Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

[justagirl2]

REALLY bad night. Honestly, my biggest problem now is that I just can't stay alone without texting guys. What is wrong with me? When did I become this girl? I can keep my dignity with Z and T, I guess it's kind of obvious that it's because I genuinely care about them and don't want to sabotage things. But with the other 2 guys? Latin and the No Classmates? I've been a mess.

 

It would be comical if it wasn't so tragic but I've legit been rejected by 4 guys in some capacity on the past month. T, Z, Latin, New Guy - all in one way or another rejected me.

 

Honestly, I've been acting BAT crazy with New Guy. He teases me a lot, but I think I sent him 20 texts tonight, no joke. I've been better with Latin because I replaced the craziness to New Guy. I mean, I would not be surprised if he asked for a restraining order against me. This is a dramatic exaggeration but really, it was VERY bad. He lives in my floor and at least my craziness is confined to texts and not calling him or knocking on his door but I don't even think that is a motive to feel less INSANE. I honestly behaved like an OUT OF CONTROL crazy person. The texts were harmless, but still 20 texts to a guy I met last Friday? BAT crazy.

 

I've noticed another pattern in my life which is the complete different person I am IN a relationship and OUT of a relationship. I've had 2 long-term relationships that lasted 2+ years and on both relationships I've been the most stable girlfriend in the world. My two boyfriends actually complained about how independent I was and not clingy enough. I am not exaggerating when I say that in my 3.5 years with G and 2 years with T I NEVER once sent either of them 20 text messages. I NEVER once threw a jealous fit. I NEVER once acted unstable. With G I think I legit had 2 fights throughout the whole relationship that didn't last longer than 1 hour. With T I had one fight in 2 years. Which did not involve anything other than a heated discussion. I really am VERY secure in committed relationships. I am so normal and stable. I've legit never raised my voice to T or G. Neither have them raised their voices to me. It's just so calm and nice - if I didn't get bored when the clock hits 1.5 years.

 

Then when I am single I become this insecure mess. This is really weird. I mean, the normal would be for me to be a possessive, jealous, crazy girlfriend or a normal, composed single girl. Instead I am 100% calm and collected when in a relationship and 110% crazy when single.

 

I exaggerate a little what being crazy is because all I mean by that is sending a bunch of harmless texts but I still feel so weird about how much I change when I'm single vs. when I'm in a relationship. It's insane. When I have a boyfriend I'm almost aloof and totally secure to the point of annoying my boyfriends. I've legit never been dumped by a guy I dated for a long time. Then, when I'm single I'm just completely needy and emotional. It really is a weird scenario. Something to talk about with my therapist on our session tomorrow.

[justagirl2]

This was the email my first ex sent me a few months after our break-up. Just to show that I'm not making up the fact my long-term relationships have been generally very stable:

 

 

 

It's interesting to read this letter he sent me because it makes me realize how different my relationship with G was to my relationship with T. T would NEVER had written something like that to me. G and I used to always write love letters and do special things to celebrate our relationship. But then again, it might have been because it was first love, puppy love for both of us. We were each other's first bf/gf and started dating when we were 18. With T… it's like we both never gave ourselves completely to the relationship. My therapist mentions it as both of us never quite putting "both feet" in the "water" It's like we put our toes, one foot maybe… but NEVER both feet. It might be because when we started dating we both already knew I was moving to another country which made both of us just… be reluctant. Or it might be because we just… never had that deep of a connection. Who knows. It's good to remember my relationship with G and compare to what I had with T and realize that the level of intimacy/connection was just… very different.

[justagirl2]

Well, the new guy ended up coming over and spending the whole night with me despite the fact that I acted crazy. He said he really likes me but we just cuddled, chatted and watched movies because he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to make out / have sex. Ok then. I mean, like I said, the longer it takes us to have sex I know it's for the best. I like this guy a lot and I can't believe he likes me even after me texting him so much.

[Batya33]

Well, the new guy ended up coming over and spending the whole night with me despite the fact that I acted crazy. He said he really likes me but we just cuddled, chatted and watched movies because he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to make out / have sex. Ok then. I mean, like I said, the longer it takes us to have sex I know it's for the best. I like this guy a lot and I can't believe he likes me even after me texting him so much.

 

I'm glad you had fun hanging out with him. I'd take things slowly meaning internally -he is interested enough to hang out with you all night. Assume that unless you have time and place plans to hang out again that is the last time you are hanging out -keep things realistic. Not negative - just realistic.

[justagirl2]

I doubt things are getting serious or if I'm even seeing him again like you said. And honestly, I have to start believing when people say things like "I don't want to date classmates", "I'm not ready for a relationship". I feel kind of stupid still about the texts I sent him he must still think I am insane.

[justagirl2]

I feel a lot less rejected though. It's like after that post, Latin and New Guy came around. I guess I tend to exagerate things with my anxiety and I'm not acting as crazy as I think with them. Surely a little too out there, but not "they are getting a restraining order" type! Gross exageration and adding drama to a situation that isn't as dramatic. Two things I need to start avoiding. That and texting so much!!!

[lady00]

I'm not big into texting but I once dated a guy who was. It was extremely annoying because he always wanted to have serious discussions over text (not saying that's what you are doing). We were off and on and he dumped me once via email and another time via text. Anyway, I hate texting. I text with my current guy but nothing heavy or serious and I often stop myself from sending a text or sending an IM because I feel like I need to watch myself and curb that. Often times, I'll start writing a text or IM and I'll just wind up deleting it before sending it because I don't want to get into a texting habit with him. Our communication in person is awesome so I'm happy to focus on just talking when we're together and using texts to do things like setting up logistics of meeting up.

[Batya33]

To me being in a serious relationship or potentially serious is about being giving. I don't think the right standard is "well if they didn't find my constant texting crazy or a turn-off then it's ok. Rather I'd have the mindset of "is sending this text something this person would enjoy reading or would enhance his day?" That way you filter out the texts you are sending based on your need to share/overshare.

[lady00]

To me being in a serious relationship or potentially serious is about being giving. I don't think the right standard is "well if they didn't find my constant texting crazy or a turn-off then it's ok. Rather I'd have the mindset of "is sending this text something this person would enjoy reading or would enhance his day?" That way you filter out the texts you are sending based on your need to share/overshare.

 

This, so much this!

[justagirl2]

I don't think the texting is the issue.

 

I think a huge issue is that I give the "daddy's girl, marriage, too much of a little princess" vibe. I do not want a relationship right now, I want to hangout w/ these guys and figure it out. BUT, I feel like they get scared of hurting me. I want to be in a serious committed relationship but I cannot jump into one right now. I need to hangout with people without the pressure just to figure it out. I just think my presence, the way I carry myself gives the impression I'm a prude, not interested in just a casual thing.

 

So for example, something that could naturally evolve, just get abruptly interrupted because the guy gets scared of hurting me. I don't know what I can do to change this.

[justagirl2]

Honestly I have heard from 3 different guys:

 

Z: "Let's not go farther than kissing, I feel like with you it would be really serious and I'm not ready for that".

 

Latin: "I like you a lot but we are friends and I will have to see you everyday for the next 6 months and I don't want things to get complicated. I know you can't just have a one night stand and I can't just have a one night stand with you".

 

New Guy: "This is a bad idea. Trust me. There are only downsides to this you will think me in the future."

 

Is this normal to get turned down by 3 guys in a time span of a month? They all just want to kiss and cuddle it's like I'm the man and they are girls. It's just very weird.

[Batya33]

Honestly I have heard from 3 different guys:

 

Z: "Let's not go farther than kissing, I feel like with you it would be really serious and I'm not ready for that".

 

Latin: "I like you a lot but we are friends and I will have to see you everyday for the next 6 months and I don't want things to get complicated. I know you can't just have a one night stand and I can't just have a one night stand with you".

 

New Guy: "This is a bad idea. Trust me. There are only downsides to this you will think me in the future."

 

Is this normal to get turned down by 3 guys in a time span of a month? They all just want to kiss and cuddle it's like I'm the man and they are girls. It's just very weird.

 

It is unusual to be hanging out/hooking up with 3 guys in one month right after ending a relationship so it's difficult to evaluate the statistics based on that. Also you're going for guys who are not available.

[justagirl2]

Batya - Unreal for ENA. I'm in an environment where ALL of my girl friends are hooking up with 3 guys in a month at least. We have to keep perspective. I've been emotionally checked out of my relationship at least since June - remember we were on a break and just made it final 1 month ago.

[lady00]

It just sounds like they're not interested in a relationship and don't want to sleep with someone unless they know for sure that person also really wants to sleep with them and that doing so would not create potential for weirdness and discomfort for both people involved OR they don't want to sleep with someone while they're not looking for a relationship. Sounds like normal good adult judgment.

[justagirl2]

I know it sounds like really good adult judgement but I don't see it happening with anybody else but me so I'm wondering if it's something I'm giving off or just a coincidence to have crossed paths with 3 guys who cares about more than just sex.

 

At this point I would like to have a casual dating thing where I can just see where things go.

[justagirl2]

I'm feeling so over Z these past days though. It's very weird but I've really been kind of over him. T I still think very fondly about and wonder about my choice but Z I'm kind of over it.

[Batya33]

Batya - Unreal for ENA. I'm in an environment where ALL of my girl friends are hooking up with 3 guys in a month at least. We have to keep perspective. I've been emotionally checked out of my relationship at least since June - remember we were on a break and just made it final 1 month ago.

 

Right and a few days ago you thought you wanted him back and last week Z was the one for you. Doesn't matter in the least what all your girlfriends are doing.

[lady00]

I know it sounds like really good adult judgement but I don't see it happening with anybody else but me so I'm wondering if it's something I'm giving off or just a coincidence to have crossed paths with 3 guys who cares about more than just sex.

 

At this point I would like to have a casual dating thing where I can just see where things go.

 

What does casual dating mean to you? Hanging out with someone where there is potential for a relationship down the line but you spend time together without being intimate and without the relationship in mind as a necessary end goal? That's what I imagine casual dating to mean but just wanted to know if it's the same for you.

[Batya33]

From what I always understood casual dating is either dating casually with no particular goal -just doing fun activities together, flirting, maybe hooking up maybe not - or it's dating without a commitment at first with the goal that if the couple gets along and develops stronger feelings it could lead to something serious.

[lady00]

I know it sounds like really good adult judgement but I don't see it happening with anybody else but me so I'm wondering if it's something I'm giving off or just a coincidence to have crossed paths with 3 guys who cares about more than just sex.

 

At this point I would like to have a casual dating thing where I can just see where things go.

 

It's not clear to me what the problem is here. You met three guys who didn't want to sleep with you but you're not interested in sleeping with them either. Is there a problem? Maybe you just need to continue meeting guys who you can casually date and are open to maybe possibly having a relationship sometime down the line (i.e. are available). If so, there isn't really a problem, you just haven't met those guys yet.

[justagirl2]

Ok, first of all, I still think about getting back together with T every single day. Rationally, it is the best decision I could make. It is the easiest road, it will lead me to a type of security that I can envision and that I really want to be ready for. BUT, in my heart, I know I need this time. In my heart I know that no matter how hard it is to be single, to let such a special guy go, to put myself out there for the tribulations of dating, it is my only option right now. My last best friend from my high school "group" got engaged last night and it would be 100x easier for me to go home in the holidays and take T and feel like I'm following the same road as my friends than to have to explain to them that I'm single. Rationally, I do not want to be single. I want to be ready to settle. I want to be ready to be with T. But I am NOT. I am NOT.

 

I feel sad, confused and lonely but I feel like I'm being REAL and HONEST with myself. I am living and I am living MY life according to my heart and my own path. It seems like a really stupid mistake rationally, but I feel in peace with myself. I feel in peace with being confused and alone because I am confused and needing to be alone right now. For long months I had the amazing boyfriend and rationally everything was perfect but internally I was living a lie. Every day was a lie. Every day I was pretending. Every night I had sex with T I was pretending to enjoy it. It was a lie. I was not being honest with myself or with him. I was just floating through the relationship because rationally it seemed like the perfect situation.

 

It probably is my fault. I'm probably immature, confused, lost. It doesn't matter if it's my fault, if it's an internal problem with me and not with the relationship or with compatibility. But even if the problem is me, it is the reality and I have to be honest with the way I feel. I cannot force something that was not working and making me pretend so much.

 

At least now I'm not pretending. I am living. It might have been the worse decision of my life and I may never find love or a guy like T again but I am being honest with myself. I feel… genuine. Or maybe in a few months I will be ready for T and he will give me a shot. Who knows. All I know is that for me to find any type of happiness, be it with T or with someone else I needed this time for myself. I really did. I could not keep pretending. It is not who I am. I am a genuine person, I have my own personality and my own values and I cannot live pretending. Maybe that makes me let amazing opportunities go but I cannot change the way I fundamentally feel. I do not want to get married at 27 and be cheating or unhappy with my husband by 30. I do not want to be in a relationship where I have to force myself to enjoy the person's company everyday and where being intimate is so hard.

[justagirl2]

As for casually dating I definitely mean just hanging out with someone, having sex and seeing where it goes. I don't think you guys understand how awful my sex life has been for the past 2 years to a point where I hate sex. I need to get out there again and just… see how it feels again. I don't want to go into another situation where I go into a relationship because the person is perfect on paper but there is no chemistry or intimacy or connection. Sex is not high in my list of priorities but it is the basis of a man/woman relationship. I never thought I would say this, but it is. What is different between a friend and a boyfriend? It is that connection, and that hint of intimacy that comes with sex. I always thought it didn't matter at all but it was a huge issue for me because trust me, it taints everything when it's bad. It gave me anxiety of seeing T because I knew I had to have sex with him so then I didn't want to travel with him and then I didn't want to be alone with him.

 

So I want to casually date and have sex and hangout and make out and experience. This is the thing. I want that. It might be stupid and completely wrong but I do not want to go into a situation where I pine over a guy (Z) for 2 years because he is perfect on paper and then we have sex and I feel like I don't see myself waking up to this person every morning.

 

I've been giving TOO much emphasis to the paper aspect of guys and relationships and not too much emphasis to that connection or spark and I want to find a middle ground. It is my goal. Find a middle ground. It doesn't mean dating a guy who works at McDonalds but also it doesn't need to be the Harvard, WASPY Prince either. If I could find a middle ground, it would be a huge step towards my maturity and self fulfillment.

[Batya33]

It depends how you view sex. For me I could tell whether there was good (great) chemistry and intimacy without having sex - sex just enhanced or was a different way of expressing the passion and chemistry. I never tried casual sex because I knew that I wouldn't enjoy it even if I was really attracted to the person. I think your issue is exactly as you put it -pining over someone because he's perfect on paper. That really makes no sense. The perfect on paper is important too but shouldn't be the foundation of your pining so to speak. So, you meet someone, you feel a connection or potential connection and then you might decide that since he doesn't want kids, or didn't go to college, or is unemployed, that he's not for you so you don't pursue it. Sometimes you have to explore those two things simultaneously so it's a balance not to get too attached to someone who is not right for you.

 

If you think having sex with people you're casually dating will make up for the bad sex you had with T then you should do that. Since it's the norm among your classmates my concern also would be that there's little regard for things like STD or pregnancy - it would be a shame if you got in that situation in part because then you might not have as much to offer the perfect on paper. And I don't mean that to be harsh.

[justagirl2]

You are right, I don't think I need to have casual sex w/ tons of people but if im seeing someone I really like I don't see a problem. With Latin, it probably would have been a recipe for disaster because I never felt like we were quite compatible. We talked a lot about life and had things in common but I never really saw him as someone I could seriously date.

 

With this new guy though, things are different. There was a spark, as you would put it in the first time we hungout. I really liked his personality, and looks too, before looking at his resume or so to speak. He went to a small college in the east coast and worked for a hedge fund in Boston. I mean, he's in my business school so of course he's accomplished, but he definitely doesn't have the 'pedigree' like Z and T do. He makes me laugh though. He is funny and easy going and when I'm with him it's as if we've been hanging out for years.

 

I guess he is somewhat unavailable but I think it's more of a stubborness as opposed to Zach's total lack of ability to form deep connections. This guy broke-up with his high school sweetheart whom he dated for 8 years a little over a year ago. I find it completely normal that he wants to enjoy life a little and hangout with girls outside of the business school environment. I don't feel like it's a true emotional unavailability like Zach's. I think he'll come around and we will probably spend more time together.

 

He came to see me Friday, Saturday and Tuesday and he left my house to rush to the airport to catch his flight to spend the holidays with the family. It doesn't seem like he's been able to put his "rules" too much into affect. His friend hangout with us too and was so adorable saying that J had been talking about me all night. Then the friend slept and he just wanted to cuddle and kiss and not go farther because he has been hanging out with other girls and he thinks I'm special because of the way I am - not a big drinker, not hooking up with tons of people. He doesn't feel like he deserves to have sex with me because I haven't slept with anyone else since T and he's been hanging out with tons of girls in the city. He said before he met me he just was in a catching up on lost time mode because he had a gf for 8 years. So he is in a manwhore phase, but it's what my friend said, if he was a true manwhore, he wouldn't care so much about protecting me. The thing is, I know I've been a goodie two shoes in regards to drinking and sex but I'm also an adult. I can take care of myself.

 

So yeah, I'm really into J. I'm into him in a way that put Z in the back burner.

 

But, I agree it's a complicated one because even though we both want the same thing right now - casually date - he thinks that I'm some fragile flower that will get heartbroken and he thinks the fact that we go to school together complicates things.

[Batya33]

I think part of the reason you're into J is because he's not interested in a potentially serious relationship with you -there's your challenge again. He can act all couply because he's already told you it's not going further.