Conceive, Believe, Achieve- My Journal to a Healthy Relationship

[IAmFCA]

I am

 

Strong. Limitless. Open. Curious. Athletic. Sexy. Smart. Grounded. Unusual. Deep. Energetic. Impulsive. Flexible.

 

A man who wants what I offer is dang lucky to have me.

 

I ran 12.75 m today. That is the one text to which he responded. He wanted to be in my camp. Otherwise, he is in his world. It is good he doesn't know of your brains distraction.

[IAmFCA]

UGHHHHH

 

Up most of the night. Hormone day. Yay me.

 

Must. Power. Through.

 

No call from stupid man, whom I am calling stupid man right now because I feel sleepy, petulant, and indulgent. He will return to respected man status some other day, or 5 minutes from now, or whenever the hormone volcano resolves itself.

 

Really, God, you couldn't think up a better system? Or, said differently, what was this sine wave biology intended to help me with? The periodic ability to destroy all those who have dared come close? lol. Thank you!

[IAmFCA]

FINALLY got to work. Thank goodness I made myself run!

 

My man's friend sent me a fb message full of compliments, news of his kid drama over the weekend, and other tidbits. I think she is trying to support his efforts with me and help me cut him some slack.

 

I am not responding. Wingman gave me great advice: talk to my old roomie, do not respond to anyone else, "you are totally otr" so just don't do anything with anyone that isnt completely safe. lol, so true. backed into a phone pole yesterday; i never do that.

 

When I was younger being OTR had no impact on me whatsoever, except the occasional migraine. this is craziness.

[IAmFCA]

I got the text, I don't know why he chose to mention the cookies just now, its like everyone is talking about my cookies.... I don't get it. Sitting tight. He is clearly distracted, I am feeling out of the loop, his people are trying to fold me in knowing he sucks at it, and I don't want to hear it from anyone but him. And, yeah, I may be just a bit over sensitive? lol Just freaking wait till tomorrow ITIC before you drive anyone besides yourself bat crazy.

 

Meanwhile, I talked to school about tuition payments. They maybe can help move the amounts around a bit, which is super helpful. Why I didn't call before, who knows, but I called now, and I am taking a minute to be proud of that fact.

[IAmFCA]

Figured it out!

 

"When M and L joined us at the XXXXXX bar and you held my hand or rubbed my calf even as we focused mostly on our guests? Its like that. I want to hold hands when we don't see each other, when we are focused on other things.

 

Saying what i said can sound leash like. The concept of a leash gives me hives. Feeling you feels warm and sexy, and not at all like a leash. I like feeling you. So my question is, how can we hold hands when we are focused on other things?

 

 

 

Backstory

 

He digs me, I get it. Its like, I could not date you for 6 months; see you again then, and want you then as I do now. I don't need to have the thread to know I want you.

 

Its important that I fuel your energy, not slurp it up.

 

If you wanted a thread, you would make one, which makes me not want to bring it up... except I kind of feel left out. Of what, I am not sure. This is unfamiliar territory for me. For example, I previously dated someone for a year and a half, and we almost never spoke or texted, except to arrange a weekend plan. Am also focused on my kids; I really am not sure what I am after here.

 

YES I do!

[IAmFCA]

Here just to say I am freaking happy as a clam. Two broke, over privileged, over-distracted ADHD sailors and music fans find each other and live happily ever after on little sleep and lots of ingenuity.

 

We have revealed ourselves to each other in funny ways that I find charming. While he was away I looked at one of his business' websites, just missed him and wandered about. Found a piece of the site that needs fixing. Sent him an email that I was stalking him. Joked about a drone over his camping tent. He replied inquiring as to what sort of drone, noting the sort of drone he uses to hover outside my window. He previously said he and his kids stalked my fb so he could show them about me. I am charmed that he is transparent in that way.

 

I wrote him tonight that I wanted to do a tri with him next year; its one he asked me to do this year with his friends. There are only, maybe 10 men that do it. So, next year I guess it would be 10 men and me. The fact is, I expect to do this race with him next year. From his text back he expects same. I laughed that I should have deleted my text before sending so as not to reveal the year-from-now thought, but that I was bored with censoring myself. He is completely natural with it.

 

It just works. Except that we have no overlapping free time. Whatever. Happy.

[IAmFCA]

Ehh eff it.

 

Sometimes, I am just plumb out of enthusiasm.

[IAmFCA]

OK, my trusted friends made me better. I am so lucky to have them.

 

Date with the future love of my life tomorrow.

[IAmFCA]

Date amazing.

 

Work exploding in good ways.

 

Celebrate life and it celebrates me back. Don't question it, accept, appreciate, give thanks, and keep rolling.

[IAmFCA]

Not even an hour together last night, and it was compelling to be in his company. If he is not feeling it, or it goes away for him, then I will fall flat on my face. That is just how it is.

 

I haven't met my match so completely until now. That is how it feels anyway. Family culture, neighborhood culture, adhd, music, timeliness, industry, food tastes, travel, sailing, the ever present smile. I am absolutely interested in more more more.

[IAmFCA]

Some observations:

 

He is completely ADHD. Medicated, but still with symptoms, such as "Did I send you this picture?" "No..." "I meant to send it to you..." And then I see on my text both that I sent it and that he responded. So he is completely ADHD, as am I, and neither of us remembered the exchange. Lesson 1) Do not make personal that which is medical. I know that he can't remember details, so don't expect of him that kind of life management.

 

Late for everything. Everything. "I'd like to play drums with them, but I would have to arrive at rehearsal on time." I have said the same: knowing how hard it is for me to manage time. It limits opportunities. I feel like it can be managed. Like me, punctuality is not related to intention.

 

When the moment arrives, he knows what he wants to do. So, trust his intention: this is what I want to do, and then build in flexibility so that I can be available when the moment arrives.

 

Leave him alone, and he will manage it to get some attention. Set up a regular meeting time, and it might drive him batty. Keep thinking on creating a regular touchstone.

[IAmFCA]

Learned in my google search

 

Only 3% to 4% are ENTP

 

Some 30%+ of ADHD people are ENTP

 

We both crave new, we both crave autonomy.

 

ENTP/ADHD tension is finding balance between tradition/reliability and new, autonomy.

 

My question: Is there something we can do to offer a pattern of assurance, that still provides newness and autonomy? Can we each accept a responsibility for date planning? Not now we can't; too much me then you, not enough fluid team work.

 

How about... can we each find a habit we do to remind the other?

 

Other people have shown me this habit is a morning call - which I don't like - or a morning text, which I do. Or an evening call, which I like, but I never know where I will be, and at what time. So it isn't perfect. That is why we both text, I guess. He wakes to his day by looking at his phone and thinking about work. I dont want to get in the way of that. His mind expands afterwards.

 

What would i do that repeats, but changes? Hmmm.

[IAmFCA]

Sometimes, I hear from him, and I can feel that he is talking to me, it is more conversational. It is like a layer is slowly lifting, where I am becoming his friend.

 

I treasure that.

[IAmFCA]

I woke up happy.

 

I noticed my running during the week is a push, not a pull. Need to make a goal to pull me.

 

I want for nothing.

[IAmFCA]

Did I mention I am happy?

 

OK, going to work now.

[IAmFCA]

OK, I have two confessions.

 

(1) I did not tell him yesterday was my bday. Why would I?

 

(2) I accepted a penis pic. It arrived as a surprise to me, at 2 in the morning. I found it when I woke. Would I want him accepting a vag pic from an ex? No, I wouldn't expect to know about it, and I wouldn't like it, and it would tell me something about where his head is at. And I would forever be a little extra vigilant about the ex. I don't want that for him.

 

I am being disrespectful. I have an interaction that seems to cost me nothing. But it could cost me something, if I don't fix it, simply because it isn't right.

 

So, the test for me is.... when do I shut down the spigot that is leaking sex into my email? It is time to face that question. Shutting that down is my last symbol of putting my faith in the thing I have.

 

Geez and I just had the awful instinct of confessing my penis pic to my man. That is the stupidest idea I have ever come up with in the history of time. So, I guess that means its time for me to shut this down. Damn. It used to be fun. It isn't fun anymore, my new guy is on my mind now, not my old one.

 

And I never have figured out exactly how it is my old guy is alone at night at 2 in the morning, in the middle of the week. Where is the wife???

 

Oh dear, if I had put this in a thread there would be little patience for my behavior. I understand that. It is time for me to draw some boundaries.

[IAmFCA]

He answered

 

the wife -- away on business

she tries to keep up

the drive, extra as he turns to his imagination to relieve stress from the job

(which we had talked about separately in a respectful, friendly exchange)

 

he just doesn't know what to do with his hypersexual self. I always have shared that with him, and after shutting the door hard, I allowed myself to become safe again in recent months.

 

Needs to end, for my own psychological health. Not because I want him, fantasize about him, or anything else. Rather, because my mind runs in only one direction now, and I will never lie to anyone. So it will die off on its own.

[IAmFCA]

I raised the issue. He will know its coming, he will recede to protect himself. I don't know. I feel as if I have given him a chance to take care of himself. I know he is vulnerable to me, in ways that are strange and inexplicable. It is as if I am the only person who has accepted him, perhaps his wife, but they seem more transactional with one another - he is comfortable in a transactional setting, it keeps him from being too intensely intimate.

 

Yes, I did the right thing by raising a warning flag.

[IAmFCA]

Also

 

The Gentleman sent me flowers and several books yesterday, for my birthday. He expected to see me at the concert last night. I didn't go. I haven't talked to my brother yet.

 

I suppose I will send a thank you for the birthday gifts. I really don't want to, and I may not.

[IAmFCA]

I sent an email thanking the G for the gifts. I wished him a good b day today. I said I would continue no contact.

 

I told the sex guy that I was thinking about focusing only on my man, and he said, maybe we should be like in Same Time, Next Year. Spot on re our dynamic.

 

I had an amazing, ridiculously good date with the Ginger. Incredibly compelling for me. I don't know how deeply I touch him, and I find it so hard sometimes not to ask. He saI'd We have a good thing going here don't we, and he wondered if i/we could sail this weekend, and he said again I think you're great, and he said he liked how we text during the day. Still, I don't think I've swept him off his feet, maybe i don't want to, in a man I like that unflappable quality.

 

So, let's face reality. First one his kids know about. Met his friends. On his calendar when he wants a date. Says wow. Thinks our intimate time is amazing, and keeps those images with him during the day. Shares with me where his cash stash is, his slow pays at his business, showed me his office building.

 

I read this, and I think: Appreciate! There is nothing to ask. Appreciate. Today's mantra. Over and over. He is as lucky to have found you as you him.

 

He may need a moment to miss you, and whenever that happens, it will be the right time. Let it be as it will be,.

 

Like this thread says. I have conceived. It's time to believe.

 

Aha! The challenge! It's easier for me to believe a bad outcome than a good one. If i stick to that, then that is what i will get.

 

Meditation/prayer time: the good outcome is what is meant for me. Trust that i may not always know what that is, so i will do the best i can to invite goodness and take what happens.

 

Yes. Believe.

[IAmFCA]

BELIEVE

 

MANTRA

 

Good things are intended for me.

 

Good things are intended for me.

 

Good things are intended for me.

 

OVER AND OVER UNTIL IT IS IN MY DNA.

[IAmFCA]

Try and sift through what he can and cannot fix - and then I tell him, "Hey love, can I just talk this out for a second and get a hug? I'd feel ten times better." Men like to be given ways to 'make it better' so they feel appreciated and accomplished. -- Misssmithviii

[IAmFCA]

I woke again at three. I have a pattern, go to bed early, wake at 4-5 hours, brain thinking... i texted him three texts at 3. Because I read his text to me, sent at 1230 while I was asleep. Was awake till 4, and then a bit back under till 6. This is nuts.

 

His text made me feel a love for him, there in the middle of the night. He shared with me a parenting victory.

 

I felt honored that he shared it with me.

 

Again, when will I see him next. Always the question. Helpful to know his parents sat with each other, every day, for 45 minutes. They talked only with each other during that time. He gets it! He gets the value of the regular thing!

 

Please please please let this be that thing it feels like it is.

[IAmFCA]

Possibly sailing today with his kids. Alternating between feeling how normal this is to Holy Crap this is huge and I could screw it up and feel uncomfortable!

 

We communicate by touch, and we won't have that today, (if we go). It's going to be fine. We help each other naturally anyhow.

[IAmFCA]

Nothing happened today. I didn't expect it to. I would have liked a call, but it wasn't required.

 

I am pleased with me with my response within myself. Yes i would have liked a call, but in truth, i didn't feel like talking and spent all day in my own form of recovery. Cleaning, organizing, getting my home closer to restful. I needed to be alone, I got that opportunity, and I didn't obsess.

 

Yay.