Conceive, Believe, Achieve- My Journal to a Healthy Relationship

[IAmFCA]

Recording observation from wingman: The G has a lifelong habit of not showing his hand. So he may have intentions in his head and in his heart, but his poker style is a decades-long learned behavior. It may be entrenched.

 

On a separate note: today is the day I emailed a thank you to the crush. I hate calling him that nickname, as I do not have the slightest bit of a crush on him now and my respect for him has diminished. But as I expect never to speak to him again, I wanted to say that one nice thing, in my tradition of writing people off with a compliment.

[IAmFCA]

Emailed a note to the wingnut too. Am doing a little spring cleaning, apparently.

 

Date tonight was interesting. He was affectionate, talkative, sharing concerns, planning dates... once he figured out that I wasn't dumping him, or that he wasn't dumping me, which I think he expected. OKC is some dangerous stuff.

 

"How did you like it" I asked of the music show. " He is a very talented man." etc. So up in his head, almost no ability to describe emotion. Warning: other aspects of dad. Think!

 

Must share my fear re When Mom was dying, and Dad was uncomfortable rubbing her legs. He needs to see how limiting this stance could be, or how limiting my fear could be.

[IAmFCA]

In contrast to a year ago, I was able to send out those emails without obsessing over whether I get an email back. I don't know if I hope I do or hope I don't; there really is no point in further correspondence with either one.

 

Meanwhile, I also am learning to leave OKC profile up without obsessing over that either.

 

Date with Mr G on Saturday. He wants to drive an hour to go to a restaurant and see a movie, both at chains that are within two blocks from where I live. He is having some old-home moment, I think, maybe because I exist? Last night he said, like it was a new discovery: "It is good having a woman in your life. It makes you get out and do new things." It isn't that I doubt him. It is that I am wondreing: can I give up the indulgence of passionate expression? I just don't know.

 

Appointment with Psych first week of June.

 

Progress is being made.

[IAmFCA]

WOWOWOWOW

 

Ok, its not that Wow, but it is , sort of. I emailed the note to the man who treated me ill, who I fell for despite myself and who led me to the edge.... and he wrote me back. He wrote me an apology, he wrote me an email fully free of any agenda, and full of kindness. Like, maybe he is human, and his kind self is returning. I am so very glad.

 

Yay.

 

Of course, Mr beautiful hasn't sid a word, because, you know, he is totally self absorbed and avoidant, as best i can tell. Or he doesn't give a daamm, or he is thinks I am psycho. I couldn't care less. I am glad to wrapped up my loose ends in a bow.

 

I am feeling The Gentleman may be next, except he is seems to step up whenever I think I am going to put him down. So, we will see.

[IAmFCA]

Feeling melancholy. Been living all this time doing what I want to do. Said goodbye to two men yesterday. Of course they have been long gone, but I had leftover thanks and regrets to share and I did that. Received back from the one that matters exactly what I needed, his affirmation of my awesomeness. I wasn't crazy, he was, and I let myself become crazy. We never gave ourselves a chance and we never got over one another, in a way, even if we have both moved past it. Am I melancholy because I am living the reality that most people in my life will be people I let go? Will I ever keep one?

 

Or am I melancholy because I cant reach my daughter this morning, and I suspect her father blew off taking her to soccer? It is just so sad that that can happen, it breaks my heart each time.

 

Or am I melancholy because I think maybe the switch has been thrown with the G. Dammit I was hoping to hang on. I feel sad, and like my wingman is right, and that i need to just let him go. But he is sincere and well grounded and maybe he is a good balance and I just wish I could satisfy that part of me that wants to live.

 

B would never tolerate my choice, and for good reason. He knows what I am. The G says he knows. But can he feel it though? He has no idea.

[IAmFCA]

Tonight I will tell my fear, express my uncertainties, ask for ideas.

I can't feel you... kind of a scary sentence. Still, tonight you are happy because tonight you will use your voice.

 

The intimacy block is a good one. .. not sure what our goals are. Do we share the same ones?

 

Why am I so fig sad atm?

 

Is this hormones impinging back the other way? Am I bat s crazy now?? Lol.

 

Go eat.

[IAmFCA]

Wow. He was more available to me then he has ever been. I didn't have to be direct, I was able to put my concerns out there as part of a rambling conversation about, in large part, his fear of marrying the woman he didn't marry.

 

And physically? Kapow, so much better. I don't know what the deal is/was, but I actually could feel him emotionally. He was present.

 

I said Sometimes I don't know if you feel passionate about me and he said why is that and I said something about when he greets me at the door. "I control my emotions at all times." and later, "A man has to control his desires, right?" No! I said, not when he has a woman who signed up for that etc...

 

He shared about childhood. I talked about stoic parents from whom we learned avoidance/drama, resulting in us each learning to be self-sufficient as a better alternative. He got that. We shared our mothers' death stories.

 

So.... the learning journey continues. As before, I get ready to flee but he offers up a little more. And he is clearly here for me, taking direct responsibility for fixing the door, leaving his phone number for resources we may need. So much he wants to do with me. And so readily taking objections from me about his gifts to others, his ideas on gender, sexuality. Big ideas that are my strong suits.

 

I am still in the game with this one.

[IAmFCA]

Reminder: Because I want to be able to find this affirmation here.

 

"But more than that, I have always been amazed by who you are as a woman, a mother, a lover, and simply wonderful person.

 

I will always have alot of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" thoughts about you. And I will forever be somewhat jealous of whoever will, can, and does.

 

Be well."

[IAmFCA]

OK, where do I stand, with myself.

 

(1) I like him, we had a nice time, it is easy to hang out, I was completely comfortable.

(2) He has views that I can't brook, simply because he has never challenged them, and he accepts my challenges graciously and sincerely.

(3) He is developing awareness about this woman. "Once I got the pot of gold, why was I so afraid of it?" Picking things out for a wedding became an utter "turn off" for him. Somehow this is related to his early interest in looking at Playboy, he thinks. That he has the idea he will always find a better one, or, another one. We talked about objectification of women, of women being substitutes one for another. He rejects objectification and is offended by examples of it, but can't see it in his own perspectives. Understandable, many of us can't.

(4) Respectful. In the box as my bf. More open this visit than any time previously.

(5) Lifting weights, staying lean... in a physical sense, attractive.

(6) Risk averse. Money is in savings. Planning to buy something somewhere else in a couple of years. We are opposite in this way. My taste is often more costly then his; if together often, this could cause conflict.

 

So:

 

(1) Do I trust him to actually get married? I mean, really? I don't. He could ask me, and then change his mind. This is creating some noise for me. I don't want to get involved with someone else yet I remain open to meeting The One. An impractical stance that is likely to lead to chaos. Dating while in a committed relationship is something he also understands but would not approve of, exactly. I am not sure what to do with this other than bear it.

 

(2) His values are fabulous.

 

(3) Control may be an issue. There are many themes never challenged, around masculinity, head of household, self-governance vs compromise. He has lived alone forever. I mean, truly by himself, since 1983 at least if not longer.

 

(4) The question remains: Why did he do an about face?

 

(5) If I went on a date with someone, and I liked him, what would I do then? I would pursue it until I had to make a choice. Subterfuge would be difficult once new guy earned Saturday status. I have a responsibility to KNOW, not just accept. And, I don't know, and can't know, until he knows himself.

 

So, that is it. He needs to learn more about his own triggers.

[IAmFCA]

Reminder of another snippet, it was about masculinity: that he likes helping in the kitchen, doing things around the home, I can't remember his whole list... he is bucking the stereotype he learned of manhood, and coming to terms with it?

 

and he observed that i am "primordial" .... which is true

 

need more time.

[IAmFCA]

And maybe this is my conclusive post on this topic:

 

- I can't know until he knows himself

- I will let him determine if he knows himself and demonstrate that knowledge to me

 

Until then, I need to keep some emotional independence.

 

Do I tell him anything? No, I don't. I just need to practice it by communicating less. When we again have freewheeling conversation, I can just pose the question - Until you know why you reacted as you did, can you trust yourself to enter into something deeply meaningful with someone else?

 

Different topic:

 

Date #1 prospect with ENFP sounds fun but ENTP / ENFP research sounds like disaster.

Date #2 prospect's recent message is promising. His son said Death Valley? So they went. With one week's notice. Love it.

 

Both, sailors, good spellers, fun correspondents so far. My best chances are with Date #2 prospect, because of his I M-B, his fix-it handyman ways and his military background. So he gets priority.

[IAmFCA]

from wingman about life management skills:

 

Believe in the process.

 

Don't think about how few resources, how big my burden. It isn't "This is it, there is no future."

 

It is "Work hard at my career, build my future. It will come."

[IAmFCA]

OK got some more info

 

(1) Me: Lost my governor. My ADHD is off the chain and I have nobody around to manage me. Big issue.

(2) You: Your mom died, you fell in love, you got engaged, you didn't marry her. Unresolved issue re Mom? You said planning the wedding made you lose interest. Well, sweetheart, if that was enough to cause you to back out how intent were you in the first place? I wonder if your mom' s passing made it difficult to feel.

 

I am off the rails. I get it. I am fixing it. You also are lost. This is how we mesh together: two people who are processing something, who give each room to be alone without taking it personally.

 

We may, or may not be, intended for one another. My suspicion is that we are intended to help each other through. My email to you today was intended to help you see. And now my job is to back off. I am not sure if develop more intimately because we share this background or if we become less compelling once the job is done.

 

I do have an interest in exploring the new candidate, I feel I am moving forward in some way. I just don't know if you will be where I am going.

[IAmFCA]

He called tonight, and was insightful and remarkably balanced in our discussion of transgendered people. I did not expect this level of humanism from him, since I have rebuked him for calling women girls and for wondering if proctologists are gay. The latter is so ignorant and offensive and incongruent with the rest of him, I found it shocking. And then tonight the very human response was extra nice to hear.

 

He was prepared with a list: I write 5 places, you write 5 places, and then we will see where we overlap. That was terribly sweet of him as a way to approach planning time away.

 

Then we identified two dates nights with nearly two weeks in between, and he made a point of saying let's find time in between as well, and making plans for the nights we already have earmarked.

 

I mean, this sort of behavior keeps me around; still, why did he turncoat on his fiancee?

 

-----

 

I wrote too long of a message to my new OKC crush and lost him. Haven't heard a peep.

 

I am pinging all over the place.

[IAmFCA]

Got a nice long message from my okc crush.

 

Failed at putting subtle distance between me and The G because he called to chat - unusual- and he impressed me with his humanist perspective.

 

Trouble brewing.

[IAmFCA]

Mr G is stepping up. Opening up, improving his skills, and attentive and supportive as always. He's a great guy, set in his idiosyncratic ways, yes, but he mostly keeps that under wraps.

 

He likes my neighborhood, likes the idea of providing for me if it came to that, and requests responsibility for handyman work at my home.

 

New guy needs a name... he had moved from email to text, still hasn't asked me out.

 

I just cant say I want my next two decades with mr g.

 

Scary.

[IAmFCA]

I asked my exH to help out with calendar planning.

 

He will decline.

 

The courts don't force him to do it.

 

What an XXXxxxx.

 

Please God help me through this trough of life where all my resources are stretched to the brim of my sustainability and sanity.

[IAmFCA]

Fab

 

No response from ex. Shocker. But he did lean on our children about not passing messages tot me as he had requested. they said: just talk to her yourself. Dang I love them like the sun.

 

To the point of this thread:

 

My man has been telling me how he is not sure he can actually marry, ever. But he is making plans for us, several months out.

 

I couldn't reach him yesterday.

 

It makes me want to dump him, which would be a shame. So I am resisting that instinct because it really is too dramatic. I do want to ask him "So, are you trying to signal me that I should be pulling back from you?" Maybe, as weird as it is, I will send him an email.

[IAmFCA]

Wingman is telling me right now what I need to hear re The G:

 

- he's too old to change

- he isn't going to marry me

- i need to have my cake and eat it too -- though I have only one sort of suitor and only by email or text thus far, and I don't know if I think it will work anyway.

 

The G just left my house with a plumbing part to fix, just sent me confirmation of tickets for a show on my bday, and remains intent on playing with me over the summer. I think he really likes having me as a gf. And I am being anxious and overthinking.

 

I guess it is just weird to feel like there is a ceiling, a cap, on how far this could go. I don't even know that I want marriage! The big fat scary M word! At the same time, what does it mean, to never want that? Does it mean, I have 20 years of dates on Saturday? I want more of a partner than that. I wonder. And for my daughters' sakes, they haven't met him. I don't think they will, because I have a feeling it will have to end at some point. They will like him.

 

And the wingman says:

- if you had another guy you wanted to go out with, you would go out with him. you should be going on a lot of first dates. expand your horizons.

 

(WHEN?!)

 

That isn't what I want. I want to relax, get off the gerbil wheel of first dates.

 

Do I invest in Mr Control of his own destiny? I just don't know that it is right, but I know I will.

[IAmFCA]

I know: ask him:

 

Maybe you can help me with something: What does a long term relationship look like, if you know you want to remain unmarried?

[IAmFCA]

TBH this is just really bugging me. We talked last night on the phone, for an hour+. We talked about intimate issues like our widowed parents dating and what it means to us, meaningful topics. I learned that one weekend when he was with me but I ran off to help a male friend with a broken down car, he thought I had gotten all dolled up for the friend, and he had just shrugged it off. (DA, I was dressed for you, then I got the emergency call. Whatevs!) Of course, I am with him every weekend, so I can see how he shrugged it off, but it made me think: what other assumptions have you made? We had that weird overlap on OKC: so does he assume I am on OKC actively? I have purposely stayed off of it, and by the way it isn't as if anyone is sending me messages, so .... whatever.... no loss there.

 

At the end of the day, I have come away from our conversations with the impression that he will not marry anyone, ever. Of course I am hearing that as he will not marry ME ever, and I feel undervalued. I know intellectually that he has been a confirmed bachelor for all of his mature life.

 

I come back to his actions: time away is planned, date is planned for as far away as September. Yet I won't bring him to a family event, because I think at any given moment he is going to cut and run. If he is just not that serious about me, then why is he on my calendar?

 

My kids won't meet him yet. I think they are right; I think he and I need to get through the summer when we can focus more on what we want to do with less interference. Maybe from his perspective, it is keeping him aloof. Frankly though, if he isn't expecting to marry anyone, ever, then I am not sure I would introduce him to them, ever.

 

We need to talk about this.

[IAmFCA]

We talked on Saturday in the bar, agreed that we both became avoidant in response to siblings' conflicts with parents. Neither of us had a good model for conflict resolution in the home. He said Yes but to be avoidant also means there is less pain and I said yes but it is less effective and there is less reward.

 

I was less hopeful after that conversation that this can develop too much further and I was further resolved to keep my profile up even if I am not active.

 

Later he said I like having you in my life and I said, I know you do, yet I do not feel secure in it. I try to ignore that feeling. He said, I have learned to control my emotions.

 

How does one ever get intimate? But I am learning to see affection in the way he treats me, and be secure in that.

[IAmFCA]

Admission.

 

I am happy with what I have.

 

Admission.

 

I miss that all encompassing passion of my PTSD ex.

 

Admission.

 

I am not so effective at dating other men now. Even if I think I am.

 

Admission.

 

I have not put space between us.

 

Admission.

 

I am denying the importance of emotional intimacy, or maybe, I am discovering a new way to have it. I do not know which.

 

Admission.

 

When the man's affection for me burns hot like the sun, it is easy to see. When it is buried deep like a root, it grows unseen like grass, or wildflowers, making my landing soft and my horizon dotted with occasional beauty.

[IAmFCA]

Nutshell:

(1) I am dating a man who thinks he wants to marry someone, but is beginning to recognize that maybe, he isn't prepared to do it. That wanting it and doing it are different things.

 

Otherwise, I'd like to keep seeing him as long as I am enjoying him.

 

I expect I will know by summer's end.

 

(2) WORK. Needs fixing.

 

(3) KIDS: Perfect.

[IAmFCA]

Drs orders: go back on the meds. Track my moods and acuity. Keep exercising. Work 9-12. Consider dumping bf. Give up the Splenda bf to find the real sugar. Come back in three weeks.