Conceive, Believe, Achieve- My Journal to a Healthy Relationship

[IAmFCA]

Oh flip

 

The G just sent me an email about how he was learning from me about setting positive expectations and understands we need to do more runs together etc.

 

Dude, what part of interested in seeing someone else did not calculate for you?

 

What part of: I am driven towards marriage, you aren't, and our mutual acknowledgement that neither one feels that missing piece?

 

Frustrating. Will let this energy play itself out for awhile, as I am away for the next couple of weeks anyway.

[IAmFCA]

OK he gets it.

 

Now I need some space.

[IAmFCA]

Wow.

 

Time to stop marveling at my progress, and start focusing on my future.

 

Wowowow. Its like being born anew every day.

[IAmFCA]

That feeling when I am different, therefore the world should take notice? Ya.

 

Things that were muddy are so clear. And to think people have been like this every day of their lives. I am ever so grateful.

[IAmFCA]

Using ENA to avoid?

 

Get cracking sweetheart!

[IAmFCA]

Miss him

Glad for it

Been distracted by the disorganization of cutting him out

 

Glad I did right for me.

[IAmFCA]

Miss still

 

Still know I did the right thing.

 

He knows he backpedaled and it wasn't because of our relationship, but because of his own lack of faith in the institution of marriage. He said, I know where this leads, so I held back... Yet I want to be married, he said. Crushing, for him, because it reaches beyond me and into an issue he won't talk about, that traces back to his childhood.

 

He needs therapy, he thinks so himself.

 

I feel the wind out of my sails, still better than had I said nothing.

[IAmFCA]

Yes I can yes I can yes I can....

[IAmFCA]

He is going to want to see me when I get back from travel.

 

I am going to be open to it. Dumb idea, I know already, and I also know I am going to do it anyway.

 

Therefore, let me at least prepare:

 

(1) I wanted to know more about E; you kept it to yourself. After 10 years of knowing, you succumbed to pressure, and then smartly made an about face. She may be the right one? How would you know? You ended it because you wouldn't take that step. Once you work that out, the fundamentals seem to have been there.

 

(2) You need therapy. Something hurt you 45+ years ago, and you have been keeping it quiet ever since, letting it hold power over who you are, what you think, and how you live your life.

 

(3) You would make a good husband? Yes, in many ways. Except, what about in the way of being fully visible to the other? With a lifetime of sidestepping the issue - age, readiness for commitment, judgment of casual - how could you possible feel comfortable with someone else seeing right through you?

 

(4) A lifetime of holding information within: what is within your capacity to withhold?

 

(5) When you begin to let the inside out, and learn to accept the ones you love, and yourself, your whole world view may shift. No choices until then.

 

(6) It strikes me that the feeling of home that you like, that you know we would make, that is your comfort place, in your imagination. It allows you to live in peace, and maybe also in hiding. Kiss your wife on the neck, help with the dishes, check that math homework. It is perfect. I would be lonely as heck.

 

(7) Me: What I want: A fun, ambitious, no limits life. I can't have that with someone who is afraid to examine the thing that is within himself. Life is too short.

[IAmFCA]

One 4 hour phone call later, and I believe I have successfully ended this relationship, gotten out of going to the two concerts - which stinks, I did not succeed in getting the tickets - and been respectful to each of us.

 

Now, I am two hours behind schedule, at least.

 

This was the right move. Better to have no guy than not right guy, at least not right now.

[IAmFCA]

So, I wonder who was my moving my cursor a bit ago.

 

Scanner said no virus.

 

Hmm.

 

Hi?

[IAmFCA]

Loving the adderall

 

And have hope and sense of control over my life, again/anew.

 

Satisfied with end of Mr G relationship. Broke his heart, I know. Well, he put himself in a position to have it either broken or attacked.He has done the last time neither.

[IAmFCA]

1. The G wrote that he is running fast and pursuing help with intimacy avoidance and adhd. It was a healthy and energetic email. I am impressed.

 

2. Receive texts from Ginger. He is still digging me. I told my friend, my friend of almost 30 years. She said Invite me to your wedding. She foamy know anything, was just her gut response.

 

I am feeling hopeful about my own ability to grow and live on a positive trend...

[IAmFCA]

All I can think of is wanting to kiss him. Crazy.

 

Get out, go to store, make smoothie, run. This is craziness.

[IAmFCA]

13 miles and 6 hours of activity.

 

Right back to wanting a kiss

[IAmFCA]

I told him. He said That makes me very happy.

 

 

[IAmFCA]

The G wrote me about getting psych appointments, about building a foundation and designing a house as a metaphor for us, about running. He attached a selfie, you can see his pecs at the bottom, just barely, giving shape to baggy shirt. Nobody thinks 60 looks like this! Well, okay, 58 soon.

 

The email impressed me.

 

I haven't responded.

 

My energy is elsewhere - work, running, my head. And, I don't intend to have a correspondence.

 

Meanwhile, I wake knowing ginger and I each are excited about the other.

[IAmFCA]

Talked to my colleague about my head, adhd, and peri-menopause. It was powerful. I am starting to love myself in a way I never have before. It's like falling in love. Wonderful.

[IAmFCA]

Date #2 was last night. It was good -- similar styles, similar interests. Got that kiss. "So when are you next available" he said. And the answer I gave was... tonight. Probably shouldn't have done that. Too soon. Kids come home tomorrow; we travel again; I went with it. I really should be home tonight doing laundry, paying bills, cleaning up.

 

Here is my internal conflict: I want the compliment of having an advance plan, and the ease of breaking it. I am 98% certain that is unfair on my part. Tonight, I am making no plans. If the date gets broken because we have too much else we need to do, I am alright with it. If he calls and says, dinner, 7:00, my house, I am alright with that. I am not making any plan whatsoever.

 

Tonight will be the sex / relationship conversation. He would have accepted an invitation for an overnight yesterday, had I issued one. Time for me to set some expectations. I don't know if I care where his head is at; that will show itself over time.

 

Outline: (1) Positive affirmation: I feel really good about you. (2) I want to learn more. (3) I am looking for a long term thing, and want to create a strong foundation first. I have an idea that we are both slow to become vulnerable, and maybe that is how it should be. Much rather wait until we have peeled off some layers first.

 

He will dig that. He will understand it is a compliment.

 

What red flags am I ignoring:

(1) I paid for the movie. He intended me to; I can't remember why. Maybe he paid for everything last time. Maybe I said I would. He might have been doing the right thing from a give/take perspective.

(2) Is there a cutting edge? A sweetness? And then, when trampled, a hardness or a bite?

(3) There is something I can sense, like an expectation for why he didn't get something done. I can't quite figure it out. I have been super busy, he has been accommodating me. Haven't had a chance to gauge his reliability.

 

 

Much to learn.

[IAmFCA]

In the News of the Weird column:

 

Having now regular email correspondence with the man, now married, whose relationship with me was the one that drove me to find ENA. Yes, the one who withheld his engagement, who emailed me at 2:00 am "I made a mistake!" out of context when he doubted his decision to marry her, not being able to write all of that but assuming I would know since we knew each other so intimately, the one who sexted me immediately before and after said wedding, the one whose character is clearly and obviously deeply flawed. His fiancee permitted him sexual freedom; I am the only dalliance of his whom she found threatening. And I am accepting this correspondence. It is all clean, about triathlons and the like. It is also..... worthy of remark. For reasons I know not, yet.

[IAmFCA]

Well, that was fast. We became addicted in the space of a week or so. Those boundaries fall like rain, and we have to break to raise them up again. that was a fun little diversion.

 

Going to drum session tonight with Ginger. He was a professional drummer and bass player. I am never drummed-wanna learn. I am going to have to be vulnerable and secure in myself while learning a new skill and engaging my inner self to channel music, beats, people. I am nervous.

 

Wingman still digs this man for me. I am afraid of being vulnerable. Why? If I am going to attract an emotionally available man, I need to be comfortable and unlayered. Going to try to channel my inner strength tonight. Let him appreciate me; let me appreciate me; be glad in it.

[IAmFCA]

Oh my goodness. Could that date have been any hotter.

 

So hard to keep it together, but we did.

 

Speechless.

[IAmFCA]

Okay, back to screening for ltr suitability. Tough tough tough.

[IAmFCA]

Wow.

 

So last night I raised two concerns: 1 year min post-divorce, and relationship intention. I wasn't in the mood to discuss either, though he stood tall ready to address them. Divorce was 366 days ago, funny.

 

This afternoon he texted, suggesting a call, meet, or other opportunity to address my concerns. He said if no time available, he wanted me to think happy thoughts until next opportunity.

 

I called. It took 10 minutes. Easy, no drama. Yes, it's been a year, he said. Then: The meat and potatoes of the question: it's been a year since divorce, and 18 m since lawyer said I could date. I wasn't looking to be dating anyone, but youre really great, and if we end up dating, im cool with that.

 

I requested clarification: do you have any limits?

 

And then: this might be giving away too much, but you're pretty cool. We haven't known each other that long. If this keeps going, wherever it goes, yeah, I'm ready for that. I have no limits. Oh drat, he said it better.

 

He said he would meet my schedule, let him know when. I said, No. I'm trying to train you to date me properly, without you knowing. Which we laughed about.

 

This feels real. It does. Last night left each of us speechless, still. "It was surreal", he said. And still, he has it in balance, knowing that is just one aspect of the whole picture.

 

I am genuinely excited about this new opportunity. Similar approaches to parenting. Similar career interests. Similar passion for music. Similar disinterest in the actual time. Similarly irresponsible college years. Similar upbringing. Similarly casual tailored style. Athletics, outdoors, sailing. Responsible for running his business, active in his second enterprise. Investor in CREEK and active relationship with his dad. Chosen to give eulogy for his mom. Never says anything judgmental. "That's not really my scene" instead of "too hippie for me".

 

Much to learn. Want to learn it. No interest in anyone else. At all. No similar feeling, not in decades.

[IAmFCA]

PS I earned this. I deserve what I want.

 

Still can turn on a dime. I am open to that, in case I need to cut bait. Judgment withheld till more diligence completed.