Conceive, Believe, Achieve- My Journal to a Healthy Relationship

[IAmFCA]

Hormones. Sheesh.

[IAmFCA]

I sent him a text - four texts as I developed the idea - to go out tonight. I just can't plan ahead like he does. Then again, I manage three calendars 24/7 and in a way, 5 calendars. So there are many variables, and my thinking is muddled, which I now see is an aspect of me learning to be assertive. So, I am learning. Been practicing this whole time, which is why my dating habits have swung from HeMan to Gentleman and may shift further. What gets me is that he keeps in step with me, which is something I am processing. He is the same Myers-Briggs as the ExH and that really has me spooked. He is very observant, and I have the sense that he is just staying in position. Rather impressive.

 

Noted: I suggested x, and he came back with Yes but a totally different plan. No question, just different. That happens more frequently of late, and it stands out. He is taking more liberty verbally and in planning my time. This could be the slowest blossoming flower ever made. Maybe the gentle questions are a balance for a serious control freak.

 

Its funny. Its like I am missing something and yet still here, even as I challenge myself to leave. One day at a time.

[IAmFCA]

Okay, conversation was effective. He says "You come off as very insular but deep down you are so sweet." Yeah that's true. I said, in the beginning I couldn't have cared less. "I got that impression." Oops.

 

Meanwhile, I attracted two more flies to the web. A horrible analogy. But I did. Haven't met them, don't know them, and will let them both go as early as I can, unless it seems I shouldn't. One, I don't know. The other seems well grounded.

 

This would turn poor Gs heart to stone. Must be intentional in my actions.

[IAmFCA]

I missed him in church. Telling on several fronts, including, maybe i am becoming more emotionally available. Recovery has been long.

 

Will still interview others, until I am confident in my choice. Right now, I am not confident and I respect myself enough to withhold choices until i am.

[IAmFCA]

My issue keeps returning to this: ENTP + INTJ.

 

Is he too remote for me? (Ironic, I know.) How do I measure his passion? How do I tell when he has let his hair down? This is the substance of it and I would need to explore further with him directly.

[IAmFCA]

Hid my profile again. Its just too darn annoying, distracting, and inefficient. Let me focus on the good thing I have, and maybe have nothing at all, but at least carry myself properly.

[IAmFCA]

just concluded another phone call. Negotiated the schedule and also my mis-text. So easy. I recognize that I am coming off two weeks of drifting away. Now, it feels like I am catching feelings. Real ones. Um, wow?

[IAmFCA]

On review: I wanted more intimacy, more requests from him for my attention. Yet I communicated that I am not available, and he respected that.

 

I started looking on line. Did I find anyone? Maybe, but after a time, they all just became representative of more chaos. In other words, I really wasn't interested in investing in someone else.

 

As I began to take responsibility for what I want, I discovered that he stands ready to provide it. He just wants to know I am interested in receiving it.

 

Now, what do I want from him? Just tell him. Is it fair to ask him to expand my horizons? I suspect he does, in ways I don't recognize. By affirming that other people exist like the family in which I was raised. By living his values. A way of expanding internal horizons of faith. Understanding this value is the key to my own growth, and will underpin my assertiveness training too. Clear values make it clear what is worth requesting.

[IAmFCA]

OK, I got it.

 

(1) Ask for more casual touching to affirm that we are united, especially when in a formal dinner setting.

(2) Let him be your quiet place of rest.

(3) Let yourself be his inspiration. Shine as you inspire him, let him receive you to rest.

[IAmFCA]

OK, I got it.

 

(1) Ask for more casual touching to affirm that we are united, especially when in a formal dinner setting. DID this. WORKS.

(2) Let him be your quiet place of rest. DID this, WORKS.

(3) Let yourself be his inspiration. Shine as you inspire him, let him receive you to rest. THIS MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

 

I am uncomfortable being loved. I feel like when you love me, I will let you down. I will not love you.

 

Is this because you are the wrong guy, or because I am afraid of failure or think I am unlovable or some other ME issue?

 

I was picking him apart. He could feel it, I am sure. We are both ignoring, and looking forward to our next date.

 

Meanwhile, just like the exH: I was rebounding from David, I was rebounding from BJB. I ended it with both, I ended it within myself and with them, but it caused me pain anyway, it caused me a sense of loss. Ending it was an act of giving up something I want, to find something I want MORE. Both caused me to question my instincts. N & J are safe, rather, they feel safe. N is just as safe as they come, except that he can't be trusted since he is always pleasing everyone else. J is safe too, less of a pleaser, but diligent, responsible, serious. I think I should be taking more risk in my choices.

[IAmFCA]

Oh my goodness, maybe I am keeping myself from not getting past the good parts of B, as a tool to prevent myself from getting involved again. There are parts of him that I miss palpably, the brain being the foremost (which is saying something).

 

A self-protective mechanism resulting from fear.

 

That is sounding on point.

 

He is wrong guy, if I am choosing from fear. He may be right guy, and I wouldn't know, because fear is preventing me from making a proper go of it.

 

Let go. Breathe.

[IAmFCA]

OK

 

Law of Attraction.

 

As long as I am afraid, I will attract fear.

 

As long as I am afraid of abandoning someone else, I will attract someone who is afraid to be fully connected.

 

As long as fear drives me, I will attract someone with fear.

 

Always have, always will.

 

Unless I address this fear, again.

 

Finally, I am sitting here today, wanting someone to notice me. I think I go on OKC to be noticed, and then get discouraged because the people who notice me, I don't want.

 

I wonder about that guy in NC.

 

Power it back up again?

 

New rule: Keep it up. Respond to as few messages as possible.

[IAmFCA]

I really need to journal.

 

Been intense, I attracted a couple of potentials but I don't want them anymore. Has nothing to do with them. Just me, wanting to appreciate what I have and simplify. As soon as I say that, I get scared. What if I am missing the right one?? So, I will try a date or two, I guess. I am not sure whether its a waste of time tbh.

 

Don't know why the one dropped off the planet, but he did. Oh well.

 

I am missing something, and I have something. Can't figure it out yet.

[IAmFCA]

God help me, is this all just hormones? I like him all over again.

 

If I were charting this relationship, I would be so frustrated with my inconstancy. I suppose if I ever choose to love this man it will be so far past when everyone else thought it was obvious. Choosing him scares me deeply. I always thought I would have that big man on campus guy, the guy in the center of the room, the --- what did I call him on here? -- anyway, him (who in fact is an unstable superficial narcissist and therefore is SO not my guy). I thought my guy would sparkle and charm and have that IT factor. But this guy does not have that. But he DOES have strength of conviction, responsibility, faith, humility, respect, family, humanity, charity. I mean, honestly, I can't think of a single character flaw, in terms of big picture "Character".

 

I am glad to just ride this out and see what happens.

[IAmFCA]

You know, its funny. In a way, I am the slow one here. Oh sure, I would have been tons faster in the usual ways. My deeper affection though was completely unavailable. I mean, look at me peeling off layers as if I am approaching a nuclear testing grounds. Its not that scary. He is a good guy. Somehow, he has moderated himself to give me only as much as I can receive. Which turns out to be a lot less than what I am used to being given. And it turns out to be damn compelling that he is moderating us in this way. I am really quite turned around about this. I think another layer is leaving me, hence my one step forward half step back kind of motion. I just don't know what to think, except I am beginning to feel quite honored to tell you the truth. I would really like to feel the same way for, oh I don't know, maybe at least two days straight. This ping-ponging is just ridiculous. And I really don't know what I think of my own behavior, except that I am a skittish rat. I will continue to honor myself so that I get to the goal in a way that honors all of my questions, doubts, fears, and other shenanigans. For all I know he could be going to dinner every weeknight with someone but of course, I don't think so. And if he is, well, what of it. I get him when I want I want him, she - if there were a she - isn't getting squat.

 

What about how much he likes to be alone? What about the vanilla-est of vanilla? If we were to stay together, could we live together? I don't know. Could we? I mean, do I even know enough to be able to tell? Whatever the answer, it is too soon to tell. And if it is too soon to tell, then it is too soon to shut down all channels. I guess I am doing the right thing but really really I don't know. One day at a time my friend.

 

Breathe, enjoy, receive, feel the smile in your heart. Let the smile exist there, there, feel that? Let it be. Just let him love you. Just let him. Let. Let. Let.

 

What's the gospel song: Let God, let go, let God, let go

 

All this asking. Its just anxiety. Just LET. Feel. Let. Breathe. Let. Warm. Let. Safe.

 

Wow. That is calming. Live that.

[IAmFCA]

This is the most ridiculous sentiment ever.

 

Here goes.

 

I am hot. I am accomplished. I am fun.

 

Yet, I "like" your pics, bunches of you, and you don't like me back.

 

Annoying.

 

And, you know, I am okay with that, at some level. At another level, I have to recognize that I am accustomed to the validation, that I WANT the validation, and that is just crap that I even value the validation. It is freaking worthless.

 

Huh. Maybe I just exorcised another demon.

 

Yay me!

[IAmFCA]

Well, I got what I asked for. I went back on, I don't know why, and damn if his profile didn't show up in my search. He was on tonight. So was I. I have never seen him on before, I think this is a new behavior for him. I can only hope that he didn't see me, because previously I told him I was off line. I was. But then I got back on. I disabled mine tonight. I do not want to swim in the same pond.

 

Had I actually had the set of breasts I think I have, I would have clicked on his profile, busted him and myself out, and made us talk about it. But I scurried into my corner like a little mouse. I am away, maybe he is making himself a set of plans for the weekend. I don't know. I admit, I don't like it, and I am amused at the irony that I don't like it.

 

So does he dig me? Was he checking up on me? Or was he getting a date? Oh I don't care. He can date whom he likes. If he likes her better, then f it, I can go back to living my regular life. I have been wondering about the longevity of this thing anyway, every week since it began. But yes, I would prefer he choose me. Yes I would. Let's be vulnerable for once, shall we?

 

Ha ITIC you got what you deserved. The two of you showed up at the same party when you said you would be home studying, didn't you. Ha. Well well well.

 

Do I go dark? Do I bring it up? Do I give him assurances while away? Hmm. Damn.

[IAmFCA]

(1) Do I want him or do I just want to feel secure knowing he wants me?

 

Re he wants me: Whomever he chooses for this weekend, wipe that from your mind. Who he wants is his business and let's not forget how he was able to take you out even while he was midstride uncertain about his ex (unbeknownst to you, and he was a perfect gentleman, but still.)

 

 

(2) The real question: I don't KNOW. Reality: I may not have the luxury of choice. That is the thing I seem to forget. The world does not just wait around while I get my s together. Even still, I have clearly made him a priority: I have made plans with him in advance, including the first night I am back. He knows I like him, and I know he likes me.

 

Maybe that's enough. Let this go. Its a remnant of feelings you do not need to have. Just gut it out.

 

And no, you may NOT snoop where you want to snoop. Stop it. Invest EVERYTHING you have in your future.

[IAmFCA]

Ok, wingman says, stay the course, stay on line, your man isn't giving you what you need, you know this.

 

He also doesn't expect me to keep him through the summer.

 

So, its just going to be weird for awhile. And I am hormonal for three weeks straight, this body is just pinging me all over the place. Nice to have medical affirmation that i am a statistical anomaly but so what. What do I do about it? Grrr.

[IAmFCA]

I got it!

 

Fear of abandonment. He is on line, I get afraid. Harkens back to childhood, to the one death, let's not overlook the second death, and of course divorce. I have sustained some body blows.

 

OK, its okay. I will not be abandoned, because I am nobody's ward. I will not be abandoned, not by me. I have me. If I am to say Gracias A-Dios as per this morning's surprise sermon, then remember, Gracias. Gracias. Not abandonment. I am accompanied at beginnings, endings, and in between.

 

Fear not abandonment, for all will be abandoned by earthly things, and none by soulful things. My soul is strong, it is whole, the rest of me is able to carry it as far as it will like to go.

 

I will rejoice in it.

[IAmFCA]

Responsive to my requests, while making few of his own. Is he passive? Am I his lesson how to get what you want? What is my lesson? Slowly, that's one. Values, that's two. Take responsibility for what I want, that's three.

 

"I feel like there is so much more of you, and that I haven't found the key to unlock it. And, I'm not sure want with me, so it strikes me that maybe I'm not supposed to find the key. Maybe you just aren't available to me at this time."

[IAmFCA]

And there it is

 

What do you intend? I no longer wish to wonder.

[IAmFCA]

Hmm, I did receive a message this morning wishing hmd and reporting news. News included stayed in on Thursday and Friday, ran Saturday, party Saturday night with family. Today's plans unknown, if typical, they will include church and dad.

 

Hm. Maybe...

 

My job: hold my line until he shows his cards.

[IAmFCA]

A differe approach: "I feel stuck at a certain level of intimacy, and it occurs to me that maybe I am the impediment. What is your perspective?"

[IAmFCA]

Classic. I write re issue of interest, thinking I will get the usual non-response, and I get a near immediate response sent from iphone asking if I want to make a weekend trip to XX.

 

He is so dang stoic how the heck am I supposed to know anything?! I guess I know that when work pulls him to that place, he thinks of inviting me for a weekend.

 

I still want to take his temperature.

 

And -- if I gather up the actions, mine and his, we communicate interest. We also communicate non-committal, for example, I think he had a date Sunday simply because he did not tell me about his dad and he was active on OKC. He thinks I am non-committal because he knows I have decided to activate my profile. But we see each other most Saturdays, first-availables, and church and family. Are we just tip toeing around?

 

Dunno. Whatever. Enjoy it, talk tomorrow maybe.