BF is stressed, busy, distant. How do I deal?!

[confused8787]

Well what I meant was he is very awk socially, the norms of introducing and saying hey, this is my gf A, this is my cousin B etc are not natural for him. The one time I was at the meet and the races, I met his cousin for the first time but he didn't introduce me or anything lol, I was just standing around and the cousins and I talked for a few mins in the car ride but it was kind of a given that we already knew eachother since my bf prob talks about me to him and about his cousin to me. I don't know if that makes sense, it's hard to explain. But he basically isn't the formal type. And I'm ok with that since it was a casual hangout. I have taught him that it's impt in more formal settings tho like when I go to his school events or his comes to mine. Then it's just proper to make introductions. But I m getting off point ...

It's not that I don't want to go to the meets. He doesn't want me to go. He wants that time to himself because honestly it's just a bunch of guys talking $hit to eachother and watching the cars. The two other girls who come usually end up sleeping or relaxing in their bfs cars lol. It's boring for them too. I think they bring their gfs because like me, they want to be included. But personally I'm not willing to take the risk of going to the races again. I can say I did it once lol. And for guys whose passion is cars like it is for my bf, the races are more in line with what he finds fun. I was observing him at the meet and he was so lit up! He enjoys it thoroughly. He knows the risk he is taking because he has been through a lot in his life before turning it around. I know he doesnt want me there because he feels he would have to look out for me and protect me the whole time. Which he did actually lol. But for himself, that's his personal risk. It's not a major one, it's just a ticket but he's a smart guy, he can handle himself. I won't make the mistake of babying him!!!

[abitbroken]

Yes, that is his personal risk but do you want to be with someone who takes that type of risk? I think if you spent more time meeting new people and developing your own interests and friends that you would not be so fixed on him and can understand what you tolerate and what you don't. You might still be with him next year, or you might decide that you were glossing over the dealbreakers and realize that you don't have to take that as part of a relationship;

[ReneeLeo]

IMO you allowed him to finish off his home chores, which were a priority for him as well. Since you gave him the permission, you shouldn't nag about him spending some quality time with his cousins (why do you have to care if they work or not!). Let your guy have some fun time, because labor can be quite stressing. Anyways vacations are about spending time with loved ones (read-family), and yes he got a bit negligent in not communicating that well with you. Don't feel that you are his convenience, relationship is more than just being accessible, but at the same time you have all the answers to your questions. Therefore instead of whining and stressing over the fact that he spent time with cousins, and now he will spend time with you because school has started; makes no sense !

[confused8787]

It doesn't look like the deadline he talked about for this week with his house construction is going to happen. While I was away he spent his time working with his cousin on an actual job where he gets paid. He didn't work on his room much. He did pick me up from the airport though and spent all of yesterday and last night with me. We had a really great time. Honestly given his money situation it seems like he is going to work more with his cousins when he can and get paid. It is going to slow down his room recovery though. And I don't know how long I have to keep waiting. He's taking one or two classes so he doesn't have much of a load and doesn't need to be near my area much. For example, after class today he went home to work and at night around 9 I called him to thank him for washing my dishes. He was at his cousins house and he said he went over there to eat and relax. He was gonna play video games or something. So we hung up and he told me how much he missed me And that he loved me.

After we hung up I honestly got really jealous. If he wanted to relax why didn't he come over? Why didn't he ask to come over? So I called him back even tho I knew he was in the middle of dinner. I stupidly asked him to come over after he ate dinner with his cousins and he said no, not tonight because he was going to work tomorrow. Either on his house or on a paid job. I dunno. Either way he has to sleep at his house so he is closer to the work. I don't know why I got so freaked out. I shouldn't have asked him to come over. I shouldn't have even called again when I knew he was eating. He said he hadn't eaten all day. He was irritated the second time I called.

Why am I like this???????

[abitbroken]

Why not instead of asking him to come over and be with you - actually plan dates a few days ahead of time to do something. Not just to "be" but to go to a movie, check out a band, try a new ice cream place - or even meet halfway between you guys. that way you have something to look forward to.

 

If he wanted to relax why didn't he come over? Why didn't he ask to come over?

 

because he wants to relax. He wants to sleep in bed or veg on the sofa without having the stress of thinking "okay, I am sitting next to him letting him be and I hope I get brownie points for this but I really am going to have a talk to him about how he is always tired and complaining about his cousins and I really need him to spend quality time with me". Or he just is going to bed. When he sees you, he wants to be fresh and have his mind rested so he can focus on you, because that is what you seem to require. he doesn't want to come over at 9 or 10 at night and drive 45 minutes to "relax" and then need to leave in an hour.

 

Why not in a week or two ask that if on the nights before he has class in the morning would he stay at our place with you and make that your nights. let him get used to his schedule first. its new.

[confused8787]

He does stay over when he has class the next day. For example, he came over yesterday and he says he is coming tomorrow. And he actually called me back to apologize for being rude and cursing when I called him the second time. He's a bit brash. And he was genuinely apologetic. He said he was really tired and sore and that he didn't have enough gas to come over. Money issues. Anyways, that's fine. I guess you know what sucks? The discrepancy in that he doesn't understand what it is like for me to be alone at home, have no one to talk to, no presence around me. He doesn't get it, but at the same time when he is done with work he doesn't want to be at home alone either! He runs off to his cousins house to relax! I am not saying he is the solution to my loneliness but given his tendency to be around them all the tome after work just so that he is not home alone is exactly the feeling I get! So how could he not understand what I'm going through?? The only thing I can think of is that he doesn't have his own room or bed or anything at home. Maybe being home and not having a place is depressing and he runs off to his cousins.I don't know. All I know is that he is sleeping in his grandparents bedroom or the couch/air bed while he works on his room. I just wish he knew how hard of a time I'm having. Not to solve it but to just be able to ask me about it and comfort me.

[Heather Dawn]

OK, seriously...you need to get over the whole, "alone at home, have no one to talk to, no presence around me," thing. People all over the world live by themselves and have figured out how to enjoy it - or, at the very least, be comfortable with it. It seems like you're so desperate for company of ANY kind that you're attempting to force him to fill that hole - a hole that is starting to sound like it's much larger than just man-sized. At this point, I suspect he's running from the responsibility of being the sole focus of your life. I understand why he'd rather be with his cousins than with you - he can simply be a "guy" with them, whereas, with you, he has to be an entire world.

 

I think you have a great guy here and you're suffocating him, but because he does care about you, he hasn't come right out and SAID it - instead, his actions are SCREAMING it. This relationship is doomed if you don't - and pardon my bluntness here - get a life.

[mhowe]

It is a very tiring job being someone's entire support structure. You need to focus on supporting yourself --- emotionally.

[lavenderdove]

>>After we hung up I honestly got really jealous. If he wanted to relax why didn't he come over? Why didn't he ask to come over?

 

Because he doesn't find you relaxing. Honey, you're not getting this, but you are very high maintenance. You are demanding his presence all the time when he is a young man who is in school, working, has other hobbies and interests besides you, as a young man should. You also live an hour away so a visit to you takes two hours out of his already busy day and his limited financial resources to pay for the gas.

 

You want to be the center and focus of his world and to have his life revolve around you, with the same level of care and attention a mother might provide an infant, and you get angry when it doesn't. It just doesn't work that way when you're an adult!

 

You need to work really hard here on getting your own life and having goals, hobbies, friends that don't revolve around him so that you can both live normal lives. If you continue these kinds of demands, he will eventually get sick of it and break up with you, especially if he meets a girl who is into his same hobbies and more easy going than you are. Many couples make it work if they don't share hobbies (and you obviously don't like his car hobby), but if you don't make seeing you fun and relaxing rather than feeling like it is just another chore he has to do and deal with your negative emotions and demands all the time, he will eventually come to the conclusion that not only is it more relaxing to be somewhere else rather than with you, he will decide it is BETTER to be broken up than with you.

 

So really, call a counselor and start working on your abandonment issues and jealousy and possessiveness. You need to learn to be whole and happy without the constant presence of a BF at your side every waking moment, or you will always be miserable and making excessive demands that will lead to breakups. So you're shooting yourself in the foot here with your behavior and unrealistic expectations of him.

[confused8787]

Its not that I do not like his car hobby ... we bond over automobiles actually, he just finds that the car meets and races are his thing alone. He doesnt want me to be a part of it. And frankly I am over it ... he and I go to other car shows together.

 

Do you think maybe taking a break from him would help? That is, I just ask for my space, we dont actually break up as a couple ... I am afraid to suggest it because I KNOW he does not want that, he would get really hurt if I bring it up, because to him a break means we might not get back together. Honestly right now I am unable to be proactive in the relationship and be the happy go lucky, laid back girl he wants to relax with. I have too much going on personally. I am in the mood to break my phone, deactivate FB and just go off the grid, find myself. But at the cost of losing possibly the love of my life, who has done nothing wrong ...

 

And him going to his cousins house to relax is fine, but it shows me that he too does not want to be alone at his house after work, he goes there for company. So to not understand how I feel when I am alone at home ... thats kind of messed up. He is craving the same thing!

[mhowe]

What you seem not to get is that he isn't craving being with you because you are such an energy drain.

 

And while a "break" would be a great idea until you can get to a place where you don't NEED him, I fear you are only suggesting this to get his attention. And those kind of games don't work.

 

Because seriously, if you're biggest issue is you spend time alone, how is more alone time going to fix you?

[confused8787]

What you seem not to get is that he isn't craving being with you because you are such an energy drain.

 

And while a "break" would be a great idea until you can get to a place where you don't NEED him, I fear you are only suggesting this to get his attention. And those kind of games don't work.

 

Because seriously, if you're biggest issue is you spend time alone, how is more alone time going to fix you?

 

That's not always true though. We have a good time together. We had a great evening on Monday. I don't know why I am suggesting it. Ok so being alone isn't going to fix my issues of being alone. What do I do instead? Move away, be around people that matter? Because I'm sitting at work here and my mind can't focus. I'm in my cubicle but I want to run away, the feelings are really overwhelming right now.

His job is not to fix me emotionally but it is to support me. We aren't engaged but he wants a life with me, and that means being with me through thick and thin. He knew yesterday was a tough day for me for personal reasons. I wanted him to want to be there by my side. Instead I had to get thru it myself.

[Heather Dawn]

And him going to his cousins house to relax is fine, but it shows me that he too does not want to be alone at his house after work, he goes there for company. So to not understand how I feel when I am alone at home ... thats kind of messed up. He is craving the same thing!

 

No he's not. He's looking to relax and recharge; you're looking for someone to keep you from being lonely. Two very different things.

 

What you seem not to get is that he isn't craving being with you because you are such an energy drain.

 

Right. Being with his cousins is fun for him, relaxing, not stressful or filled with the burden of being someone's everything. The total opposite of what he experiences with you.

[mhowe]

You need therapy. Seriously. I am not trying to be mean.

 

You had a hard day. You told him. He doesn't need to "be by your side". You are an adult --- adults get through it by themselves.

You want a life with this man? Kids? You can't handle yourself, let alone anyone else.

 

Life is not that overwhelming. Yes, you chose to move away from your family. Most people do.

 

Support is a shoulder to lean on. Not pick you up and carry you through the night.

 

Maybe you need to move back to your hometown where you can be with family until he finishes school. Because the arrangement right now is too hard for you.

And it shouldn't be.

[Heather Dawn]

You talk an awful lot about being alone, doing things yourself, etc., and you treat it as this terrible, empty, upsetting thing. I think that, not your boyfriend, is the crux of your problem. You're an adult, and adults don't have their hands held every step of the way, and sometimes when we need people the most, they simply can't or won't be there for us. You need to figure out how to be emotionally self-sufficient, because you're coming accross as extremely needy and I can only imagine how your boyfriend feels, as he's the recipient of it all. And, truthfully, there's a lot to be said for having down time, spending time alone, learning how to cope without leaning on other people. Not to mention, it will make you more interesting and attractive to people if you aren't this bottomless black hole of need. I moved 1200 miles from home at the age of 21 and I survived a broken leg, an apartment fire, pneumonia and a kidney stone - ALL BY MYSELF.

[confused8787]

I'm coming to realize I may just have psychological issues with abandonment or separation. I know he is not the problem, I am. I want to be strong enough to be alone, things happen in life all the time and you have to be prepared to handle it, which I'm clearly not. But I am in a relationship while going through this transition. Which means things that affect him will affect me too and vice versa. His room has really fked with us, with his mood and mine. Some of my closest friends, who have known me all my life don't understand how I am dealing with this. And with him not being able to be there for me. It's not like they don't realize i have issues myself. But it is a two way street. You cannot expect me to change and him to stay the same. It's not all on my shoulders.

[mhowe]

Yes, dear --- it is.

 

His room is a room --- he is not homeless. He is living on a couch w/ his grandparents. That it changed the dynamic of you being able to see him 5-7x a week -- well, that is life after college. This is not stress ==== this is an inconvenience.

 

He is going to school, working a paying job, and renovating his living space.

You are working a job and losing it over the fact that you have to go home to an empty apartment at night.

 

You need to see someone about your issues before they get worse.

 

If you need to get out of the relationship as you go through this, so be it. He does not owe it to you ---

 

But that is for your counselor/therapist to decide.

[mhowe]

Exactly!!!

 

I have lived through 2 fires, 3 hurricanes and a 5 day power outage ---- without calling my bf or mommy and daddy. It's called....adulthood.

 

(not all in the same year !!!!)

[confused8787]

Someone does not need to be with you physically to actually be there for you! A simple text or phone call to ask how I'm doing is nice. There is generally no communication during the day! And at the end of it I have to text or call him, or he texts me after I have fallen asleep. Knowing that I work normal hours is a courtesy he should keep in mind. Calling to ask if I'm feeling better over whatever I was going through yesterday is nice. It shows me you care. And my friends do it, how hard is it to take a few mins out? Video games are more of a priority? Seems immature to me.

[mhowe]

There is no communication during the day ---- because he is WORKING.

 

For 12 pages, you have said "yes, but...."

 

You clearly are not happy. The relationship is not working for you. You don't like living alone, and it appears that is not going to change for the foreseeable future.

 

Regardless of whether you stay with this guy, I think you should look to seeing a counselor.

You are too young to be this unhappy with your life.

[confused8787]

I meant he can call me after work ... I don't disturb him with texts or phone calls during the day ... but to wait till after you hang out with your cousins ... to call me after 11pm, or text me at 1am? That's inconsiderate. He wants me to work on his schedule, understand his work, give him the space to finish his room or do whatever he thinks is impt, but what about my schedule? My needs? It's a two way street because I have to recognize his needs and he needs to recognize mine!

[Heather Dawn]

Exactly!!!

 

I have lived through 2 fires, 3 hurricanes and a 5 day power outage ---- without calling my bf or mommy and daddy. It's called....adulthood.

 

(not all in the same year !!!!)

 

Oh, my - I forgot hurricanes! Me, too. In Florida (where I'd moved for a couple of years). Oh, I also ended up on the side of the road with a broken-down car, a dead cell phone, an expired Triple A membership and about $20 cash, and all my relatives in NY and MA - and I was three hours from (my then) home (in FL). That was (not) fun. But it turned into a cool story and a learning experience.

 

S[tuff] happens, OP. You can't fall apart - you just can't. And if you do, it means you have some issues to work through.

[penelope13]

If your argument/justification is "unless he is doing everything 100% right - according to my wishes - I don't have to be the first to make changes", you will not be happy in this relationship or any other.

 

Do you want to change or not? independent if he changes (not considering here if he should or not) or not?

 

you can't control him - but you have a choice about your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions.

 

Just listening to you on this thread makes you seem whiny, needy, and simply energy draining.

[confused8787]

It's past that. I've already fallen apart. Trying to find all the pieces and become whole again. I hear what you and everyone else has said. I appreciate every post, every thought. But it doesn't change the fact that I am in a relationship. I am trying to hold it together and myself together at the same time. I feel I have the energy left to fix one but not the other unless they go hand in hand. Which is why I wanted him to make more of an effort towards us, so I can honestly sit back a bit and focus on myself.

Tonight is Wed. It's the night my bf usually goes to the car meet. I forgot it was Wed, because labor day made it feel like Tues and I asked to hang out with him, I said I needed to get out and that I was feeling a bit homesick ... he said, ok sure but I could tell he was disappointed. Then I asked, what's wrong? He said, nothing. It then struck me that today is Wed, he wanted to go to the car meet. So then I said I was sorry, I forgot it was Wed and he shd go to the car meet. He said, no it's okay, we will talk about it later. But that is just going to breed resentment. I don't know what to do. Force him to go and pretend like I'm not disappointed?

[mhowe]

I give up.