wanted to hook up with anyone rather than that of someone who was interested in her as a person.

 

Had you bothered to look beyond the fact that women are only out to get laid you might have realised that this wasn't so much about you as it was the fact that she wasn't looking to get laid and, in fact, would have rather been with her friends.

 

And there was I thinking we had moved on from those days.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Girls are not turned off by guys hooking up with them. Just because they are at a bar trying to meet people does not mean they are specifically trying to meet YOU. And, they can choose to not like you.

 

Something you did/said (most likely the hug) came off as threatening to her.

[Dragunov-21]

Thanks! I may have to dig deeper for those other forums.

 

Sorry, I might have misread your posts. They smelled a bit PUA-ey but I guess I was off-base.

 

Take this advice for what it's worth, but I'd tend to stay away from chasing hugs, if only because it's unlikely to improve your chances of getting further and can pretty easily turn embarrassing...

[tiredofvampires]

Assuming she was single or that she was there to "hook up" with someone is maybe where you went wrong. I rather suspect that your body language was that of someone who wanted to hook up with anyone rather than that of someone who was interested in her as a person.

 

THIS. If you're going in feeling that you're entitled to a hug or more, physically, because you've been conversing in a bar, maybe that's the vibe you're sending, and not every woman is going to dig the one-track mind thing.

 

And as others are saying, you may not be their type and they might decline your advances even if you were all together at an orgy.

[Dougie_D]

The door guy told me that all these girls at the bar were here to get "laid". Maybe that was him just encouraging me to talk to more girls than normal?

[Cognitive_Canine]

The door guy told me that all these girls at the bar were here to get "laid". Maybe that was him just encouraging me to talk to more girls than normal?

 

Did he talk to every single girl that night and ask them what they were there for?

 

He was probably just making a joke.