lifesatrip Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I've been out with a guy a few times and he keeps asking me the same questions over and over. He says he has a bad memory but he's an intelligent person and seems to remember facts/historical information pretty well. He claims to "really like" me and says he wants to be with me, but the fact that he remembers so little of what I say makes me think he finds me uninteresting and is only physically attracted. I'm just wondering if others would agree with whether this is an accurate read of the situation. We have quite a bit in common and similar values (I think), but I'm afraid he doesn't really respect me or find me conversationally interesting. To be fair I've been very nervous around him which makes it hard for me talk candidly, but I do talk and I feel like I keep telling him the same stuff and he doesn't remember it. I'm afraid he's mainly just interested in me because my shyness gives me a submissive demeanor which makes him feel powerful. If a guy consistently doesn't remember much of what his date says, is it fair to conclude he's not really interested? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I would venture a yes..Especially in the beginning stages of dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I would conclude that he's only prepared to get to know you on a superficial level. Nothing wrong with that if you're game. If you're looking for a real relationship, though, I'd pass on this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 Hmm, thanks. Also, I forgot to say that I voiced concern that he didn't really respect me the other day and his reply (after the "where did that come from?") was something about how I hold myself back but he's willing to wait. I'm not sure what that means. He claims he does respect me but I'm not convinced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 You suspect he might not respect you or be genuinely interested in you. There have to be reasons for this besides just the fact that he has a poor rememberer. Even if you can't quite put your finger on exactly why you feel that way about him, you should pay attention to that intuition. It means he's no good for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 does he smoke a lot of pot? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 It's also possible he's dating multiple women and having a hard time keeping facts about each of them straight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 HeatherB, that's a good point, gut reaction is usually pretty reliable. Annie, ha, he has in the recent past but I don't think he is now, though he did joke that that might be his problem. t1lersm0m1, that's possible but he seems to very available schedule-wise so I don't think he's dating lots of women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 This is so annoying! If he doesn't remember anything you tell him and have mentioned this to him but he just blows it off as bad memory...I say it's time to move on even if it is just bad memory he obviously doesn't care enough to try to remember more...the not caring part is what would bother me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 what does he not remember? like your cat's name, or he doesn't remember really basic information about yourself (if you are divorced/have kids, etc....?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 Oops, this is a double post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 Lovesodeep, yeah, it's definitely the not caring part which gets to me. I have never called him out on the lack of memory and it didn't bother me at first. He started getting self conscious because I would answer his questions and he'd (vaguely) realize I'd already told him the information. At first I thought his self-consciousness was an overreaction, but then it started to seem like it was happening a lot. Annie, It's a range of stuff that he doesn't remember. He has asked me about my hobbies multiple times (though he did remember one of them), and he seems not to remember some general life background stuff (though some of it he does). Though my initial impression was that he was a great listener, I've started to notice that he's sometimes just not taking it in (though sometimes he appears to genuinely be engaged). I'm not sure if I'm overanalysing this. Feeling like someone's not listening is kind of a touchy thing for me. It's possible it could be nervousness on his part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Whether or not it does mean he lacks interest, I'd certainly interpret it that way. And I think a lot of reasonable people would too. Especially if this is a touchy spot for you, I'd go ahead and call this one done if I were you. I don't know, maybe someone who has a similar "problem" will weigh in, but even nervousness shouldn't be an excuse for forgetting this much stuff about a new person you're dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 Whether or not it does mean he lacks interest, I'd certainly interpret it that way. And I think a lot of reasonable people would too. Especially if this is a touchy spot for you, I'd go ahead and call this one done if I were you. I don't know, maybe someone who has a similar "problem" will weigh in, but even nervousness shouldn't be an excuse for forgetting this much stuff about a new person you're dating. Yeah, I think you're right. There are some other things that turn me off too. I'm wondering if I should tell him that this bothered me if he asks why I don't want to keep dating or if I should just keep it simple and nonspecific. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Yeah it just depends on how you feel about him overall....my best friend is terrible with details...she forgets the actual date of my birthday regularly. If I'm doing a play (and she know this is very important to me) she will have to ask 3-4 times when it is, or what it is...or some little detail. But I love her as a person so I just oblige her and tell her over and over again. However if a man ever did this I think I'd be out the door. I'd see it as a lack of interest. Doe she forget other things? I dated a guy once that was terribly forgetful...as long as I obliged him he continued to forget things....then one day I stopped. He'd say "What night are you free this week?" I'd say "I already told you." and I'd wait and eventually he'd say, "Oh right it was Wednesday!" he could remember but everyone he knew just gave in when he asked or said he forgot so he stopped trying. When I stopped giving in...his brain actually picked up the slack....you might try that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luminousone Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I'm wondering if he has ADHD? Or- he may be so nervous that he is unable to listen and take in the information. If he is asking about you rather than just talking about himself then I think that is a good sign. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I think if you are starting to date someone, and you feel the need to ask/call someone out for lack of respect, it's a good signal that it's not a good fit. I don't necessarily think it always means lack of interest. Some times it is just a difference/ clash in personalities. Like for example; you might like him and he like you, but because you have a certain set of qualities and he has a certain set of qualities, you end up feeling under appreciated/ not treated as you would like because of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I think if you are starting to date someone, and you feel the need to ask/call someone out for lack of respect, it's a good signal that it's not a good fit. yeah, i agree. it's so awkward. it's one thing to tell a person you've known for a while, "hey - i don't like it when you do x." but when you barely know each other, it feels so strange and awkward to tell them, "hey - could you knock it off?" or "could you please try to remember a bit more about me....?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Wellllllll...I'm guilty of forgetting, too I usually only remember the very important things...for example, I'll remember if someone is divorced or has kids or what line of job he's in but I'll often forget stuff like where he went on holidays or his dog's name. It doesn't mean I'm not interested...I've just always been like this, with friends, too. One of my best friends I've known for over 10 years and she still says how funny she thought it was when, during the first 2-3 years of our friendship, I had asked her her son's name more than 10 times..lol! In my defense, he did have an unusual name Anyway, since I'm like this, I don't pay much attention when a guy doesn't remember details I've told him unless it's something important like a date time or where my house is I think only you know if you can handle being with someone forgetful and make the difference between 'he forgets easily' and 'he's not interested in me' but, I'd say that if everything else is fine, give him some more time...if he's anything like me, he'll remember after you've told him something 2-3 times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeLambrini Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I'd usually say disinterest, and I know not everyone is the same but I have always had that problem with my boyfriend from the beginning. It bothers him when I remind him we've already had that conversation before because he feels bad but it's just something that has never really made me feel like he is disinterested and I certainly don't think he is disrespecting me because of it. Maybe it is something else about him that you just don't feel is right, like someone else said, and the memory problem is the only obvious solution you can think of. Are the questions he asks conventional questions that you'd usually ask someone you don't know very well? You said he asked about your hobbies a lot - that is a conventional question in my opinion. Also, "where are you from, originally?", "do you have siblings?", "do you have pets?" are all just conventional questions when you are just getting to know someone and you need to fill the silence. If these are what keep being repeated, maybe he is dating others as well and can't keep track of what he has already asked. I would say then that it's a disinterest. I just know if he isn't, then there are some people that are just so psyched to be around you they can't actually remember what they've talked about! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 A lot of people where I work are making similar complaints about our manager who doesn't seem to remember a lot of things from one day to the next. Somebody who has known her a long time says she has always been like this. Academically, she is no dummy . . . but she does some weird things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoCalCBR Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 couldn't have said it better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Thanks for all the feedback here, it was(is) helpful to keep in mind. Against my better judgement I went out with him again. I was very nervous being around him but I relaxed a little and in those pockets where I wasn't totally wound up by tension conversation definitely flowed better. He seemed more attentive and genuine but after dinner we got a beer and the conversation really started to feel stale. (Don't know if it's my nerves, the chemistry, or if I'm just not interesting to him). Sometimes he seemed very interested in what I was saying but I wonder if he was putting up a front. At other times I got the sense that he might be restless or bored. Anyway, overall he seemed much more relaxed, genuine, and respectful. A few times he actually made a point to demonstrate he'd remembered stuff I'd said, which was nice. And he hinted that he felt weird about the dynamic between us (him showing off his knowledge, me acting impressed, I know it's pathetic). So I was beginning to feel more positively toward him, and like maybe we could really connect if I learn to relax, though I'm still unsure if there's really chemistry between us. But he's given other mixed signals which make me think he's loosing interest in me despite these positive things. He seems to think it's his job as the guy to be pushy in drawing the night out even if he doesn't actually want to continue hanging out. This is throwing me off and making me feel insecure and second guess everything he says. For instance last night, he said we should stay out later and drink more and he suggested I come to his house but I knew (based on observations from previous similar interactions and other signals) that he didn't want to do that and wanted to just leave and go our separate ways. I felt like he was tired of hanging out with me. He drove me home and we kissed briefly. I would have been into kissing more, but he said "you probably need to get going" or something like that. I'm just really confused. I can't read him, not sure if I can trust him. I'm not sure if I have real feelings for him (at this point the chemistry is not entirely there) but I like being around him and want to get to know him better. I'm afraid of getting attached and getting hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Well, that's what dating is for..to get to know someone better. Since you like being around him, it won't hurt if you go out with him again. All the 'signs' you mention could just be in your imagination as I don't see anything that positively shows he's not interested..rather the opposite, I would say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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