The whole "confidence"/ "self-worth" thing

[Batya33]

"I guess, but I've kind of already felt that way about myself, so why would it be any different than last time?"

 

Because each time you're more vulnerable and because now that you know she picked someone else over you her reaction might be more intense and therefore you might experience even more hurt.

[MattW]

LOL! Wait til you are 60, 70... you wont say that. 25 in this modern age of longer life expectancy is YOUNG. You have plenty of time to improve yourself. PLUS you are a man. Men have the advantage of starting marriages and children later than women. If you were 65 years old and were lamenting about time, then I would empathize. You're a 'baby' in life as far as I'm concerned.

 

Perhaps, but my family history on both sides suggests that I'd be extremely lucky to even make it to 65. And considering I don't exactly live a lifestyle that's conducive to extending that out more (why prolong my misery, really?), my life is pretty much half over already. It went by in the blink of an eye, and like I said, now it feels like life is even going by faster than ever. I have nothing to show for the first half of my life, and before I know it, the second half will have come and gone.

[Batya33]

Perhaps, but my family history on both sides suggests that I'd be extremely lucky to even make it to 65. And considering I don't exactly live a lifestyle that's conducive to extending that out more (why prolong my misery, really?), my life is pretty much half over already. It went by in the blink of an eye, and like I said, now it feels like life is even going by faster than ever. I have nothing to show for the first half of my life, and before I know it, the second half will have come and gone.

 

How about feeling extremely lucky to be alive and in good health?

[blueidealist24]

Perhaps, but my family history on both sides suggests that I'd be extremely lucky to even make it to 65. And considering I don't exactly live a lifestyle that's conducive to extending that out more (why prolong my misery, really?), my life is pretty much half over already. It went by in the blink of an eye, and like I said, now it feels like life is even going by faster than ever. I have nothing to show for the first half of my life, and before I know it, the second half will have come and gone.

 

How is your lifestyle really so bad? I don't remember you ever mentioning drinking a lot, smoking, being fat..

[MattW]

How is your lifestyle really so bad? I don't remember you ever mentioning drinking a lot, smoking, being fat..

 

Well, no, I don't smoke, or do drugs, and I rarely ever drink. But my eating habits are pretty awful. I tend to just eat whatever I want, and I'd say most (if not all) of it is fairly unhealthy. I'm not fat as in "obese", but I'm somewhat chubby-looking, and I live a fairly sedentary life (though I occasionally get somewhat of a "workout" at work, having to do a lot of walking around, moving heavy boxes, carrying said heavy boxes up and down a ladder, etc.). If anything will be the early death of me, though, it's my eating habits. I know I eat poorly, but I'm in the mindset where I just want to eat what I have taste for, maybe because if I can't make myself happy any other way, I can at least appease myself with food I enjoy. I keep telling myself that once I can afford to move out and live in a place of my own, I'm going to try to start eating better, and maybe work out a little if I feel like it. Living at home just makes things difficult, because I don't have free reign of the kitchen and cooking supplies, and refrigerator/ cabinet space to be able to store and prepare better meals for myself, so I do what I can and mostly end up eating junk.

 

How about feeling extremely lucky to be alive and in good health?

 

Eh. Most people can say that, though. I see no reason to "praise" myself for doing and having basic things.

[NorthDallas40]

Living at home just makes things difficult, because I don't have free reign of the kitchen and cooking supplies, and refrigerator/ cabinet space to be able to store and prepare better meals for myself, so I do what I can and mostly end up eating junk.

 

You've gotta be kidding me.

 

The refrigerator is so full your family's junk food that you can't squeeze any healthy groceries inside?

 

Mom has a parental lock on the stove so you can't use it without a code?

 

The dishes have a dyepack that explodes whenever you try to prepare a meal?

 

Man, you really do have an excuse for everything. Nice work!

[MattW]

You've gotta be kidding me.

 

The refrigerator is so full your family's junk food that you can't squeeze any healthy groceries inside?

 

Mom has a parental lock on the stove so you can't use it without a code?

 

The dishes have a dyepack that explodes whenever you try to prepare a meal?

 

Man, you really do have an excuse for everything. Nice work!

 

Eh. If you read what I wrote, I think I made it clear that the primary reason for my eating habits is because I just don't care and that I just want to eat what I want to eat. All I was saying was that I've considered trying to better my eating habits, but I just don't care enough right now to try to make it happen in the current confines of my living arrangements, and I probably wouldn't be able to do it long term unless I had my own place, with more control over things.

[BrianH46]

Eh. Most people can say that, though. I see no reason to "praise" myself for doing and having basic things.

 

You aren't supposed to "praise" yourself, you are supposed to be thankful for those simple things. This world is **** , absolute ****, just within my family alone there are too many that wasn't even afforded a life past childhood. You should be thankful for your healthy life because honestly you have every chance to be happy should you choose to not be so damn lazy and god damn arrogant. You have the opportunity yet you squander it, you disregard any advice given and complain about 1st world problems to which you can solve. But you don't, you choose to think and live within a cycle.

 

"Praise" yourself? No. Be thankful you have a family, be thankful you are alive, be thankful you have all of your limbs, be thankful you live in a country that gives you opportunity rather than oppresses, be thankful you have something so simple as food and clean water. Be thankful because believe it or not you are in the top 10% of human beings when it comes to having access to the simple necessities of life.

 

Be thankful because you didn't earn that cushy life, you lucked into it. You are not entitled to happiness. However you lucked out into a life in which you can obtain it. The majority of the world did not and for that be thankful.

[penelope13]

I'd like to challenge you to pick ONE thing - regardless of how small or big - that you will start to work on/improve/learn for the next 7 days (starting, not mastering).

 

You have so many excuses and postpone everything to the future. You have to start somewhere. And you have to start now.

 

If you can't decide what to focus on: write each item on your to-do-list on a piece of paper and randomly draw one. This will be your first goal.

 

Please start making an effort to DO something, rather than continue to make more and more excuses

[MattW]

I'd like to challenge you to pick ONE thing - regardless of how small or big - that you will start to work on/improve/learn for the next 7 days (starting, not mastering).

 

You have so many excuses and postpone everything to the future. You have to start somewhere. And you have to start now.

 

If you can't decide what to focus on: write each item on your to-do-list on a piece of paper and randomly draw one. This will be your first goal.

 

Please start making an effort to DO something, rather than continue to make more and more excuses

 

I don't even know what I would "pick"/ write down, to be honest. @_@

 

I'm looking to hopefully talk to a professional on Monday. Does that count...?

[Angler]

I don't even know what I would "pick"/ write down, to be honest. @_@

 

Come on dude, don;t fail at the challenge!

 

I'm looking to hopefully talk to a professional on Monday. Does that count...?

 

It counts if you do it. Honestly, at this point, missing a class or two at college is reasonable if it's interfering with the schedule to get help.

[penelope13]

I don't even know what I would "pick"/ write down, to be honest. @_@

 

Just read through your threads on here and write down all of the things were you wrote "I wish I could do this/ know how to do this ..."

 

some things to consider:

- finding a therapist

- learning to prepare ONE healthy dish

- increase physical activity (I know you stated somewhere that you are 'fine' with your shape, but at the same time you say that you are living an unhealthy life style - you can change that!)

- sign up for mood gym

- play lumosity each day for one week

 

 

See, it's not that difficult (and this is just from me remembering some of your posts without checking them out)

[penelope13]

I so wish that you would respond just once (doesn't even have to be in response to my posts):

 

"thanks, great idea. I'll try that"

[MattW]

It counts if you do it. Honestly, at this point, missing a class or two at college is reasonable if it's interfering with the schedule to get help.

 

Well, right now, it's kind of on them. I have nothing going on Monday, so I asked if they had anything available that day. He didn't sound too sure about any openings, but said he'd get back to me. Would be incredibly disappointing if there's nothing available on the one day I have absolutely nothing going on.

 

I so wish that you would respond just once (doesn't even have to be in response to my posts):

 

"thanks, great idea. I'll try that"

 

See, it's not that I don't believe anyone here has great ideas. Quite the opposite, actually. I just don't have faith in myself that I'll actually do them. That's how it's always been, unfortunately.

 

Heck, I'm only giving this therapy thing a go because I really feel like all hope is lost, and I just need something to keep me holding on. I still don't feel confident I'll benefit from therapy, but I don't know what else to do with myself.

[Wayfara]

It's just hard not to think about, especially when it seems like she's looking to get back into the dating scene and is overlooking someone that cares so much about her and would treat her so well

 

She looked at you and wasn't interested, that is not overlooking in my opinion.

 

I'm just saying that sometimes people don't act rationally, sometimes they need a bit of a nudge in the right direction.

 

You have no basis to believe she is interested in you so making assumptions that she is acting irrationally and needing a nudge in the right direction when she doesn't want to date you would be to not respect her feelings.

 

I sometimes find myself wondering if perhaps she may have SOME interest, just not enough yet to say "Yes, definitely", and if there's anything I can say or do to get her there. That's really all I was trying to suggest. The world isn't so cut and dry, black and white, as some of you make it out to be.

 

Sometimes it's not black and white, sometimes it's grey, but when it's grey, as in her having mixed feelings, you get mixed signals. She hasn't given you any mixed signals, the only thing she has signaled is that she isn't interested.

 

obviously she knows I like(d) her and would want to date her, but for all I know, maybe she just thinks I just want to sleep with her?

 

You asked her on a date so why would she think you just want to sleep with her? And it doesn't stop her to date men she knows are up for no good so why would she let it stop her to date you? If she complains about guys only wanting to sleep with her she is most likely referring to the bad boys she is attracted to as whether guys she isn't interested in only want to sleep with her is irrelevant to her when there is no interest to date them.

 

I just wish I could convey to her some how that I see her as so much more than just a sexual partner. I know I'm not the "hottest" guy, nor am I the biggest, strongest guy, to her, but I'm the guy that thinks the world of her, the guy that would never intentionally do anything to hurt her, the guy that would always have her back when she needs it, the guy that is constantly trying to find ways to put a smile on her face because doing so brightens my day that much more, the guy that absolutely thinks she's worth fighting for. I just wish she could know all of that.

 

All that is for nothing if there is no attraction and without attraction knowing would only make her uncomfortable as she can't reciprocate.

 

I really think she and I could've been happy together, and that it would've been good for both of us to be with each other.

 

Telling yourself you would be happy together is telling yourself a lie as there is no reason to believe she wants to be with you and if she doesn't want to be with you you would automatically make her unhappy. You being good for each other is not a scenario that exists in current reality.

 

She might have her issues, but I still see the good in her, and part of me just doesn't want to stop fighting to bring out that good and win her over. Ironic how I'm so set on trying to "save" someone that reminds me so much of myself, yet I can't seem to find the ability to save myself.

 

I don't think a depressed guy can save an uninterested girl by dating her. And even if she grew attracted to you, how would you make her happy when you can't make yourself happy? First things first, make yourself happy and then you can try making a partner happy.

 

I hate the idea of letting go of her, because that means letting go of feeling like I belonged, and going back to feeling like I don't.

 

To be honest it sounds like you want her to save you. That is a lot of responsibility to take on for anyone. If you feel this attached to her without even dating her how would you feel if she dated you and then didn't want more? Or if you had a relationship and then broke up? There is a reason to why not being happy on your own is red flag. If someone is even just little unsure about you and get that vibe they would be very cautious about trying you out for a date or relationship, it simply too risky, you could get so dependent on them wanting you so if they decide you are no match they would have your misery on their conscience or if it goes too long maybe even your suicide, better to not give you hopes at all.

 

Anyway, in my view, the longer you keep fantasizing about this girl the longer it will take before you can get better and find someone who wants you too. Moving on is hard and will take time, I get that, but telling yourself she is the most amazing girl there is, even when it's not true, is only going to prolong the painful process and thinking you can make her happy, which you can't, will only frustrate you further.

[MattW]

Anyway, in my view, the longer you keep fantasizing about this girl the longer it will take before you can get better and find someone who wants you too. Moving on is hard and will take time, I get that, but telling yourself she is the most amazing girl there is, even when it's not true, is only going to prolong the painful process and thinking you can make her happy, which you can't, will only frustrate you further.

 

Yeah, I know. v_v I really do feel bad that I'm so stuck on her. I just don't even know how to believe there's someone else out there. How do you go from not finding anyone you want to date, then finding a girl that has all the qualities you want in a partner, then just accept going back to not finding anyone to date? Like I said earlier, too, one of the big draws to her is that, for the first time in my life, I really felt like I "belonged" somewhere, around someone, when I was around her. I don't want that feeling to go away, and because separating myself from her would mean just that, there's a part of me that's just desperate to hold on.

 

I dunno. Like I said, I'm not actually going to say or do anything, it's just so frustrating and nerve wracking. I'm finally starting to get less shifts with her and that ex of hers at work, but lately I've consistently been getting shifts with her, which is nice, but it also reminds me how much I want her and can't have her.

 

Well, hopefully the therapist I've been trying to set something up with will be able to see me on Monday. I gotta be honest, though, I'm not even sure how to start talking to that person. There's so many issues swirling around in my head, and many of them are fairly interconnected, I don't even know where to begin. @_@

[Angler]

I gotta be honest, though, I'm not even sure how to start talking to that person. There's so many issues swirling around in my head, and many of them are fairly interconnected, I don't even know where to begin. @_@

 

Look at those TV shows where an old damaged house is made new again. The contractors don't walk in and say "what a mess, too much wrong, can't fix it!"...they have a planned and purposeful method for arriving at the desired outcome.

 

Professional therapists are trained and will guide you through the "getting to know you" part where you get all your "junk" out in the open.

 

This will be good for you.

[Wayfara]

I really do feel bad that I'm so stuck on her. I just don't even know how to believe there's someone else out there.

 

Not knowing how to believe there are other fish out there partly derives from being stuck on her. What I mean, when you are stuck on someone, you think they are the one and only for you, your most perfect match, and of course no one can beat that. Thinking someone is the most compatible person for you doesn't mean they are though because for someone to be compatible they would have to want you too. Also part of being stuck on someone is looking at them through rose-tinted glasses making the bad traits not seem that bad as your infatuation put a positive spin to them and and all the blanks of her personality you are filling with your own perception of how the perfect girl would be like, hard to not see her as the perfect girl when she is molded by your own imagination. In reality you don't really know this girl very well and never been to her home, for all you know she could be a hoarder with really nasty habits, the only thing you can know for sure is that the bad traits you are currently aware of is only the tip of the iceberg of the bad traits she has. It might be easy to think that as you feel so strongly she is the perfect girl for you, it must be true. But you are not the only one who has ever been infatuated and thinking someone is perfect when you are infatuated is pretty standard.

 

The other part of not knowing how to believe there are other fish out there derives from your black and white thinking. You think if something hasn't happened yet, it could never happen. You haven't experienced mutual attraction and because it hasn't happened yet, it could never happen, in your eyes. That is faulty logic. Because a baby has yet to walk, he never will, because a girl yet has to learn Spanish, she never can, it doesn't make sense. There are men and women who don't have their first relationships until well into their thirties and for them not having met the right person in their twenties didn't stop them from meeting that right person later. If the future was just the repetition of the past we would still be in stone age and never learn to walk, talk or anything, but to change things you do have to do things differently.

 

hopefully the therapist I've been trying to set something up with will be able to see me on Monday. I gotta be honest, though, I'm not even sure how to start talking to that person. There's so many issues swirling around in my head, and many of them are fairly interconnected, I don't even know where to begin. @_@

 

Seeing a therapist on Monday sounds great, hope it works out. And I agree with Angler, don't worry too much about not knowing where to start, the therapist will ask you questions to get to know you and when everything is out in the open a plan will be made.

 

Update us after the meeting, curious to see how it goes.

[MattW]

I meant to add that there are little things here and there that have made me question what's really on this girl's mind. For example, I still ponder why she didn't flat out reject me to begin with, when I asked her out. That seems like kind of a big deal to me, because she's never been the type to sugarcoat things or not tell someone exactly how she feels. She even brought up the idea of me that she was wary of dating coworkers; so if there was absolutely no interest on her end, why give me a "Let me think about it", then come back two weeks later with a different reason for saying no? She could've shot me down right then and there, and honestly, if someone asked me out and I knew I definitely couldn't see them as a potential romantic interest, I wouldn't delay saying no to them. I dunno. It's just things like that that stand out to me. I'm sure there's probably "rational" explanations for this stuff, and I'm looking for things that aren't there, but it's just little stuff that makes me wonder, and every now and then, she still says or does little things that stand out to me in that way.

 

 

 

Well, I mean, with all due respect, there are still certain time periods you generally expect something to occur in, and if they don't, something is not quite right. A baby not knowing how to talk is not a big deal, but if a child were to grow to age 10 and still not know how to walk, would that not be odd? If a girl wanted to learn Spanish and studied it for 2-3 years but still couldn't speak even the most basic level of Spanish, would that not be a little strange?

 

Generally speaking, I don't believe in the idea of "the one"; I think most average people can encounter multiple people throughout their lives that they can date and have a future with. I, on the other hand, am an oddity. Not only that, but I believe my pool of potential dates is much, much smaller than that of the average person. Combine those two ideas, and that means the chances of me meeting a girl I'm attracted to is highly unlikely in and of itself, and the chances of her being attracted to me might as well be the same as me winning the million dollar jackpot from the lottery.

 

 

 

Yeah. I think after I finish up there, I'll start a new topic in the Personal Development forum, solely for tracking my "personal development" (well, my hopeful personal development, anyway).

[Wayfara]

I still ponder why she didn't flat out reject me to begin with, when I asked her out. That seems like kind of a big deal to me, because she's never been the type to sugarcoat things or not tell someone exactly how she feels. She even brought up the idea of me that she was wary of dating coworkers; so if there was absolutely no interest on her end, why give me a "Let me think about it", then come back two weeks later with a different reason for saying no?

 

No one likes rejecting people, they get sad and you feel bad, so while she might be someone who is usually up to tell people exactly what's on her mind she might feel differently when she has to reject someone. Telling you she is wary of dating coworkers sounds to me like something she said to not hurt your feelings, like "it's not you, it's me", "I'm not ready to date yet" and other excuses people make up to let someone down nicely. Maybe she sensed that you would take the rejection hard (which you did as you are still hurting over it) making her extra cautious. Telling you to let her think about it was probably her taking the coward's way out when she wasn't strong enough to go through with it (doing the rejecting can be uncomfortable), giving her more time to figure out how to let you down without being seen as the bad guy, maybe she even hoped you would forget coming back for the answer or that you would catch the drift by her silence. Giving you a different reason for saying no later on just tells you that the answer would no regardless of the used reason.

 

If she really had a hard rule about not dating coworkers she wouldn't have gone back to her ex. And if she really is someone who always tells people exactly how she feels she would have told you if she had feelings or if she liked you but not quite to say yes.

 

If a girl wanted to learn Spanish and studied it for 2-3 years but still couldn't speak even the most basic level of Spanish, would that not be a little strange?

 

It would be strange yes, and then you check it up to see what's wrong. I don't think it's the time though that determines if something is impossible but the cause to why it hasn't happened. Not learning Spanish in 2-3 years could be a sign of a brain damage that makes it impossible to learn new languages, but can that conclusion be drawn only from the time that has went by? Maybe the girl liked the idea of Spanish but showed up for class with thoughts elsewhere and started partying as soon as she got home. It wouldn't be accurate to say she can never learn new languages when the reason she hasn't is due to her own laziness and lack of discipline. What I mean, brain damage is pretty permanent but laziness you can work on. In your case you have still many things to work on and maybe working on those things will make it easier for you to connect with people.

 

I think after I finish up there, I'll start a new topic in the Personal Development forum, solely for tracking my "personal development"

 

Sounds like a plan, I'll look forward to it.

[bulletproof]

I, on the other hand, am an oddity. Not only that, but I believe my pool of potential dates is much, much smaller than that of the average person.

 

You are suffering from terminal uniqueness. Basically you are telling yourself a story, a false story, that you are so "different" that the regular life rules don't apply in your situation.

 

I'm sure it's a lot easier to tell yourself that you're inherently odd, because then you don't have to fix anything. Unfortunately, there are lots of people like you.

[blueidealist24]

I know things have been strained between you a bit since your coworkers talked about the situation to the manager, but at least back then she probably cared about you as a friend and didn't want to hurt your feelings. It probably would have been easier for her to tell someone she barely knew that she didn't want to date them, flat-out. She probably still cares about you as a friend now, but maybe your friendship isn't as strong because of the incident with whoever went to the manager..

[MattW]

I know things have been strained between you a bit since your coworkers talked about the situation to the manager, but at least back then she probably cared about you as a friend and didn't want to hurt your feelings. It probably would have been easier for her to tell someone she barely knew that she didn't want to date them, flat-out. She probably still cares about you as a friend now, but maybe your friendship isn't as strong because of the incident with whoever went to the manager..

 

I guess... I mean, I don't know that we were THAT close when I asked her out that she would've felt guilty, and she did eventually tell me no, anyway, so I just didn't really get the delay. It's not like I even approached her for an answer when I saw her again; granted, I tried to make myself very present that day, to give her the opportunity, but had she not said anything, I would've just kept my mouth shut.

 

As bad as it would probably be for me, I still wish she and I could be "friends". I wish she was up for hanging out with me, and talking to/ texting me, outside of work. That's another reason the whole thing with her and her ex is a bit sad, to me. Maybe they're not actually "together", but it makes me sad that being good friends with a guy who cheated on her is absolutely fine, but being friends with a guy that simply wanted to date her would just be "too weird".

 

You are suffering from terminal uniqueness. Basically you are telling yourself a story, a false story, that you are so "different" that the regular life rules don't apply in your situation.

 

I'm sure it's a lot easier to tell yourself that you're inherently odd, because then you don't have to fix anything. Unfortunately, there are lots of people like you.

 

Eh. Words like "unique" and "rules don't apply" sort of make it sound like I think I'm better than everyone else, and that's not how it is. I don't necessarily look at it as different in a good or bad way, just... "different".

 

Honestly, I don't know why I feel this way, why I've always felt this way. I just feel so out of place everywhere, around everyone. Moments like being around this girl, actually feeling like I "fit in" with someone, they're so rare that I'm just desperate to hold onto them.

[pointfive]

I think a lot of it also has to do with your perspective on things. It seems like in the definition you posted above bases confidence and self worth based on the validation of other people. Being unattractive, being undesirable, those things seem to be based off people's reaction towards you.

 

However, confidence is something you have to work on and feel for yourself. It's not going to happen over night, but learning how to be secure with yourself, making a lot of progress, and accomplishing things you want to do will help you gain self worth and confidence. It'll be hard of course, if you feel like your life has been in a rut for a very long time but you will have to make some changes. Like yes, confidence and self worth can be formed from external validation and we all need people to tell us how they see us sometimes too, just so we can have a clearer picture but don't base everything on someone else's point of view or how strangers see you.

 

Work on yourself. Do you want to look more attractive? Maybe try working out, eating healthier, etc. Perhaps work on developing stronger social skills and learn how to work a room. Attend a lot of events, learn something new, talk to new people every day. It won't be easy at first but at least you're doing something to change and improve yourself. I am not saying who you are right now is bad, but building up on who you are and continually progressing is something people would find attractive. It stops you from being in that rut.

[bulletproof]

Eh. Words like "unique" and "rules don't apply" sort of make it sound like I think I'm better than everyone else, and that's not how it is. I don't necessarily look at it as different in a good or bad way, just... "different".

 

The words don't make it sound like anything. You are choosing to interpret it that way. I did not say you think you are better then anyone else. I said that you consider yourself different than everyone else (which is what unique means) and you are agreeing with that. I don't get this whole "eh" thing you throw in every once in a while when you're getting ready to disagree with someone, either.

 

Moments like being around this girl, actually feeling like I "fit in" with someone, they're so rare that I'm just desperate to hold onto them.

They are rare because you have created a situation in which there are no opportunities. And the last thing you should even be thinking about is entering into a romantic relationship with this girl or anyone else, if you truly feel that it will be the only thing that allows you to feel that you fit in. Total recipe for dysfunction and disaster.