Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

[justagirl2]

But Batya - I don't want us to be a couple now either. Not at all. I want the same thing he does. Then, if we slowly start to fall for each other maybe in a few months we'd be ready for a relationship. I'm not ready for one now. I'm probably less ready than he is. But, we can hangout, spent some time together casually and see where it ends up in a few months. Might end up nowhere. I might end up back with T or even Z might come around. Who knows.

[Batya33]

But Batya - I don't want us to be a couple now either. Not at all. I want the same thing he does. Then, if we slowly start to fall for each other maybe in a few months we'd be ready for a relationship. I'm not ready for one now. I'm probably less ready than he is. But, we can hangout, spent some time together casually and see where it ends up in a few months. Might end up nowhere. I might end up back with T or even Z might come around. Who knows.

 

Big incompatibility here. You want to see what develops despite not being ready now. He already told you that what you have right now is all he can give- would be very different if he said "right now I am not ready for a serious relationship but in a few months I might be". Even then it would be far better if he didn't start dating until his head was in a state of readiness but he's already told you he won't get involved with a classmate, period. It's different if you start out on the same page and find out down the road that it's going nowhere. You seem to gravitate and thrive on situations where it's going nowhere from the beginning. If you think there's even a chance that you could be ready to be serious with him "if you fall for him" then walk away now. If you're ready to accept his limitations -casual dating without any chance of getting serious even if you "fall' for each other then stick around.

[sophie274]

Honestly, justag, I agree with Batya (surprise surprise ha ha). It does seem to be one of your patterns. I don't think there's anything wrong with hanging out with J (another J!) but be careful that you're honest about what you want. I'm worried you're heading for big disappointment and lots of drama.

 

I think you're still wayyyyy too focused on this "pedigree" issue. You're cutting things into such fine slices, you have such well-defined, minuscule tiers of prestige. Not that it even matters, but J's background is plenty impressive, I don't see at all how it's a step down or whatever from T and Z, and you know I know plenty of peeps with impressive resumes. I don't know ... I just find it troublesome that you're so focused on their achievements. I do understand wanting someone with a similar background as yours, but I feel like you're taking things to such an extreme with this, and I think it's going to be really limiting for you.

[Deciduous]

he thinks that I'm some fragile flower that will get heartbroken and he thinks the fact that we go to school together complicates things.

 

Hi Justa,

 

But, sweetie, YOU are fragile at this point, as we all are when going through emotional turmoil. I honestly think he called it. He realises that you are different places emotionally and perhaps it wouldn' be healthy to move forward right now.

 

Deci

[East4]

It takes a very secure and aloof woman to be ok with casual dating (including sex), or FWB situation. After some time the woman gets to feel used when the guy comes and goes as he pleases, does not call her after sex and clearly dates other women. Many women attempted, but a few were happy with a FWB when they had it. It is known for women that they bond through sex (specially when it's good) and develop feelings, so thinking that something light without any commitment may work for OP when obviously she's more of a serious long term relationship type of girl, is not realistic IMO. I think that the J guy senses it and doesn't want to be a jerk, all the more the same school situation. Let him go, if you cannot be just friends with him.

[hodgeheg]

Then the friend slept and he just wanted to cuddle and kiss and not go farther because he has been hanging out with other girls and he thinks I'm special because of the way I am - not a big drinker, not hooking up with tons of people. He doesn't feel like he deserves to have sex with me because I haven't slept with anyone else since T and he's been hanging out with tons of girls in the city. He said before he met me he just was in a catching up on lost time mode because he had a gf for 8 years. So he is in a manwhore phase, but it's what my friend said, if he was a true manwhore, he wouldn't care so much about protecting me. .

 

Oh dear. I'm completely new to this thread but, really, you think because he's honest and tells you he's a "manwhore" and sleeping aroundt that you must be something special?

 

You also said that you're really into him, you can't be "really into" a guy and think that you can casually date for a few months. You're way more interested than he is, I don't even know you and it's obvious from the way you write about him.

 

The most important rule of dating is to never ever think that you are the exception. Oh he loves to sleep around but he'll stop all of that for me. This isn't the movies. He won't.

[lady00]

But Batya - I don't want us to be a couple now either. Not at all. I want the same thing he does. Then, if we slowly start to fall for each other maybe in a few months we'd be ready for a relationship. I'm not ready for one now. I'm probably less ready than he is. But, we can hangout, spent some time together casually and see where it ends up in a few months. Might end up nowhere. I might end up back with T or even Z might come around. Who knows.

 

I think that right there is the problem. You say you want to date casually but part of that is that you also want the possibility of a relationship down the line (which is completely fine!). If that is the case, then you should date and take things slowly with someone who is interested in the same type of arrangement. This guy does not want to date people at school. Yes, he could change his mind but that's sort of the same thing with Z, he could change his mind. Of course, anything is possible. But why pursue something with someone who has already told you one of his dealbreakers is that he doesn't want to date a classmate?

 

I'd only pursue this if you're not interested in actually dating him in the long run. If you just want to hang out and have fun knowing full well that it's unlikely to go anywhere then that's fine. But I suspect that this is going to turn into a situation where you end up falling for someone who has made it clear that he's not available for dating and you will be hurt if he reiterates that he does not want to date a classmate.

 

I agree with the others who've said you have a tendency to be attracted to and date unavailable guys. I think you should consider why that is.

[justagirl2]

Thanks guys.

 

I'm in Miami with my girlfriends. It has been bad and good.

 

Bad because what could be LESS my "scene" than empty headed models, brainless guys, tons of alcohol and hard partying? Nothing. I legit am in my worse nightmare. I stayed home all day today while my friends went out because going to a club yesterday and sharing it with 2 Victoria Secrets model (not exaggerating) scarred me for the rest of this trip.

 

We have a house in Miami to hangout as a family, go shopping, eat out, go to a Heats game… This is what I do in Miami. NOT this awful South Beach scene. It's my worse nightmare. BUT, my friends want to have fun, they want to party and they want to drink. I feel like my two girl friends who are home with me think I'm being the most boring host in the world because I really stayed home the whole day. But, who cares, I need this time for solitude.

 

It has been good because it's really good to be away from school and from the guy drama. Honestly, putting things in perspectives, I barely know J, why am I hurting over him? And I'm not even sure I'm that into him, I'm just in a fragile, emotional state so I'm really needy.

 

I need time right now. This break-up really messed with my mind. It was the right thing to do but it hasn't been easy.

 

I have finals next week then going home for 1 month. I'm probably going to see Z and T and I feel so removed from all that and have to face it again. I'm excited about going home but just thinking of dealing with everything just fuels my anxiety.

 

I'm also feeling sooooo fat and eating is the only thing that gives me pleasure right now.

[sophie274]

Fat is not a feeling! I always tell my "girls" (students) that.

 

Sorry you haven't had a great time, but soon you'll be enjoying yourself at home!

[justagirl2]

Ok, a lot of things happened. I met a guy in Miami. A normal, handsome, ivy educated, business school guy. Who would have thought? Certainly NOT me. We met at a restaurant. He was SO hot I was sure he was just another South Beach guy. Well, turns out he also goes to business school which was interesting. Anyways, my girl friends liked him too but he liked me and we kissed in the first night. I mean, you guys know I'm trying to be edgy and have fun so that's what I tried to do. Well, tonight I ended up going to his apt (his family also has an apt in Miami Beach) and we had sex. I wanted it. I've been wanting to be "that" casual sex girl for once since the break-up. Anyways, well, REALLY worried now. Sex was really painful. I think the problem is really me. It really hurts for me to have sex. WHAT THE EFF. Now what if my relationship with T deteriorated because of something that had nothing to do with chemistry or connection? I think I have either an infection, or something going on that makes sex really painful for me. What if the fear and anxiety of having sex is what distanced myself from T and ruined our relationship? I'm very worried this was the case. I read a lot of articles tonight about how painful sex can cause relationships to end because the woman gets very anxious/fearful about it and just disconnects to their partners.

 

So gosh, so worried. What if this ruined my relationship? The sex was REALLY bad with this new guy too and that's because it HURT me like hell. I thought it did because I wasn't into T in that way so it made me not enjoy it and consequently made it hurt but it was the same thing. I mean, it just really hurts me.

 

Anyways, I don't regret this at all. I wanted to see this and realize what was going on with my sex life and I feel like I found some answers by sleeping with this guy. Yes, condoms were used so no STDS.

 

I am confused and don't know what to do now. Does this mean I should try to get back together with T? Were our problems deeper than sex? I'm so confused.

 

This guy is sweet but he lives in NYC and I have no idea when/if I'll see him again. I'm not THAT into him either so I think this might have just been a little Miami weekend fun.

 

I hate that I have so many questions now. I felt like the minute I had sex with someone else and it was GOOD my decision to break-up with T would be validated but now I'm very confused. What if this painful sex problem started everything that ended making me end things? CONFUSED.

[Batya33]

I think you would have known whether it was just that the sex was painful. I know of a number of situations like that -sure it can stress the relationship but if you have a foundation of love and chemistry any doubts that that is the cause quickly fade (if they come into the picture at all). I wouldn't overanalyze. Perhaps you have an infection and I strongly suggest you not be so casual about "no STDs" just because you used a condom. I'm glad you know yourself and that you need to have casual sex right now.

 

The fact that you wanted to have sex with this new guy should validate, once again, that you are not that into T and certainly not enough to even attempt a reconciliation. I don't think you needed that re-validation but you thought you did, and you believe that hooking up/casual sex is what you need right now.

[lady00]

Painful sex could be due to many things, including not being in the right headspace. By "headspace" I mean not being turned on enough, which could be due to anything that makes you not completely comfortable (like fear, insecurity, uncertainty). If you're not turned on enough the things that need to physically happen for it to be comfortable don't happen (e.g. sufficient lubrication, elongation of so that the cervix moves out of the way and it doesn't feel like something is hitting a wall, which can be very painful) and you end up with painful sex. Get checked out by a doctor if you think you may have an infection. If you are due for a gynecological checkup that would be a good time to ask about it and what could be causing it. If there's nothing physically wrong, then you know it's mental, which, as I mentioned, screws up everything and makes things very uncomfortable physically.

[lady00]

I'm pretty sure your problems with T were deeper than sex. You're just not into him enough. If anything it's the other way around - problems in the relationship, lack of attraction caused the sex to be bad. You just plain were not into it. Every person is different. Maybe for you what you need is not only someone who is hot and attracts you in that way but someone who you've taken the time to get to know and feel really comfortable with before you do the deed.

[justagirl2]

I am confused I guess but I don't think I have to go running back to T because the sex was also bad with some other guy, so it must mean we are the perfect match. There must be other problems related to why I broke-up with him, specially because sex has never been the highest point in my list of priorities when dating someone. But, I have to say it did play a big role on the break-up because it made me very anxious to know I had to be alone with him, had to have sex, and feel the pain. It was uncomfortable.

 

It's kind of disappointing that the sex with the new guy wasn't mind blowing and was just as bad. Just reassured me that this "casual" sex is not going to solve any of my issues. Or improve my sex life. I over think so much that I cannot just let myself go like that and enjoy sex with a stranger. The only way for my sex life to be good, in my opinion, is when I fall in love with someone and am able to have the intimacy and comfort (and the passion too, of course) to be able to start enjoying the act again.

 

In my opinion, this was a very good lesson for me. Casual sex is NOT going to improve my sex life. Not at all. And, as Batya stated, all the risks of STDs and emotional involvement. Not worth it.

 

Do I regret what happened this weekend? Not at all. I think it was a very important step in this process of self-discovery I'm in.

 

I can let go of this "let's be more edgy" BS and go back to being myself. A little too worried? Yes. A little too anxious? Yes. A little too neurotic? Yes. A little too much of a goody two shoes? Yes. But it's who I am and trying to be like other people will not help me. It certainly won't help my sex life either.

[Batya33]

I don't think having casual sex had any relevance to self-discovery-it was just one of those garden-variety mistakes that people make (whether about sex or something else) when they think they know something about themselves but are wrong. It happens and I'm glad you've moved on quickly from it. I agree that you should be yourself rather than look at what your peers are doing or what seems "normal" in your particular environment.

[justagirl2]

I think it had a relevance in regards to my view about sex - not about me as a person. I thought that as soon as I jumped in bed with someone else, it would be great, no pain, and sex with T was the problem. Now I see that it is more complex than that and not something I can resolve just by having casual sex. I wouldn't really call it a mistake because well… I knew what I was doing, knew the consequences and am fine with the decision I made. Do I want to repeat this? No. I'd rather be intimate with someone I have a lot more feelings for and whom I feel a real emotional connection with.

[Batya33]

I think it had a relevance in regards to my view about sex - not about me as a person. I thought that as soon as I jumped in bed with someone else, it would be great, no pain, and sex with T was the problem. Now I see that it is more complex than that and not something I can resolve just by having casual sex. I wouldn't really call it a mistake because well… I knew what I was doing, knew the consequences and am fine with the decision I made. Do I want to repeat this? No. I'd rather be intimate with someone I have a lot more feelings for and whom I feel a real emotional connection with.

 

A bit deja vu here -I believe you've posted before about choosing to have casual sex because of something you needed to learn about yourself and then realizing that casual sex isn't right for you . I don't think it was a mistake to have casual sex -I agree with you . I don't think you needed to have intercourse with a stranger to figure out that your issues with T were not just about sex. I think you know that, too but want to justify your decision as a learning experience. I think you basically just felt like it at the time. No big deal.

 

Let's put it this way -can you think of any competent therapist that would suggest using intercourse with a stranger as a way to resolve sex issues in a past relationship? Certainly not your therapist, right? It's kind of water under the bridge because I don't think you're going to choose this method again.

[justagirl2]

Yes, I agree that no therapist would ever advise that at all. She might say, do whatever you want and it's not a big deal to have casual sex if that's what you want for now, but NO way she would advise that to resolve sex issues in a past relationship.

 

I don't think it was me who posted about casual sex before because this was legit the first time I've had it. It's funny though that the guy ended up being such a sweet and nice person. I thought I'd never hear from him again because I had sex with him on the third date and we live in different cities. Today he texts me: "Hey, how are you? Hope you enjoyed your last day and had an easy trip back home".

 

Unexpected to say the least. He's a sweet guy.

 

Anyways, I think I'm "finally" starting to have feelings for Z again. It actually feels nice because it almost felt like I've been numb for this past month just making out with tons of guys. That J crush wasn't really a deep thing.

 

So back to Z, we haven't spoken in a few weeks and finally talked last night. He was adorable. Adorable. Sometimes I almost feel like this J thing was for me to get a bit disconnected from Z so he could miss me.

 

Anyways, Z asked me when I come back home. He asked if I'm going directly to my hometown or stopping by the city he lives (and T lives, and I lived for college/work). I said I'm staying in the city we live for a few days before heading home to see my family. He was so sweet and excited. He said he can't wait to see me and catch up. I've never seen him so happy and genuinely curious/excited/interested in seeing me/when I get there. He already planned a date and everything. So adorable. I told him I'm paying for dinner this time though because he literally allllllways pays and I owe him at least 10 dinners. Also, after our conversation last time, is this really going to be a date?

 

It's going to be telling when we hangout again next week. He told me he doesn't want a relationship so if he tries to kiss me or make out it's going to be a little weird because he told me last time he's not interested in pursuing a relationship.

 

BUT, maybe things are starting to change for him. He finally got his dream job and is moving back to the US before xmas. We'll probably be able to see each other lots and lots next year.

 

I'm still kind of numb to be honest. Not that into to anyone. Still comparing everyone to T and wondering if going back to T is just the best idea? Z is the only guy that I genuinely can compare to T. He's also an amazing guy that I admire so much and can see myself with.

 

All the guys I met here these past months? J, Miami guy, Latin? They just don't compare to Z or T, imo. But maybe that's me looking at the good on paper again. They are all pretty good on paper though. BUT, there is something about Z and T that make them more special in my eyes.

[Batya33]

I hope you see the humor in your last post. These men are the puppets you pull the strings of to see what they can do for your quest for a husband - pull one string to help you get over one guy, another to test your sexual issues, another to help you re-connect with another guy. Here's how I knew I was ready for a lasting relationship - no need to comparison shop/test drive/do pros-cons/think about "good on paper" - done, finito. You're not going to get anywhere healthy with this method or with telling yourself stories about why you have sex with this guy, go on a date with an unavailable guy, or what makes someone "special".

 

Unless Z tells you he now wants to be in a serious relationship with you he doesn't. Any choices you make to be in contact with him, date him, hook up, whatever should be with this in mind with no qualifications, analysis or disclaimers.

 

T is very special to you unless you are flirting with Z, Latin guy, having sex with Miami guy or hooking up with your classmate. Interesting definition of "special". I think T is special to you when you realize that your rationalizations and stories are just that and then you hold on to some image of T as special. "Oh honey you were so special to me that I had to have intercourse with this really hot guy I met on vacation to see if I could resolve our sexual issues". As one example.

[justagirl2]

I think it's ENA, so of course you guys take things very seriously, but honestly, just because for 1 month I've been a bit all over the place, does it mean I don't find my ex-boyfriend special?

 

T is ALSO going on lots of dates and hooking up with people. We are both very young and single. We are normal 20-somethings, I don't see any harm in dating around a little bit. It does not mean that we are not serious about getting married one day.

 

Even when I'm flirting with all these other guys I still find T very special and he still means a lot to me.

 

I've been emotionally disconnecting from the relationship for almost 1 year and I only started dating around when we put a final end on the relationship last month.

 

But, I know that all this is very shallow and not very meaningful. I've been single before. I know how hard it is to find someone like T - someone that I genuinely wanted to be in a serious relationship with. I see the same potential only on Z of all these guys I've been talking/dating/flirting with.

 

I am also not stringing any of these guys along like puppies as you implied. They are all just having fun and enjoying life as well. Nobody is doing anything wrong here.

[Batya33]

I didn't mean you shouldn't date and sleep around if you want. You should and T should (and no I don't think you use your ages as an excuse - there are 20-somethings who choose to date casually and others who sleep around and others who settle down and get engaged - you'll see the same in your 30s - not really age-related at this point IMO).

 

Rather I was referring to your rationalizations as to why you are making these choices. To me finding a man "special" in the way you use the word means you want to be committed to that person so when you describe your actions and choices and then claim how "special" those men are to you it seems inconsistent.

 

I don't think you are stringing anyone along, but I do think that you do sometimes treat these men as your puppets (not puppies) and pull the strings to suit your own mood or whim at the time or to experiment sexually. I think that's fine in casual dating - you're not leading them on - just as you wrote not the most meaningful (but fun for you, I get it).

[justagirl2]

I'm on a craaaazy mode. Doing stupid things. I don't even feel like posting here because I'll be judged. I just am having my time to do whatever the heck I feel like doing and I'm not hurting anyone.

[justagirl2]

Ok, so now I think I'm officially a S*LUT .

 

I had sex with Latin tonight. It was so… random. He was completely done with me because I was a needy mess with him right around the break-up time but now we had some distance and he's… back to being into me. We hangout all night and ended up having sex. I don't feel bad. Judge away but I don't feel bad. It was actually really nice. SO NICE. Completely different than with the near stranger in Miami. TMI but Latin was actually pretty well endowed, much more than Miami guy so I freaked out imagining how much it was going to hurt me. But, we are close friends and I feel so much more at ease with him that it just didn't hurt at all. AT ALL. We did everything very slowly and I just didn't feel ANY pain. I was shocked. Of course it wasn't the best sex ever, since it was my first time with him I still have lots of worries but wow… I actually enjoyed it a tiny bit. And it didn't hurt at all.

 

I'm probably officially a S*LUT now, specially for ENA standards.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you had fun and enjoyed having sex with him.

[lady00]

Have a little faith in us. We're not here to judge. We're here to help. It sounds like you are having fun and not ready to settle down in a relationship. The most important thing is you are going into things consciously with eyes wide open. This does not sound self-destructive to me in any way but only you can know that. I think what we were trying to steer you away from was being in self destruct mode because you were not happy and where you placed the burden of decision making and taking care of yourself on other people. It sounds like you're in control of yourself and not doing things that are harmful to yourself simply because you were feeling needy.