What did I do wrong???

[tiredofvampires]

And again...maybe they want to get laid, but by someone else. IF that was their reason.

 

You shouldn't be taking a bouncer's offhand remark bro-to-bro as a stand-in for judging the vibes you're getting from any woman you speak to. Don't be oblivious to the person in front of you. A bouncer can't speak for individual women, unless they had a sign out front saying, "Ladies' free drink and hook-up night". This should be common sense. And even then, you would do well not to assume things about women and what they are feeling.

 

And good vibes are not just her laughing, but also asking you questions, flirtatiously reaching out to YOU, etc. If it's all one-sided with you making the moves, subtle or overt, it's likely a one-sided desire.

[Dougie_D]

To be honest, I'm not really looking to chat with a girl all night and not getting thing out of it. It's possible that I'm like this because who my GUY friends are throughout my entire life. I've always been around guys that have "hook-ups". Before I went to the bar, I went out with my CLUB friends. They all got to grind on a girl and make out with a couple of them.

 

I know all girls don't want to hook up. I think it's just that I see it ALL the time when I'm out with my guy friends.

[Tanzi]

Well then it was extremely immature of you to believe that the bouncer knew what EVERY girl in the bar wanted!!!

[Dougie_D]

Did he talk to every single girl that night and ask them what they were there for?

 

He was probably just making a joke.

 

Actually, maybe a joke..but not a joke about kicking me out of the bar if I wasn't at least talking to a girl. Sometimes, I will go to the bar and just sit by myself and decide not to talk to anyone. I don't think he wanted see me in a position like that again.

[JA0371]

This reminds me of Jim Carrey in the movie Dumb And Dumber when he was the limo driver, and gave a tearful hug goodbye to the lady he drove to the airport..lmao!!! Weird, creepy and inappropriate!!

[Tanzi]

To be honest, I'm not really looking to chat with a girl all night and not getting thing out of it.

 

And she could probably tell that and did not find your totally lame attempts to get into her knickers attractive at all.

 

Maybe she was there to hook up with another girl and not a guy. Maybe you were treating her as some "easy" target ...

 

... or maybe she just wasn't diggin' the Dougie!!

[tiredofvampires]

If you don't want to waste your time getting "nothing out of" a conversation with a girl, then stop going to bars, where it's likely you'll keep wasting your time.

 

You can either keep trying to be a replica of every guy you're not, and keep failing, or you can find situations that suit you and who you are, and have a chance at meeting someone.

 

ETA: the bouncer was just trying to lift your morale, but he's a bouncer, it's his job to say have a good time -- especially if he knows you've struck out a lot.

[AE9876]

I thought I posted on here ages ago but it seems to have gone awol. I simply said that you possibly did nothing wrong and if someone doesn't fancy you, they don't fancy you. Nothing ventured nothing gained and nothing lost. The hug may have been a bit much though.

 

You win some you lose some, don't over analyse. However, in these enlightened times, bars are NOT meat markets or pick up joints. (Or are there different rules in America?). Sheesh, the girl was catching up with a friend over some drinks in nice surroundings! For all you know she is in a relationship. Being happy to chat to someone at the bar does not equate to wanting to date them.

 

Loosen up and enjoy your evenings out with your friends a little more - in the way that others do.

 

BTW - leaving a girlfriend too long on her own for prolonged periods whilst you are chatting with a guy can be quite bad form amongst us girls.

 

Oh and this might come accross as really bad, but when a guy offers to buy the girl and friend(s) a drink - that can be really well received and open up the proceedings. Most girls would not accept a drink from someone they weren't interested in. That might be a UK thing though?

[Dougie_D]

Buying drinks for women can be dangerous, because some girls like to abuse it. They will flirt with a nice guy knowingly that they could possibly get free drinks.

 

I'd say it's different in America. It honestly depends on the day and time. On a saturday night, it's mostly the hook up party vibe. On a sunday evening the vibe is more casual.

[Tanzi]

So single girls who aren't interested in casual hook ups or those who are in a relationship don't go to bars with their friends on a saturday night?!

[Cognitive_Canine]

To be honest, I'm not really looking to chat with a girl all night and not getting thing out of it. It's possible that I'm like this because who my GUY friends are throughout my entire life. I've always been around guys that have "hook-ups". Before I went to the bar, I went out with my CLUB friends. They all got to grind on a girl and make out with a couple of them.

 

I know all girls don't want to hook up. I think it's just that I see it ALL the time when I'm out with my guy friends.

 

That's troubling. You are acting like they owe you something for you talking to them. You're getting the exact same thing that they are getting from you - conversation.

 

And, you said you had a 15 min conversation with this girl before she walked away the first time. You really think you deserve something for 15 mins of conversation?

[Dougie_D]

That's troubling. You are acting like they owe you something for you talking to them. You're getting the exact same thing that they are getting from you - conversation.

 

And, you said you had a 15 min conversation with this girl before she walked away the first time. You really think you deserve something for 15 mins of conversation?

 

I didn't mean it like that. I mean, it's frustrating for me to constantly coming out empty handed. It's like playing a video game for an hour but forgot to save the game. That's an hour that I basically wasted. So, I try to go and meet girls thinking that I can at least get a number.If she had HUGGED me, I would have asked for her number afterwords. I just feel like I'm doing the same conversation over and over again without getting past a certain stage.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I didn't mean it like that. I mean, it's frustrating for me to constantly coming out empty handed. It's like playing a video game for an hour but forgot to save the game. That's an hour that I basically wasted. So, I try to go and meet girls thinking that I can at least get a number.If she had HUGGED me, I would have asked for her number afterwords. I just feel like I'm doing the same conversation over and over again without getting past a certain stage.

 

Sounds like your focused more on your goal than any of the women. They can probably sense that any girl with a semi-pretty face will do it for you. Just try focusing on the conversation without an agenda.

[Dougie_D]

So single girls who aren't interested in casual hook ups or those who are in a relationship don't go to bars with their friends on a saturday night?!

 

Yeah, they do...but I don't go after the ones that are hanging out with their friends. You can tell after awhile though. I observe the crowd before I talk to anyone.

[Dougie_D]

Sounds like your focused more on your goal than any of the women. They can probably sense that any girl with a semi-pretty face will do it for you. Just try focusing on the conversation without an agenda.

 

Can you honestly meet a guy and have a long conversation w/out the need or want to maybe hang out with them again?

[Tanzi]

You "don't go after the ones that ..."? You "observe the crowd"? And you wonder where you go wrong???

 

And if these girls aren't hanging out with their friends, who are they hanging out with

[Cognitive_Canine]

Can you honestly meet a guy and have a long conversation w/out the need or want to maybe hang out with them again?

 

Yes. About half of my friends are male. I've met a lot of guys I've only talked to once at some random party/bar and never wanted to pursue.

[Tanzi]

Can you honestly meet a guy and have a long conversation w/out the need or want to maybe hang out with them again?

 

Yes. If some random guy starts talking and is funny and interesting .... but then I'm obviously a lot older than you.

 

Most likely I would excuse myself if he was showing signs of wanting something I didn't want to give.

 

I not sure 15 minutes here and 10 minutes there (where she finally excused herself ) constitutes as a long conversation.

 

Maybe you would fair better if you realised that when a girl chats back to a guy it isn't always a green light to hook up with her.

[Dougie_D]

Yes. About half of my friends are male. I've met a lot of guys I've only talked to once at some random party/bar and never wanted to pursue.

 

Do you think they wanted to pursue you though? Have you ever talked to a random guy that you thought didn't want to pursue you?

[Fudgie]

I have talked to random guys who I didn't want and they didn't want me. It's called making conversation.

 

Not everyone at a party/bar is looking to hook-up and it's naive to think that they are.

[Dougie_D]

How does a guy show that he's just there for the conversation and not trying to pursue her? I've had NUMEROUS conversations with girls and guys about sports/movies, etc... But it's so casual that it's obvious both parties are not remotely into getting to know each other. That shows NO INTEREST. I can talk to tons of girls where I have no interest in them. But if there is no showing that you might be interested in her, wouldn't that turn off the girl? or annoy the girl?

[Dougie_D]

I have talked to random guys who I didn't want and they didn't want me. It's called making conversation.

 

Not everyone at a party/bar is looking to hook-up and it's naive to think that they are.

 

I can weed out the girls that are indeed looking though. When 2 girls sit in a corner among themselves they are probably there for a good time. When 2 girls sit smack in the middle of the bar consistently getting hit on by guys, at least 1 of them probably doesn't mind it. Maybe I meant to say, instead of looking to hook up, they don't mind being approached and possibly meeting someone. If the 2 girls sitting at the bar didn't want to be approached, they would have moved after awhile.

[AE9876]

Dougie D you are really starting to scare me.! But I will give you the benefit of the doubt simply because you have made yourself vulnerable enough to post on here and take whatever comes your way.

 

Most (decent) girls are NOT on the make for free drinks. If you had offered to buy the girl in the bar and her friend ONE drink, her acceptance would have led you to join their company and show a GENUINE interest in the both of them (but everyone would know who you were really interested in). It would have been a cheap round and enough for you to get the measure of the situation (and possibly the girl's number) and probably a drink in return. In this instance, I strongly suspect your offer would have been politely declined in any case.

 

Some advice I heard for guys about dating from a reputable source, certainly not PUA ( and I can certainly see why posters are picking up THAT vibe around here). It was saying not to expect an outcome from a woman on a Saturday night, instead focus on getting phone numbers from a few women you like that you can then follow up on in the week.

 

It seems you are way too focussed on an outcome from your encounter with a woman instead of trying to get to know them and working out if there is a mutual attraction and something to pursue in a gallant and genuine way (ie. the beginnings of that old fashioned thing called "courtship"). I suspect that something instinctive kicked in for the girl at the bar and she felt something was off - like there was some kind of sense of entitlement emanating from you. Just from your posts I think it is fair to say that most females here are feeling a little bit uncomfortable in a similar way.

 

You could have said to her, 'I have really enjoyed talking to you but I can see you are enjoying time with your friend. Any chance I can get your number etc.... ' Then you would have learned what you needed to know in a matter of minutes. If she declined, so what, move on.

 

Never mind about your friends seemingly hooking up left right and centre. A lot of us women here can only imagine the types of conversation you guys are having about those exploits the next day. It is not for everyone. Think about what YOU ultimately want from;

 

these encounters at the bar,

from dating in general,

from a relationship

 

... and act accordingly.

 

If what you want, is what most of us women right now think you want - you know these days there are very direct routes to that - even websites you can go to for people looking for the same thing.

 

You know, some people at bars are just friendly. Most people are simply polite. Anyone can talk to anyone without any expectation. That is NORMAL. Leave it there, you might see her again, she might have a boyfriend, she might remember that really nice guy she chatted to, she might recommend you to a friend.

 

By focussing on gaining something from a woman in 2 x 15 minute chats and then getting miffed at the outcome is a very limited way of thinking. But hey you saved you $8 dollars in drinks. Wow imagine being open to just meeting new people and taking a genuine interest in those new people without a personal agenda just a genuine interest in people and life itself.

 

Wow imagine the journey that could take you on......

[Cognitive_Canine]

Do you think they wanted to pursue you though? Have you ever talked to a random guy that you thought didn't want to pursue you?

 

Yes. All the time. Do you honestly rule out having a possible friendship with half of the population of earth?

[AE9876]

Just seen that the door guy told you all the women were there to get laid. I don't know which is worse, him saying it or you embracing it.

 

Wow, California is really not the place I thought it was. If I heard a door guy saying that I would get litigious.

 

I am seriously shocked that these kind of attitudes still really exist. And in California. My illusions are shatters.

 

Dougie, the only place where all the women are there to get laid is a brothel. And that would require you handing over some readies. Go for it. Action guaranteed.