Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

[justagirl2]

Yeah I mean I wasn't drunk, high or out of control. Things were protected. It's a little weird to be doing this but I don't feel bad about it.

 

It was also not really a one night stand, he kept saying that. We've been friends for a while. I legit don't see myself in a relationship with him though but I think he's well aware of that.

 

I'm not ready for a relationship now, that's for sure. It has been just a little over a month since I've ended things w/ T for sure. Maybe I'll be ready again in a few months, but not now.

[Batya33]

Yeah I mean I wasn't drunk, high or out of control. Things were protected. It's a little weird to be doing this but I don't feel bad about it.

 

It was also not really a one night stand, he kept saying that. We've been friends for a while. I legit don't see myself in a relationship with him though but I think he's well aware of that.

 

I'm not ready for a relationship now, that's for sure. It has been just a little over a month since I've ended things w/ T for sure. Maybe I'll be ready again in a few months, but not now.

 

I'd be careful about the ever-changing timing of your break-up - when you want to justify your involvement with Z, Latin Guy, etc you say that things were over with T almost a year ago but when it comes to your decision to have casual sex now it's only been a month. I liked how much more honest you were with yourself in your previous post about your decision to have casual sex. It sounds like, for now, you are more interested in short-term gratification/pleasure than long-term goals. For now -who knows what tomorrow will bring, right?

[justagirl2]

In my mind, the relationship was over for almost 1 year. In my mind though. I was not getting together with any guys. I was with T. But, in my mind, I was emotionally distant. Then we took a break in August, but it was a break, not a real break-up. Then in early november I took the flight home to talk to him end put a real end to things.

 

So I've definitely not been single for 1 year. Emotionally disconnected, yes. But the break-up started in August and the real end came in early November.

[Batya33]

In my mind, the relationship was over for almost 1 year. In my mind though. I was not getting together with any guys. I was with T. But, in my mind, I was emotionally distant. Then we took a break in August, but it was a break, not a real break-up. Then in early november I took the flight home to talk to him end put a real end to things.

 

So I've definitely not been single for 1 year. Emotionally disconnected, yes. But the break-up started in August and the real end came in early November.

 

Yes and I've noticed you extend or shorten the timing to justify behaviors - your break up was a long time ago when you want to justify your interactions with Z and a short time ago when you want to justify why you're not ready for a relationship. That's all I meant - I suggest that that's not the healthiest approach or mindset. By contrast it sounds like you take complete responsibility for your choice to sleep with Latin Guy - that's a healthy way to approach it.

[justagirl2]

Yo girlies. So quiet day today. Organizing myself to study for finals - should have started already. T reached out to me today. First time since break-up. Shocking. We've talked briefly once a week but every time I initiated. Today he initiated for me to go over his bschool applications. I know these essays are a selling point of why I'm perfect and should get into school X but gosh, made me realize AGAIN how amazing this kid is. Amazing kid. Amazing life story.

 

I'm going home next week for xmas break and will see T and Z. Now that I have more perspective, I realize that these are the 2 guys that genuinely matter to me and who I could see myself getting married to. None of the guys here - none of them come close to the feelings I have for Z and T.

 

I'm actually excited by this time home. T already warned be that he won't be able to hangout much at all because his apps are due Jan 5 so he will basically be homebound for this next 20 days working on that when he's off work. I wonder what the talk will be like. I am heavily assuming that we will probably keep the break-up until March when he hear about schools and knows where he'll be next year. By that time, I will have a better idea of my job situation too. BUT, it is safe to say that I will do everything to be in NY or at least in the US. So, if he gets in and is coming here we might as well be able to give it a shot again if that's what we feel like doing in a few months when we know if we'll be living in the same country. Even if I didn't have all the other doubts, I don't see a point in getting back together with him if we won't be in the same country again for 2 more years, you know? He has an amazing story and work experience but he's applying for round 2 and ONLY to Stanford and Harvard. I mean, I think he have very strong chances but those 2 schools are incredibly selective so nothing is a given. He might do Penn as well and he'll definitely get in to Wharton. HBS and Stanford? Long shot/luck for everyone… except Z who's a legacy and would get into HBS without needing to apply probably.

 

I'm in a very good place I feel like. A place with clarity. I know I cannot go back to T and get back together now because I need more time to see how I feel and where we'll be in the next 2 years but I feel like the break-up was done in a positive way. We talk, none of us invade the other space but we still talk and I feel like doors are open for both of us and we both need this time. I feel like he's also happy about this break so it's almost a perfect situation if we're meant to find each other again the future.

 

Then there is Z and the fact that I am single and can be with him when I'm home without really worrying about T. Not that I would flaunt our date in his face but I feel like I have this time to explore that too and spend time with him. He's been a lot more excited to hangout with me than T, which I understand. He just wrote me saying he can't wait to have me back in the Southern Hemisphere. It was really sweet of him. It was really nice that he already planned dates for us and everything. I think he actually really cares about me and we slowly build up a really special story. I see this casual and random sex with this other guys and Z and I are so the opposite of that. It's really something that was built on a solid friendship and it's special to me. If he tries to kiss me though I am going to talk to him again and be honest about my feelings. Look, I also do NOT want to be in a serious relationship with Z right now. BUT, I would like for us to try and date for a little bit now that he's coming back home. Not date but make solid plans to hangout. He moves back to NY before XMAS and I'll be in NY at least twice a month for recruiting starting in January. So all I want to tell him is that I don't really think we should start a relationship but that I would like us to make solid plans to hangout and see where that leads us. If Z is on board with that, then I am committed to stop all this casual dating and having sex to just see what things with Z will be like when we are living near each other.

 

I think that gives me a solid time until March when T will have his answers about school. If by March I feel like Z and I are going nowhere, I can talk to T and see what his feelings are and see what my feelings are. He might not want to get back and that's a risk I'm taking. If by then, I'm still into Z, or into somebody else, I'm of course not going to try to reconnect with T.

[justagirl2]

I'm such a paranoid freak that I just did something so stupid. I got confused that today was Saturday instead of Friday so when I took my birth control, I thought I had forgotten to take one yesterday, so I took the Friday and Saturday today. I freaked out thinking I had forgotten to take the pill right on the night I had sex so I went to CVS and got a Plan B, even though condoms were used I didn't want to risk anything. Anyways, just realized that I had taken the right pill on Friday and just injected my body with 2 regular pills and a Plan B - giving me a massive headache. So I guess tomorrow I don't take the Saturday pill since I took it today along with the Friday pill thinking today was Saturday and resume as normal on Sunday, right?

 

Paranoid doesn't even start to define me. But, I'd rather be safe than sorry I guess.

[justagirl2]

Oh and J is completely ignoring me. I don't blame him I got a little drunk tonight and sent him like 50 texts being silly. I know that means I don't really care that much about him because when it's with Z or T, no matter how drunk I am or no matter if I take a sleeping pill, I always control myself. When I really care I never go crazy sending 50+ text messages. Still, it hurts the ego to be ignored. I know it's reversible though, look what happened to Latin. He's all adorable wanting to spend more time with me now that I stopped being crazy with him. Transferred the crazy to J, who probably thinks I'm insane. I don't know why I do this though, it's really silly. Neediness probably.

[Batya33]

I probably would have made the same mistake with birth control if I were in your situation. Maybe call your doctor to make sure you shouldn't be seen?

 

I think it's incredibly unfair to T treat him as second choice to Z and I mean that even if you never say a word to T about your plan to pursue Z - he will know, he will sense it in some way that won't feel good for him at all (or he might find out that you were dating Z and figure it out -he's an intelligent guy). I got back together with my husband - I was the initial "dumper" because I was panicking and it didn't feel right. I would never have gotten back together with him with the mindset of "oh my dream guy (either real or imagined) didn't want me or wasn't available so I'll go to plan B- he's great on paper and I care for him and well it's time to settle down already". Luckily my husband would never have taken me back if he even sensed a whiff of that.

I got back together with him because we met up for a casual dinner after having seen each other only once in almost 8 years and during that 3 hour dinner that should have been 1 I realized there was magic, sparks, intensity -something I never imagined would happen between us. That was the initial trigger but over the next month I realized that we had that plus something much deeper and sustaining. And we were going to be long distance so I knew and he knew we'd better be pretty sure that we wanted to give things a second chance and go for marriage and family.

I'm not saying my mindset and the way I felt is the only way to feel when choosing a mate but I think I can say with far more certainty that your mindset has nothing to do with what builds a long term healthy happy relationship. At least find something more in the middle of our two extremes (and to me they are opposite ends of the spectrum).

 

Forgive me for going on about my story - our wedding anniversary is right around now so our how we met -twice- story is forefront in my mind.

 

When you're ready again for a serious relationship -find your first choice and it should feel like your only choice (in a positive way!) even though rationally we all know that there's not just "one" person for everyone. You will never ever be satisfied with someone knowing he was your second choice.

[justagirl2]

Batya - I LOVE hearing about your story, feel free to always talk about it. You are what I wish to become one day… And it seems like I was a little similar to what you were like when you weren't ready to settle?

 

To answer your post, I honestly don't think this is about the first person or the second person. This is about who is going to be living near me next month and who isn't. Z is moving back and we are going to have a lot of chances to spend time together and to gauge his level of interest. We've been talking about trips, he wants to come visit me in Chicago, he wants to take me to Grand Canyon and he already planned for us to go visit my little sister in Miami. I mean, I used to be a hopeless romantic but now my feet are much more planted on the ground. Honestly, Zach is not ready for a relationship. He is so removed from being emotionally ready that I highly doubt things will evolve when he moves back. And, if things evolve, we don't even know if Zach and I would work as a couple, in a day to day of a relationship. I'm just saying that it's not about Zach being the number 1 and T being the number 2. I don't what Zach will be, I don't know if he will be.

 

T is going to be in Brazil at least until the Fall of 2014, when he starts business school. In March, he should find out. He is only applying to Harvard and Stanford so odds aren't great, not even for rockstars. Specially not in round 2. So, T might as well NOT move to the US at all. We need some sort of certainty to plan if we want to get back together. I don't think planning it BEFORE he gets his admissions answers is a good idea. Once he gets accepted and knows where he'll be next year, then I think it's a good time to meet for dinner, see if the sparks are there, if we want to try it again. You know? Unrelated to Z. Unrelated. Because by then I will already be able to gauge my real feelings for Z - are we going to workout, am I not that into him, is he not that into me…

 

This isn't really about a first or second pick. I don't know what Zach will be in a relationship so I cannot compare him to T.

 

I feel like since I'm single and Zach is single, we should give this a shot. He's been adorable. It really seems like he misses me a lot. He planned dinner for Friday, then Saturday we are driving to the beach so he can surf. He will miss the surfing so we are going to do that. I'm happy he's including me in his last weekend in the country and he seems genuinely happy that I'll be around to spend this time with him.

 

Then, in the blink of an eye he'll be back in NY, I'll be back in Chicago and visiting NY very often due to recruiting. When Zach is back in NY in the beginning of January we will be able to have a much better idea of where he stands. Does he really keeps his plans? Does he really come visit me?

 

My conversation with him this weekend will be very… straightforward and I want to see what you girls think. We are going to dinner on Friday, as always he picks a nice fancy restaurant, pays, is all sweet. When the bill comes I'm going to say that this is not a date and that I'm paying this time. So when we normally drive back home he tries to kiss me and I am going to slow him down and say: "Look Z, you were clear about your intentions of not wanting a relationship with me. Therefore I don't think we should kiss or make out or take this out of the friend zone because it doesn't make any sense to what you told me your intentions were. We weren't able to get to my intentions, but my intentions are also not to get into a very serious relationship right now. As you know, I recently ended a long-term relationship and need a little time for everything. But, I do like spending time with you and what would be ideal to me is that we continue to make plans to hangout and spend time together when we can and eventually see if this can become something or not. You know? So we basically share the same "don't want a serious relationship right now" but where we might differ is that for me it's not a no relationship or nothing. I would like to take things easy and see how it goes. Making plans to hangout, do fun things. If you also think that spending time together when we can in a drama free environment, enjoying each other's company, and then down the line we can see where this is heading. If that is the case, then I think it's totally fine for us to kiss and make-out and have fun together. But, if you don't see us in a romantic relationship today or in a few months or years either, then I don't see the point of you trying to kiss me and think we should resume our interactions as friends.

 

Does this seem good?

[Batya33]

If you are into Z enough that you would be interested in a potentially serious relationship with hikm then you have your answer about T - that means that T is not right for you. Will he be right for you in the future? Perhaps but if you now know that if Z was all into you and wanted to be with you you would say yes even though there is potential with T in the future then you have your answer. If you said that T can't be with you now and therefore you will date around then sure I would understand that - I see a difference between that scenario and your pursuit of Z.

 

i think that what you plan to say to Z is far too wordy. I would keep it as "I am not comfortable kissing you because we're not dating. If you are ever interested in dating me to see if we should get serious, let me know and if I'm still single and interested we can talk about it, ok?" If you do the whole wordy and complicated thing you're just going to complicate things -and besides that he's not worthy of it and will feel that you must be completely head over heels to have given it that much thought.

[justagirl2]

I understand Batya. It's a tough situation.

 

I mean, it's annoying because I wish I was 21 and could just be single without this whole anxiety of not wanting to be single and feeling like the biological clock is staring at me in the face and screaming: tic, toc, tic, toc…

 

I know I am still young but time is going to pass very quickly and if my goal is to get married and have 4 kids I cannot waste any time. Specially considering I don't have the personality to just settle so I can't just "chill" for a few years and at 30 just settle for any guy that shows up in my life.

 

For that reason, I know that I CANNOT waste my time pining over Zach. For what? So 3 years go by and I'm sitting here waiting for him to decide if he's ready or not to commit? I think even though I'm still pretty much a romantic, I'm starting to get a little "smarter" about unavailable man. I actually think this month where I hooked up with so many guys was a very conscious effort to STOP pining over Zach and move on. Or at least try to move on.

 

And honestly, I had been doing a pretty good job until well, there are plans to spend time together again. Now that I know I'll see him in 5 days I just can't help but be into him again and be all stupid and hopeful.

 

The problem is it has felt really empty with these other guys. Deep down, they never compared to T or Z for me. Never. I was trying to be less focused on "paper" and let things evolve naturally but deep in my mind I compared them to T and thought it wasn't really worth it,

 

Z is the one person that compares to T for me. He compares to T + the hope that he might fulfill me in a way that T didn't.

 

Z represents the potential answers of my angst. Maybe I will actually feel really emotionally connected to someone that I really admire in a way I admire T. Maybe with Z I'll be so happy that I won't wonder if breaking-up with T was the biggest mistake of my life.

 

It's hard to try to explain. I don't even know if you guys understand me at all or just think I'm completely lame.

 

I also feel like so much has been invested in this. SO.MUCH. So much of the walls I know I've broken with him. We have something that was built-up over years of friendship. I never actually had that, ever. I've never been romantic with a guy who was genuinely my friend before we kissed for the first time. I feel like we already know so much of each other - we know each other's fears, family, friends. It's really comfortable yet at the same time there is so much more to be explored too. And our goals and the way we live our life, so many similarities.

 

It's just really tough to give up on all this now. Specially with him moving back here in the end of the month. How can I give up now?

 

The thing is, it's such a dangerous zone that we are entering. What if I get addicted to the fact that we are getting closer and closer and closer - but it never gets to a relationship so I just lose all this time with this. You know? What is going to happen now? I'll spend this weekend with him, then in January, what is it going to be like? Is he going to keep the comfortable distance, hanging out once every month? Are things going to improve? I mean its SO uncertain. I don't think he knows what he wants either and it feels like patience is the only way to get anywhere with him. Slowly. But I know that this slowly can get me NOWHERE too. What then? I waste my time chasing someone who might or may not be a great boyfriend? What if I finally get him to commit after months or years and he ends up being a terrible partner. It's just so uncertain. I feel like this will require so much of my time, effort, patience without any certainty. Yes, he may end up warming up to me more and more and we might end up getting married in a few years. There's always that probability. But what if he never comes around. What if he's just not that into me and never will be. What if it will take him years to be ready and I don't want to wait years. What if he meets someone else that makes him feel ready next month?

 

That's when I go back to T and to what we had and what we could still build. A much more solid path. Much more realistic. I KNOW what T is like as a partner. I KNOW what a relationship with him is like.

 

Then there's option C: just live, well, I feel like that's what I've been trying to do. It's not easy though. I compare all of them to Z and T and for a moment I get excited but then I realize I'm still not over them and the idea of what they both represent to me.

[lady00]

The more you write about them, the more T sounds like a backup plan. I think what you need to do is explore the thing with Z and if that doesn't work out, be on your own. I think it's a huge mistake to try things with Z who intrigues and interests you way more than T (based on what you have written here) and then settle for T if that doesn't work out. The guy for you may be neither Z nor T but you owe it to yourself to try things out with Z. To me, the ideal relationship is one in which there is sexual attraction, friendship, and no feelings of uncertainty about how the other person feels. I suspect there is a guy out there who will be that guy for you. I'm not at all convinced it's Z but I think you need to try that out and pursue that in order to put it to rest.

[justagirl2]

I think the reason Z intrigues me more is because I haven't dated him. It's an unfair comparison. The reason I'm more positive about Z than T right now is because Z and I will be living in the same place in 1 month whereas T will be in another continent. I feel like it will be very hard for T and I to rebuild our relationship when we aren't going to be physically in the same place for at least the next 9 months.

 

I understand why it might seem like T is a second option, but I don't think it's only that. I feel like if we give it a second shot, we both have to give our all and being in two different continents living very busy lives is just not a good way to do it.

 

It almost feel like it was faith that Z is moving back so quickly. It wasn't in the cards and it feels silly not to see what next quarter will be like with us so close. But if T tells me he really wants to try again even with the distance I'm going to be very conflicted. I'm not sure he will though he's going to be so busy until March that I don't see how it will be viable for him to work on the relationship with me while being continents apart.

 

It'k makes more sense to so when he knows he's coming to grad school here and can quit his job until school starts and we can try things again. IF we are both single by then.

[justagirl2]

Z brought up the fate thing today. He's moving out soon from the building I still have an apt and he said "I still can't believe I moved into your building. Luck of the draw."

 

 

We had lost contact for almost 4 years and he moved to the city I lived /

- of 20 million people. Moved in right next door. So random.

[Batya33]

Nothing to do with fate -don't go there because it will give you another excuse to pine away for Z. I agree with Lady00 about T and Z (although I hope you don't have to pursue Z just to feel you get closure -waste of time in my opinion) and if this is a "tough situation" it's because you created it that way. It's up to you to de-clutter and de-dramatize your life and make different choices especially since when you create these situations you tend to ignore that you created it and indulge in the self-pity.

[justagirl2]

Yeah. Fate is a stupid way to look at it. I will probably see how this weekend goes and if he starts with the "I'm messed up, move on with your life, bla bla bla" I'm not waiting around and pining. Fresh start in 2014.

 

I'm going to meet up with T on Sunday or Monday he has exams during the weekend. I get to see Z first this time which again puts T as second option. He's not though. It's not about first and second option. I'm pretty sure T will not want to get back together so I won't be tempted to get back because if it seems like I'm treating him as second option it's not fair. I have to get back together with him only when/if he's the first option.

[Batya33]

What's your purpose in seeing T? Even if he asked to see you my strong suggestion is that you not see him at least for the next several months -move on - you have plenty of friends and acquaintances as does he.

[justagirl2]

We discussed hanging out since I came back in November. To exchange christmas gifts and what not. It's not going to be heavy drama at all. He's very busy with applications so it will be during the week and I leave to my hometown shortly after. We just talked about meeting up for a while it would seem weird to just cancel. It might not be the best thing to do but it feels cold to just tell him I don't want to see him. I also feel like last time I was in such an anxious funk to end things that we barely had a good conversation. Like I said, I'm pretty good at predicting T and I'm pretty sure things will remain the same until we have more certainty about next year.

 

Sometimes I see some of my friends and get very hopeful for a said 3rd person, by the way. It's funny but I remember one of my good friends being so heartbroken just a few months ago and now she seems to be so happy and in love in a completely new relationship. I mean, it evolved so quickly and it just seems like she's a lot happier, you know? It's like things can turn in a dime. Same as my best friend from school who was pining over an unavailable guy just before Halloween and now seems to have found someone very special. The thing that keeps me LESS hopeful again is that these girls were the dumpees and they also dated such "blah" guys before that it can't be hard to step up from that and be content with the next better thing.

 

I know you guys act like the perfect on paper, the being so polite and such a good person, hard working, sweet, caring, good family… doesn't matter if my feelings weren't 100% there with T. But in all honesty, it does matter a lot. It's harder for me to move on like they seem to do because it has to be something or someone…really special too. I know you guys think no it can be just whoever you connect with but it's not like that. I mean, it's stupid to compare people to cars but my dad always used to tell me how stupid he thought his wealthy friends who gave their kids ferraris at 18 were. What will they strive for when they turn 50, he would wonder. He would always be so happy switching cars every 4 years, slowly, and no ferrari yet at 56. haha. Anyways, I feel like my two long-term boyfriends were ferraris and it's just… hard to find something else that will match that for me. I know this seems stupid and you guys don't get me, but it's hard.

 

Back to the finals grind. It has been insane 2 days when I decided to legit study everything I didn't for the past quarter.

[lady00]

Good luck with finals! I get what you are saying about wanting someone with particular qualities. It's fine to look for those things. Don't we all want those things? Who wouldn't want someone who is a good person, polite, caring, good family, hardworking. I connect with people who I have things in common with which generally means well-educated, strong family connections etc.

[Batya33]

"I know you guys think no it can be just whoever you connect with but it's not like that."

 

I would never think that. I do think you need more of a balance though -don't dismiss the opinion of "well perhaps a little less focus on perfect on paper" with the opposite extreme. In fact I think most people have written to you that pursuing someone unavailable just because you connect with the person is a very bad idea.

What I do think you have to learn and accept is that it's not about "stepping up" from a "blah" guy -perhaps that guy was "blah" to you but if your friend had a wonderful relationship with the person it can be even harder to find another partner - you were with a wonderful person but your relationship was "blah" - think about it. Don't assume your friends are settling just because in your opinion the past boyfriend didn't have the on paper qualities you would want. And don't assume they're playing the same comparison game you are. Perhaps for your friends it's a "step up" -if they even think about it that way - because of the emotional and romantic connection.

 

Yes, things can turn on a dime and that is why pursuing unavailable men means you're foregoing other potential opportunities every single day. I ended something with an unavailable guy 6 weeks before I reconnected with my husband. I think unavailable guy would have ended it at some point but probably not as early as I did and because there was a fairly strong pull there I'm not sure that I would have been open to pursuing the sparks I felt with my husband had it still been going on.

[justagirl2]

Good luck with finals! I get what you are saying about wanting someone with particular qualities. It's fine to look for those things. Don't we all want those things? Who wouldn't want someone who is a good person, polite, caring, good family, hardworking. I connect with people who I have things in common with which generally means well-educated, strong family connections etc.

 

That's kind of exactly it. I connect with people with similar values to me. I do know I am a little too extreme. Almost to an unrealistic degree.

[justagirl2]

Batya - I understand. It's hard to put things in context, but the guys I'm talking about actually are pretty blah and I think you'd agree. But it's to me and to you. Not to my friends. We all have different standards and I have to be less judgmental.

 

Finals weren't awful, weren't great. Was good to cram a little and learn a lot. I actually enjoy studying even though I'm so lazy to do it. I need the adrenaline rush to be able to focus. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD because it's very hard for me to focus sometimes. But then when focusing is the only option - I'm really good at it. Which means it's probably just anxiety making me not focus and not ADD.

 

I'm doing really well this week about everything. I don't know if time is just making me more accepting of the break-up, being single… or if it's the impeding Z date in a few days… I just feel content.

 

It's funny because my dream is to get married and have 3-4 kids. It really is my ultimate dream. But, as a person, I actually really love being on my own. If society and instagram and Facebook weren't throwing couples, marriages and babies in my face I think I'd actually be in a really happy place right now. The pressure just makes me not enjoy this moment of solitude that I know I need. I am happier for sure than when I was pushing the relationship with T. Maybe not happier in an overall sense but I'm just being more real to myself which makes me feel… more content.

 

I'm not looking forward to seeing my family and getting asked a million of questions about T. Or seeing all of my high school friends who are 98% married or engaged. I mean, of course I'm SO happy about seeing them. But, ugh… there's going to be some discomfort there too. Well, to be fair, last year I was in a relationship that I didn't want to be in and there was some discomfort there too.

 

It's interesting that one of my friends who I've been avoiding the most since I've been unhappy in love is one of my very close friends that is SO in love with a guy that is exactly my type. Every time I look at photos of them on instagram I can just see the happiness and the joy and it just gets me down. I don't want to be the girl who gets sad over seeing my friends so happy.

 

It seems like my issues right now are strongly related to what society, my family, my friends will think of the fact that I'm single at 26. Also the fact that T is so great and I can't understand why I just couldn't be happy. Those are the 2 big issues.

 

Otherwise, I'm in a really good place.

[justagirl2]

I also have a question about when you girls talk about unavailable man.

 

I dealt with a VERY unavailable guy before - J. Batya followed that journey. Sophie and Annie actually MET him in person. Haha. It was a 2 years saga and of course it ended up… not working out at all. Today I ask myself what I was thinking and why was I so into this guy.

 

Anyways, the fact is J is so different than Z. Do unavailable guys have similar characteristics? For example, J dated around SO much, would two time girls, but could never last with anyone for long. He had no problems getting intimate with any girl. He was also SO unreliable. He would flake all the time. He never took me to a nice date. I mean, I don't even know what we did together, basically hangout with mutual friends, go to his place and occasional meet ups. He never, ever made plans in advance.

 

Z is the exact and total opposite. He does not date around at all. The one girlfriend he had lasted a few years. He is one of the most reliable guys ever. He has never ONCE flaked on me. Not as friends, not after our first kiss. Today is tuesday and we had plans to hangout on the weekend but nothing firm so he was so sweet asking if it was ok if we did something on saturday instead of friday because he will be tired on friday after a long week of work. I mean, this is Tuesday and he's confirming plans. It just seems like a completely different type of unavailable? He doesn't play hot and cold. His behavior is very predictable. I mean, is he really unavailable? He seems to be trying. Either that or he's the nicest guy in the world and hangs out with me just because I'm nice to him too. I don't really understand. This is his last weekend in my country before he moves back and he's hanging out with me on Saturday night. Is it because I'm the only nice person to him? He's not into me at all you guys think?

 

I get ZERO gay vibes from him but sometimes I wonder if that's why he's so controlled about sex and about dating girls? I mean, could that be a possibility? He's a really attractive guy who has everything going for him… Why no attachments for such a long time? But then again when we kiss he seems super into it. Confused.

[justagirl2]

I do NOT understand the dating game at all. It's hilarious to me.

 

So Miami guy - I had sex with him in the second night I met him. I was completely not me and edgy and well, I would not be into me if I had acted the way I did with him. At least with Latin I've had a friendship for months and months.

 

I legit never thought I'd see the guy again. He's from NY. Today he just texts me: "Guess what?". My first thought since I'm a neurotic is he's going to tell me he has some STD. Then he's like: "I'm coming to Chicago tomorrow". Last time we talked in Mia he said no plans to come. It's for work but still… kind of sweet that he wants to hangout.

 

NO SEX though. I'm done with the casual sex phase. I can grab drinks with him at the most.

[lady00]

Unavailable does not necessarily mean flaky and unreliable. It just literally means unavailable for the type of relationship that you want.