Conceive, Believe, Achieve- My Journal to a Healthy Relationship

[IAmFCA]

And, I talked to you tonight on the phone...at length. Substantive, as usual. You said you are now thinking of staying at your house. Hmm. No. Meanwhile, you also identified my secret housewife fantasy. Which you called "interesting".

 

And after all that, I felt closer still.

 

Dammit.

 

Wingman's friend is closing in, we are circling for a date. Unbelievable. I gotta know.

 

What if I am falling? But you are not available. You were building the idea of two houses the other day. It was subtle, country house, city house. We said no, beach house, city house. Ha, that takes your house out of the picture. Still, if you are thinking of keeping your house for a few years, then you area not thinking of marrying me.

 

And yet you are falling in love with me, I know.

 

I need to stay open.

[IAmFCA]

So here is the thing.

 

I thought the man at my meeting this morning was hot.

 

I did. And I would take a date with him, I would.

 

And with you, I am constantly testing myself, because I can't feel you, not enough. I fall, I love WHO you are. I am missing the joy of having you around. I just ... want more joy. I have said this to you. So, I think I have as much as I could expect. And then you step it up.

 

Still, what do I have? I have a man who is falling in love with me, who likes to see me every weekend - correction - every Saturday night and Sunday day.

 

Its just not enough, else I would not have wanted the man I met today.

[IAmFCA]

I hit bottom last night.

 

Tears, I can't do this, absolute mess. Plus migraine headache.

 

Surprise: the exH talked me through. And gave me good direction. I will try to recover.

 

Depression!

[IAmFCA]

YAY

 

Got store to accept responsibility for broken watch

Calling new account

Calling new crush

Doing deal call at 1

 

I have had obstacles in front of me, and goxdangit, I am angry. I am smart, I am talented, and I have a goal to meet. If its my own damm boss in my way, that is still an obstacle i intend to overcome.

 

I AM.

[IAmFCA]

Wingman says don't say anything to the main squeeze about anything. No relationship talk, no anything. Just gave a nice date tomorrow and keep going.

 

I don't know how I feel about that. The relationship progresses in such small increments that I sometimes feel as if it's stalling, and then it gathers life again. I need more.

 

But if I tell him I need more, it will be as if I need more with him, and that is why I have only mentioned it casually. He has enough information to make more dates/week happen, if he wants. He doesn't want that. He can feel the summer slipping away, he said. Yup.

 

What do I want? A life partner. Someone who is good enough to invite into my family, and ready to become part of my family, if we are ready to commit. I want some social time together. I want someone who can be available, in some way. The G just isn't. He will be, if given a chance. His pace is so slow its hard to know.

 

I will be the one who got away. Maybe this is just a drama night for me.

[IAmFCA]

OK I got this

 

I feel like we could keep dating forever; at the same time, I can't tell if we ever get beyond that. It has me in a confusing spot, where I enjoy how we make a team, and at the same time I am not fully committed. Its as if I could love you and not marry you; I don't know what to make of that.

 

I just felt like I should open up a conversation.

[IAmFCA]

This is good.

 

I am in control of my future and of my choices as to with whom I share that future.

 

I have a good man, I recognize that and I appreciate him.

 

I am not sure that he is my last man. I am not sure he isn't. I need to risk what I have to know the answer. I am compelled to explore this other introduction, and I will.

 

I will keep it respectful all the way around.

 

My existing man is beginning to relax into couple-dom, for the first time, which I expected from him some time ago. I, meanwhile, am stretching beyond it, having already lived through relationship #1 with main squeeze man. This may lead to a time where I recommit to existing man, but that time is not yet.

 

I am in charge.

[IAmFCA]

observation: the fact that i am evaluating him is evidence that I am watching for traits that might trip us up in a more bonded union. i am on guard for traits that i see in evidence, traits that he changes as we go and he learns. so now, i do not know how deeply rooted are those new habits, how quickly would he return to the old ways when under the duress of an intimate setting.

 

my expectation is, control and fear would return, and my life would be hemmed in by those things.

 

that is a FEAR i have of a future, and not a current reality.

 

My current reality is that because i am not confident of the future, i remain with options open in the present. and that is easily enough explainable. if executed well, no explanation will be needed. path is (1) dont like him, whatevs. (2) like him/dont like him, but experience points up that i can no longer explore current man, in which case its: "i really really wanted this to work, and as i explore it, i see glimmers of both success and failure, and i never really get off the fence. i feel like i should be off the fence by now."

[IAmFCA]

Our recent rape threads urge me to post this link: illuminating re (1) date rape - an awful name; (2) understanding why the person who was raped minimizes the event afterwards, (3) including gay men in the discussion.

 

Reality demands attention before it will step out of our way, allowing us to move forward.

 

link removed

[IAmFCA]

thank you for arranging the plumber

thank you for being someone to whom i tell about my adhd and trip to the psych doc

thank you for being safe

thank you for healing me, restoring my faith in society.

thank you for seeming as if you learn from me

 

if i leave you, it will not be because i am done with you. rather that with you my feelings are subdued, as you are so thoroughly a master of yours, and i am seeking a certain abandon, a certain infinity.

 

i suppose at some point, one simply makes a choice.

 

the trick is to handle my business privately, as with Mr C. you have withstood challenges before. i am not done yet.

[IAmFCA]

You absolutely must learn to sleep

[IAmFCA]

My dream

 

Exs Wife and I meet up and are convivial. She is prettier in my dream than in person . He arrives, we both acknowledge him but pay him no mind. He is blue white pale, overweight, like a beached whale truly. Why he was shirtless, no clue. So much blubber around his shoulders chest abdomen.

 

Much of dream is me hosting a party. Still processing in color. They arrive together, others slowly. I serve yogurt shakes, beers, iced tea. I put a leftover shake in the drawer and forget it. I break a plate, a small mirrored bowl. I find a dress, I don't know whose it is. I review it with my mom! Standing in the living room, near where ex and wife are talking with each other on the couch. I leave to Try it on. Earlier, I get locked out a few times and need help getting back in through the garage. Exs wife remains cheerful affable. He never speaks. They don't talk to others at party. I spend most of party hosting and not visiting.

 

Don't remember how it began or ended. Weird.

[IAmFCA]

And

 

He called me last night, and signed off saying, well, I guess I will talk to you tomorrow.

 

?

 

In 18 months, he has never endeavored to maintain a conversation in between our dates. I am not confused, I am surprised that he is putting forth that effort to build a connection with me.

 

So much with me that seems as if it never happened before.

 

Crush has not been on my mind; he buried his mother yesterday; I do not expect him to have the bandwidth to call me just yet. It occurred to me that if he did, I am not available. Two nights in a row, three hours a piece. Haven't been eating. Road show four of five days next week. Seven project reviews due Friday.

 

How would I even consider a date with him this week or next. I was terribly removed from my job, before I started this medication. Now, I am so in it, I love it. Have two months of work to do in five days. Yee ha.

[IAmFCA]

Fantastic date with bf. He is in a compelling phase of self discovery. Impressive. We discussed marriage in abstract terms. My subtext is he knows he loves me and can see that he is not interested in marriage atm, and he seems puzzled by that. He said he might marry someday but it still seems if he would have to be dragged by a truck to get down the aisle.

 

I feel love for him, we talked about many many topics. On point: he may need to unpack his childhood baggage if he is ever to unravel the mystery.

 

A perfect date. Not a perfect mate.

 

Friday is date with the compelling man. So much I don't know.

[IAmFCA]

Oh... also confirmed sexual fidelity its important to him. Never wondered, actually, still am interesting discussion. "If he has been inside her, then the intimacy is corroded. "She is more than a receptacle," I argued. "Her actions and my thinking made her that way,"

[IAmFCA]

Hate that I feel for one man and made a date with another.

 

Mr G, I've confirmed that I can't marry you. I owe you my respect and my fidelity. I do not owe you my future. As long as you are dating me, there is hope you will marry .... somehow, someday. We know that you prefer to live alone.

 

I want more, sooner, and you are offering any more, it's definitely later amd its not the slightest bit definite. Yet you have given me more than you have given anyone else. It's exiting to feel your gifts every time we are together.

 

I don't know how to give you up, knowing that I will miss you and that I could date you forever.

 

Difficult anticipating pain.

[IAmFCA]

As usual. Using my journal to talk to you.

 

Here is where I am coming out.

 

I don't even know if it is right to have this conversation with you, or if it is hurtful. I am losing my footing here.

 

I love you. I love being with you. The experience of knowing you has made me, and continues to make me better, stronger, more clear. I could date you forever.

 

With you in my life, I have no need for anyone else. We are growing in each other's company, we have a satisfying physical relationship, we play well together, we support each other's goals.

 

On the other hand, I really want more. I want to share my life with someone, on a daily basis. I want to bare my heart and soul to someone, every day. I want someone at home who is naked to me, all the time.

 

I believe you are the closest I have come to finding someone I would choose to live with. I know we could make it work; I also sense, based on who we are today, that we would each be feeling hemmed in - a feeling we would ignore and work around - if we were in each other's lives on a daily basis.

 

I treasure the gifts of yourself you have entrusted with me, and I want to hold you gently and keep your gifts safe. How do I do that, if our goals diverge? I get that I don't have to choose today. By loving you, though, am I not making a choice?

 

This is troubling me. The more I invest in you, let you invest in me, the more I am at risk of undermining my integrity.

 

You will remember that one of our first dates I was clear about my intentions in my dating life: and now I have you, and I have to confront the possibility that having you and having the home life I want - these may be mutually exclusive.

[IAmFCA]

Wrote an email to my friend, knowing she would expect me to deal straight.

 

Baby I see an unsustainable path. I could date you forever. As much as I love you, I am not 100% committed, because I am marriage-bound, and living together with you seems unlikely. How does one tarnish a perfect dating relationship? Yet, where am I going?

 

I deeply enjoy our relationship. I am better because of you. I learn from you. I want for nothing. Well - one thing -- I want to be working towards a live-in situation. While that might happen with us, we seem to be describing a future wherein it wouldn't happen. How can I say I am fully committed, knowing that our paths might diverge? I am running into this internal conflict such that as I become ever more involved with you, I am ever more afraid that I am taking myself further away from my goal.

 

I am getting stuck on this issue: maybe I should keep it to myself so we can enjoy each other without the burden of this conversation. There may be an integrity issue here, feels like I should say something.

 

Not sure how to manage this.

[IAmFCA]

This is how I said it shortest and best:

 

Our visions for the future are different.

 

"Now wait a minute" you will say.

 

I can easily say I want for nothing -- except the idea that I am building towards living with someone.

[IAmFCA]

Haven't been posting, been meeting with people from 8 am through 10pm everyday this week, more or less.

 

My feelings haven't changed. My time with Mr G no longer feels limitless, and my interest in new guy is muted by the fact that I don't know him.

 

I think this is what life is supposed to feel like, where my relationship goals are important, while being unable to make me unstable in other areas.

 

This feels like balance, which is wonderful. And it feels like nothing, the way temperate air meets up against one's skin in natural comfort.

[IAmFCA]

Last night's date was WOW. What a great date. Wowwowwow.

[IAmFCA]

Texts of enthusiasm and schedules reveal no chance for a 2nd date till August, and then, only on a weeknight - short of maybe breakfast or lunch....

 

With his last text I am crushing all over again, but need to let it pass!

 

I am away next two weekends, and glad for it. I need a moment.

[IAmFCA]

Mr. G doesn't get it.

 

I need to buy the two concert tickets from him and be done.

[IAmFCA]

Mantra

 

His journey is his journey.

 

My journey is my journey, and my responsibility.

[IAmFCA]

I just have to record here that I received a fb message from my love-addict bf yesterday. Dump one, crush on another, fb message from an ex. Was it a full moon???

 

Its all good, I took it easy, stayed in, ate popcorn, went to bed. Woke up SO done with my past and ready for a new next step.