Conceive, Believe, Achieve- My Journal to a Healthy Relationship

[IAmFCA]

Dear ITIC

 

What you are looking for is not here. When you come on line trying to find it, it is like looking for your shoes in the bathroom cabinet. It just doesn't make any sense.

 

What you are looking for is inside you. Make a vision of what that is. Make a vision of where you are going. You will find him, and get there. You need to make your vision. Your vision is inside you. Your man is in your vision. Make your vision.

 

Respectfully,

 

ITIC

[IAmFCA]

Your job, TOMORROW, no ifs ands or buts

 

(1) List your work schedule. Daily. Habits. Daily. Do it.

(2) Work out your calendar for next week and for January.

(3) Do your expenses!

(4) Work out your insurance!

(5) Scan letter and send to JF

(6) Send gifts to IVD and DDP

 

(7) Sunday: Who will you call on? What business will you get? Who will you hire? When?

 

This is no joke, woman. Get on it.

[IAmFCA]

Learned today: plan 2014 in 90 day increments with self assessments every 30.

[IAmFCA]

Morning meditation:

 

I will have faith that God will restore order, where needed. I will have wisdom that order already is present, even if I have not yet the understanding to see it. I will stop researching my past; there is nothing more I need to know. I will believe that what is in my mind will be manifest in my life. I will put the transgressions of others out of my mind. I will put insecurities out of my mind. I will put success in my mind. Then, I will live up to my vision.

[IAmFCA]

Dear untested enigmatic friend. Can we just pick? I want your candor.

[IAmFCA]

Its nice to be back. I haven't been stalked, it was just one weird email back then that spooked me, and nothing since. I think the stalking is over for good. I am chastened, I can not blog on here like I would like to sometimes, but I can take walk abouts without too much worry. I am glad for that.

 

And it has been an interesting break, and to come back, and see what my concerns were two months ago versus now.

 

I have dispensed with much but not all that was and sometimes still is a drag on my forward movement. The beautiful one was my last mistake. I think about him sometimes, I wonder if he will pop up on my radar ever again. I don't know how I will handle it if/when. I think non-response might be the right answer, but I won't know until it happens.

 

Mr. C? Offers me the world. Money, travel, move to be near me. I am the one. But how could he know that, now? How could he expect me to yield like that? It smells like disrespect when it is meant to be the opposite. Like so many others, its all a sales tool. If he locks me up, then he doesn't have to be insecure about my affection. I had to let that fun smart ambitious man go.

 

Mr. Gentleman? Well hot dang, who knew. Slow and steady wins the race. So generous. Will I get hurt? Maybe. But I will have learned about values, I will have spent my time with someone who respects himself and me, and I will have actually been in a mature relationship. I am impressed at his humility and the way he lives his values, its quite independent of him actually. I am - after more than a year of knowing him - getting comfortable with seeing only him. He has never asked me to limit it, and I have never asked him, and I don't intend to. Its a choice, not an obligation. Every time I ask for his time, he gives it. When he asks, I do the same.

 

I am a little bit afraid. My track record is not so good. He meets some of my friends in a bar soon. I asked him quite naturally, without a twinge of fear. Everything still unfolds, experience by experience. A fascinating process.

 

And he doesn't try to own me. Before we go to the bar, I have a dinner engagement. He said, well, is it something you can bring a date to? And I said, well, yes, it probably is, but I don't really want to. He said, okay, don't bring a date then, let's meet after. Nothing insecure in his response, no twinge of rejection or entitlement or wonder. Wonderful.

 

So this month begins with me appreciating Mr. G for his slow methodical way of unfolding, and for his way of letting me unfold on my pace, rather than pushing me for faster. For his values, and for the way he gives to me without expecting affection (emotional) and attachment in return. Last year, I would have moved faster physically, though emotionally I wasn't there - which he knew more than I. So he waited.

 

Still, I will fight impulses of wanting his attention daily. This will be the next piece of my journey: do I need it daily? why? Are we incompatible as we get more intimately involved? 2014 will tell.

[IAmFCA]

I have got to take charge of my health! I am running, my emotional health seems strong. Yet, my work product is below my own standard, I am getting headaches, I am not going to bed.

 

I think this is all about getting to bed on time.

 

Am I avoiding something? I think I am.

 

Flow! I need to use the concept of flow for bedtime! I am pushing all day. Push to start the day, push to start myself, push to get through work, push to have dinner. Its like a constant push.

 

Make a way that going to bed is a PULL. Make a vision. Pull.

 

Start thinking of PULL as a theme, to replace PUSH.

[IAmFCA]

Dear me,

 

I love you. I am proud of you. Please do everything you need to do to blossom, to bloom, to shine. Please.

 

I am counting on you.

 

Love,

Me

[IAmFCA]

YAY you did it. You didn't believe in yourself the whole time, but you did it! Longest run ever!

 

You didn't believe in your ability to have a good night out either, and you did that too. You went to dinner on your own, even though he asked whether you could bring someone. Just right. Later, you invited him out with your friends. Your friends where you knew you would be carrying on, and you did that too. And you partied, you danced, you were silly and unpredictable and you two had to get asked to leave because the place had closed down. And he was happy. And you were happy. And you never felt constrained at all. And he was comfortable. Even when you fbd the stranger (oops!), which was funny if reckless. We pulled it up the next day and laughed together. He did great with the people who were strangers to him. And you did great! You were you!

 

And when you asked him, were you comfortable? He said, had you been chained to my side, THATs when I would have felt uncomfortable. OMGosh yes. And when you asked for more frequent visits, he was way ahead of you, ready to be available if you could make yourself available. It seems he has been there the whole time, just waiting for you to see the nose on your face. And church was crazy normal and he wants to do that again.

 

Honestly, your insecurities are your own. His behavior has been as steady as anyone could wish for.

 

My advice to you: Live in the moment. "Let it blossom let it grow." Live in the moment. Your questions and your answers will come in due time.

[IAmFCA]

Fun to go back and read. I am so glad I started writing. Helpful to see my past, my patterns, my ability to let go, my goals as yet unmet.

 

Thank you for posting.

 

This particular thing feels like that time in the car, driving east past the new brick wall, and knowing. That was.... 8 years ago. Wow.

[IAmFCA]

(To me)

 

Way to go darlin, you are doing a great job, building foundations, not wrecking any, while achieving new goals. Some of those goals are lifelong goals that eluded you all this time. And now, you have been changing your image of yourself to make sure you BELIEVE you ARE who you ARE. Good for you, I am proud of you.

 

Things that will change:

It still helps to read of your last mistake, and work that mistake out of your system. That whiny child wants to believe the toy was the real thing, but it wasn't. It was a facsimile of the real thing. It was shiny and it walked and talked just like you imagine. On the other hand, no it didn't. Be glad to be rid of it. The rejection is about friendship, not romance. And the friendship rejection is because a con artist doesn't want friends who are insightful, who have seen how the magic gets made. Your smarts protected you from this non-friend, be thankful for it.

 

It still helps, and I wish it didn't, to read of my last addiction. There is no other explanation. Knowing it is an addiction explains the desire to see evidence of the drug's continued existence. I admit: I want to replicate this feeling. I don't want to admit that truth, but it IS true: the feeling of anything, anywhere, the dizziness, the hours of abandon. I will find a way to speak this.

 

This will go away, one day, one day far away maybe. With every peeling of a layer or two, I am challenged to remember it was a drug, not a person. The humanity it was wrapped in was a delivery mechanism, the way toast exists so that we might taste the butter. And the related issues: if I post a pic, will I bring harm? Will I invite oversight? So I don't post a pic. Its a shadow, and it will be years, I think, before it lifts entirely.

 

What I learned:

He too is not sleeping. He too has general anxiety with no known cause. He too is wary, and closed off, and like me, he doesn't talk about it. We say bits, and the clues tell us novels.

 

What I wish I ignored:

Sunday I saw him through the harsh light of aging: I can see the old man, slender, jawline softening, skin sun damaged, with that gentle disposition and nervous habit of chewing gum even when there is no gum to chew. It backed me up: am I ready for this? Do I have a choice? Could I care properly? And this is --- my imagination. This is not today.

 

What I decided:

Live in this moment. Imagine myself dating someone else: do I want to spend my time that way? Do I want someone else? Do I even think anyone else will offer the gentle manners, the warm family? I am not interested in looking. I am not interested, and I appreciate what I have.

 

Yet I know that every choice I make today leads to an outcome tomorrow. I know that my choosing what I have, I am choosing - wow, that is not what I expected to want to write next.

 

Still, my instincts tell me to venture out a bit, to see what is out there, to remind myself what I have or see if now I have changed again, choosing again something new and different. This is my entp on steroids, and I want to manage it in a way that honors it.

 

What I will learn:

That if I value it, then I will speak my wants. I will practice speaking my wants constructively.

 

This is my next journey.

[IAmFCA]

What I want: passion.

Do I censor my own? Or does it dissipate before out takes hold? Do I adjust when I should lead?

Should I be looking? Ugh. Don't want to look, and I like what I've got.

Okay, well then: can you teach passion? Actually, it seems like it's in there, just muted by layers of self control and stoicism. Maybe the approach is to see if he had what he needs... hmm...

 

This is clearly on my mind. Ok. I'll fix it.

[IAmFCA]

Trouble.

 

Gotta fix this.

[IAmFCA]

Restless. Went on line. Found someone I find VERY interesting.

Maybe he asks me out. Maybe he doesn't. If he does, I am absolutely going out with him.

 

I like the man I have now. It is also true, I have little voices wondering. I am listening to the voices. Meanwhile, we have met friends, family. I feel.... bad that I am even thinking about something that would make him unhappy / disappointed / heartbroken.

 

I am afraid of choosing the wrong guy, and I need to look that fear in the face and let it go. I will not choose the wrong man, and every man I date seriously, now, is a man worth marrying. So, this is going to difficult. I must want what I want enough to address the relationship dynamics that frighten me.

 

I am afraid to invite the G to June event. I can't tell you about June yet. Scary to be feeling the pull towards a stranger. Means I need to back off the G for a bit, regardless of stranger's value or interest.

[IAmFCA]

Oh boy. He asked me out. He is not perfect, he just sent me his big confessional. I get it.

[IAmFCA]

OK, I am better now.

 

(1) Date is on Friday. I became me again, not so silly about it. I do need an outfit for it. All this working out has caused me to trash my closet. Must fix.

 

(2) That man with the dog was in the park again. I want him to ask me out. I don't know if he is interested. Maybe he will continue to show up. I know I will continue to show up...

 

(3) I changed my pics to include at least one that is less attractive and more sporty. Tah dah no more messages. Men, you are SO predictable. Blech. Leaving it that way for now.

 

(4) I am okay that I am having these distracting thoughts while dating my guy. Either I am not ready, he's is not it, or we just don't know yet. Folks on ENA pointed out that the level of interest I had in he particular suitor of last winter - "C" I think I called him - was an indication that I am missing something. And I am, at least based on what I know to date. I am not sure how much I value what I am missing, and I was pushing the G a little too often to work outside his comfort zone. Hello, that was co-D, time to stop. So I stopped. I am much happier. Meanwhile, he stepped out of his comfort zone every time. Respect him quite a bit -- that is more valuable than anything else I can think of.

 

(5) The G is on his own journey, as he is entering a year of blossoming and change. Where we are a year form now will be more telling than anything that occurs between us today. With his constancy, I am learning (this is amazing) that I might want a relationship that is both LTR and for now. I have a lot going on. What I have fits well enough, and exceptionally better than most.

 

Carry on, you. Good seeds have been sown here.

[IAmFCA]

OK, reporting in.

 

Had my date. It was good. As in all things, affection grows in time. Values seem good, spirit seems good, honesty and transparency seem good. Actually, he said a few rather impressive things.

 

Still like my Mr G. Still respect him, still have affection for him, still look forward to seeing him. Still wonder if he isn't just too tentative or too remote for the long term. Dunno.

 

In other, more difficult news. ... A few weeks ago, I was overwhelmed. I needed to be alone, and my phone rang 7 times in a day, all from one person. I tried to call back. The number he gave me was the wrong number. When I found him, I was not permitted to ring through. At this time, I also stopped receiving messages from his counsel. And so I wrote him that it seemed I had been asked to be out of communication, and that I would respect that. This morning, the hospital called me to inform me of his passing and inquire as to his affairs. So I sent the message to his counsel.

 

The rest that I would write about this passing I can't write here, I now realize, but the occasion must be marked, and so it is. What a deeply tragic and sad story it is. In this time of Lent, a good time to reflect, to pray, to give thanks, and to ask God's mercy.

[IAmFCA]

Nobody in his world will talk to me now. I don't know what is going on, but its hurtful. Is there no generosity at such a time? It comes when my own family is non-responsive as well, unless they are being manipulative or accusatory.

 

I feel ... hurt.

 

I am shoving it all down, I see that. I don't see anything constructive to do. Obviously, for whatever reason, I am being isolated completely.

 

I don't know why.

[IAmFCA]

Feeling cranky, sad, harassed, and knowing that I contribute to this outcome.

 

Feeling unloved by my own family.

 

Am close to tears, am alone, am wondering if I am just having some weird moody spell, have never been treated like this before by family and dead friend at the same time.

 

Maybe I should just go to bed. Didnt accomplish jack. Ridiculous.

 

I guess at the end of the day, when I need to check out, it just means everyone gets pissed. My problems are my own. No wonder I learned to be so freaking self-sufficient. I want as little to do with these people as I have had in the past. Why I entered into this plan to offer a party room I have no idea.

[IAmFCA]

I feel stuck at a certain closeness. He seems happy. He assumes future events will be ours to share. I am less clear, been wanting him to stretch my horizons as I stretch his. I've been cranky in other areas. Keeping my mouth shut.

[IAmFCA]

There is a theme in personal life stress points: keeping my mouth shut. I am retreating, rather than engaging.

 

Maybe there is reward in being more engaged?

 

With my sister, no, leave it alone. That is a danger zone for everyone, me included, and I am just not interested in going there any more than is required.

 

With The G, there absolutely is reward. I need to speak up. What is it I would say?

 

Ahh, there is the rub. I am not sure I want it to work. I feel like I should want it, but I am not sure I actually do.

 

Well then, back out there, my sweet friend. Do you.

[IAmFCA]

And so I go back out into the woods, and I find the same animals as always.

 

Flipping the coin, if I want more out of what I have, then perhaps I need to invest more by speaking up.

[IAmFCA]

I liked him. Everyone else likes him. I'm fading. I threw up a flair but he missed it, or didn't understand it, or is mulling it over. I think I need to back off. If he figures it out, okay. If not, well then there it is. Its not passive, I sent a text. It's there. But he is planning double dates, doing his thing while I am fading. It is quite possible that I have gotten what I seem to want, and now i am left wanting.

[IAmFCA]

link removed

 

This is instructive. This has been me, all of my life. I am stopping this pattern. Now.

 

Now: Consider this. Because of this pattern, I choose to be in remote relationships? And maybe also, because of this pattern, when I am not being manipulated, I don't feel the intense connection and think it isn't working.

 

So instead: Appreciate what my responsibilities are. Stand up for what I want. Think of battles as investments. Engage.

 

This will be your next growth area. Now.

[IAmFCA]

So, duh, I asked for what I want with the G and I got it. Just asking does NOT equal manipulation. And family does NOT equal freedom from manipulation, because they have limited skills too. So if I am going to love all of them, then I need to bring my skills to the table, and draw some boundaries. This last one is the hardest, because she was my inner circle. But that hasn't felt safe in nearly 10 years. So, bring your skills and engage when necessary. Draw your boundaries otherwise.

 

link removed

 

This is instructive. This has been me, all of my life. I am stopping this pattern. Now.

 

Now: Consider this. Because of this pattern, I choose to be in remote relationships? And maybe also, because of this pattern, when I am not being manipulated, I don't feel the intense connection and think it isn't working.

 

So instead: Appreciate what my responsibilities are. Stand up for what I want. Think of battles as investments. Engage.

 

This will be your next growth area. Now.